bf's ex's status as "good/best" friend - guys, esp., could use your input

[girl_in_nyc]

My bf and I have been together for almost 4 months. Early on, I found out that he considered his 1st serious gf (also an ex-fiancee; they broke up about 6 years ago) his best friend. It bothered me that he would still be so close to an ex-gf.

 

I've read different posts where people are still good friends with their exes, but I don't know exactly how to probe into this one with my bf. or maybe I don't?

 

I've asked him some ?s about the nature of their relationship and found out that after the engagement was called off by the ex, she initiated a few "let's get back together again" scenarios, the last one being in 2000 and which lasted a few months. I asked him point blank if he would get back together again with her if she were to call him right now, and if geographical distance weren't an issue, and he said that no, he would not. That even though she knows him the best (I imagine due to the nature of their past) that they're not necessarily right for one another. Logically, I can understand that.

 

But is it natural for me to feel pangs of jealousy at times? I know he's still in touch with her - mostly by email, I would suppose, and I know they sometimes also talk over the phone. I don't know how SHE feels about him, but she knows that I exist. Should I ask more questions about this ex? what sort of ?s? I've never dated anyone who's had an ex-fiancee, much less consider an ex still as a good friend.

 

maybe I'm fretting over nothing big, but could use the feedback.

[ItalianChick6422]

i'm guessing he still keeps in touch with her because maybe the whole split with the fiancee was hard for him. you could ask him if that break up was hard for him and if thats why they keep in touch or if they keep in touch because she said that they could maybe get back together. also you could ask if you could maybe talk to this ex of his sometime and maybe even ask him what they talk about online or on the phone together. you also said you didn't know how SHE felt about him, ask him how she feels about him or if you ever talk to her, ask her yourself. and dont worry, its ok to be jealous, i'd be jealous to and pretty upset if i found out my bf was keeping in touch with his ex. i hope this helped you and hope everything turns out ok.

[sunseed]

I'd ask to meet her next time she comes into town, or talk to her over the phone when she calls. This way she has a voice and a personality to associate with the name she hears. This may prevent any wrongdoing on her part because if you and she can get along, she'll care about you and won't want to hurt you. It's also likely to allay your fears because there will be less mystery about her, and you may even come to trust her in time. One important part of this approach is that it will demonstrate confidence on your part; you'll feel better for facing the thing that scares you, and both your bf and his ex will likely respond with respect to such an act. On the other hand, if you meet and you see things you don't like, then at least you know what you're dealing with.

 

Suggesting a meeting/phone call to your bf might be an interesting litmus test--see how he reacts. He might like the idea; if she's an important part of his life, and you're even more important, it makes sense that he would want you two to get along well. Moreover, it will help you get to know him better through getting to know his friends.

 

If he doesn't like the idea, ask him why, and ask him to be completely honest with you. This could be a good lead-in for you to tell him how you've been feeling.

[decon]

My bf and I have been together for almost 4 months. Early on, I found out that he considered his 1st serious gf (also an ex-fiancee; they broke up about 6 years ago) his best friend. It bothered me that he would still be so close to an ex-gf.

 

I've read different posts where people are still good friends with their exes, but I don't know exactly how to probe into this one with my bf. or maybe I don't?

 

I've asked him some ?s about the nature of their relationship and found out that after the engagement was called off by the ex, she initiated a few "let's get back together again" scenarios, the last one being in 2000 and which lasted a few months. I asked him point blank if he would get back together again with her if she were to call him right now, and if geographical distance weren't an issue, and he said that no, he would not. That even though she knows him the best (I imagine due to the nature of their past) that they're not necessarily right for one another. Logically, I can understand that.

 

But is it natural for me to feel pangs of jealousy at times? I know he's still in touch with her - mostly by email, I would suppose, and I know they sometimes also talk over the phone. I don't know how SHE feels about him, but she knows that I exist. Should I ask more questions about this ex? what sort of ?s? I've never dated anyone who's had an ex-fiancee, much less consider an ex still as a good friend.

 

maybe I'm fretting over nothing big, but could use the feedback.

Your just looking too deep because the only reason he still talks to her is because she knows him best. Once you get too know him better he,ll start talking to you more and her less If you stop being jelious then hell realize that you do care about him and if you give it a little more time he,ll start to talk to you more and it just progress from there more and more. I should know ive been through this kinda thing. ANY MORE QUESTIONS Email decon127@hotmail.com I check every couple days hope you the best.

[tessie]

Ok. I can definitely understand how this can be hard. I have been in this situation for years, however I am the ex-fiance. The thing is - after Jen (his new fiance) met me we became best friends. They are both standing up in my wedding and he is best friends with my fiance.

 

Now things don't always turn out that good. But I think if the relationship is good it should. While jealousy is a normal reaction, it should only be a minor passing thought unless you have been given reason to doubt him. In my situation Ross (ex) was my first serious boyfriend and we were too young to understand the difference between loving someone and being in love. He always will be my very best friend.

 

Obviously if they were engaged, they love each other. That doesn't neccesarily mean that they want to be sexually involved or that they can't just be friends. I can honestly say that I am not sexually attracted to Ross anymore. It should say a lot about your boyfriend that he still cares about her in some way. How shallow is it to "love" someone until things aren't *perfect* and then cut them out of your lives. When you love someone that doesn't just go away.

 

I would suggest meeting her. Give it a few meetings and some honest effort to get to know her before you make a decision about if you like her or not. And don't assume because they laugh about things or are really comfortable around each other that she wants him. Think back to when you were a kid. Didn't you have that one best friend that was just your best friend no matter what? You could say anything and do anything and they would be there for you. A lot of times when that person is of the opposite sex it can get hard to tell the difference between friendship and more.

 

The way I like to look at it is a lot of girlfriends and ex girlfriends could probably make best or really good friends. Reason for that is that most people tend to fall for similar people. So if he loved her and loves you then you must have a good amount of things is common. Take heart in the fact that he is choosing you for a reason. If he wanted to be with her he would be. They would have made it work.

 

If you don't have trust in a relationship it will absolutely never work. Maybe for a while, but not in the long haul. Anyone who tells you that you shouldn't put up with it has probably been hurt in the past and is afraid to really be loved. If he's the type of person that will cheat on you with his ex - he'll cheat on you with someone else too. In a sense - she's no different than any other female friend. And what right do you have to tell him who he can befriend?

 

I know this can be complicated. Especially since there are so many unfaithful people in this world. But not letting him talk to certain people and being controlling isn't going to help. If anything it will push him away and make him more likely to cheat.

 

Have a long talk with him. Be honest with him and suggest you meet her. Give her a chance and see where it goes from there.