RebelWithoutACause Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 People often say that honestly is the best policy but, in my experience, if you are direct and honest with somebody when it comes to romantic feelings, more often than not, it's met with confusion and frustration. I swear, there is no quicker way to annoy someone than to tell them you actually like them. I don't know if it's because we are conditioned to be coy and aloof when it comes to feelings and the last thing we expect is honesty, but it seems nothing kills attraction faster than being open about it. Anybody else experienced this?
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 This is the "reality" in most cases but for some reason people will protest this as if there is no risk involved and everybody is trustworthy...I have no idea what planet those people grew up on...but where I'm from, people judge you for just about everything you do, the outside counts and the words you say and the investment you give make a difference in the perception someone has of you...even if it's just about timing. And I'm pretty damn good at functioning in that world. I don't think many people understand the social dynamic especially the dating world, if we could all eat pie and jokingly laugh and be open with each other about our feeling sand thoughts and no one would take advantage or judge us that would be an "ideal" world...but in reality it just doesn't work that way. Honesty is the best policy for people you can trust, everybody else is on the "outside" of that circle and you should never really give them the "benefit of the doubt" fully and unwittingly as if they were your besty and could tell them all your deepest and darkest secrets. You have no idea what agenda that person has, nor do you have any idea how they may judge you and therefore in some indirect or direct way abuse you because of it. The other thing is directness can often times scare people because most people need it in doses, and also need to establish trust...never just assume that your feelings and barriers are the only thing that have to be addressed...be aware of how the other person responds and reacts, be aware of how someone reciprocates, and also their body language. Many people go through this world thinking of just me, me, me...everything revolves around me, and how I feel and how I behave and whatever you say just adds to my euphoria or dismay, as if they're just a object in your world...pay attention to others, be communicative and ask questions...people I notice really don't know how to get to know one another on a fundamental level..everyone is playing the self-conscious/insecure game and others are seeking to exploit you unfortunately. When I interact with people, I am often very direct and open, I also very "vulnerable" to a degree that is what is considered normal for most people...not because I am truly vulnerable but because I am so comfortable with myself that I do not feel vulnerable in that state...and it doesn't mean I trust the person 100 percent nor expect them to do something to wrong me, I just be conscious and aware of where I'm comfortable and assess what they are giving and reciprocating in the situation. It's all too easy to just live in the own world and do what you feel like...but without that awareness of how the other person feels or is thinking, you're either going to find yourself way ahead of the other person emotionally, or disconnected...you also have to understand that your "romantic feelings" are likely exacerbated by a degree of fulfillment that you may seek from random men/strangers you don't know all that well. 4
Author RebelWithoutACause Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Thanks for your reply Ninjainpajamas. While I don't have a problem with directness in everyday life, when it comes to dating it gets a lot more weirder. For example, I had this guy friend from work, we had gotten quite close thru messaging, facebook, we went out for lunch together almost everyday, we were very flirty. However when it came to actually getting together outside of work he'd always flake. I got tired of the mind games and one day just told him I really liked him. You could almost see him turn a shade of pale blue. He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It's funny when I look back now.
soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 This is the "reality" in most cases but for some reason people will protest this as if there is no risk involved and everybody is trustworthy...I have no idea what planet those people grew up on...but where I'm from, people judge you for just about everything you do, the outside counts and the words you say and the investment you give make a difference in the perception someone has of you...even if it's just about timing. And I'm pretty damn good at functioning in that world. I don't think many people understand the social dynamic especially the dating world, if we could all eat pie and jokingly laugh and be open with each other about our feeling sand thoughts and no one would take advantage or judge us that would be an "ideal" world...but in reality it just doesn't work that way. Honesty is the best policy for people you can trust, everybody else is on the "outside" of that circle and you should never really give them the "benefit of the doubt" fully and unwittingly as if they were your besty and could tell them all your deepest and darkest secrets. You have no idea what agenda that person has, nor do you have any idea how they may judge you and therefore in some indirect or direct way abuse you because of it. The other thing is directness can often times scare people because most people need it in doses, and also need to establish trust...never just assume that your feelings and barriers are the only thing that have to be addressed...be aware of how the other person responds and reacts, be aware of how someone reciprocates, and also their body language. Many people go through this world thinking of just me, me, me...everything revolves around me, and how I feel and how I behave and whatever you say just adds to my euphoria or dismay, as if they're just a object in your world...pay attention to others, be communicative and ask questions...people I notice really don't know how to get to know one another on a fundamental level..everyone is playing the self-conscious/insecure game and others are seeking to exploit you unfortunately. When I interact with people, I am often very direct and open, I also very "vulnerable" to a degree that is what is considered normal for most people...not because I am truly vulnerable but because I am so comfortable with myself that I do not feel vulnerable in that state...and it doesn't mean I trust the person 100 percent nor expect them to do something to wrong me, I just be conscious and aware of where I'm comfortable and assess what they are giving and reciprocating in the situation. It's all too easy to just live in the own world and do what you feel like...but without that awareness of how the other person feels or is thinking, you're either going to find yourself way ahead of the other person emotionally, or disconnected...you also have to understand that your "romantic feelings" are likely exacerbated by a degree of fulfillment that you may seek from random men/strangers you don't know all that well. Well said. And yet, the direct approach has worked for me since I started dating again. Perhaps I've been luck enough to meet other women who also appreciate honesty, frankness over guile or a desire to spare one's feelings b/c it "might" be hurtful. Of course one must be tact in one's approach, but being direct, if it means being honest, is the best policy. If being direct means being a selfish a-hole, then, of course not.
Author RebelWithoutACause Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 If being direct means being a selfish a-hole, then, of course not. Can you elaborate on that?
BradJacobs Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I had this guy friend from work, we had gotten quite close thru messaging, facebook, we went out for lunch together almost everyday, we were very flirty. However when it came to actually getting together outside of work he'd always flake. I got tired of the mind games and one day just told him I really liked him. You could almost see him turn a shade of pale blue. He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It's funny when I look back now. Your story doesn't prove being direct is bad in romantic or dating settings. More than likely that's because he didn't share those same feelings. He went dark because he realized what he was doing to you was more than innocent flirting. It's all very relative. People who are into you will appreciate your direct outlook. Those who aren't will find it a turn off. It's no different than finding what one person does endearing because you like them while the same thing can come off as creepy if you don't like the person. 1
soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Can you elaborate on that? Ninjainpajamas expressed it well enough. I can be direct and tell you what MY desires are, what MY needs are, what MY expectations are, so, it becomes MY way of letting the partner know what I need. Being direct and honest, certainly. But if there is never any attempt to consider that one's own requirements may differ or impede the needs of the partner, then your being, well, simply, SELFISH, right? That kind of directness and honesty is intolerable as far as I'm concerned.
Author RebelWithoutACause Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Your story doesn't prove being direct is bad in romantic or dating settings. More than likely that's because he didn't share those same feelings. He went dark because he realized what he was doing to you was more than innocent flirting. It's all very relative. People who are into you will appreciate your direct outlook. Those who aren't will find it a turn off. It's no different than finding what one person does endearing because you like them while the same thing can come off as creepy if you don't like the person. This is possible, and it's what I thought at the time too. However, it seems, if you're aloof and distant and hard to get it generates more attraction, than if you're direct and open. Which is sad more than anything. I'm talking in general, not about this particular example. BTW, once I filed this guy under "not interested" and started ignoring him, it drove him crazy. He wouldn't leave me alone. Again, sad..
Author RebelWithoutACause Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Ninjainpajamas expressed it well enough. I can be direct and tell you what MY desires are, what MY needs are, what MY expectations are, so, it becomes MY way of letting the partner know what I need. Being direct and honest, certainly. But if there is never any attempt to consider that one's own requirements may differ or impede the needs of the partner, then your being, well, simply, SELFISH, right? That kind of directness and honesty is intolerable as far as I'm concerned. OK, thanks for clarifying.
PCS991 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 People often say that honestly is the best policy but, in my experience, if you are direct and honest with somebody when it comes to romantic feelings, more often than not, it's met with confusion and frustration. I swear, there is no quicker way to annoy someone than to tell them you actually like them. I don't know if it's because we are conditioned to be coy and aloof when it comes to feelings and the last thing we expect is honesty, but it seems nothing kills attraction faster than being open about it. Anybody else experienced this? Yes...and I never understood it and never will. Seem like BS games to me but it seems like it's here to stay:confused:
BradJacobs Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 if you're aloof and distant and hard to get it generates more attraction, than if you're direct and open. Oddly enough I find the reverse to be true. Too many options for an aloof or distant girl to stay on my radar.
PCS991 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Thanks for your reply Ninjainpajamas. While I don't have a problem with directness in everyday life, when it comes to dating it gets a lot more weirder. For example, I had this guy friend from work, we had gotten quite close thru messaging, facebook, we went out for lunch together almost everyday, we were very flirty. However when it came to actually getting together outside of work he'd always flake. I got tired of the mind games and one day just told him I really liked him. You could almost see him turn a shade of pale blue. He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It's funny when I look back now. Hi, Which begs me to ask the million $ question. When do you tell someone you like them? I am approaching this point fairly soon as I have been visiting a girl in CA for some weeks now and I drop dead afraid to say anything yet in fear she isn't ready to hear it.
soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) People often say that honestly is the best policy but, in my experience, if you are direct and honest with somebody when it comes to romantic feelings, more often than not, it's met with confusion and frustration. I swear, there is no quicker way to annoy someone than to tell them you actually like them. I don't know if it's because we are conditioned to be coy and aloof when it comes to feelings and the last thing we expect is honesty, but it seems nothing kills attraction faster than being open about it. Anybody else experienced this? Oh, my apologies, I didn't answer the OP's post. My experience has been the total opposite of this. But, could it be age? Maturity? I'm in my early 40s dating other women within my age range, so, perhaps that makes a difference? Edited July 7, 2013 by soccerrprp
Author RebelWithoutACause Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Oddly enough I find the reverse to be true. Too many options for an aloof or distant girl to stay on my radar. What about the reverse? Do you think a girl would be more interested in you if you told her right away you really liked her, or if you played it cool at first. Because, unless they are already madly in love with with, most people don't like it when someone they don't really know spews feelings at them. At least from what I've seen. I'm talking, of course, about the early stages of getting to know someone. Obviously once you are in an established relationship openness is a given.
Author RebelWithoutACause Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Oh, my apologies, I didn't answer the OP's post. My experience has been the total opposite of this. But, could it be age? Maturity? I'm in my early 40s dating other women within my age range, so, perhaps that makes a difference? I'm happy to read that others have had a different experience with this. Unfortunate I don't think it's age related as I'm no spring chicken myself and I see a lot of immaturity within my age group (30s)
soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 In fact, I'm seeing someone now and we just had a talk about being open and upfront about any and everything (that includes sex). We simply don't have time for guessing, wondering, "trying-to-figure-you-out" games. But, RWAC, if you are just dating and someone said to you that he was "in LOVE" with you, wouldn't you be a little concerned, uncomfortable? I know that my spider-senses would be going off, if not for a moment or two. There was another similar discussion in regards to this. Your confession clearly places the recipient in precarious position, don't you agree? You are literally forcing his/her hand and making them decide whether they want to continue or bail at that very moment of confession. If this person is hardly sure about the relationship, being so new, the likely result is he/she will bail to be safe. Just the way I see it.
soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) Unfortunate I don't think it's age related as I'm no spring chicken myself and I see a lot of immaturity within my age group (30s) Oh, btw, speak for yourself, I'm still a spring chicken! Edited July 7, 2013 by soccerrprp
Author RebelWithoutACause Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 There was another similar discussion in regards to this. Your confession clearly places the recipient in precarious position, don't you agree? You are literally forcing his/her hand and making them decide whether they want to continue or bail at that very moment of confession. If this person is hardly sure about the relationship, being so new, the likely result is he/she will bail to be safe. Yes, I agree. This puts too much pressure on the other party. It scares them and they retreat. Hence why the guy from my example reacted the way he did.
BradJacobs Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 What about the reverse? Do you think a girl would be more interested in you if you told her right away you really liked her, or if you played it cool at first. Because, unless they are already madly in love with with, most people don't like it when someone they don't really know spews feelings at them. At least from what I've seen. My experiences aren't going to speak to the majority. They will only speak to what I've experienced. I have no problems in finding women who appreciate my direct style. Having the confidence to be direct, without care for consequence, is one of those things women tell me is attractive about my personality. The ones who find it a turn off and want me to be aloof and distant? I never find them attractive so why would I oblige?
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Thanks for your reply Ninjainpajamas. While I don't have a problem with directness in everyday life, when it comes to dating it gets a lot more weirder. For example, I had this guy friend from work, we had gotten quite close thru messaging, facebook, we went out for lunch together almost everyday, we were very flirty. However when it came to actually getting together outside of work he'd always flake. I got tired of the mind games and one day just told him I really liked him. You could almost see him turn a shade of pale blue. He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It's funny when I look back now. To be fair, this is a scenario of someone who wasn't interested in you not knowing how to act when you revealed deeper feelings. It had nothing to do with the fact you were direct except that he didn't return your feelings so it became awkward and he avoided. You could have continued to pussyfoot around the bush and it wouldn't have changed the outcome. 1
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Not really, Being direct has been more of a weed whacker. It weeds out the difference between those who are genuinely interested you and those that don't. It saves alot of time because you're not wasting more time than necessary on someone who isn't interested in you anyway. 1
Author RebelWithoutACause Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Not really, Being direct has been more of a weed whacker. It weeds out the difference between those who are genuinely interested you and those that don't. It saves alot of time because you're not wasting more time than necessary on someone who isn't interested in you anyway. That's the thing tho, when you are first getting to know someone in a romantic setting you are usually on the fence about them. You like them, you hope they like you, but you have your guard up. There is a lot of anticipation and expectations building up. And then all of a sudden they put their cards on the table. It kills all the intrigue and puts you on the spot to either be on the same page as them or reject them.
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) That's the thing tho, when you are first getting to know someone in a romantic setting you are usually on the fence about them. You like them, you hope they like you, but you have your guard up. There is a lot of anticipation and expectations building up. And then all of a sudden they put their cards on the table. It kills all the intrigue and puts you on the spot to either be on the same page as them or reject them. I kind of disagree with this. I mean I know there will be exceptions, some people might not feel an instant attraction but decide to "feel it out" nonetheless. But, I think most of us know if we're attracted and there is chemistry or not and whether we'd date the person or just have sex with them (or neither) fairly early on. Then as time progresses our interest might grow or dissipate depending. If it scares someone off because you cop to liking them then they couldn't be that into you in the first place. Edited July 7, 2013 by hoping2heal mistake with my homonyms
PCS991 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 That's the thing tho, when you are first getting to know someone in a romantic setting you are usually on the fence about them. You like them, you hope they like you, but you have your guard up. There is a lot of anticipation and expectations building up. And then all of a sudden they put their cards on the table. It kills all the intrigue and puts you on the spot to either be on the same page as them or reject them. Well said. I guess there are quite a few ways to attempt to let the other person know your feelings or intentions and personally I feel it's a little bit of the following: How you tell them... Where you tell them... When you tell them... Soon I will be facing this...very soon.
JustJana Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I'm very straightforward & maybe too open. I don't do well with games, so I don't try to play them. It doesn't seem to make people run luckily.
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