Dating a widower....am i just heading for trouble??

[Stephh]

Okay where to start, so im 30 - got married at 24 and divorced the same year after my ex decided that 1 women wasn't quite enough for him. I got engaged again to a different guy, he couldn't of been more my exes opposite, very shy, and then he went and cheated as well, only once but the trust was gone

Since then its been a long while since I've been with any guy then I met <him> (well I actually kind of ran him over a little bit on his bike, oops) and I've been seeing him ever since.

I really like him, really like him!

27 and has 8 year old twin boys, he's such a good dad, like so family orientated, the boys are his world and it shows - there both play soccer and <one son> apparently shows a lot of promise as a swimmer as does <the other son> at tennis. There great boys and a credit to him as he's a single dad because, and heres the thing, hes a widower...

Apparently she was the girl he crushed on at 14 eventlyually started dating at 17, married, had the boys, and then she died in a car accident when he was 20........and he's never dated anyone since, never gone on as much as a second date, not one according to him because "it wouldn't be fair to the girl, when was still head over heels in love with her and I couldn't hear her name without going cold".

He has a tattoo over his heart of her name and underneath it says:

"Your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your voice!

 

Even though it hurts the way it ended up, I'd do it all again

So play your upside down, left-handed, backwards bass guitar

I'll see you on the other side, my superstar"

 

So, I mean, im fine with the fact that he loved her, of course he did! But I dunno, im so reluctant of getting hurt again if I really go for it with him. And he's been open with me about it y'know hes said that theres a part of him that will always love her, but that he does miss being in a relationship cause he was a good husband and that he still feels like hes got a lot of love to give, that he should be able to give".

And sometimes im like he's a great guy, everything I've been looking for so what if he loved and lost back when he was just a kid.

But then other times I dunno, when I see her, them, as a family in a photo frame or when his mates tell a story about there younger days (in which she always features - from what I here she was definitely the life and soul of the room) and im like I dunno if im walking into trouble again getting involved with this guy! Im so confused...

Edited July 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Names redacted

[sabre80]

Believe it or not, the emotional risks are no more or less risky in any situation. You still run the risk of a guy not being over his ex if he was cheated on and left. The up side is that it has been years and he has not dated. This is very healthy as he has given himself time to heal. There stands to be just as much if not more emotional hang up on your end. Point is, any relationship is a risk.

[StayBeautiful]

Having dated a widower, I wouldn't again. The deceased wife took on almost mythical status, and no earthly woman could compete.

[GorillaTheater]

One possible advantage I see is that this guy doesn't have a rotten ex-wife to be all bitter about, and she won't be an ongoing pain-in-the-ass about one thing or another (alimony, etc.).

 

This is a guy who is likely to still have very positive feelings about relationships.

[Shepp]

The fact that you'll have to come to terms with is they never broke up, so he will always still love her - that's something that if you date him you just have to deal with.

Saying that I don't see it as an issue - he's grieved for her for 7 years - that's a long long time for a young guy, so its not like hes just trying to find an instant replacement and If he's the committed, stable, loving guy you say he is then im sure that he still has a lot to give a girl.

 

Plus is it even that hes a widow that's a problem? Or would you still have the same fear of getting hurt if it was anyother guy?

[Stephh]

Believe it or not, the emotional risks are no more or less risky in any situation. You still run the risk of a guy not being over his ex if he was cheated on and left.

 

I guess, I guess!

 

There stands to be just as much if not more emotional hang up on your end. Point is, any relationship is a risk.

 

Yeah that is a fair point!

[Stephh]

Having dated a widower, I wouldn't again. The deceased wife took on almost mythical status, and no earthly woman could compete.

 

Yeah, I mean that worry lurks in the back of my mind but to be fair to him he's never ever shown any sign of comparing me to her.

[soccerrprp]

I'm a widower and I certainly do not compare my late wife with the ladies I date. None of the ladies have ever been worried about that happening b/c they have been careful not to over-emphasize the fact that I am a widower. As you would with anyone else, you observe, listen and determine whether you want to continue with the relationship.

 

Is he CONSTANTLY talking about his late wife. Does he still have pictures of her on his body (phone, wallet), does he have pics of her all over the home/apartment. Is he constantly reflective, weepy or sad when thinking about his late wife or is he very open and matter of fact about sharing with you?

 

There are things that will lend you to believe that he may not be ready or that he may be comparing you to her, but you say that is not the case. Good.

 

Just dwell unnecessarily on the fact that he is a widower. I know that that was a minor and short-lived peeve of mine with one woman I dated.

[FitChick]

I'd prefer a widower but they seem to be rare as women snatch them up quickly. No bitterness over divorce and they haven't lost half of their money in a divorce.

[Stephh]

I'm a widower and I certainly do not compare my late wife with the ladies I date. None of the ladies have ever been worried about that happening b/c they have been careful not to over-emphasize the fact that I am a widower. As you would with anyone else, you observe, listen and determine whether you want to continue with the relationship.

Yeah i know, I mean I'm sure part of it is mē and my baggage, I know I should just be thinking in baby steps!

 

Is he CONSTANTLY talking about his late wife.

Constantly no! He does talk about her but I think a lot of that is him wanting his boys to grow up really feeling like the know there mom, who she was and that's fair enough.

And I don't mind that some of his stories feature her because some of my stories feature my ex's that's jus life.

 

Does he still have pictures of her on his body (phone, wallet), does he have pics of her all over the home/apartment.

He has a picture of her in his wallet holding the boys when they were just born but that dosent bother me cause I get his sons are his pride and joy.

He has pics up of her at the house but not all over the house - I can understand that I mean she was a big part of his life - thers a pic of them as 16 year oldes, his wedding photo and a couple of pics of them and the boys - but that's who he is isn't it? That's his life up to this moment!

He did actually kind of apologise about the pics (not that I wanted him too) said something like 'sorry, I've been out the dating game for a while but I guess it hasn't got any better to show your new date your wedding photo right? I don't want her to be an unfamiliar face for my boys' which is understandable.

 

Is he constantly reflective, weepy or sad when thinking about his late wife or is he very open and matter of fact about sharing with you?

No hes not, he's a very matter of fact if-you-can-change-something-great-otherwise-get-your-head-down kinda guy.

 

There are things that will lend you to believe that he may not be ready or that he may be comparing you to her, but you say that is not the case. Good.

Yeah, and from what I gather I'm not very much like her so There's not much to compare!

[soccerrprp]

Stephh,

 

All sounds good. Just treat him like anyone else you would while dating. He may not have an angry ex or alimony or bitterness from a bad breakup, but he is human after-all and has his own baggage.

 

I hope things work out.

[sdraw108]

From what you've said, I see no reason not to pursue this. I agree with the person who said any relationship is a risk. This guy has been single for 7 years, so it's not like he's displaying a desire to be with lots of different women. I don't think he's more likely to cheat than anyone else.

[shexy]

Widower or not, there's never any guarantee when you start a relationship with someone that you won't get hurt.

 

I get that he really loved his wife, and that is awesome....he should always feel love her, especially as the mother of his kids. I will say though, that it's hard to feel secure when you KNOW that someone else is the "ideal" of the person you're dating.

 

As long as he can separate the fact that you are you and not his wife, there really shouldn't be an issue.

[Stephh]

Stephh,

 

All sounds good. Just treat him like anyone else you would while dating. He may not have an angry ex or alimony or bitterness from a bad breakup, but he is human after-all and has his own baggage.

 

I hope things work out.

Thank you!

 

I don't think he's more likely to cheat than anyone else.

The thing is I totally trust him in that regard, I don't think he'd cheat - and I never though id be that confident again in a guy!

 

I will say though, that it's hard to feel secure when you KNOW that someone else is the "ideal" of the person you're dating.

 

As long as he can separate the fact that you are you and not his wife, there really shouldn't be an issue.

 

I do think that he does separate that quite well, like I say from what I know of her we're not very alike so I really don't feel like he's looking for a replacement.

Yeah I mean I know shes no threat to me as such but it is slightly odd feeling knowing that you guy wouldn't be with you is she was alive. Saying that the only thing that actually bothers me is that im still worried he could back out at any minuet, he's said he didn't date cause he didn't want anyone else and I guess it plays on my mind slightly that that kinda feeling could hit him at any time - this is the first time hes even trying to date again, and your not going to know if your ready for something or not until you try it

Edited July 9, 2013 by Stephh

[soccerrprp]

Stephh,

 

Forum Lurker does have a point with her post. Eventually, if things progress, having pics of her around the house will be a discussion that needs to take place. One or two in the children's room is fine, but there really shouldn't be any outside of that. I don't have any pics of my late wife for myself. I have some stored away for my kids in the future to look at and one of her in each of their rooms, but that's it.

 

The tattoo is another matter. There's nothing, right now, that can be done about that. But, that's for another conversation.

 

But, it does sound like he's open about it and YOU are not feeling creeped out right now. That's what's important, for now.

[Stephh]

I guess that that's the thing - like it dosent matter to me that he's a widow and he certainly hasn't done anything to make me think I shouldn't be dating him now but I am thinking further down the line.......I want to do the marriage and kids thing and im not getting any younger and I've invested so much time into, well into disasters. He's the only guy in a long time that I trust and I think we really have a lot of the same core values (and he's hot ) but I'm so weary that he'll turn round 3 years down the road and say 'you know what, im so sorry, but im just not over her'.

And I have spoke to him about that and he says all the right things now an what more can I ask for? but the worrys still there. And maybe its me and just find worries with any guy now, but I don't know.

 

[/i]

You may not find it offensive and creepy NOW that her pictures are all over the house, their framed wedding photos are all over, and that he has her name embedded into a novel on his chest. Right now, you find it touching. But eventually, you WILL be bothered by it. After a while, you'll get tired of constantly having to show empathy and having to understand why her pictures are all over the place and why her stuff is still in the drawers and why he has to talk about her all the time and on and on and on. After a while, it's not going to be so touching and charming anymore.[/left]

 

Just be prepared to always be 4th on the list - two kids are first and second, the dead wife is third, and you come in somewhere at a tidy number 4.

 

Stephh,

Forum Lurker does have a point with her post. Eventually, if things progress, having pics of her around the house will be a discussion that needs to take place. One or two in the children's room is fine, but there really shouldn't be any outside of that. I don't have any pics of my late wife for myself. I have some stored away for my kids in the future to look at and one of her in each of their rooms, but that's it.

 

The tattoo is another matter. There's nothing, right now, that can be done about that. But, that's for another conversation.

 

But, it does sound like he's open about it and YOU are not feeling creeped out right now. That's what's important, for now.

 

If I was being totally honest, although it does make me feel a bit bad, the photos I dunno im not that uptight about them, but tattoo bothers me slightly...he's an outdoorsy guy (work and hobbies) and spends a fair amount of time walking round shirtless - which is not something id complain about because he is seriously ripped but I dunno, even if like it just said Skye i'd be cool with that but its all the paragraph that goes with, I cant help but read it it as im sure friends, family, strangers cant and that does make me feel slightly third wheel - but logically I know that's stupid - he had it done years ago and tattoos don't go away and I don't want to throw away a good thing because of a tattoo.

 

On the other side of it I feel like the perfect guy with zero baggage isn't going to be magiced up by my fairy godmother - he's everything that I've been looking for in a guy and a few photos of his late wife really aren't a high price for a loyal, hard working, funny, stable, reliable, easy going, charming, family man.

[Shepp]

but I'm so weary that he'll turn round 3 years down the road and say 'you know what, im so sorry, but im just not over her'.

 

That's the risk, you cnat take the risk away all you can do is decide wether you want to take it?

 

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.

– Chuck Palahniuk

 

It seems to be a law of nature, inflexible and inexorable, that those who will not risk cannot win.

– John Paul Jones

 

Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.

– Denis Waitley

 

You could get hurt and that's a risk but whats the risk of doing nothing/walking away? You could lose a great guy - is that not a risk too?

 

Very often, if people see the equivalent of a truck coming and they have a choice of standing still in the road or jumping into a ditch that might or might not contain poisonous snakes, they stand in the road and hope the truck swerves, because it sometimes does, and because who is going to jump into a potential pit of poisonous snakes? But if the chances that the truck will swerve are lower than the prevalence of snakes, you must jump, even though people tend to overestimate the risk of acting and underestimate the risk of not acting. Sometimes you have to take a chance.

[soccerrprp]

That's the risk, you cnat take the risk away all you can do is decide wether you want to take it?

 

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.

– Chuck Palahniuk

 

It seems to be a law of nature, inflexible and inexorable, that those who will not risk cannot win.

– John Paul Jones

 

Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.

– Denis Waitley

 

You could get hurt and that's a risk but whats the risk of doing nothing/walking away? You could lose a great guy - is that not a risk too?

 

Very often, if people see the equivalent of a truck coming and they have a choice of standing still in the road or jumping into a ditch that might or might not contain poisonous snakes, they stand in the road and hope the truck swerves, because it sometimes does, and because who is going to jump into a potential pit of poisonous snakes? But if the chances that the truck will swerve are lower than the prevalence of snakes, you must jump, even though people tend to overestimate the risk of acting and underestimate the risk of not acting. Sometimes you have to take a chance.

 

Shepp,

 

I like the way you think! But, I would go even further than that...a story for another time, perhaps.

[Shepp]

Shepp,

 

I like the way you think! But, I would go even further than that...a story for another time, perhaps.

 

Even further than what buddy? ...don't tell me - you'd jump into the pit with a machete ready to take on the poisonous snakes that may or may not be waiting, right?

[soccerrprp]

Even further than what buddy? ...don't tell me - you'd jump into the pit with a machete ready to take on the poisonous snakes that may or may not be waiting, right?

 

Yeah, something like that.

[youngnlove89]

My mom is dating a man that lost his wife a year before they met. They have been dating for 5 years now. She loves him, but she always feels second best to his deceased wife. He still has an urn in his closet of her ashes that my mom has to see every time she goes in the closet. He talks about her every now and then and his wife's family is very close to him. I think what is the hard part is knowing that if it weren't for death, you wouldn't know this person or maybe not even have the opportunity to date them.

 

It's hard for my mom sometimes, but she is committed to the man now and can't just walk away. Sad thing is that he doesn't want to get married again.

 

Death is tragic. When someone is taken from your life when everything was going great is inexplicable. It's different from divorce or breaking up. In death, that person never leaves their heart. You have to be willing to accept that.

[soccerrprp]

My mom is dating a man that lost his wife a year before they met. They have been dating for 5 years now. She loves him, but she always feels second best to his deceased wife. He still has an urn in his closet of her ashes that my mom has to see every time she goes in the closet. He talks about her every now and then and his wife's family is very close to him. I think what is the hard part is knowing that if it weren't for death, you wouldn't know this person or maybe not even have the opportunity to date them.

 

It's hard for my mom sometimes, but she is committed to the man now and can't just walk away. Sad thing is that he doesn't want to get married again.

 

Death is tragic. When someone is taken from your life when everything was going great is inexplicable. It's different from divorce or breaking up. In death, that person never leaves their heart. You have to be willing to accept that.

 

So true in so many ways. But some also have enough love to give to another in equal amounts as he/she did with late spouse. I am one.

[youngnlove89]

So true in so many ways. But some also have enough love to give to another in equal amounts as he/she did with late spouse. I am one.

 

Absolutely, and he will.

 

It's always good to put yourself in their shoes. How would you handle another person after you lost your loved one? Would you be able to let someone else in? Could you love them more?

[Stephh]

That's the risk, you cnat take the risk away all you can do is decide wether you want to take it?

 

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.

– Chuck Palahniuk

 

It seems to be a law of nature, inflexible and inexorable, that those who will not risk cannot win.

– John Paul Jones

 

Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.

– Denis Waitley

 

You could get hurt and that's a risk but whats the risk of doing nothing/walking away? You could lose a great guy - is that not a risk too?

 

Very often, if people see the equivalent of a truck coming and they have a choice of standing still in the road or jumping into a ditch that might or might not contain poisonous snakes, they stand in the road and hope the truck swerves, because it sometimes does, and because who is going to jump into a potential pit of poisonous snakes? But if the chances that the truck will swerve are lower than the prevalence of snakes, you must jump, even though people tend to overestimate the risk of acting and underestimate the risk of not acting. Sometimes you have to take a chance.

 

Yeah your right, you are right! I used to take risks and not think twice, one bitten twice shy I guess, but that's my hang up and not his fault so I know that's something I need to get over!

[Stephh]

I think what is the hard part is knowing that if it weren't for death, you wouldn't know this person or maybe not even have the opportunity to date them.

Yeah definitely!! Like me and the rest of the world know that if she was still alive he'd still be with her!

 

I totally get putting myslf in his shoes and I'd of course be cut up as well! That's why I'm starting to get my head round the not being threatened by someone who's no longer here.

 

 

It's hard for my mom sometimes, but she is committed to the man now and can't just walk away. Sad thing is that he doesn't want to get married again.

Sure..see that would be a dealbreaker for me because I want the whole marriage and kids thing....not like tommorrow but I need to know that we're at least heading in that direction!