scott8357 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I will try to keep this short ...After a 15 year marriage failed, I ran into a girl I have known for a few years. We have always been friends and I never looked at her in a romantic light until one night a few months ago. We hadn't seen each other in a while and we reconnected very quickly. Within a few days we had a "Date" on the books. After talking with a few of my other friends about my plans with this girl, I was advised that she has been dating someone else for approx 7 mos. I didn't see the harm since she was not in a committed relationship and chose to go forward to see where things went. This was my first date since my wife left 6 mos earlier. She is 33 I am 35. The first date couldn't have gone any better. There was plenty of chemistry and neither one of us wanted it to end. We continued to see each other ALOT over the next month. Around week 3 she told me that she felt she needed to tell me that she was dating someone else as well. I replied that I didn't need to hear about that and was confident that it would work itself out as we continued to see each other. At the end of the second month of continuously dating, I poked around on her thoughts of being in a committed relationship with me. She was open to the idea and liked the thought of it. So I made my case and asked her to end things with the other guy and give us a chance. She agreed and I thought things were going perfect. Within a few days of her committing to me, she came by one evening and told me that she had to withdraw but wanted to continue to date. She told me she has tried to end things with this other guy 3 times now, and he wont back off and she doesn't want to hurt him. She said she understood what I wanted and wanted to give it to me but she felt that she had to end things naturally with the other guy, and that I was free to date other women at the same time. Over the next few weeks we continued to date and frequented the commitment topic on and off in light spirits. (I never felt threatened by the other guy due to the amount of time she spent with me. He maybe got 1 or 2 nights a week with her) Then one day I noticed his FB profile was deactivated and he was not in her friends list. I caught a glimpse of a message he sent her about "Please meet me in person I have a few last things to say"...I was elated, I never inquired her on the state of "their" relationship, but this looked to me like it was donezo. Things were going great and this guy was pretty much completely out of the picture...Then one night she told me she had plans. I assumed she was going to meet with the guy since it was his last request and I was hoping that would be the end of it. Well whatever he said or did worked...She went cold on me and had plans with him for the next several nights in a row. I was cut down to 1 or 2 nights. The worst part is she has complained before about how boring he is so at the end of each of their dates she would immediately call me and tell me how happy she was that I answered my phone and say things about having a bad time. I figured he must have given her a "hard sell" on lets give us one last try and then I will leave you alone forever blah blah...But I still didnt view him as a threat, I have heard the way she talks about him and the way some of her friends describe him. So this last week things come to a head...I go out with her on Wed night and spend the night. Hang out all day Thursday then out of nowhere she tells me she has to go and that she has plans that night. I was confused and for the first time I called her out on what was going on over there and that I had noticed the change. She got quiet and sad, and after 5 minutes of silence she told me that the other guy has asked her to move in...and that she was going to try it for a few weeks. She said she was doing it for herself to try to take herself out of the social scene that we frequent (night life) and figure herself out. That she thinks about me all day long every day and she doesn't know how she feels about that. Of course I tell her that I disagree with her decision and that I can provide whatever she is looking for. She told me that she needed to do this and that she wants to be with me but this has to happen first. She promised she will work twice as hard on our relationship when this thing is over but she still going through with it. I told her that I would do what I needed to, to get over her but to call me when she figures things out and if I'm available we may be able to pick up where we left off. I let her know that I needed to go away for a while that she was devastating me and that I needed space so my calls and txts may stop for a while. She said she understood, but called me the next day, after I hesitated, I answered and I think we both felt better for talking but I basically reset the clock (she was crying and telling me that she tried not to call but had been fighting it for 6 hours and finally gave in)...I feel like going NC is my best chance to end things with her the other guy...but for the last 3+ months we have talked and txt'd all day everyday. Side Note: She has told me that I have her heart, but he is good for her on paper, whatever that means. So should I call txt from time to time for my own sanity and to stay in the picture? Or go NC completely so that I can move on and she may figure it out before I'm gone. Sorry if this got long thanks for reading and any advice.
BradJacobs Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Go NC. Forget her. Move on. You set yourself up for this fall because you never had backbone enough to end things while she flip flopped between you both. The other man won. She's moving in with him and not you. Time to find someone else to focus your energy on who can give you that committed relationship that you want. 3
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I just don't get it. She multi dated you the entire time, then moved in with him... Why would you want that, why would you accept that? Why now, would you want to remain her safety net? Why are you ok with being the OM? You were likely the OM THE WHOLE TIME. She's cake eating...close the bakery. NC IS YOUR FRIEND. 2
raccoontt Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Being there, done that. I think NC is the only thing that can make you happy. If in some months you won't have an idea where she is and what she is doing, that's where you will find satisfaction. However, you will have to be strong and fight your curiosity to check for updates about her life.
Imajerk17 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) Every time you are there for her as you are, you are making it easier for her to get over you. Even if things don't work out with her and the other guy you and she won't be getting together You are NOT getting closer to her being yours as you might be thinking, as I'm sure it is extremely tempting to think. You need to go NC on this woman ASAP. As in, STOP answering her phone calls and STOP answering her texts. And no explanation either, she would know why you would do something like that. ASIDE: What does a woman mean when she says she is "figuring herself out"? Cripes. Edited July 7, 2013 by Imajerk17 1
Author scott8357 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 ADDITIONAL INFO: I should have included this before. Her roommate is a very large guy and is like her big brother...She was so happy when he moved in because her complex can have some "shady" activities and he makes her feel safe. He is moving out this weekend to another state. I think she is panicking because she doesn't want to live alone again. The roommate has told me that I have nothing to worry about with OM...He thinks she is just reacting right now to the thought of living alone and believes she wants to be with me.
Imajerk17 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 ADDITIONAL INFO: I should have included this before. Her roommate is a very large guy and is like her big brother...She was so happy when he moved in because her complex can have some "shady" activities and he makes her feel safe. He is moving out this weekend to another state. I think she is panicking because she doesn't want to live alone again. The roommate has told me that I have nothing to worry about with OM...He thinks she is just reacting right now to the thought of living alone and believes she wants to be with me. Sorry Scott, but all I know is that actions speak louder than words. 2
BradJacobs Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 ADDITIONAL INFO: I should have included this before. Her roommate is a very large guy and is like her big brother...She was so happy when he moved in because her complex can have some "shady" activities and he makes her feel safe. He is moving out this weekend to another state. I think she is panicking because she doesn't want to live alone again. The roommate has told me that I have nothing to worry about with OM...He thinks she is just reacting right now to the thought of living alone and believes she wants to be with me. All I am hearing in this is more excuses being made for her. Move on. If she comes back to you then it needs to be on your terms, not hers but do NOT hold your breathe. 2
Author scott8357 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 ADD: She told me I'm the best lover she has ever had...I don't know if that plays into anything
hoping2heal Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 ADD: She told me I'm the best lover she has ever had...I don't know if that plays into anything Ummm..... Okay, really?? Do you need glasses? Because you're seeing with 0/0 vision on this issue. You're the best lover she's ever had. That other guy is so boring. What's next? Your penis gives her quadruple orgasms and pantene hair? She moved in with someone else. Someone else she was seeing whom was boring and she wasn't that interested in but yet in time he totally replaced you. She's full of crap and she's got that Victrola cranked up to 90 while she plays you like a record. How you can believe a word this woman says is incredible. 3
curlygirl40 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I'm going to give you the same advice a good friend gave me when I started dating again after a long marriage. You are listening to all of the little signs and ignoring the big one. She says you're a great lover, she says you have her heart, her big roommate is moving out and she's scared to live alone, this other guy is good on paper, she doesn't want to hurt him. Those are all little signs compared to the one BIG sign and that is that she is moving in with the other guy. That is all you need to know. Listen to the big sign and ignore all of the other things. Actions trump words every. single. time. Do yourself a favor and cut contact. If she never comes back, at least you have a head start on moving on. If you have any chance at all in her coming back (and why would you want her if she did????) it's to cut contact so that she can miss you. She can't miss you if you don't go away. At least leave this situation with the little dignity and respect you have left. Do not make yourself available to her. Sorry! Best of luck 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Scott...you are a hell of a sucker! This woman has you wrapped around her big toe and every once in a while she steps in a pile of shet and you just come out smiling w shet between your teeth. I feel sorry for you, you got it bad and you got way too wrapped up in the first thing that came along after your divorce. 3
sdraw108 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 You're being short sighted. You say you don't feel threatened by the other guy, but even if things do work out between you and her, she's a cheater. She won't hesitate to do it to you later down the line, when it's convenient for her. Even if you're not threatened by him, you should be threatened by what he signifies. You're lucky, she's already proven to you that she is not trustworthy. Most people have to learn that the hard way when they get taken by surprise!
shexy Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Forget her and move on. For real. She strung you both along way too long. There are better women out there, trust me on that one.
Author scott8357 Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 UPDATE! Ok well despite the advice given, after approximately 24 hours of NC, she called and I answered (again after hesitation). She told me she could not stay away from me, and that she was seriously reconsidering her decision to move in with the other guy (she has not done it yet). Her problem (as she explained) was that she can not control herself around me and is looking to rein-in her "wild" lifestyle. And she thinks boring is what she needs but her passion is with me. Bottom line, she invited me over and I went...(I can hear the sighs, already)...we spent the next 36 hours together (last 2 evenings and the entire day yesterday). During the day yesterday I pressed her hard on her decision to move in with the other guy...I ended up telling her that if she goes through with it...I will never give her another chance...she was sad and said that she was hearing everything I said but needed time to process everything and wanted to spend the rest of our day having fun. So we ended up going out, did a few things, then she came over to my place and stayed the night. This morning she left my place directly for work. Right now, I dont think either one of knows where the relationship is, or the other guy for that matter. (I think she snuck away from me to blow him off several times yesterday.)
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I hate indecisive manipulative women. You apparently don't.
pcplod Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Have to just say, women aren't that scarce a commodity, nor are they a threatened species. Just thought you ought to know. 1
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