mmiller5373 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 So to sum it all up... 1.5 years together, both of us are 27 y/o, long distance (2.5 hours apart) and she broke up with me about 2 months ago because things weren't right in the relationship. I totally agreed with the breakup because things weren't right. It was mostly because of disagreements. We both weren't sure what we wanted anymore. So, we both said we love each other, but it was best to move on and if God wanted us together, it would happen. It's now time for us to work on ourselves. A month ago, we unexpectedly ran into each other at an awards ceremony. I showed up with a female co-worker. My ex apparently volunteered to help the organizers of the show. My ex sees me with the co-worker. I say hi and she is very hostile towards me. She seems angry. We talk again later that night and turns out she has been watching my twitter feed to see what I have been up to. She says she isn't happy about all the bars and clubs I've been going to. She also asks if I'm dating the female co-worker (I'm not). We keep talking and come to an understanding. We discuss how our feelings are still there and how much we miss each other, but we agree to stay apart. I tell her that I'm working on my problems and she says the same about her problems. 2 weeks ago, I reached out to her to see how she was doing. We talked and things seemed to be heading in a positive direction. She tells me to buy a Christian relationship book she is reading. A few days ago, I heard that she was moving, so I decided to send her a text and ask if she wanted to meet up. She says no because she has plans with her friends. She said maybe another time. The next day, I texted her again about meeting up and we decided to talk on the phone. Things were really heading in a positive direction and she even said she wanted to see me in person. We set up a day to talk. Then she goes, "I have to tell you something. Wait... nevermind." She says that a few times so I finally have to tell her, "just tell me what you have to tell me." She tells me that she hung out with friends the night before. They went to a club and she had a few drinks. She says she started dancing with one of her girlfriend's guy friends. He kissed her and they made out. But she stopped it after a few minutes because she felt it wasn't right. She said she missed my kisses. She said that's when she noticed I had texted her. Next, she asks me if I have kissed any girls since we have been broken up. I tell her the truth, yes, I kissed a girl a few weeks ago, but it lasted about 5 seconds because I realized it wasn't right. And it made me realize how much I missed my ex. My ex flips out about the kiss. Says that I'm a liar and that this is just proof that we are not meant to be together. She says that she wanted me to be honest and wanted me to tell her about the kiss as soon as it happened, not weeks later. She says the relationship is completely over and that she will not respond to my texts or phone calls anymore. Says goodbye forever and ends the conversation. I sent her texts that day and the day after, but no response. I just don't get it. Why is it okay for her to make out with a guy, but not okay for me to kiss a girl? Or did she just make it up? What to do?
Legatus Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I would say she's one of those people who have "double standards". I lived with a person that could do whatever she wanted but when I did them - there we went, another argument. I don't know if that's how it's been in your relationship but definitely it is now. She kissed someone, you did too. You had no obligation to tell her that straight away as you weren't together. I think it was her pride that you tried to move on quicker than her. Perhaps she was just hurt and still had feelings for you but it does look like a good amount of pride to me. If she wanted honesty from you I guess she should have done the same and say what she is really upset about, not flip out on you and cease all contact whatsoever... But as you said, if you're meant to be together, you will be. So focus on yourself and try to move on. Don't hope but make peace with the fact that it's over 1
Author mmiller5373 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 You are absolutely right. She is allowed to drink and hang out with guys, but if I drink and/or hang out with girls, it's wrong and she thinks I'm probably cheating. She was cheated on by her very first boyfriend. They dated 3 years and apparently he had another girlfriend in another state the entire time. Her father also cheated on her mom. She definitely has trust issues. There were two occasions during our time together that I went out with a group of friends to drink and I lied about it to her. She ended up finding out about the nights from someone else, so she always uses those lies against me saying that if I lied about that, I probably lie about cheating.
Legatus Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Double standards is not the way to live, or be in the relationship. I can't believe that I allowed my ex to do it to me. Can you imagine that the one moment that led to break up of our 1.5 year relationship was the fact that she thought I was dancing with someone? Only dancing! Ha ha! The thing is I was on the dancefloor, but never touched another human being (which her sister, who saw me, could confirm). But she was out every weekend (we lived together but she worked in another city and stayed with sisters, so we saw each other few days every fortnight) and I never knew with whom, or what she was doing there. Of course later it turned out that was just an excuse to dump me. But the reality was I couldn't do what she was doing which I was fine with until I wanted to do it and got an argument because of it. Her cards are wide open now. You didn't lose anything. You did wrong lying to her, I admit, but I hope you will learn from it. If she had trust issues she should talk about them with you and most of all - she should understand that her behaviour didn't exactly make you trust her a lot. She didn't. So to summarize you are definitely better without her. I hate double standards!
aloneinaz Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 So, wait a minute. She broke up with you, you were single and kissed another girl and she got made and wrote you off? Hummm.... Sounds like someone you'd want to stay clear from. OMG, imagine if you were married to this person? Talk about double standards. My ex would be stressed, annoyed or angry and would talk out of her ass to anyone around. OMG, nobody better EVER talk to her that way.. Nutt job, plain and simple.
Talulah Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 She's mad that you didn't tell her right away? But neother did she. Most girls/women can't handle being told the truth. Sounds like she has some growing up to do.
Author mmiller5373 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Talulah, I honestly don't get it. Maybe some women on this board can help me out with this one. Anybody have any solutions to this? I truly wanted to work through our problems and try to make things work. But now, it seems she just wants to end it completely. Anything to do?
Talulah Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I've done something similar to someone and the main reason why I did it was because I was trying to be a b****. Just to see if I had control over someone. Like, how dare you do this to me? just a way to end it.
Author mmiller5373 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 That could be it. I still can't process it though.
Pisces13 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I just don't get it. Why is it okay for her to make out with a guy, but not okay for me to kiss a girl? Or did she just make it up? I got the exact same thing from my ex back when we were in contact. She told me she had sex with another guy about a month after we broke up, I was fine with it because I expected she would see other guys or whatever after we broke up, but when I told her how I made out with this girl I went out with one night, she lost her mind. This is EXACTLY why you MUST go no contact and STAY in it. She doesn't get to be upset when you hook up or go out with other girls. She lost that right when she broke up with you. She sounds pretty immature to be honest, and you're probably a lot better off without her. Direct your time and effort towards some one who actually appreciates it.
Author mmiller5373 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Figured I would post the message I sent her on Friday. This was the last message I sent her. Thoughts for a final farewell? "I tried everything to prove that I love you and that I want to work things out, but you are not on the same level as me. I understand why you are upset and I understand why you ended the relationship. Things were not right. But I was willing to work on this relationship, because I felt it was worth salvaging. You are worth it to me. But I'm tired, _____. You just are not happy with me. You don't see that I'm trying to make this work. You don't see me as a good man. You think that I cheated on you, when I didn't. You make me feel like a terrible person. You need to realize that this relationship failed because of you too. You are not perfect. I don't understand why it's okay for you to make out with a guy on a dance floor, but it's not okay for me to kiss a girl for 5 seconds. It hurts me to know you kissed another man, but we are broken up, so I understand. You are making me feel like a terrible person and that isn't right. I know who I am. I make mistakes, but I am a good, Christian man who loves Jesus. Kissing that girl made me realize how much I love you. Every time I kissed you it was like our first kiss all over again. But now, you just see yourself as better than me and that isn't right. You ended this relationship. This is what you want. It's not what I wanted. But I promise you, I will respect you and honor you like the man at church told me. Forget about meeting up. You will not hear from me again. Just know that I love you and am always praying for you. I'm proud of the woman you've become and I know that God has big plans for you. I love you, ______. I really do. I'm here if you ever need anything. Love, ____________
Simon Phoenix Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I did. Why? Is it bad? Yes. All letters are bad, but that was way too long, not to mention clingy, melodramatic, corny, unnecessary, and you tried to make yourself out as a victim. Your ex will probably shake her head at it and dismiss it, if she even reads it.
Author mmiller5373 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 I don't think it was melodramatic. It was honest. That's what she wanted in the relationship.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I don't think it was melodramatic. It was honest. That's what she wanted in the relationship. I cringed when reading it. Then again, probably 95% of letters written to exes are cringeworthy. I wrote one to mine which I never sent to her. It'd probably make most cringe on here as well. It's just bad to send letters to exes in general. Writing them for yourself can be therapeutic, but sending them is bad. 2
Author mmiller5373 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Well, honestly. No, it hasn't given me closure. You know what's funny is that during our last few months together I wasn't even happy. There were times when I thought about breaking up with her and finding someone else. But now that we have been broken up about 2 months, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her the last two weeks. 1
Author mmiller5373 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 What I don't understand is how on Thursday she can tell me she has been dreaming about me and that she knows she is meant to be with me... to all of a sudden -- she is done with me.
Salvatore85 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 What I don't understand is how on Thursday she can tell me she has been dreaming about me and that she knows she is meant to be with me... to all of a sudden -- she is done with me. My ex of 5 years did the exact same thing to me when we broke up in February. She claimed she couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, missed me blah blah blah. All I can tell you is three weeks later she started sleeping with a guy who was a friend of mine. The reality is she wants to go do her own thing with whomever she wants but wants to know that you're there waiting if she up and decides to change her mind so she is going to do whatever she can to drag you along. The best thing you can do is the absolute opposite of what I did. Don't make yourself available to her anymore, spend time doing things that make you happy. All you need to tell yourself is she dumped you, she doesn't believe you're worth it but there is definitely someone out there who does and will be damn happy she made this mistake. Good luck and stay strong. 1
Author mmiller5373 Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 My ex of 5 years did the exact same thing to me when we broke up in February. She claimed she couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, missed me blah blah blah. All I can tell you is three weeks later she started sleeping with a guy who was a friend of mine. The reality is she wants to go do her own thing with whomever she wants but wants to know that you're there waiting if she up and decides to change her mind so she is going to do whatever she can to drag you along. The best thing you can do is the absolute opposite of what I did. Don't make yourself available to her anymore, spend time doing things that make you happy. All you need to tell yourself is she dumped you, she doesn't believe you're worth it but there is definitely someone out there who does and will be damn happy she made this mistake. Good luck and stay strong. Yeah. You know what the hardest part for me is? I know all of this. I've been here before. My ex-ex-girlfriend broke up with me during a tough time in my life. I freaked out. She dragged me along for months, only to get knocked up by another guy. I was even more crushed then. I went NC. 2 years later, I heard from her and she told me she made a huge mistake breaking up with me. I told her, no you didn't, you did me a favor. We are actually pretty good friends now. Here we are again. Another breakup about 3 years later. Seems so familiar to me. 1
Salvatore85 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Yeah. You know what the hardest part for me is? I know all of this. I've been here before. My ex-ex-girlfriend broke up with me during a tough time in my life. I freaked out. She dragged me along for months, only to get knocked up by another guy. I was even more crushed then. I went NC. 2 years later, I heard from her and she told me she made a huge mistake breaking up with me. I told her, no you didn't, you did me a favor. We are actually pretty good friends now. Here we are again. Another breakup about 3 years later. Seems so familiar to me. It's pretty crazy when you actually think about what we put ourselves through. We broke up for 6 months one time before and all I wanted was to get her back and when I did it was great again, for a few months. Then she started to blame me for everything, things I had absolutely no control over. The reality was we just weren't meant to be together. The pain sucks and you obviously know that all too well but you also know that you will find someone else, that is a guarantee.
Author mmiller5373 Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 There's nothing to understand. Actions vs words. They can say whatever they like, but what they do, and how they act, is what you should listen to. If she wanted to be with you, then she would. She would not talk about it, and then behave contadictory to that talk. Actions, not words. Damn straight. 8 days of no contact on my end. Stupidly, I looked at her twitter feed about 4 days ago. I won't make that mistake again. I'm feeling a lot better now that I'm no contact. Not knowing what she is doing and/or saying helps out a lot. 1
lessica Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 In all honesty... try not to hold this one against her too much. I can 100% say that I have this double standard, this kind of thing really hurts me. Would gut me. If I were to do it, I would understand it was meaningless, and my ex would believe him if I told him it was meaningless. On the other hand, if he were to be with someone, the one thought that haunts me right now, I would analyze it and come to the most tragic conclusions. I obviously am very insecure somewhere, and this is a trigger for it. It is immature of me, and I perhaps need to work on this a great deal. I would say it is insecurity, or ego. If you can conclude that it is just her ego, she needs to grow up. If it is a result of insecurities, I would just try to reassure her, eventually she will listen.
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