Coworker

[Sallygirl]

Hi everyone. My name is Sally and this is my first post here. I'm having a hard time working through the end of a relationship (if that's what you call this).

 

I've worked for 6 years with the guy I've been seeing. We started talking regularly through facebook chat in December, but I still thought it was just friendly chitchat. This guy was honestly never on my radar as someone I would be interested in. He is a little over 8 years older than me. Long story short we started hanging out a lot in March, it has ended badly and I need some objective opinions to help me process, know next steps, and move on.

 

When I first started hanging out with him, I thought he had been divorced for years. About 2 weeks in, he told me that he was currently going through a divorce and that he was 3 kids (16,13,4). I was shocked, but decided to still hang out with him since I assumed his divorce was moving along.

 

When we would hang out, We wouldn't ever meet until between 8 and 10 (he said it was because of his kids activities) and would just hang out at a restaurant bar and laugh and talk until they closed. In April, we became intimate for the first time, and it has been the best sex of my life. To be fair to him he did tell me before we had sex that he thought That at this time I wanted more from this than he did. I decided to have sex with him anyway, which is the first time in my life I've had sex outside of a relationship.

 

Right after we had sex in April, I left the country for 2 weeks for a business trip. While there he checked himself in somewhere on facebook, to which a girl commented "great day". I knew then and there that he was seeing her too. I looked at her facebook page and could tell that they had probably been hanging out since at least the beginning of November,which was about a month and a half to two months before he reached out to me. I couldn't believe it. I know that you should always assume that when you are casually dating someone that the are seeing other people too. Its just that since he isn't even divorced yet, the thought didn't cross my mind. I thought he just initiated something with me because he liked me.

 

I never said anything, and the entire time I was out if the country, he didn't write me, although he did like pics I was posting on facebook. That hurt my feelings too. As soon as I was back in the country, he wrote again, and we started hanging out again. It really bothered me that he didn't write me, so after we hd sex again, I told him we could be friends and hang out, but no more sex. He said he understood,and he would take hanging out as friends over not hanging out at all.

 

The next time we hung out was by far the best night we had. I've never laughed so hard in my life. Unfortunately we got wasted and ended up coming back to my place and had sex. Two days later he left a rose on my car. When i asked him why, he said it was because he knew I thought it was all about sex for him, and he wanted it prove to me that it isn't. We continued hanging out, and continued to have sex.

 

A few days later, I told him that I am starting to have real feelings for him and that it is too hard on me to continue with this. I wanted to see him on the weekends and do things besides hang out at a restaurant bar. It bothered me I still didn't have his phone number and that I didn't hear from him except on days we were getting together. He said he understood and was bummed. He actually started to cry and had to go to the bathroom. When he came back, he said that I would start hearing from him, I'll see him on the weekends, and we would take off that Monday and go golfing. And he followed through on all of these things. I was really happy.

 

We started spending at least three nights a week together, got together on the weekends, and i heard from him on nights we weren't getting together. He truly listed to everything i said. it felt great. One friday night we were out and his phone starts ringing off the hook. A girls picture pops up, and I know immediately its the girl he was hanging out with when I was out of the country. She called 6 times in a row every 30 seconds. I told him he could answer it, and he said he didn't want to. I asked who she was and why she was blowing up his phone and he said she is dating one of his friends and they are arguing and he is stuck in the middle. I knew then he was lying, but let it go. he came back to my house, we had sex, and he spent the night. The next morning we laid there for 3 hours talking about everything. He told me so much. I've literally never felt closer to anyone. (keep in mind, I've had a 5 year and a 6 year relationship in the past). I also asked if he thought it was still true that I wanted more out of this than he did, and he said no, he really liked me too. During this conversation, however, he kept saying how much of a mess his life is right now, and the it came out that he and his wife haven't even filed paperwork for the divorce yet. WTF????

 

The following Monday we both call take a sick day from work to go golfing. we get wasted. when he was getting ready to leave my house that night, I ask him if he is going to see his other girlfriend. He pulls away from the hug and asks why i would say that. i said because I knew he was lying about why that girl was blowing up his phone. he said I was right, he lied because he didn't know what to say at that moment and that they had a history together. I said, you should have told me the truth. Get out. And then I cried in front of him,which i hated more than anything. A few days later we ran into each other at work, which was really awkward and weird. I hated that so I reached out saying I hope we can have things not be weird at work. He replied how happy he was to see me and that it wont be weird for him.

 

We ended up talking as we were leaving work that day and he said how much he liked me, and that although him and that other girl had been on dates, it wasn't recently and that all of his free time had been spent with me and his kids. I believed him because he was spending three nights a week at my house the last few weeks. He said that life is funny because he had no idea that first time he asked me to hang out how much he would like me and how fast things would move between the two of us. He said he could absolutely see us going the distance, but his life is such a mess right now, he needed to work through things. I told him I understood. I really feel in my heart, as crazy as it sounds, thought that even with his messed up situation that he could be the one for me.

 

The next Tuesday we hang out and he comes back to my place. Before we have sex, he says that he wants to make sure I'm not using him for sex. WTF kind of mind game is that? He spends the night again. The next day, it hit me that I want a boyfriend and everything that comes with that, and that I realize that right now he cannot be that for me. So, I send him a message saying that late Wednesday night. He reads it immediately, but doesn't respond until the next day at lunch. He replied that he hasn't been fair to me, and that I'm such a great girl and friend, and always will be but because of his current situation he couldn't give me want I wanted right now and can't be there full time for anyone. He said if and when I was ready we could go to happy hour we could anytime I wanted since we were pretty good at that. I felt so much relief and so good that we could remain friends, especially since we work together. I knew that happy hour wasn't happening anytime soon, but knowing it could in the future made me happy.

 

Here is where the story takes a turn. That very same night I go to a local baseball game and he is there with that other girl holding hands. I behaved that night like I never have and feel horrible about it. I was just so shocked. After the game I confronted him, after he was finished making out with her in her car, he of course was shocked to see me, and I said something really personal about the way we had sex to the other girl. She just drove off. I feel bad about that because none of this is her fault and I don't think she knew I existed until that night. He kept saying he never promised anyone anything and that he doesn't understand why everyone is mad at him. I told him he is correct, but he lied to me numerous times, and I'm glad she got to go do fun things with him and the she had his phone number. I said maybe i should send his wife all of our facebook messages from the last 6 months (i was just angry, i of course would never do this). I told him I've never felt so used in my life and he said he thinks its the other way around (theres that weird comment again). I told him he was disgusting, that I think he is going through a mid life crisis (to which he said maybe I am) and that I hated him. I told him I knew he was lying that night and he said, "we'll,what kind of person does that make you that you still let me come back to your place and sleep with you". Now that was hurtful. After I told him I hated him, I told him to have a nice life and drove away.

 

That was three weeks ago. I know he is still hanging out with this other girl (who by the way is his age, also divorced, also has three kids, so I think they have a lot in common). I immediately deleted him from facebook, and have initiated no contact with him until this past Wednesday when he came into my work area. He had a work related reason to be there, but he knew I was leaving for the day in about 20 minutes, and he works an hour later than I do. He. Easily could have waited those 20 minutes and come in when I was gone for the day. Instead he wanted to chit chat about my vacation like we would have when we were just friends. He acted like absolutely nothing bad had happened between the two of us. No one else except us was in the work area at that time. Talking to him has set my recovery back quite a bit.

 

Ok...I know this post is forever long, and if you made it through, I really appreciate it. Here is a summary of my questions:

 

1. Why do you think he reached out to me when he's not yet divorced and he is already seeing this other lady? He can't like this other girl too much if he reached out to me after he he was already seeing her, right? Just like he doesnt like me enough to stay away from her.

 

2. Why did he not let me walk away the numerous times I've tried.

 

3. For the life of me I cannot figure out why I feel more upset about this guy after 6 months than I did after my long term (5 and 6 year) relationships ended.

 

4. Do you think I owe him an apology for the way I behaved after the game when I saw them together? I hate the way I behaved and have never done such a thing before.

 

5. I want to believe he is a better guy than how he is behaving right now. If you ask anyone that knows him, they will tell you what a great guy he is. Do you think there is any chance for us to have a shot someday when he works through all of his chaos? Or, is this one I should just leave behind and get all thoughts of a reconciliation out of my head.

 

6. Why do you think he came into my work area on Wednesday while I was there? He knew at that time I would be the only one in that area.

 

7. How could he act so casual when he did come in? Is it because he is not hurt at all by this?. Because he still has the other girl?

 

8. How is NC supposed to work if he approaches me at work?

 

Again, thanks so much for reading this, and I appreciate any feedback you can give!

[Sallygirl]

Anybody out there have advice??

[Own Worst Enemy]

And eat it

 

And make trifle out of it too

 

Who the hell does he think he is, stringing 3 women along like that? I am so mad with him, and I don't even know you!

 

I'm so sorry. He sounds like a total selfish loser.

[Sallygirl]

Thank you so much for the response. I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate it.

 

I feel like such a fool.

 

And I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I'm so upset about everything still. And it kills me to know he is still hanging out with this other girl having fun, while I feel used and heartbroken.

[GG3]

This could easily have been my ex that I started dating years ago. Also a coworker. I'm going to answer the questions as though it's him....

 

(1) Because he just went through a divorce he wants to play the field. He wants to have fun.

 

(2) Could be a lot of reasons. Maybe he wants to be the "nice" guy. Maybe he is afraid of what you might tell people at work. Maybe he likes the sex. Maybe he wants to keep you as an option instead of let you go but not really commit...so he keeps reeling you back.

 

(3) Maybe you feel this way because of the drama of it? The emotions are more intense because of what he is doing? You got attached to him for whatever reason.

 

(4) Heck no! Technically he is not your boyfriend right? So he CAN date other people. But...it sounds like you were spending quite a bit of time with him and you thought it was developing into something. I think you had every right to be upset to see him there with someone else.

 

(5) I think if you want to be in a relationship with him you will have to stop giving him sex or anything "good." No hanging out and doing fun things together. Make him work for it. He's just trying to have his cake and eat it too.

 

(6) To see you. Once again...reeling you back in.

 

(7) My guess he is just trying to act stoic. But the fact that he came in there shows his hand. "Curiosity killed the cat."

 

(8) Easy. Been there done that. Talk monotonely when you see him. Be cordial. Don't smile or make friendly conversation. But don't mad or anything either. Boy that cold shoulder really bugs the heck out of them. Then he'll be wondering "Gosh it must not bother her at all? wtf."

[darkmoon]

just don't take him seriously he's a player he knows how to say "he never promised anyone anything" so just leave it and look for a man who wants what you do, monogamy, or play with this guy, but don't get hurt stop any sex if you think you will get hurt, dumped or just not loved, so far he's not been loving, so I'd leave him, my 2 cents

[Sallygirl]

Thank you so much GG3 and dark moon. Your responses mean more than you know.

 

He was so super pissed at me when I confronted him, it's hard for me to believe that 3 weeks later he's curious enough and/or wants to see me enough that he came into my work area. That seems so strange to me, especially since he is still seeing the other girl, AND has still not filed for divorce. I almost wonder if it was to hurt me.

 

I feel crazy for even entertaining the possibility of us having a shot of something in the future, but I have never in my life had a connection with anyone like I had with him.

 

All of this really blows my mind. If you would have asked me at the beginning of this if it would turn out this way, I wouldn't have believed it for a second.

[Sallygirl]

GG3, I forgot to ask you. How long did it take to become no longer horrible when you saw him at work? I'll always act professional, but I feel sick to my stomach when I see him now. I absolutely hate this feeling.

[GG3]

I worked in a different part of the office so I didn't have to deal with it too much. But when the occasionally entire office meeting occurred it sucked. He was a really insecure person so he would always try to speak to me in some way and I would say hello and act avoidant which drove him crazy. I can't remember when it all stopped? Months?

 

I agree with dark moon, he's a player. That's why he's "mad" at you and then comes back curious later. It's all part of the game he's playing and nothing is ever his fault. Have seen it all before unfortunately. LOL.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

So sorry for you.

 

He is a player.

 

He is making nice so you don't call HR on him.

 

There is no future with him. Because which guy exactly is the "real" guy? The sweet funny one you met? The one who lied and told you he was in the process of divorcing? The one who lied and told you his girlfriend was a gf of a friend? The one who upon seeing you in public basically calls you a whore? Which one is the real one?

[Sallygirl]

I haven't seen it all before which I guess is why it's so confusing to me. I'm so glad to have the perspective of someone who has been there and done that.

 

Itiswhatitis: you are right. I guess I've only known how he is as a friend, and he is clearly completely different in his personal relationships. I just was hoping he was just misbehaving due to his current circumstances. I'm sure what he is going through isn't easy.

 

But this is what I do. I tend to make excuses for him. I just thought that our friendship meant more to him then he showed by using me. Why not some random girl, or even one that meant less to him. Or maybe I am that girl and our friendship didn't mean as much to him as I thought it did.

 

I'm also upset that I have inadvertently become the other woman in someone's marriage since he hasn't even filed for divorce yet. This breaks my heart and is a blow to my self esteem and character.

 

I wish I could just shut off my feelings. I wish I could rewind time. And I wish more than anything that I could get the image of the two of them out of my head and that didn't have to see him at work.

 

I am such an idiot.

[darkmoon]

date others, or just go out more, to take your mind off things

 

there are plenty better guys out there, I see the caring ones asking for help about love on loveshack, men are capable of caring a lot, you see but I don't think he will be okay seeing you date others (lil revenge then)

 

if you feel like an idiot for trusting him (who was/is a good actor) I don't think he will feel too clever at losing you, expect a few angry looks, even though you are not on the same page

 

just be workmanlike in your job, a day at work is not a date

Edited July 8, 2013 by darkmoon

[Sallygirl]

date others, or just go out more, to take your mind off things

 

there are plenty better guys out there, I see the caring ones asking for help about love on loveshack, men are capable of caring a lot, you see but I don't think he will be okay seeing you date others (lil revenge then)

 

if you feel like an idiot for trusting him (who was/is a good actor) I don't think he will feel too clever at losing you, expect a few angry looks, even though you are not on the same page

 

just be workmanlike in your job, a day at work is not a date

 

The thing is, I'm not sure he cares if I date anyone else. I agree, he's a player. He not only has a wife and that other girl, for all I know he probably also has more. Knowing all of this, I'm curious as to why you think he won't be ok with me dating someone else. I know no one knows for sure, tout that would make me a little happy if it bothered him.

 

I do think he probably misses our friendship....

 

It's funny to me, because I think the outcome would have been the same either way. I really do want a boyfriend and he really is in no position to be that for me anytime soon. I do want to be married and have kids, and I don't have all of the time in the world to wait for him t get his **** together.

 

I'm usually such a rational girl, which is why I don't understand why my brain is going so crazy/won't stop thinking about him. I know he's bad news (at least right now). He's a mess financially too, which is actually also a really big deal to me, because I'm really good with my money. I'm even currently building a house, while his current one that the wife and kid are living in is going through foreclosure. I also know he declared bankruptcy about 7 years ago now, and his wife did the same about 15 years ago (they were married during both).

[darkmoon]

The thing is, I'm not sure he cares if I date anyone else. I agree, he's a player. He not only has a wife and that other girl, for all I know he probably also has more. Knowing all of this, I'm curious as to why you think he won't be ok with me dating someone else. I know no one knows for sure, tout that would make me a little happy if it bothered him.

 

I do think he probably misses our friendship....

 

It's funny to me, because I think the outcome would have been the same either way. I really do want a boyfriend and he really is in no position to be that for me anytime soon. I do want to be married and have kids, and I don't have all of the time in the world to wait for him t get his **** together.

 

I'm usually such a rational girl, which is why I don't understand why my brain is going so crazy/won't stop thinking about him. I know he's bad news (at least right now). He's a mess financially too, which is actually also a really big deal to me, because I'm really good with my money. I'm even currently building a house, while his current one that the wife and kid are living in is going through foreclosure. I also know he declared bankruptcy about 7 years ago now, and his wife did the same about 15 years ago (they were married during both).

 

friendship is okay but do you mean a bond never to be broken or pleasantness while you both work together?

 

he might just be jealous, I do not know why you think he will change, he has not said he will

 

I have nothing else that to say on the subject atmo

Edited July 8, 2013 by darkmoon

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Sally,

 

We all do things that are dumb. Some of the best lessons come from those experiences. It's how you recover that matters.

 

I read someplace that when someone breaks up (leaves whatever)with you your body releases chemicals that feel like love.

 

So then, your thoughts about him are chemical and not real (maybe) so just ride it out.

 

I think an apology to the current wife would be good. Now, it is true that she may know all about his ways and be OK with it, but if every married person who tells his AP that was telling the truth we would not have the number of spouses who were blindsided. Doesn't really matter though, tell her you are sorry. He told you he was in the process of divorce and you realize he was lying. To you, and maybe to woman XX. Give her a way to contact you if she wants to know more.

 

Tell POSMM that he is to never speak to you again. Work only and via email if at all possible. He's a charming guy. Don't let him back in. What he said and did is not ok. I don't know how you had polite chit chat with a guy that implied you were a slut?

 

Go to HR and tell them what happened and that you have asked for NC as much as is possible. You probably also have an employee assistance program that will pay for a couple of IC visits.

 

Maybe have some new rules..

 

Don't date people that you work with or at least not ones you have to see daily.

 

Don't date someone until divorce is final, and ask outright.

 

If a guy you slept with implies you are slutty for doing so, kick him in the nuts. (Ok, so people will say violence is not the answer, but in that particular confluence of events any consequences would be worth it )

 

Keep your head up and don't talk to him!

[Poonam]

OMG this guy has just been taking advantage of u n there other girl........

 

If I was u I wud quit that job ASAP.... becoz luking at him and working in that place will bring back all of this....

 

don't be stupid and dont let people make a fool of u.....

 

He wants to have a nice family keep his kids & wife happy....

 

Also I have made a call to his wife telling her how ****ed up her marriage was without revealing my identity....

 

Take care Sally .... don't be fooled .... u deserve a better committed relationship.. patience is the key and time is the best healer.....

[imtooconfused]

To answer one of your questions "Why did he chit-chat with you?" He knows you've been cold to him and he is curious about how PO'ed you really are. He knows he can't contact you on FB or email or text and he knows he has you trapped in your work environment.

 

Be civil but at the same time be resolute. Next time tell him that you have a lot of work to do and you need to focus on what you are doing.

[Babolat]

I have to be honest with you, all of the "getting wasted" comments are a red flag to me. You get weasted, have sex, and then....

 

Why so much alcohol? How old are you two and why do you get wasted so much? Sure, it reduces inhibitions, but really? I have been there, which is whay I "see" this....

[Sallygirl]

Thanks again for the feedback.

 

Itiswhatitis: I really like the chemical explanation. A lot. So thanks for telling me that. I'm not sure why though, I would go to HR. I don't think he's crossed any line, and I really don't think he will. I'm curious why you suggested this, and if I'm missing something.

 

Poonam: Thanks to you also. Although I really can't and don't want to quit my job. It's a really good one.

 

Imtooconfused: so true. I really appreciate the advice on what to do next time because I'm kicking myself because I think I acted too nice to him! Gave him too much info when when he asked about vacation. And of course today he avoided my worm area again. Probably because now he has his answer, or at least thinks he does. He probably thinks that I'm either not mad, or still want something with him since I was so nice. Damn it!

 

Babolat: Because that's what we did. We met at a restaurant bar and drank. I think he is enjoying his freedom, as he mentioned highs wife nagged him if he even had one beer. Btw, I am 35, he is 43.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

The order of advice was to tell POSMM that you want NC as much as possible, then to go to HR and inform them of the situation and that you are attempting NC.

 

Of course depending on your companies fraternization policies (my company is ok as long as there is no manager/employee relationship). You might also be in trouble.

 

But it allows them to know that there is a potential situation, you can always wait to see if he respects your NC instruction.

[Sallygirl]

Oh, I understand what you mean now. We are in different departments, so it's not a big deal at my company if we date.

 

I haven't told him I've instituted a NC, I'm just doing it!

[GG3]

Just my two cents...I vote against going to HR. As long as he isn't bothering you at work all that is going to do is create drama and managers don't like that.