KungFuJoe Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I think it's more unusual for a woman but for men it isn't. It is still an outlier to a degree but in London with all the drugs and booze around a lot of guys sleep with many women. Obviously it's nowhere near average but I know a fair number of womanisers and they don't tend to be nice men. Well...admittedly, in MY experience, the only people I know with VERY high numbers (nearing triple digits) have NOT been the most morally sound people. One was a friend and former roommate, and the other is a relative from my wife's side. Although, to be fair, afaik, the girl in question has never cheated on either of the LTR she's been in. Just she has had a lot of guys in between. I dunno...I just think it's best not to worry about someone's sexual past and judge them by what you see in the present. How they treat you and other people is what should matter the most. I mean, you could sit and analyze someone's entire history looking for potential flaws. Parents, friends, schooling, job history, etc. At what point do you stop analyzing?
silvermercy Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Agreed...I don't like it when I see promiscuity associated with low morals, etc. In my experience and opinion, there is ZERO...hell...LESS THAN ZERO correlation between sexual history and character/morals. I can't agree here... Even though I will agree, it's not always the case. However all my experiences with such men have shown me the opposite... By the way, I don't think it's "morals" we should be discussing here. I personally never made it to be about morals actually... For me, it's about RISKS (not about morals): The riskof the inability to commit long-term to a relationship; the risk to dump me easier; the risk to start resenting monogamous life; the risk to become unfaithful; the risk to start throwing to me ideas about swinging, threesomes and strip-clubs after some time together; the risk of STDs; the risk of having differing ideas when it comes to raising kids; the risk to have an offspring knocking on our doors 18 years later... There is also the risk of being reckless in many other areas of his/her life. What I mean by reckless is this: would you invite a random person walking down the street right now into your house for a simple chat and coffee? Would you trust they're not thieves/murderers? If the answer is no, why would you do that with someone you just met in a bar/club etc? In summary, I think it's logical to assume all the above risks are higher with promiscuous people compared to those who choose not to be. 1
Emilia Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 At what point do you stop analyzing? When the man is over 25, under 45 and his number is something like 2< x <25 roughly speaking 1
KungFuJoe Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Well, I dunno about that. He seemed pretty angry when I rejected him and told him our goals and values aren't compatible. I may be one of the most 'conservative' people on LS... but I'm certainly not the most 'conservative' person amongst other people like me in my educational, financial, or age group. By far. If anything, my peers IRL wouldn't even consider a person with his background... of which I haven't shared fully here... granted. It has just been my personal misfortune to currently live in Upstate NY and be divorced... this is what I have to choose from. The crappy demographics have been noted by many here. I'm taking steps to change that though... But I mean you would reject someone like myself for my history (having had casual sex, FWB, and a couple ONS) but I'm an extremely faithful and devoted husband and father of three. Who's to say you don't reject some guy who could have been the "one" just because he had some casual sex in his past?
RedRobin Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 At what point do you stop analyzing? When what they say they want and value is consistently demonstrated in their actions. ... which is what a couple of us said a few pages ago.
RedRobin Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 But I mean you would reject someone like myself for my history (having had casual sex, FWB, and a couple ONS) but I'm an extremely faithful and devoted husband and father of three. Who's to say you don't reject some guy who could have been the "one" just because he had some casual sex in his past? He's not the 'one' if he refuses to get to know me in a non-romantic setting to demonstrate those qualities. As far as I know, YOU are the outlier. No men in my family has your history and they have been married for decades. The ones I know of who have had casual sex, FWB, ONS were the ones who cheated... including my now ex-H... and other people I know in my social circle (men or women).
KungFuJoe Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 He's not the 'one' if he refuses to get to know me in a non-romantic setting to demonstrate those qualities. As far as I know, YOU are the outlier. No men in my family has your history and they have been married for decades. The ones I know of who have had casual sex, FWB, ONS were the ones who cheated... including my now ex-H... and other people I know in my social circle (men or women). So I guess what it comes down to is that it's all based on our own experiences...which is probably true for most things we value and judge in life. Makes sense. I grew up around people and friends who had casual sex and they were still "good" people in my book. The one person who "did me wrong" was my first gf who only had been with one guy before me and was VERY conservative about sex. She turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. 2
KungFuJoe Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 TW... always the diplomat Ok...not to start anything or whatnot, but TW has had casual sex with two different women. Is HE officially off your list now?
Emilia Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Ok...not to start anything or whatnot, but TW has had casual sex with two different women. Is HE officially off your list now? Don't worry treacle you are still on mine 1
Divasu Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 TheWholigan, I understand what you're trying to get at with your thread, but I think you're trying to analyze a problem that doesn't exist. People are NOT getting rejected "left and right" because of their past. Maybe on LS, they are, but not in real life. Excellent point. Some of the arguments I read on here, and engage in, I have NEVER encountered in real life as a 'screening process' when first meeting someone. Fun to 'debate' and all, but... 2
Quiet Storm Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I think the rejected person should be honest. They can explain how they have changed and matured and the other person can decide if they want to proceed. Everyone gets to choose what criteria they use to pick a partner. I get that many people don't feel that this info is relevant, but those opinions have no bearing on an individuals expectations in a mate. I am not a believer of any religion, but I will respect that many use religion as a factor in choosing a partner. My feelings on religion have no bearing on anothers choices and I would never expect them to. I don't think anyone can have true intimacy in a marriage or relationship if there are secrets. If you have done things you know your partner would have an issue with and do not disclose, you are misrepresenting yourself. If there are parts of yourself that you must hide to be accepted by your partner- that is not true intimacy. Ask any marriage or couples counselor- this issue is not uncommon. Many times lies and secrets such as this get exposed later in marriage. Drunken confessions, old aquaintences, forgotten email accounts, homemade videos, the ways they get caught are endless. By that time there is often a family with kids that don't know why daddy no longer believes a word mommy says. Or a wife disgusted by a husband that had a curiousity about "the down low". You get couples that feel trapped into keeping it together for the kids when they never were compatible in the first place. The past is a big deal to many people. If it doesn't matter to you, find someone that feels the same. I empathize with those that get rejected for this, but lying is not the answer. Those that lie and have it blow up years later are not victims of a spouses insecurity, they are paying the consequences for their own dishonesty. The real victims are the kids whose homes are forever changed. We don't get to dictate what matters to our partners. Don't assume that the truth will never come out or that time heals all wounds. Uncovering a decades old lie can negate years of a seemingly great marriage. Your spouse will feel betrayed and defrauded, and what seemed inconsequential can totally change the course of your life. 2
Author ThaWholigan Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Ok. Here is my own solution: I have a variety of things that people can and do reject me for and I accept that - even though it means that finding a GF will be extremely difficult for me. Perhaps where it differs is that they aren't things I can lie about if I wanted to . Regarding my sexual history - as KFJ pointed out, I have indeed started out by having casual relationships in the last year. So I have the added combo of being a late bloomer with only casual sex as experience. Fortunately for me, my sexual history will not be a problem where I live and I'm sure that, as KFJ also pointed out, this problem is magnified on LS mostly. Like I said, I got a little tired of some of the sh-t I was reading . How do I deal? I accept and I get on with it. I embrace the fact that it will be difficult. Its your prerogative to keep it private. Granted you're unlikely to run into someone whoi cares depending on your demographic. I'd just be honest about something that would be a dealbreaker - I can take a rejection, I've spent years learning how to . So I say you try to understand the difficulty and persevere until you find someone who doesn't care hopefully. Don't get too down if the past gets in the way. In the end, its all moot point seeing as nobody gets why I made this thread anyway
ChessPieceFace Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 - Cheaters deserve the stigma they get. I have no solution for them nor would I offer them one if I had it. - Virgins who are rejected for being virgins, are better off not being with the person that rejected them, should move on and not let it bother them. Easy.
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