miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 As of late, I have been thinking about my past failed marriage more than usual. Maybe it is because the boyfriend and I discuss marriage, not that it is something we are doing anytime soon, but we both see our relationship going there. Now, my man is amazing, but I have been doing a lot of comparisons of this relationship versus that one. Even though my marriage didn't last, I was head over heels for that man, and when our relationship started falling apart I was heartbroken. He was an ******* in the end, and didn't want me anymore, and even though everyone sees him as that, there was a reason why I married him in the first place. The way that relationship started I think is what makes me compare, we were young, no true responsibilities, and everything was so... DRAMATIC. Being in this relationship, the first one where I see myself with this man forever, has been such a different start. Don't get me wrong, it has been intense and amazing, falling in love again, but I find myself missing the drama. The love so intense that it makes your heart soar when ANY love song comes on. Where you really had no idea what you were doing and followed your heart instead of your head. We shouldn't have gotten married, but we were young and in love and we just did it! It was a whirlwind romance, and the excitement of learning how to be grownups together made it this huge adventure. Now, we are both already grown ups, we have this stuff down, and things aren't so whirlwind, but more thought out. I love him for that, and I think it is a huge reason why our relationship works so well. Am I alone in this? I feel mean for having these thoughts as if I don't appreciate my man now, I do. So much, and I love him dearly... I just wish he could get crazy with me. He is a very methodical person. I am thinking of talking about this stuff with him, but I don't want to hurt his feelings and feel like I want someone he isn't. It's just reminiscing. I guess I have just been wanting to discuss it to see if he would be open to being a bit more spontaneous and not so methodical. Is this something I should talk to him about? He is leaving soon, so I guess that will be one adventure when I visit him in France, but IDK. Just thinking out loud I guess.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I know you mentioned this before but I forget, how old were you both when you got married? Do you know what became of him? I was 17 and he was 18 when we met. I was 18 when we got married and him 19. Oh yeah I know what became of him. After I moved out he met another woman, she moved in, and he still is working on his engineering degree just like he planned. To be honest, everything in his life seems to be the same! Same room mates, same house, course, it has only been about 2 years since we separated, so I wouldn't expect much to change. He just got a replacement woman. Unfortunately he is still abusive, which makes me sad, but I hope one day he gets help. We don't keep contact, just everyone once in a while something will come up in the mail for me, or I will need some document from him. It's civil. No real talking though. It was a clean cut divorce.
Woggle Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Remember when I said a few weeks ago that the luster of this relationship would wear off? Here we go. 2
hoping2heal Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Outside of your relationship with this guy, what kind of "crazy" things have you got going?
Divasu Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I guess I have just been wanting to discuss it to see if he would be open to being a bit more spontaneous and not so methodical. What specifically do you want, in terms of spontaneity? I mean, he is leaving soon to go live in another country, so, how can he demonstrate being spontaneous with you while he's there, and you're here?
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Remember when I said a few weeks ago that the luster of this relationship would wear off? Here we go. What?!? The luster isn't wearing off at all. Things are amazing between us. Get outta here with your nonsense.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 What specifically do you want, in terms of spontaneity? I mean, he is leaving soon to go live in another country, so, how can he demonstrate being spontaneous with you while he's there, and you're here? I really want to have a mini stay-cation or something before he leaves. A romantic night in a cabin or something just different than our everyday life. Him leaving definitely puts a little kink in things. I'm just going to tell him I want an adventure effort he leaves. Go to a new city and explore or something. He is such a planner, so we shall see how it goes. 1
Eggplant Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Passion is not only for teenagers. I am still recovering from my first whirlwind romance. I was 24 when I met him. (I wish I hadn't been so afraid and started dating MUCH younger). I was so high, so madly in love, I would have walked in front of a train. I was prepared to move to the third world to be with him. I also need to find that kind of passion again. I wouldn't trade it for stability. The fireworks don't have to last, but it needs to exist in the beginning. Then I can rekindle it and have the motivation to rekindle it for the rest of my life. How can I honestly be with anybody else without that passion? It wouldn't be fair to be in a relationship with somebody whom I deemed second best.
KungFuJoe Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I do think that there needs to be some element of "crazy" or drama in a relationship to keep the "spice" going. But, it's a double edged sword. When my wife and I were first dating, we were CRAZY about each other...and I mean crazy. We fought like you wouldn't believe (most of it alcohol induced)..and we fought EVERYWHERE. I got tossed in jail a couple times, tossed out of clubs, had to pay off some cops in Mexico...all from the crazy ass **** we would get into. We fought like crazy, we partied like crazy, we ****ed like crazy. It was just...INTENSE. Now we're older and though the REALLY crazy times are behind us (which is definitely a good thing) we still have a "crazy" moment every now and then. Most of it from getting drunk and getting a bit jealous when one of us gets too flirty with someone else, but it never escalates out of control (well, almost never) and it always makes for a great night after we get back home. So yeah, I get what you're saying. It's about keeping things exciting and interesting. But it's a tough juggling act sometimes...keeping the spice going without getting into too much trouble and actually hurting each other.
Eggplant Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I really want to have a mini stay-cation or something before he leaves. A romantic night in a cabin or something just different than our everyday life. Him leaving definitely puts a little kink in things. One thing that contributed to keeping the passion was dancing. My boyfriend and I would go out salsa dancing every weekend. Dancing is so exhilarating and romantic, for me at least. It kept passion a part of the everyday.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I kind of know what you mean. That's why I like to date younger men. As people get older, they learn how to control their emotions and passions better. They become more practical and logical. I like guys that are prepared to do something crazy, s*ew the consequences. I also sometimes miss what I was like back then :/ 1
iris219 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) My bf and I are crazy about each without being crazy. What exactly do you mean when you say you want your bf to get crazy? We trust each other, we aren't jealous (for the most part), we aren't reactionary, we don't accuse the other of doing anything wrong, and we know that our happiness doesn't depend on the other person. I think it takes a while to learn relationship skills, especially that last one for some people. We calmly discuss issues rather than screaming. There's no power struggle. I know he always has what's best for me in mind. We always seem to be on the same page which might be boring for some people, but I love it. I have more love and passion for him than I did for others in past because it isn't marred by a bunch of emotional BS. There isn't this underlying negative tension that was always there in the past. I feel confident that we would be able to calmly and effectively handle anything that comes our way, and that makes our relationship the strongest I've ever been in. It's also why he's they only person I have ever imagined spending my life with and at 34 I think that says a lot. Edited July 8, 2013 by iris219 2
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Passion is not only for teenagers. I am still recovering from my first whirlwind romance. I was 24 when I met him. (I wish I hadn't been so afraid and started dating MUCH younger). I was so high, so madly in love, I would have walked in front of a train. I was prepared to move to the third world to be with him. I also need to find that kind of passion again. I wouldn't trade it for stability. The fireworks don't have to last, but it needs to exist in the beginning. Then I can rekindle it and have the motivation to rekindle it for the rest of my life. How can I honestly be with anybody else without that passion? It wouldn't be fair to be in a relationship with somebody whom I deemed second best. The passion is definitely there for us, it isn't so much about the passion, but more so the acting instead of thinking so much. I just want a little adventure, one that doesn't involve us planning it to death! Lol In my first marriage, we didn't think anything through really. It was more so just to with it and see how things pan out. Not the best approach, it definitely backfired sometimes, but it had me on my toes. Lol I do think that there needs to be some element of "crazy" or drama in a relationship to keep the "spice" going. But, it's a double edged sword. When my wife and I were first dating, we were CRAZY about each other...and I mean crazy. We fought like you wouldn't believe (most of it alcohol induced)..and we fought EVERYWHERE. I got tossed in jail a couple times, tossed out of clubs, had to pay off some cops in Mexico...all from the crazy ass **** we would get into. We fought like crazy, we partied like crazy, we ****ed like crazy. It was just...INTENSE. Now we're older and though the REALLY crazy times are behind us (which is definitely a good thing) we still have a "crazy" moment every now and then. Most of it from getting drunk and getting a bit jealous when one of us gets too flirty with someone else, but it never escalates out of control (well, almost never) and it always makes for a great night after we get back home. So yeah, I get what you're saying. It's about keeping things exciting and interesting. But it's a tough juggling act sometimes...keeping the spice going without getting into too much trouble and actually hurting each other. That brings up a big reason as to why our relationship lacks some of that, he's a recovering alcoholic. Due to that, he needs to have order and plan ahead otherwise his anxiety goes through the roof. Sometimes I wish that was part of our life, but then again, he really is such an a amazing man, I would rather be with him and live a sober life, than be with anyone else. I kind of know what you mean. That's why I like to date younger men. As people get older, they learn how to control their emotions and passions better. They become more practical and logical. I like guys that are prepared to do something crazy, s*ew the consequences. I also sometimes miss what I was like back then :/ His age definitely has something to so with it, and then imagine him also being a recovering alcoholic on top of it! "Screw the consequences" doesn't exist for him. There is always SOMETHING to worry about. Lol My bf and I are crazy about each without being crazy. What exactly do you mean when you say you want your bf to get crazy? We trust each other, we aren't jealous (for the most part), we aren't reactionary, we don't accuse the other of doing anything wrong, and we know that our happiness doesn't depend on the other person. I think it takes a while to learn relationship skills, especially that last one for some people. We calmly discuss issues rather than screaming. There's no power struggle. I know he always has what's best for me in mind. We always seem to be on the same page which might be boring for some people, but I love it. I have more love and passion for him than I did for others in past because it isn't marred by a bunch of emotional BS. There isn't this underlying negative tension that was always there in the past. I feel confident that we would be able to calmly and effectively handle anything that comes our way, and that makes our relationship the strongest I've ever been in. It's also why he's they only person I have ever imagined spending my life with and at 34 I think that says a lot. We have all of that. By crazy I meant do something on a whim and just DO IT. Don't think, just get in the car and do it. I just wanted to update that I was feeling so bothered that I brought it up to him. For starters, by god I love that man. I told him everything I said here and he asked what a lot of you did, what exactly do I want? I told him all the things I just said and he was being so damn cute. Joking about whisking me off in te night to some island. haha just sitting and talking about it made me feel so muh better, and he had fun thinking of the most ridiculous things to do. I am sure we will be doing something like that before he leaves, he's all for it. We just talked and he made it clear that he wishes he was more like that, but with his anxiety (he is also pretty damn neurotic! Lol) it makes it difficult for him to do anything spontaneous. So happy I just talked to him, it was a fun night for us! Nothing too exciting tonight! Just UNO, which was just fine with me. (UNO is our thing, plus I kick his butt every time!) Reminiscing over! We display our passion differently from how my ex and I used to. It isn't that it isn't there, it's just different, the difference being that our passion comes out in our late night talks and nookie time. I will still always remember how carefree and naive I was at 17, blissfully unaware how the adult world works! Haha Thank you to anyone who provided some productive input!
AverageCat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 OP, I don't think it's about young, or old. It's about the type of person. You went from the lover type: Usually badboy, crazy, adventurous, doesn't ever get boring, based on love, attraction and feelings, more highs but also more downs. To the provider type: Usually more serious, more of a planned man, more supportive, less drama, but also more boring, less rollercoasters. I think you should make your bf aware of this!. Because I think there is a 3rd type: The balanced out type: Is smart, thought out, however also spontaneous and gives you that emotional rollercoaster once in a while, but is also supportive. You can also count on him, even though he seems crazy at times. Compatibility has a lot to do with what are you more compatible with
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 OP, I don't think it's about young, or old. It's about the type of person. You went from the lover type: Usually badboy, crazy, adventurous, doesn't ever get boring, based on love, attraction and feelings, more highs but also more downs. To the provider type: Usually more serious, more of a planned man, more supportive, less drama, but also more boring, less rollercoasters. I think you should make your bf aware of this!. Because I think there is a 3rd type: The balanced out type: Is smart, thought out, however also spontaneous and gives you that emotional rollercoaster once in a while, but is also supportive. You can also count on him, even though he seems crazy at times. Compatibility has a lot to do with what are you more compatible with Totally disagree. Things aren't boring, just predictable. He is far more romantic than any man I have been with and ultimately we have the most amazing chemistry. Our compatibility is dead on too, he's my best friend. I just need an adventure every now and then. 1
whirl3daway Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 It doesn't sound like this is an issue with your relationship, really. It sounds like you are maybe a bit jealous or envious that your boyfriend is going on a trip and having an adventure, and you want the same thing. Also, you're 20/21? Man, that is so incredibly young. I hated it when people said that to me at 21, but it's the truth. You'll probably be a totally different person in 4 years. I hope you take your time w/ the 2nd marriage. 1
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 It doesn't sound like this is an issue with your relationship, really. It sounds like you are maybe a bit jealous or envious that your boyfriend is going on a trip and having an adventure, and you want the same thing. Also, you're 20/21? Man, that is so incredibly young. I hated it when people said that to me at 21, but it's the truth. You'll probably be a totally different person in 4 years. I hope you take your time w/ the 2nd marriage. Lol. I'm 23 for starters. And yeah I'm jealous! Then again, ill be going there too. I'm not talking big adventures, I'm talking small ones. Talking adventures WITH him. I do adventures on my own quite often.
AverageCat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Totally disagree. Things aren't boring, just predictable. He is far more romantic than any man I have been with and ultimately we have the most amazing chemistry. Our compatibility is dead on too, he's my best friend. I just need an adventure every now and then. Predictability = Boring At least in my eyes, but again let's not get caught up on words. You get my point I think... you need an adventure once in a while. So tell him this. Tell him that you think that if he can become more adventurous and sometime more spontaneous and not so planned out... then he could be perfect... That doesn't mean he should be irresponsible, but give a perception of adventure. I.e. - One night I told my girl we'd break in a castle nearby. I had already done it, knew 100% there was no risk involved, but didn't tell her. We ended up having sex in the castle to what she says was the most passionate night of her life. That went on to be a crazy adventure with minimal risk involved. This is a delicate subject though, so be sure to not hurt his ego. Tell him 3 things you like about him and then ask him if he thinks you have any flaws. And only AFTER, you can go on and discuss about him. If he's smart enough you'll understand... You say he's your best friend and that's GOOD. However you need a lover too... or a few years down the line, you'll start missing that part, you'll start missing the drama, being a teenager, doing stupid things and all that. Cheers
KungFuJoe Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 jaclynrae, Are you missing the "partying" life? The going out to clubs, bars, etc...getting drunk, getting stupid, having fun and a whole bunch of stories to tell the next day?
iris219 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 OP, I don't think it's about young, or old. It's about the type of person. You went from the lover type: Usually badboy, crazy, adventurous, doesn't ever get boring, based on love, attraction and feelings, more highs but also more downs. To the provider type: Usually more serious, more of a planned man, more supportive, less drama, but also more boring, less rollercoasters. I think you should make your bf aware of this!. Because I think there is a 3rd type: The balanced out type: Is smart, thought out, however also spontaneous and gives you that emotional rollercoaster once in a while, but is also supportive. You can also count on him, even though he seems crazy at times. Compatibility has a lot to do with what are you more compatible with Relationships are generally predictable because humans are creatures of habit. Some relationships are just predictably bad. If you're known for being spontaneous, that's predictable because it's something that's expected of you based on your personality. jaclynrae, Are you missing the "partying" life? The going out to clubs, bars, etc...getting drunk, getting stupid, having fun and a whole bunch of stories to tell the next day? As someone whose relationship sounds similar to the OP's, I will say that I didn't realize how much I hated the party lifestyle. I hope I'm never single so that I'm never expected to hang out in bars ever again!
AverageCat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Relationships are generally predictable because humans are creatures of habit. Some relationships are just predictably bad. If you're known for being spontaneous, that's predictable because it's something that's expected of you based on your personality. Yes she can predict me, but she can't predict what will happen Also my main point was that you need a variety of emotions and that's when it's hard to predict you. Go on a vacation and get crazy, then stay home for a week, then do boring things couples do (going to movies, dinner), then surprise her by going to pick her at work and having sex at her work place. Then planning out a well-planned weekend together at her parents. Then buying some random toy/game, then can make you both feel like you're 8 again. Then be cool and do your own thing for a bit, then make her a handmade origami, because it's the 239 day that you guys are together, then passionate sex, then more and more and more different things
ThaWholigan Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) Seems like it's not the passion thats missing but the spontaneity of it all. The spur-of-the-moment, sudden changes. I don't think that's a product of youth - I've always been balanced between analysis and impulsivity. Others are more methodical in nature and are still that way as they are older - and there are those who are as impulsive, spontaneous and unpredictable as they were in their younger days. Within reason of course, not in a derogatory way. It is just a slight, but fundamental difference between the two current most important lovers of your young life. Edited July 8, 2013 by ThaWholigan 2
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Predictability = Boring At least in my eyes, but again let's not get caught up on words. You get my point I think... you need an adventure once in a while. So tell him this. Tell him that you think that if he can become more adventurous and sometime more spontaneous and not so planned out... then he could be perfect... That doesn't mean he should be irresponsible, but give a perception of adventure. I.e. - One night I told my girl we'd break in a castle nearby. I had already done it, knew 100% there was no risk involved, but didn't tell her. We ended up having sex in the castle to what she says was the most passionate night of her life. That went on to be a crazy adventure with minimal risk involved. This is a delicate subject though, so be sure to not hurt his ego. Tell him 3 things you like about him and then ask him if he thinks you have any flaws. And only AFTER, you can go on and discuss about him. If he's smart enough you'll understand... You say he's your best friend and that's GOOD. However you need a lover too... or a few years down the line, you'll start missing that part, you'll start missing the drama, being a teenager, doing stupid things and all that. Cheers We discussed it. All is well. jaclynrae, Are you missing the "partying" life? The going out to clubs, bars, etc...getting drunk, getting stupid, having fun and a whole bunch of stories to tell the next day? Lol, a part of me misses it of course! Not at all to the point where I would go back to that. I am lucky because I now get that party time with my best friend. We actually went out about a month ago and got crazy together. It was just what I needed. It's a perfect balance, it's something he has been completely supportive of since we got together. See, he is by most standards a "boring" person. I love the way he is, but I am sure so many people her would find him boring. His sobriety plays a huge role in our dynamics, spontaneity is something that is just outright difficult for him to do. He is very romantic, the romance isn't lacking at all! He really isn't boring either! I love our life together, I have my adventures, I just want one together. I'm a naturally adventurous person. Ill jump on public transportation and go to the city for the day on a whim, do a last minute trip to six flags... I just would love to share something like that with him! I exciting for these next few weeks though, he won't be working, I have a feeling a few trips together will happen before he leaves!
KungFuJoe Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 It really depends on how IMPORTANT spontaneity and adventures are for you. I think everyone places an importance on specific things in a partner. One might value looks most...or personality...or humor. Everyone has "deal breakers" and "can live without". So it really comes down you needing to ask yourself (and be COMPLETELY honest with yourself as well)...is the lack of spontaneity a deal breaker? ...or a can live without?
RogerWallace111 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 How old is your man ? If you're only 23 and are feeling these sort of things in your relationship, things are probably gonna need to change in order for it to work long term. But honestly your marriage goal might be best left off your mind for the time being. Not that you shouldn't consider the possibility, but when a couple starts planning for that or it becomes their MO, it's further facilitates routine, etc. Early-mid twenties are the new late teens . With science today, you guys might be spending the next 75-80 years together ! I think consciously being more present-oriented as a couple and just acting a bit more your age might help things feel/be a bit more spontaneous, interesting and fun.
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