jennalee9306 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 New here, but have been reading a lot of posts the last couple of days. Seems to be a lot of great (and tough love) advice from all of you. Here's my story. Have been dating my guy for 3 years. Both in our 40's, both divorced with kids. The beginning was fantastic. We have a lot of fun together, get each other's goofy sides, etc. He moved into my house after about 6 months. We lived together for about a year, had a fight and he moved out. It was weird for him to live at my house. He currently lives with his parents (bad divorce, no money, mom in poor health) and he felt weird living in someone else's house. I tried making it feel like our house, but it just didn't feel that way to him. He said I was lazy because my house wasn't spotless, but hey, I'm a single mom who works full time. Sometimes I'm tired. And he wasn't really doing much to help out. He cleaned up after himself! Well there is so much more than just putting your soda can in the garbage. Or doing your own laundry. We talked, made up, but decided not to live together for now. So we were together, he'd come over 3 nights a week. Mostly when I didn't have my son and all was good. We would go out every once in a while but not a lot. Talked and text every day. He never really hung out with my 13 year old a lot and his kids (13 and 18) barely acknowledge me. I thought it was ok. Separate lives until the boys got older, he was more financially stable, etc. Seemed like a decent arrangement. He has been very depressed and hasn't been texting/talking much lately, so I ask him what's up. Says he hates his life and he can't talk to me because I don't listen. I apologized and really tried to just let him talk. I consider myself a good listener. Anyway he didn't talk to me for a couple days so I told him we needed to talk. He called and I let him talk about how much he hates his life for almost an hour. He really didn't even say much. Long silences. He said he really just wanted to be alone. I asked what that meant and he wouldn't answer. Told him I didn't want to be in limbo and I needed to know what he wanted. Still nothing. He just wouldn't talk. So finally I asked if we were breaking up. He said Yeah, I guess so. Tried to figure out why or what he wanted but he just really stopped talking. So I said goodbye and hung up. Haven't talked to him for 6 days. I really have no idea if it's over. I need to know one way or another. This is making me nuts. I have taken some time over the last 6 days to do some thinking about myself and the relationship. Came to the conclusion that we really were friends with benefits at the very best and that's not what I want for my life. I do need to talk to him to find out what is going on. If he really wants to breakup or if he's just really depressed. If he doesn't, I need to know if he wants more. If he does, then we need to deal with cell phone contracts and money he owes me. Problem is, I know he won't call first. And he won't just man up and break up with me. I really don't know what to do. Feel like I'm dealing with a child. I am a grown woman and would like to have a grown up conversation. Do I call? Or do I give him more time?
jkepler85 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 There is no difference between a break and a break up they are the same thing. If you're on a "break" pretend like the don't exist, then when then never call just continue doing that.
oldshirt Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I'm in my 40s too so even though I am still married I do kind of see where you are coming from. IMHO I do think he broke up with you in his own way. Things are as people do. If he isn't doing the things that a grown man in a legitimate relationship does, then he isn't in a relationship. When I was a teenager I read an article in one of my sister's "teen" magazine that boys don't formally break up with girls and dump them in the manner for which a girl would dump a boy. The boy simply stops calling and stops coming around and then one day you see him schmoozing another girl. That article was directed towards 16 year old girls but unfortunately it probably does apply as equally to 45 year divorced men as well. Humans are what they are. My advice is to simply send him an email (which is legally admissible in court) and matter of factly ask for the return of your possesions and money owed and give him a specific date to return it by. It's ok to tell him that you are concerned with his well being and that you are available to talk if he wishes to do so. And then I would advise you to move on with your life and pursue your own interests as you would if he were not in your life......because frankly, either he is involved in your life or he isn't and it sounds to me like he isn't.
jkepler85 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Some people are cowards when it comes to speaking the truth. For those people judge them by their actions and judge them harshly.
oldshirt Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 And try to let go of the notion that there is a good and proper way to break up that will leave people painfree and at peace. There isn't. No matter how someone dumps you, it's going to cause pain and you are going to have an issue with it and complain about it and it will never be adequate or proper in your own mind. He confirmed your break up status when you asked him. That's what you asked for and that's what you got. Lame??? yes. But he's backed it up with deed so it counts. Where you are fully within your right to lay down the law and draw a line in the sand is when he shows up on your doorstep with a 12 pack of Bud Light, a hard-on and a wink-wink in his eye. and I'd bet my bottom dollar that will happen in the next few days or week or so. You may have to settle for lame and pathetic dumping but you don't have to settle for a booty call after a lame and pathetic dumping.
Author jennalee9306 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Thank you for the replies. You are absolutely right. He is either involved or not and he is not. It was a crappy way to break up, but I guess it's all I get. I did take your advice and sent an email about the phone and money. The money isn't a huge deal. I could use it, but can also live with out it. The issue is the phone. I hold the contract and have him and his mom on my plan. The only way to get them off if for us both to go to the mall together and deal with it. Guess I will just have to wait and see if he decides to man up and answer me. BTW, Definitely not falling for the 12 pack, wink wink deal either.
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 If he doesn't reply within a week, tell him you will give him 7 days to deal with this matter, or you will put the matter in the hands of a lawyer/solicitor. Investigate your rights (speak to the 'phone company too). This is business. This is nothing to do with your personal relationship, this was an agreement. If he won't deal with it on a 'friendly' level, you have every right to take his negligence seriously and to safeguard your interests.
Author jennalee9306 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Finally got a reply from him today. He said he's gonna try to do the phones online today. He will pay me back with his next 2 paychecks and he's sorry about everything. Told him we have to do the phones in person. It's the only way. Not trying to drag him into a one on one, but that's how my cell phone company does it. Today I am very angry about it all. I have been pretty good this past week because it was still kinda up in the air, but now I'm just angry that 3 more years of my life is gone. And he just gets to slink away like a coward. I did a lot for this man, loved him, cared for him, helped him, listened to him and it meant nothing. No really looking for advice, just need to vent.
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