ChatroomHero Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I think everyone does it. I only imagine many women do it because men did it to them previously. It definitely goes both ways but I think it is mainly women due to the fact that I bet 90%+ of the time in the initial stages the man has to pursue and make initial contacts and show initial interest. The women gets calls and texts and answers then, agrees to dates...but if she changes her mind just stops or changes to short answers. At that point the woman was already not initiating contact so it's not like she is going to initiate contact to dump someone. I recently had a 37 year old do this. She had a great job, seemed extremely nice and normal, we talked like friends, then just started sending the 1 word responses. I know I outgrew the whole lack of courtesy and respect in dating a long time ago but apparently some people do it their entire life.
KatZee Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 What you just went through isn't uncommon at all. "There's a term for when people stop calling. It's called dating." I call this "ghosting" or "The Casper Effect" and my friends refer to it as "Taking a shower." Because someone will say, "I'm going to take a shower" and then they never speak to you again. The reason that anyone, male or female, breaks up with another by pulling the disappearing act is because they are cowardly and lack common courtesy. Many are too cowardly to have a simple truthful conversation: "We're not right for each other" or "I don't feel any connection" or "This is not what I'm looking for." Many these days have the manners of a barbarian. If someone ghosts on you, you're better off. If you ghost on someone, they're better off. This ghost effect actually just happened to me after 5 weeks of dating. It was all positive, going in the direction of being something, I go to have the "talk" to state my needs, and poof! Gone. Don't keep chasing after this one. You've tried to message twice since and no response. Balls in her court, but honestly do you want someone who thinks it's OK to be so cowardly to keep you guessing and insecure as to what's going on?
KatZee Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I think it's very poor behavior. I mostly hear it happening from girls. Causes include insecurity, slyness, lack of maturity. This is most definitely not just a female thing. Guys do this ALL THE TIME. Based on my experience, my friend's dating experience. This is what guys do. They ghost. Whether it be from the ease of technology or the fact that most people these days have no incentive to settle down with just one person, ghosting is pretty much what's going to happen the more you date.
ChatroomHero Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 This is most definitely not just a female thing. Guys do this ALL THE TIME. Based on my experience, my friend's dating experience. This is what guys do. They ghost. Whether it be from the ease of technology or the fact that most people these days have no incentive to settle down with just one person, ghosting is pretty much what's going to happen the more you date. It's kind of sad but more and more with technology I am getting to the point that as soon as a little bit of potential ghosting creeps in to a relationship, it's over. I think it's easier to pick up the "first signs of distress" with instant communication. It's getting pretty predictable. I am at the point where if I text or leave a voicemail and ask a question like, "what days are you free this week?" if I don't have a response by the end of the night, it's a good sign of low interest. If she responded more than a few hours later with anything other than a specific date and time she was free, I think I would just walk away. 15 or so years ago it was more difficult to get back to someone...couldn't use the office phone, texting was expensive and not everyone could...but now it is so easy to answer, it has become really easy to tell by people's response time their level of interest. I would put money on the fact that communication response time is always a direct correlation to interest DESPITE any factors like schedules, responsibilities, family issues etc., other than legit emergencies. It's one thing to not have time to make plans, it is another thing entirely to not have time to communicate/show the ongoing interest to make plans at some point fairly rapidly with the available technology. 1
Eddie Edirol Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 15 or so years ago it was more difficult to get back to someone...couldn't use the office phone, texting was expensive and not everyone could...but now it is so easy to answer, it has become really easy to tell by people's response time their level of interest. . 20 years ago, before cell phones it was even harder to keep in contact if you had an active lifestyle where you didnt stay home to get massages. You were forced to leave a message on a machine, otherwise no one knew you called. (Before called id anyway - that was big at one time) Both people actually had to be home to return that call. Now no one leaves voice mails because if someone didnt pick up a cell phone when you call, it looks desperate to leave a voice mail. I hear it constantly. "Oh I never leave voice mails". Shame really. People were always cowards as far as initiating a breakup, and they want to find the least painful way (for them) to do it. And since no one leaves voice mails anymore unless they are "desperate" when dumpees feel neglected, its much easier to avoid them more than ever.
ChatroomHero Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 20 years ago, before cell phones it was even harder to keep in contact if you had an active lifestyle where you didnt stay home to get massages. You were forced to leave a message on a machine, otherwise no one knew you called. (Before called id anyway - that was big at one time) Both people actually had to be home to return that call. Now no one leaves voice mails because if someone didnt pick up a cell phone when you call, it looks desperate to leave a voice mail. I hear it constantly. "Oh I never leave voice mails". Shame really. People were always cowards as far as initiating a breakup, and they want to find the least painful way (for them) to do it. And since no one leaves voice mails anymore unless they are "desperate" when dumpees feel neglected, its much easier to avoid them more than ever. Absolutely. It is almost passive aggressive to indicate you are interested in another date by saying so and doing the dumping through an intricate web of lies and deceit by last minute 'crazy' cancellations or by trying to show disinterest by replying to a text asking if you are free a long time after with an excuses after it is obviously too late. Someone has to make the decision that they not interested but they am not going to tell the guy, they just will pepper him with excuses until he goes away. I think that is what is so frustrating, especially after going out with someone a couple of times and getting along and being nice and being friendly and even having an inside joke or two, to think that they would give more consideration to someone they openly hated. They would give more consideration to a rude and pushy salesman at a store, than you who was genuinely nice but not attractive to them. I have read a lot on here before that the other person owes you nothing, and while that may be true it's like saying I don't owe it to you to not punch you in the face when I pass you on the street. Civility and basic human decency may not be owed to anyone, but in these circumstances it should be.
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