carhill Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Seven years is a pretty long grieving process. Did he get any counseling for this traumatic event in his young life?
Author Stephh Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Seven years is a pretty long grieving process. Did he get any counseling for this traumatic event in his young life? Yeah a very long time! No he didnt - from that bits I know I think ultimately his kids just pulled him through and he submerged himself in raising them!
carhill Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 How long is 'seeing him ever since'? Met any of his friends and family? If so, how did that go? Personally, I'd see this as a traumatic event which he may or may not be recovered from. If unrecovered, then IMO he'd be a poor relationship prospect, presuming you're looking for a future LTR/marriage partner. Sometimes practicality trumps 'hot' and otherwise positive aspects. I have a widower anecdote from my marriage, where a close friend's wife was killed by a street racer, along with their second child, who was about 8 months along in the womb when she died. The man grieved for a short period and then moved on, marrying another lady in his social circle within a couple years and went on to have another son with her. IIRC, he was in his late 30's when his wife was killed and had been married around 12 years at that point. We experienced his dynamic in person as we had consistent contact with them over time. He was an old boyfriend of my exW's, so she knew his history pretty well.
Author Stephh Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 How long is 'seeing him ever since'? Well just over 3 months but it was very off an on at the beginning so probably only seriously for about 7 weeks. Met any of his friends and family? If so, how did that go? Yeah, I've met his kids obviously & there really nice kids, I've met his friends, one of his brothers & his parents - not like formally, his friends and family are always like popping in, and sonetimes ive just been there, my guess is there the people who pulled him through and help/helped him with the boys cause like I said he never got any professional help. although he did do one bbq where he invited me and his friends. They were all lovely, really nice, especially his brother - but I think there in the place where there'd be nice to anyone right now cause they seem like they really want him to start seeing someone again. Personally, I'd see this as a traumatic event which he may or may not be recovered from. If unrecovered, then IMO he'd be a poor relationship prospect, presuming you're looking for a future LTR/marriage partner. Sometimes practicality trumps 'hot' and otherwise positive aspects. Yeah I'm not getting any younger I want a long term thing, and I guess like when I was younger I probably wouldn't of got involved with but now, I didn't think I'd ever trust a guy again and I haven't even known him very long but I trust him, I really dont think he would ever cheat, or walk away he's very stable, solid, y'know honourable kinda guy. I mean he's shown her an awful lot of loyalty up to 7 years after she died which says something. I agree though, it's just hard to tell if he's recovered or not, he says all the right things, I just dont know. And he was happy with his new girl?
melodymatters Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I was widowed and am now remarried. I'm lucky because my husbands mother was widowed TWICE, and remarried, so he understands how one can love a dead person and their memory while loving and living with the current spouse. Eventually you and this guy ( assuming everything works out of course) will create your own memories, your own history, the kids will know you better than their mom. It is one of those sad, true, inevitable facts. I have now been with my current husband longer than the one who died. I DO feel badly that I wouldn't be here, happy and madly in love with my H unless Mike had died, but after 2.5 yrs I was ready to live again. Look at some widow/widower boards to get inside the head of people who have been through it. To me, your current guy sounds like it's in his character to be very loving and loyal which is great. I hope things work out for you !
seahawker64 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I am a widower and was a little appalled at a couple of remarks made on here. There were also some good one's but let me explain how it is. We do not have black crosses marked on our foreheads because of our loss. Things happen in life that are out of our control. We have a choice, let it destroy us or we can live life to the fullest knowing that's what our former partners would want. No, we didn't go thru divorces but what we went through was far more devastating than divorce. As far as losing our money because of a divorce, that's just a total bull**** statement and scream "money grubber" and any guy widowed, divorced or single" would run for the hills faster than you can scream "IRA account" at the slightest sign of that. Because of the loss we experienced I can tell you the widowers and widows I know have far more wisdom, compassion and strength than people that have no idea of what's it take's to put life back together again. It's true there are those that never are able to let go and realize that part of their life is over. Most of us can and do. We also realize that any future relationship will be completely different from the one we had. No two people are the same. We don;t go searching for a mate with the exact attributes as our former partner. That would be wrong and you wouldn't find it anywhere. I guess what I'm saying is saying you wouldn't date a widower is the exact same as saying I won't date a single mother, I won't date a blond or I won't date someone without a nice car. If those are things your looking for then your relationship revolves around status and not what's in your soul and to be honest that is bankrupt. So before you go judging or labeling us and not a good dating partner possibly it might be wise to expand horizon's and realize our heart's are as good as the single never married guy and probably 10 times better than his because we have been thru something you can never imagine and we will probably love you more than you've ever been loved. Why, because we know nothing is guaranteed, life can be short, bad things can happen so we know to love when it's right and stay away when it's not. 2
soccerrprp Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Seahawker64, I think the OP is sensible enough to see and acknowledge what you've expressed. At least, I hope so.
Author Stephh Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I was widowed and am now remarried. I'm lucky because my husbands mother was widowed TWICE, and remarried, so he understands how one can love a dead person and their memory while loving and living with the current spouse. Eventually you and this guy ( assuming everything works out of course) will create your own memories, your own history, the kids will know you better than their mom. It is one of those sad, true, inevitable facts. I have now been with my current husband longer than the one who died. I DO feel badly that I wouldn't be here, happy and madly in love with my H unless Mike had died, but after 2.5 yrs I was ready to live again. Yeah that is true, I never really thought about it like that but I guess given time you do make your own memories! Look at some widow/widower boards to get inside the head of people who have been through it. Thanks, that's a good idea, I will do! To me, your current guy sounds like it's in his character to be very loving and loyal which is great. I hope things work out for you ! Ahh yeah he definitely is that, I really believe that. Thank you!
carhill Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 I have a widower anecdote from my marriage, where a close friend's wife was killed by a street racer, along with their second child, who was about 8 months along in the womb when she died. The man grieved for a short period and then moved on, marrying another lady in his social circle within a couple years and went on to have another son with her. IIRC, he was in his late 30's when his wife was killed and had been married around 12 years at that point. We experienced his dynamic in person as we had consistent contact with them over time. He was an old boyfriend of my exW's, so she knew his history pretty well. And he was happy with his new girl? My recollections of spending time with them, both prior to and after marriage, was that they were a good couple. Their son was about 2 when I last saw them before my exW and I split up. I admired his new wife as really down to earth and unaffected. She didn't take any of his crap either
Author Stephh Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I am a widower and was a little appalled at a couple of remarks made on here. There were also some good one's but let me explain how it is. We do not have black crosses marked on our foreheads because of our loss. Things happen in life that are out of our control. We have a choice, let it destroy us or we can live life to the fullest knowing that's what our former partners would want. No, we didn't go thru divorces but what we went through was far more devastating than divorce. As far as losing our money because of a divorce, that's just a total bull**** statement and scream "money grubber" and any guy widowed, divorced or single" would run for the hills faster than you can scream "IRA account" at the slightest sign of that. Because of the loss we experienced I can tell you the widowers and widows I know have far more wisdom, compassion and strength than people that have no idea of what's it take's to put life back together again. It's true there are those that never are able to let go and realize that part of their life is over. Most of us can and do. We also realize that any future relationship will be completely different from the one we had. No two people are the same. We don;t go searching for a mate with the exact attributes as our former partner. That would be wrong and you wouldn't find it anywhere. I guess what I'm saying is saying you wouldn't date a widower is the exact same as saying I won't date a single mother, I won't date a blond or I won't date someone without a nice car. If those are things your looking for then your relationship revolves around status and not what's in your soul and to be honest that is bankrupt. So before you go judging or labeling us and not a good dating partner possibly it might be wise to expand horizon's and realize our heart's are as good as the single never married guy and probably 10 times better than his because we have been thru something you can never imagine and we will probably love you more than you've ever been loved. Why, because we know nothing is guaranteed, life can be short, bad things can happen so we know to love when it's right and stay away when it's not. I totally totally understand that, I don't mean to offend anyone and in no way am I trying to label or judge widowers as a whole cause I am in absolutely no way qualified to do so. I'm not trying to draw any conclusions on the group as a whole, purely on Frazer. Because of the loss we experienced I can tell you the widowers and widows I know have far more wisdom, compassion and strength than people that have no idea of what's it take's to put life back together again. I don't doubt it!
therhythm Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Believe it or not, the emotional risks are no more or less risky in any situation. You still run the risk of a guy not being over his ex if he was cheated on and left. The up side is that it has been years and he has not dated. This is very healthy as he has given himself time to heal. There stands to be just as much if not more emotional hang up on your end. Point is, any relationship is a risk. One possible advantage I see is that this guy doesn't have a rotten ex-wife to be all bitter about, and she won't be an ongoing pain-in-the-ass about one thing or another (alimony, etc.). This is a guy who is likely to still have very positive feelings about relationships. Basically this ^^^^^^^ He loved someone and that will never change, he probably will love her forever but that doesn't mean that you will be nr 2.
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