zevahc Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I've been battling lately with the realities of what is right and healthy, vs my own pride (at least I think). So in the past 3-4 months I've gone through some attempts at NC, some LC, and NC again...a bit of a roller coaster. I truly begin to feel better as we stretch NC, and it is a real sign that it's the healthy way. But my pride and heart want the bread crumb so badly. I begin to wonder if I'm missed, and to hear those words...I miss you or I love you lay in the back of my mind. It's hard to think that I could be all but forgotten in a few months. It begins to cause mind games...were the feelings real, did she really L me...but then I go back to...well, this is the right way and the healthy way to the future.... Anyhow...thought i'd share some thoughts. I know I'm not alone in this feeling. Btw...i'm the OM. Single, not married.
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I'm sorry that you're struggling. I know the feeling, too. You're at constant war with yourself about what you need vs. what you want, but you're also given to wonder if the roles of need and want aren't the reverse of what you originally think, or have been told. My mind does this kind of thing fairly often, as well. As hard as it is, stick to the NC; you feel, in your situation, that it is the right path. You feel a bit better, the longer NC is maintained, right? I know it hurts you, to possibly think it never mattered to her. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't...but you'll only make yourself crazy, wondering. You need to distract yourself from these thoughts. I know, easier said than done. Stay strong, and keep reminding yourself why you're doing this. You're doing this for you, because you deserve better than to be someone else's second option. You deserve to be happy, with someone who makes you their first and only choice.
Sarabi Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I know how you feel Alone. Last night...saturday night. Didn't go out. Was home alone...this is when stuff happens(!) when you have too much time to sit and think the things you mentioned...does he miss me, did he ever love me, has he forgotten me... Sometimes its hard to fill time with other activities so your mind really does wander. Sometimes it really doesn't feel like anything...& the time when I no longer have to think about how happy he is without me is miles away... Well I am not as malicious as other people seem to think OW/OM are. I truly wish them luck and happiness and I hope he is treating his wife better...its still painful and I just hope I never see or hear from him again. 4
So happy together Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I've been battling lately with the realities of what is right and healthy, vs my own pride (at least I think). So in the past 3-4 months I've gone through some attempts at NC, some LC, and NC again...a bit of a roller coaster. I truly begin to feel better as we stretch NC, and it is a real sign that it's the healthy way. But my pride and heart want the bread crumb so badly. I begin to wonder if I'm missed, and to hear those words...I miss you or I love you lay in the back of my mind. It's hard to think that I could be all but forgotten in a few months. It begins to cause mind games...were the feelings real, did she really L me...but then I go back to...well, this is the right way and the healthy way to the future.... Anyhow...thought i'd share some thoughts. I know I'm not alone in this feeling. Btw...i'm the OM. Single, not married. Hey. If it feels more healthy that way, trust your gut. Hang in there during the tough times. Sometimes what is best does not feel that great at the time. Chin up.
Author zevahc Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Hey. If it feels more healthy that way, trust your gut. Hang in there during the tough times. Sometimes what is best does not feel that great at the time. Chin up. Definitely feels more healthy. There are times the bread crumbs have gotten me through some lows..but all in all I think the NC is healthier long term if things are not going anywhere or going to change. I still think I'm losing something really great..but I'm not going to fight for something that doesn't also choose me.
Sarabi Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I still think I'm losing something really great..but I'm not going to fight for something that doesn't also choose me. This is true. The feeling that you are fighting is exhausting...mentally if she realises what she has lost and would truly love to be with you she will move heaven and earth to come back to you... It really puts you on a downer when you feel like you are putting your all into someone who doesn't want/can't give you the same. ...but instead hopefully someone single, lovely and willing to commit will come along and choose you 1
Author zevahc Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 This is true. The feeling that you are fighting is exhausting...mentally if she realises what she has lost and would truly love to be with you she will move heaven and earth to come back to you... It really puts you on a downer when you feel like you are putting your all into someone who doesn't want/can't give you the same. ...but instead hopefully someone single, lovely and willing to commit will come along and choose you Agreed. And this is the perspective that has taken me so long to reach. And maintaining it constantly is a moment by moment battle. But one that I know allows me some shred of self respect if I can. I've often been worried about hurt feelings more than my own....and I can't...and shouldn't. 3
Clemenza Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I still think I'm losing something really great..but I'm not going to fight for something that doesn't also choose me. Ding ding ding ding ding! Exactly this. I love my xMW, but I'm not going to put my life on hold and put myself in unhealthy situations because she's not choosing to be with me. I'm absolutely done pining and done fighting to be with her. She already knows how I feel and where I stand, and she's making whatever choices she feels she's having to make. She's great to be around, but she's not God's gift to social interaction. There are other great AVAILABLE people out there. Trust me, I've been spending a lot of time with one of those people lately. Doesn't make the love xMW and I had any less real, it's just reality. Keep telling yourself that, man. Why would you want to expend so much energy, most of it unhealthy, on someone who isn't wanting to be with you? Or, rather, who is choosing not to be with you. It seems crazy, doesn't it? Sometimes you just have to accept a situation for what it is, and actively choose happiness. I'm in the midst of dusting myself off and saying "You don't want to choose to be with me? Fine. I'm making a choice, though. I'm choosing to move on with my life and be happy." She's wants to work on her marriage. Great. That's no reflection on me as a person. 1
Author zevahc Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Ding ding ding ding ding! Exactly this. I love my xMW, but I'm not going to put my life on hold and put myself in unhealthy situations because she's not choosing to be with me. I'm absolutely done pining and done fighting to be with her. She already knows how I feel and where I stand, and she's making whatever choices she feels she's having to make. She's great to be around, but she's not God's gift to social interaction. There are other great AVAILABLE people out there. Trust me, I've been spending a lot of time with one of those people lately. Doesn't make the love xMW and I had any less real, it's just reality. Keep telling yourself that, man. Why would you want to expend so much energy, most of it unhealthy, on someone who isn't wanting to be with you? Or, rather, who is choosing not to be with you. It seems crazy, doesn't it? Sometimes you just have to accept a situation for what it is, and actively choose happiness. I'm in the midst of dusting myself off and saying "You don't want to choose to be with me? Fine. I'm making a choice, though. I'm choosing to move on with my life and be happy." She's wants to work on her marriage. Great. That's no reflection on me as a person. I'm giving it heck to cling to this...you and I both know it can be very difficult. Easier some days than others...but I'm constantly reminding myself.
threelaurels Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Doing the right thing is almost never easy, and staying NC is the right thing for you and your health. Imagine all your options as cards in a deck. Take all the cards that involve breaking NC and toss them out of the deck. They are no longer options. You cannot choose them. This technique has helped me a lot in the past when I've struggled with self-control. Staying on the right track is hard, but it gets easier with time and is the best thing in the long run. Even a small break of NC will set you back to where you started, and it just isn't worth it in the end. It may take a while to realize it, but it will eventually sink in. 2
Recommended Posts