PogoStick Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 How frustrating! We had 3 dates, kissed every time, she said I "felt like a good fit". She's a bit quirky so I'm sure that's a compliment. Anyway, we planned a movie for our 4th date on Wednesday, she said she was really excited. She works evenings at a restaurant so we leave the plans loose. She just calls when she gets off. I message her Tuesday to make sure we're still on. No response. I figure she just worked late. Try again Wednesday, nothing. Haven't heard a thing since! WTF! What happened? Is she just a flake? Does she have a boyfriend who found out? Did she run into an ex of mine who talked ****? I'm fine with disappearing after a no chemistry 1st date, but after making plans for a 4th? The only other way I know to contact her is at work and I don't really want to do that. I'm tempted in the off chance something horrible happened like she ended up in the hospital. Would you check with her work just to make sure she's ok?
nescafe1982 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Can you call her work? No, not after 3 dates. If you guys were exclusive then maybe this would be warranted, but 3 dates in is way too early and you will scare her (righteously). Maybe she's a flake, maybe she has an ex still in the picture, maybe she's just busy. But if she's just disappeared on you, it's time to move on. Sorry it's happened to you and I would think after 3 dates she would give you a kind let-down... but not everyone is that polite.
kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Haha, totally sounds like my situation, just that I'm a girl and a guy did that to me instead. I still have no answer and am on here searching for help too.
clia Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 You don't have her phone number after three dates? What?
Author PogoStick Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Yes I have her phone that's how we communicate. She hasn't responded but for all I know it just means she hasn't paid her bill or she dropped it in the toilet, or she was on the flight to San Francisco. Who the F knows? Why setup another date if you're not interested?
sdraw108 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Can you call her work? No, not after 3 dates. But if she's just disappeared on you, it's time to move on. These are kind of contradictory IMO. If it's been sufficiently long that you're going to write it off and move on, then it can't get any worse, so you have nothing to lose by trying to call her at work. I'd call her at work, and THEN move on if there's reason to.
Imajerk17 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 My take: Something happened on her end that she is too embarrassed or not ready to tell you about. Possibilities include: --She hooked up with someone else since your last communication and Wednesday night (when your fourth date was scheduled). --Another guy reappeared in her life and she is "confused" and is "thinking about things". It sucks that she is handling things this way (or more accurately, *she* sucks for handling things this way), but think about it. After all those things she said to you, how do you think she would feel that it would look telling you that she met someone else or that she is thinking of giving a douchebag ex another shot? 1
nescafe1982 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 If it's been sufficiently long that you're going to write it off and move on, then it can't get any worse, so you have nothing to lose by trying to call her at work. ...except that it's creepy to call someone's work if they haven't responded to a reasonable amount of text messages or phone calls? After only three dates? If any of the men I'd gone out with only thrice rang up my office to locate me after I'd dodged their text messages, I'd feel very threatened by that person. Highly inappropriate and awkward. My point is that if this woman wanted to continue dating the OP, she would respond without desperate measures. 1
shexy Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 It's a somewhat common phenomenon called "disappearing date syndrome" happens all the time
Author PogoStick Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 I would have called, just acted like a customer and ask if she would be in. I wouldn't try to talk with her or even stop in. Just to make sure she isn't in a coma at the hospital or something crazy. If she's coming into work then it's just over. And in the future, is it weird if I take a date there, say in a month or two? It's one of my favorite restaurants in town! It's a unique place with good beer selection, while most places here are typical chains.
candie13 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Pogo, she obviously interests you. So why not admit that, instead? I think she liked dating you, but there are no guarantees that she wants to continue seeing you. I believe you've done your part of the job - texting. She refuses, for a strange reason, to say yay or nay. That, to me, is an answer in itself. To be totally honest, I think it's very important not to step onto her territory and give her the freedom to come see you. So, if I were you, I would not call her or text her anymore. Basta. This action of yours would allow her to make up her mind and come towards you, if she chooses to. To me, it's like a dance. If you do all the steps, she won't have the opportunity or the space to make all her moves. So in the end, she won't even be dancing with you, you'd be dancing by yourself... I believe you're looking for a partner... You don't want to date someone who's not really sure about you, trust me. Especially if you really really like them. So for now, I would consider that there's no date on Thursday and plan a date with a different gal on Friday. It'll take your mind away from this one. As for not going to the restaurant where she works - that actually sounds like a good idea, for a week or two, until your head clears. After that, if you meet another girl and a few weeks passed by, I am sure you can and you should take your new date or friends to whatever place you enjoy, including the one where your past date works. No grudges and no hard feelings, but life moves on. I am telling you the same thing I am telling my gfs: stand up for yourself and be a bit proud. I know no one who doesn't appreciate a sound self esteem. 1
Lansing Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 This really is one of the most frustrating things in the dating world. I wish people wouldn't be cowards and just at least have the courtesy to say " sorry, I don't see a fit here in the end" or whatever. Even if just by email but I would think a phone call would be better. I have never just left a girl hanging and especially if she tried to contact me again.
grkBoy Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Just another day in the dating world Pretty much. Had plenty of women be all into me, then vanish.
soccerrprp Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 This really is one of the most frustrating things in the dating world. I wish people wouldn't be cowards and just at least have the courtesy to say " sorry, I don't see a fit here in the end" or whatever. Even if just by email but I would think a phone call would be better. I have never just left a girl hanging and especially if she tried to contact me again. I'm with you, Lansing! But people will always provide some "intelligent" (or not so) reason for just disappearing. It's rude, selfish, disrespectful and on some level, a little dehumanizing to the recipient of the disappearance.
ChatroomHero Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Pogo, she obviously interests you. So why not admit that, instead? I think she liked dating you, but there are no guarantees that she wants to continue seeing you. I believe you've done your part of the job - texting. She refuses, for a strange reason, to say yay or nay. That, to me, is an answer in itself. You don't want to date someone who's not really sure about you, trust me. Especially if you really really like them. So for now, I would consider that there's no date on Thursday and plan a date with a different gal on Friday. It'll take your mind away from this one. I am telling you the same thing I am telling my gfs: stand up for yourself and be a bit proud. I know no one who doesn't appreciate a sound self esteem. Good advice. I am going through the exact same thing only after 2 dates and the girl asking me out for a 3rd then cancelling and mostly disappearing. Sad part is after I met her she asked her friend the next day to find out if I was going to call because she was interested. (Of course when I called it took me 3 days to get any real response). I thought a lot about it and decided the toughest thing is accepting that no matter what the indications were that she put out that she was interested, she is not interested or else she would show it. It's tough to take a bunch of signs that things look promising and when the girl through her initial actions presented herself as a nice, honest person, expects you suddenly figure out she is actually being dishonest as a hint to get rid of you. And 98% of the time she is trying to dump you but you don't want to look like you have trust issues or find out she was rushed to the hospital or look desperate, but if she was really interested, somehow she would have found a way to contact you despite most any emergency. I have had this happen to me too often, so I just move on now and cut contact a lot quicker than I used to because to her you don't even rate a text so any other attempt is a waste of time. I am almost at the point where I call once or text once and if I ask a question or try to firm up plans and don't get an answer within a day max, I just stop. If you take another date to the place she works, nothing wrong with that. The tough part is if she gives a big smile say an excited, "Hi!" and acts like nothing ever happened. I think the most satisfying reaction is to 'forget' her name and call her something like, "Laura" instead of "Lori", or basically ignore her and give her the look like you don't remember where you know her from. Overall I look at it kind of like this now; if I called a realtor or an insurance agent needing their service but then decided I did not care for them and did not want to use them, even if I was really, really busy, if they sent me say an email or left me a voicemail asking a question, I might take a day to get back to them, but I would get back to them and at the very least tell them thanks but no thanks. So if you are getting the slow fade, I think it makes it easier to think about the fact that she is treating you with less respect than she would give a complete stranger she disliked.
pcplod Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I can think of two possibilities. No1. Publicly notifiable disease. She thinks she may have given it to you. She is mortified. She is letting public health officials contact you to let you know. She is awaiting official correspondence from your lawyer. No2. Publicly notifiable disease. She thinks she got it from you. She is absolutely furious. She is till going to let public health officials contact you. Her lawyer is drawing up a suitable suite. He will be in contact with you soon. Easy, innit?
Eddie Edirol Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I think she was trying to force you into a rebound situation. Shes trying to think you are a great fit to get over her ex but it didnt work, and she cant stop thinking about him. That would make someone disappear after 2 dates. Or she finally got a response from a guy she liked more and wanted to drop you for him.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I blame ES. Time for a booty call! I concur. I'll also blame ES. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I've done this and I've had it happen to me. Sometimes I met someone else, sometimes I ended up getting crazy busy, sometimes I just didn't want to date them. This is with men I've had great dates with too. Welcome to dating! Three dates is nothing. Either way, I usually wasn't that interested if it happened. When it happened to me I moved on. No use dwelling, on to the next one.
Lansing Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I just don't understand why people don't treat others how they want to be treated. Isn't that the golden rule?
Eddie Edirol Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I just don't understand why people don't treat others how they want to be treated. Isn't that the golden rule? No its not. People have always treated people they way they wanted to treat them, according to their feelings and agenda. No use taking time to tell a dumpee that youre not interested in anymore why youve lost interest.
umirano Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I think it's very poor behavior. I mostly hear it happening from girls. Causes include insecurity, slyness, lack of maturity.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I think it's very poor behavior. I mostly hear it happening from girls. Causes include insecurity, slyness, lack of maturity. I think everyone does it. I only imagine many women do it because men did it to them previously.
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