Author abby_tx Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 He texted back saying we can talk about it later tonight and that he never had given much thought to his profile one way or another, but he hadn't messaged or looked at profiles since we started dating. I don't know if I should try to talk about it more or just throw in the towel on this one.
hoping2heal Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 He texted back saying we can talk about it later tonight and that he never had given much thought to his profile one way or another, but he hadn't messaged or looked at profiles since we started dating. I don't know if I should try to talk about it more or just throw in the towel on this one. Hear him out and go from there. Proceed with caution but the fact that he wants to talk about things instead of just cold shouldering you might mean there's still hope yet. If he didn't care about you he would probably just be dismissing you by now. It's only been 2 months but he's willing to talk about stuff that isn't for the faint of heart. Either he's a lying dirt bag or it's not as bad as it looks.
NJtoDC Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 He told me he'd think about it. I asked what he meant by that. Did he mean think about taking it down? To which he said "yes." My thoughts are who needs to THINK about taking a dating profile down when you've been with someone for a little over two months?! Ouch. Well, maybe he's a guy who needs time to think and will agree with you when he's considered your point of view. I'd be holding him at arms length at this point. Sorry:(
FitChick Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 If you really like him and can handle it, just go along with whatever he says, whatever excuses he gives for keeping his profile up. Say "I see your point. I totally understand what you are saying. You are so logical. You've convinced me that I need to keep my profile active, too, until such time as we decide where our relationship is going. I'm so glad we had this little talk! Thank you!" Then get some really hot photos taken for your new profile. Before the days of the internet, a friend had been seeing a guy exclusively and found out he had been going surfing with some woman. She was very upset but is a good actress. She cooked him a wonderful, romantic dinner then casually mentioned "I think I should still date other guys before deciding if I want to be exclusive or not." (or words to that effect). He burst into tears. They eventually got married. Sometimes it takes the thought of losing someone before you truly appreciate them. Now, I don't know if you've been dating your boyfriend long enough for this to be your result. 3
Author abby_tx Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I am holding him at arm's length now for sure. I definitely feel ready to end things if I don't get what I want from this conversation.
Author abby_tx Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 If you really like him and can handle it, just go along with whatever he says, whatever excuses he gives for keeping his profile up. Say "I see your point. I totally understand what you are saying. You are so logical. You've convinced me that I need to keep my profile active, too, until such time as we decide where our relationship is going. I'm so glad we had this little talk! Thank you!" Then get some really hot photos taken for your new profile. Before the days of the internet, a friend had been seeing a guy exclusively and found out he had been going surfing with some woman. She was very upset but is a good actress. She cooked him a wonderful, romantic dinner then casually mentioned "I think I should still date other guys before deciding if I want to be exclusive or not." (or words to that effect). He burst into tears. They eventually got married. Sometimes it takes the thought of losing someone before you truly appreciate them. Now, I don't know if you've been dating your boyfriend long enough for this to be your result. That's interesting. I am such a bad liar that I don't think i could go this route. I think he is truly unskilled when it comes to dating/women. The fact that he made it to 30 with a relationship that lasted a few short months is definitely surprising to me. I'd be curious to know the reasons behind some of the others.
hoping2heal Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I am holding him at arm's length now for sure. I definitely feel ready to end things if I don't get what I want from this conversation. Yeah, and you know what? That's fine. The response about the dating profile threw me off. But, then when I find out he texts willing to talk about things then I'm back on the fence. I mean, he might just be a lying dirt bag no god son of a gun BUT if he were, why not just cut and run when he's confronted? It's only been 2 months, he could easily just cut the cord and move onto the next unsuspecting woman. The fact that you're calling him on stuff shows you're not going to be a blind fool slash doormat and yet? He's still interested. He wins back a little bit of credibility for that and the rest remains to be seen.
RedRobin Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) Which online site are you using? If it is OkC, he can put his status up as "seeing someone" if he still wants to keep it active for whatever reason. If it is on another site, he can add that in his profile. That is fair to you... and also fair to women who might be contacting him not knowing he is (supposedly) exclusive. While he is 'thinking' about it, you may remind him that these other women who may be contacting him aren't aware that he is sleeping with you... and how is that fair to them? See how he responds to that. You didn't agree to be a FWB, and if he is trying to make you one without your explicit permission, he needs to go. To me, this isn't about whether the profile is up or not... it is how transparent he really is about why he is there...both to you and to women who may be viewing it ... Also, don't forget that whether he is on a dating site or not, if he is still looking, he doesn't need an online profile to do that... Situations like this are useful information. You are learning how he communicates (or doesn't). Don't be afraid to pull back emotionally, or even sexually, if you are not trusting him or he chooses to be vague. I only had one situation like this happen to me before learning to avoid sex until a relationship is verifiably exclusive. It doesn't happen in two weeks in my experience... partly because people's versions of 'exclusive' differ. Or, they fudge hoping to get the goodies or lock someone else down while they themselves are not really serious about a relationship where both physical and emotional intimacy are progressing in tandem. Anyway, I support your decision to pull back a bit.. Edited: I don't agree with dancing around, playing games, or being passive aggressive. You can be direct but also be diplomatic in how you address your needs in order to continue to go forward with him. Then stick to it... whatever it is. Edited July 8, 2013 by RedRobin 2
Author abby_tx Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 We were supposed to discuss it last night, but I told him I was dead tired and needed to sleep. This morning I woke up to a text saying he took down his profile. I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but he told me he hadn't messaged any women or looked at any profiles since we started dating. Who knows if this is true. Part of me believes him because he's honest to a fault. I still think I am going to pull back and be more cautious with him.
hoping2heal Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 We were supposed to discuss it last night, but I told him I was dead tired and needed to sleep. This morning I woke up to a text saying he took down his profile. I don't remember if I mentioned this before, but he told me he hadn't messaged any women or looked at any profiles since we started dating. Who knows if this is true. Part of me believes him because he's honest to a fault. I still think I am going to pull back and be more cautious with him. If he didn't care about you or your feelings, he wouldn't have done that. If he was just playing you, he wouldn't have done that. The thing about liars is they want easy suckers. They don't want anyone who is going to question them, they want someone gullible and easily manipulated. You're showing that you're not that kind of lady and he hasn't hit the deck. Not only that, but you two survived your first "issue" together. If he wasn't invested in you? He would have been scared off by that this early but he wasn't. It's understandable you would want to be cautious but I do also warn in pulling back. He's doing things for you and if that's met with pullback it could end up with him shutting down too. You said he's been honest to a fault, we know he actually listens to what you say, and he addressed your concerns by taking the profile down. I think he's earned the benefit of the doubt for now until he's given any reason not to have it. 4
Babolat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I love it when people say that actions mean more than words. The revelations of the obvious that "actions mean more than words" is hardly worth mentioning. Of course actions are important! But for many, if not most, so are the words! After the months of dating and HE expressing the desire to be exclusive, he can't say I LIKE YOU??????? Just b/c someones declares exclusivity doesn't mean he or she is. He likes how things are now. Well, I hope so he wants you to be exclusively his gf. So, he likes you. Why can't he say something as simple as that? BTW, it is simple. It's not LOVE. It's LIKE. I would be a little concerned too. That he is unable or unwilling to express what his actions SEEM to demonstrate. Non-committal? Could be. Good luck. I agree on this. I think what you need to ask yourtself is his lack of emotional expression, the ability to talk about "deep" stuff...is it a red flag, deal breaker for you? Me, I love to engage in conversation like this. Girls tell me "you are not like other men, you talk", which I take as a compliment. 2 months may be a bit early for these kind of talks, though not really in my opinion. People tell you who they are early on, you just need to be able to listen and hear. You are in both in your eaarly 30's, your not teenagers or 20 somethings. In my opinion, he should be able to express his emotions a littlle more at this point.
StayBeautiful Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I'm glad he took it down. If he wasn't looking, even idly, what WAS he doing? Logging on and then just staring at the screen? I don't multi date, so once things have got to the stage where you've had a few dates and will probably be bumping uglies - if the profile hasn't come down, it has to. I had this same thing one time. Called the guy up and said all this, and he was VERY hesitant. The next day, as I was about to break up with him, he told me he'd taken it down. He said he'd thought about it, and I was right - why WAS he so keen to keep it? It's not like he couldn't just reactivate it if we didn't work out. It's weird, because guys often struggle to even get a few dates a month - but as a woman, I could log on and get a date tonight. So you'd think it would be the other way round - men would be keen to get a woman off a dating site as soon as possible. After all, if he's keeping his options open, she can too. And women have a lot more options on online dating.
BluEyeL Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) I'm also glad he took his profile down. The lack of communication between dates and only meeting once a week concern me somewhat. But you say that the "dates" involve spending the entire weekend together?? And there is no communication at all in between, or is just sporadic? Because if there is some kind of communication, although not daily, it might just be his style and you'll just need to get used to it. Just one thing I noticed on this thread, people saying "this early this, this early that". I don't think two months qualifies as "early" as far as the raised issues are concerned. Edited July 8, 2013 by BluEyeL
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Make sure he doesn't have another one and check the other dating sites.
RedRobin Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) If he didn't care about you or your feelings, he wouldn't have done that. If he was just playing you, he wouldn't have done that. The thing about liars is they want easy suckers. They don't want anyone who is going to question them, they want someone gullible and easily manipulated. You're showing that you're not that kind of lady and he hasn't hit the deck. Not only that, but you two survived your first "issue" together. If he wasn't invested in you? He would have been scared off by that this early but he wasn't. It's understandable you would want to be cautious but I do also warn in pulling back. He's doing things for you and if that's met with pullback it could end up with him shutting down too. You said he's been honest to a fault, we know he actually listens to what you say, and he addressed your concerns by taking the profile down. I think he's earned the benefit of the doubt for now until he's given any reason not to have it. OP, I agree with this. Had he not chosen to pull the profile down or make any adjustments, then pulling back is warranted. However, he is making adjustments and seems to be sensitive to your needs in this area. Sure, it doesn't feel good to have someone need to 'think' about it rather than just jump to it the minute you ask for it... but these kinds of things pop up all the time in relationships. If anything, perhaps he also needed to see that you can ask for things respectfully without having a conniption or bailing right off the bat while he pondered the merits of whatever you were asking for... Seems reasonable to me. Edited: also agree with posts that question the amount of input or discussion in between dates/meetings. I suppose it might be prudent to check other online sites too... but I'm not sure if I would. Only so many hours in the day for me. Edited July 8, 2013 by RedRobin
BluEyeL Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I don't think obsessively checking different internet sites to find out what your guy is doing is productive. If he wants to be with you, he will, if not, not. Checking everything will just make you crazy. In my own relationship I don't check, what am I, his parole officer? I just look at his behavior, treatment and consistency. I also disagree with pulling back at this time, for the reasons outlined by others.
AverageCat Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I am in some desperate need of advice. I met a guy online who I have been dating for 2 months now. He's 30 and I'm 31. It was him who asked to be exclusive and this happened fairly early in our relationship. I think it was 2 weeks when he asked me. Our dating history: My longest relationship before him was 6 years. And others were not significant enough to mention. His longest was only 5 months and I get the feeling he hasn't only had 1 month or less relationships prior. He was the first and only guy I've ever met on the internet where as I know he went on several failed first dates with internet girls before me. Back to the story: We see each other over the weekends and I feel myself starting to fall really hard for him. In person, I have all the validation I need from without him actually needing him to say, "I LIKE YOU!" But during the week apart, I start to question it because we're not able to talk a whole lot and he's terrible at texting. So we go from this intense wonderful weekend together to next to nothing. It's getting really hard on me and I felt I needed to tell him this. I called last night and explained my concern. Then I told him that I was really starting to like him and couldn't really tell where his head was at. He didn't respond with an "I like you too!" the whole conversation. Instead he just listened to me and said he didn't know what to say, but that he did like where things were at and was having a good time with me and that he's not looking for anyone else. He also admitted that he's very bad at talking about feelings, especially relationship stuff and that it takes him longer in relationships to figure stuff out. So, because I told him that I like him and he didn't flat out say he liked me too, I worry. I feel like the whole "I'm bad at talking" thing is a cop out. I think I deserve validation and confirmation that he's into me so I can continue this with confidence. Otherwise I will have invested emotions into something that will end up hurting me. I also logged into my dating profile and saw that he last logged in only 5 days ago. The fact that his profile is still up really worries me. I took all my info down immediately, but his is still up. We talked after the first two weeks and said we don't check it. So, where do I go from here? Should I break up with him because he can't tell me how he feels? Where SHOULD a guy be after 2 months? And is it unfair of me to expect some kind of answer this soon? @OP There's no such thing as "a place a guy should be in" in 2 months. I suggest you do like my gf and straight up tell him that you need more contact and for him to be more expressive. Tell him this is very important for you for the R to work. See what he says. If he's really into you he will be trying to compromise. The stupidest thing I find in Rs is when partners cannot express their needs for fear of appearing needy... My only side question is, are you sure you won't take him for granted once you become really comfortable and he showers you with attention? 1
Author abby_tx Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 I don't think obsessively checking different internet sites to find out what your guy is doing is productive. If he wants to be with you, he will, if not, not. Checking everything will just make you crazy. In my own relationship I don't check, what am I, his parole officer? I just look at his behavior, treatment and consistency. I also disagree with pulling back at this time, for the reasons outlined by others. I agree with you about not checking different internet sites. That will just make me more crazy and paranoid and that's not what I need. I think I'm going to trust him until he gives me a reason not to trust him. The funny thing is, he has been more talkative via text and already asked when he can see me next. Now I'm really glad I brought up the dating profile.
Author abby_tx Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 @OP There's no such thing as "a place a guy should be in" in 2 months. I suggest you do like my gf and straight up tell him that you need more contact and for him to be more expressive. Tell him this is very important for you for the R to work. See what he says. If he's really into you he will be trying to compromise. The stupidest thing I find in Rs is when partners cannot express their needs for fear of appearing needy... My only side question is, are you sure you won't take him for granted once you become really comfortable and he showers you with attention? Yeah, I do need to work on not being afraid to express my needs. And no, I would definitely not take him for granted if he showered me with attention.
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