2 months in and falling hard, but feel I need to dump him :(

[hppr]

We live in different towns and he's actually in a graduate program. I have been driving down on Fridays and staying until Sunday.

 

I checked and he hasn't switched his pictures or his info. It's probably an ego stroke having it up. I don't know. As soon as I'm with a guy, I don't want or need other male attention. WIsh it was the same for guys.

 

More than likely he just checks it if he gets an email. If he was plugging it every day, switching his pics, then you'd know he was on the market.

 

My advice is to just go with it. If you like the guy, enjoy being with him, then I don't see a reason to stop. Just keep in mind that being in different towns and work/school schedules means you won't see each other a lot which will be the biggest problem.

 

The way you describe it the guy sounds like a genuinely 'good guy'. Passionate, graduate program etc. If you want a relationship I wouldn't rock the boat too much.

[ThanhL]

I think you are just overly thinking. The fact is you are dating and getting to know about each other better. And its only been 2 months. His feeling and yours might not be in the same level yet, but thing is going on. Just take it easy and slow, learn more about him, its better for you too to know him well.

 

About his dating profile, if he is not really active there (it sounds like he just goes there to see what emails he got due to the alert) and not seeing anyone else besides you, then its not a big deal, he probably thinks that way too as guys normally do. He will eventually take it off in no time (as my experience).

 

Relax and try not to be too emotional. You mentioned that you are funny, then stay funny and make him smile more. Who doesnt love his girl to make him smile and laugh ?

[StayBeautiful]

It's quite simple, you say to him "you know how you wanted to be exclusive? To me, that means no longer having a dating profile, I'm going to delete mine and I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page with that?"

 

It doesn't matter why he logs on. It doesn't matter if he only does it to read a message someone sent. It doesn't matter if he only went on to see who the person was who winked at him. A girl could be jumping up and down in front of him, covered in baby oil and marshmallows with a big sign above her head saying "check out my profile big boy" and he STILL shouldn't log on if he's with you.

 

So if you and he accept all that.... why have it active at all?

[abby_tx]

It's quite simple, you say to him "you know how you wanted to be exclusive? To me, that means no longer having a dating profile, I'm going to delete mine and I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page with that?"

 

It doesn't matter why he logs on. It doesn't matter if he only does it to read a message someone sent. It doesn't matter if he only went on to see who the person was who winked at him. A girl could be jumping up and down in front of him, covered in baby oil and marshmallows with a big sign above her head saying "check out my profile big boy" and he STILL shouldn't log on if he's with you.

 

So if you and he accept all that.... why have it active at all?

 

Well, maybe I'll talk to him about that today? I wonder if him having the profile is what has made me so anxiety ridden and unsure suddenly?

[hoping2heal]

I love it when people say that actions mean more than words. The revelations of the obvious that "actions mean more than words" is hardly worth mentioning. Of course actions are important! But for many, if not most, so are the words! After the months of dating and HE expressing the desire to be exclusive, he can't say I LIKE YOU???????

 

It's semantics. He's already told her he likes where things are going with her. To you the phrase actions mean more than words seems redundant. For you, it goes without saying. OP was missing that, she was looking for the phrase and not remembering the actions she had been getting. She's not the first, second, third, fourth, and won't be the last of people who have ever done so. Reminding her wasn't redundant. Words can be important too yeah I get that, but not everyone is verbal like that. Now that's kind of where dealbreakers come into play. A person needs to decide "can I learn to understand his/her language and accept it? Or am I unwilling?" Up to the OP to decide.

 

 

Just b/c someones declares exclusivity doesn't mean he or she is. He likes how things are now. Well, I hope so he wants you to be exclusively his gf. So, he likes you. Why can't he say something as simple as that? BTW, it is simple. It's not LOVE. It's LIKE. [/Quote]

 

See above, he's already said he likes where things are going and you know the rest.

 

I would be a little concerned too. That he is unable or unwilling to express what his actions SEEM to demonstrate. Non-committal? Could be.

 

Good luck.

 

Again, semantics

[hoping2heal]

Okay, so let's say you're right and he's non-committal. What am I supposed to do? I can't login to his dating account to see if he's messaging anyone, I am not close enough to his friends to ask for advice. All I have is what he tells me and what we have in person. I have no mutual friends to act as character witnesses, etc.

 

 

I'm sorry but I think that jumping to the conclusion he's non-commital just because he said "I like where things are going and don't want to see anyone else" vs "I like you too" is just plain jumping the gun. I mean I've seen no indication that he's commitment-phobic. I'd personally suggest working on the communication line and not the commitment line. Yeah, I'm just one opinion on this website out of a crap ton on here but yeah.

[hoping2heal]

Is that a redflag that he didn't say he liked me?

 

I'm torn now. Do I ASK him for more clarifaction or start playing hard to get? I hear both sides.

 

I'll warn you now, I'm not big on game playing. I'm a straight shooter and I prefer to advise people to do as such. Have I played games in the past? Yes Have they worked? Well, they did what they were suppose to? But, with age and maturity this amazing thing happens where you learn "Hey wow, if I just speak up about my concerns and tell someone how I'm feeling, alot of ***** gets solved easy peasy!"

 

Now, saying how you feel and writing overly emotional e-mails are two different things, kind of. By all means, be honest with you feel but reign it in a little bit so you're not intimidating the person you're trying to communicate with. You're trying to play chess with your date and it doesn't need to be like that.

 

You're concerned about why his dating profile is up. So tell him that, you don't need to be accusatory about it. A simple, listen I want to be honest and tell you I'm bothered by the fact that you have a dating profile still up when it was your decision to be exclusive. It makes me feel insecure and I'd like to understand where you coming from on that issue".

 

It would solve a whole heck of alot of mental headaches more than trying to play hard to get and see what he does; afterall that is one major thing bothering you right now, right?

 

The other thing is, you're bothered by his lack of verbal proclamations. Once again a simple "I understand that you're not good at talking about your feelings but those affirmations make me feel good and they make me feel secure. It would mean alot to me to get a compliment from you once in awhile or to hear you say that you like me, too".

 

It's really that simple. That doesn't mean you'll get your desired outcome. You may not like the reason he has the dating profile up, he may not put the effort in to give you those compliments. But, you're 2 months in and that's what dating is for. Just because you like this guy doesn't mean he's a right fit for you and that is why you're dating him now and trying to find that out.

[RebelWithoutACause]

You should take a step back from the situation/relationship. I don't mean break up but take things back to a more comfortable level for you. Otherwise you are going to drive yourself crazy and you'll end up pushing that guy away. Just give yourself and him some space. Don't initiate too much and certainly no more serious relationship talks for now. Let him come back to you if this is what he wants. And if he doesn't want it, then it's not a big loss anyway.

[FitChick]

I agree that you should let him initiate more, which would prove his interest more than saying he liked you. I am one who thinks actions speak louder than words.

 

I would also keep checking his profile up until the 'three-months together exclusively' mark. Create a fake profile if you have to, one that sound nothing like you, or some sites let you search by username without logging in. If he continues to log in (he may be checking to see if you've logged in), then have the talk. "What is your definition of exclusivity in a relationship? Does it mean dating other people while having sex with only one?" If he wants to know why you are asking, tell him that your definition is to not have a dating profile up, period. Hide or delete, because that is what you've done (make sure you've done it first). No excuses about answering messages because if his profile was hidden he wouldn't have to bother constantly logging in, would he?!

 

I wouldn't act jealous or insecure, always be fun and busy with other things when you aren't with him. If he gets pissy about being interrogated and makes excuses about leaving his profile up, you can say you agree with him that you should keep your profile current as well until you both agree on where the relationship is headed. Or... just say, "Maybe you are right" and start asking him to take flattering photos of you that you can post on your new dating profile (but don't tell him).

 

Your background is irrelevant. Men don't think about things like that. If the sexes were reversed, it might be a problem.

[abby_tx]

I agree that you should let him initiate more, which would prove his interest more than saying he liked you. I am one who thinks actions speak louder than words.

 

I would also keep checking his profile up until the 'three-months together exclusively' mark. Create a fake profile if you have to, one that sound nothing like you, or some sites let you search by username without logging in. If he continues to log in (he may be checking to see if you've logged in), then have the talk. "What is your definition of exclusivity in a relationship? Does it mean dating other people while having sex with only one?" If he wants to know why you are asking, tell him that your definition is to not have a dating profile up, period. Hide or delete, because that is what you've done (make sure you've done it first). No excuses about answering messages because if his profile was hidden he wouldn't have to bother constantly logging in, would he?!

 

I wouldn't act jealous or insecure, always be fun and busy with other things when you aren't with him. If he gets pissy about being interrogated and makes excuses about leaving his profile up, you can say you agree with him that you should keep your profile current as well until you both agree on where the relationship is headed. Or... just say, "Maybe you are right" and start asking him to take flattering photos of you that you can post on your new dating profile (but don't tell him).

 

Your background is irrelevant. Men don't think about things like that. If the sexes were reversed, it might be a problem.

 

 

Okay, my plan is to really just take a step back and sort of be lazy about this and let him come to me. I was going to address the dating profile today, but I held back and didn't text. I'm not going to text him until he texts me each day and not reply right away. I already agreed to go to a birthday party with him this weekend, so I guess I'll stick to that. We'll see what happens.

[StayBeautiful]

Wow, you are over thinking this WAY too much. When you have to agonise and make a plan to be bright and breezy and nonchalant, you're going to be anything but.

 

The people who can effectively take a step back are the ones who GENUINELY can't be bothered with his nonsense. They're not pretending to get on with other stuff in their lives, and if he doesn't want to be a part of it, his loss - they genuinely feel that.

 

If you don't genuinely feel it, you're deliberately trying to play a game.

 

And the person who cares the most always loses those games.

 

In this case, that's you. So you need to go to Plan B - ask him directly. You don't have to do it in a big "we need to talk" way. You just have to tell him that you need to know if you're on the same page.

 

It should take less than 2 minutes, and it far beats a month of poring over your copy of The Rules.

[abby_tx]

Wow, you are over thinking this WAY too much. When you have to agonise and make a plan to be bright and breezy and nonchalant, you're going to be anything but.

 

The people who can effectively take a step back are the ones who GENUINELY can't be bothered with his nonsense. They're not pretending to get on with other stuff in their lives, and if he doesn't want to be a part of it, his loss - they genuinely feel that.

 

If you don't genuinely feel it, you're deliberately trying to play a game.

 

And the person who cares the most always loses those games.

 

In this case, that's you. So you need to go to Plan B - ask him directly. You don't have to do it in a big "we need to talk" way. You just have to tell him that you need to know if you're on the same page.

 

It should take less than 2 minutes, and it far beats a month of poring over your copy of The Rules.

 

 

I didn't mean it to be a game. I just feel like I'm the type of person who when I like a guy let them slowly creep to center stage and maybe I could use this as a much needed reality check to focus on myself. Maybe go out more and remind myself that I was okay on my own and can still be so that I don't place such important on this relationship lasting?? Blah. Now I'm re-confused. Dating is confusing.

 

If we had a two hour phone call last night, I feel like bringing up the dating profile tonight is just going to be too much and annoying him. Maybe I need time to focus on me before addressing it??

[StayBeautiful]

Email him then. Keep it brief, straight to the point. Post it here before you send if you like.

[abby_tx]

Email him then. Keep it brief, straight to the point. Post it here before you send if you like.

 

Okay, let me draft one up real quick. I would love opinion on it.

[StayBeautiful]

Oh, and no you don't need to work on yourself and hope he takes his profile down. I have a friend who did that, they dated for 4 months and she worried for months about how to raise the issue. Eventually he did break up with her, but until then she tortured herself with checking if he was online.

 

I mean, what the actual f***? In the past I've just said "are you still looking? If not, can we take profiles down please. Do you want more wine?"

 

At which point he'll probably say "oh but I just log on to read messages and do quizzes, I don't really want to delete it". Which is where to say "it's a dating site, I'm afraid this is a deal breaker for me". And mean it.

[abby_tx]

Oh, and no you don't need to work on yourself and hope he takes his profile down. I have a friend who did that, they dated for 4 months and she worried for months about how to raise the issue. Eventually he did break up with her, but until then she tortured herself with checking if he was online.

 

I mean, what the actual f***? In the past I've just said "are you still looking? If not, can we take profiles down please. Do you want more wine?"

 

At which point he'll probably say "oh but I just log on to read messages and do quizzes, I don't really want to delete it". Which is where to say "it's a dating site, I'm afraid this is a deal breaker for me". And mean it.

 

Is it possible to send a private message through this site? I don't realyl want to paste it somewhere that's google-able.

[StayBeautiful]

I don't think I can get PMs, you need something like 50 posts.

[RebelWithoutACause]

Okay, let me draft one up real quick. I would love opinion on it.

 

Do you really think that badgering him with questions will achieve anything? What message do you think it sends?

He already said all he wanted to say at thins point. If he needs to say something else he knows how to contact you. You put your feelings on the line once already and he didn't exactly reciprocate. At least not in words. It's up to him now.

[StayBeautiful]

I think this is more about the active profile thing

[PCS991]

I don't know if this is worth mentioning, but on our first date I wasn't into him and didn't think I'd go out with him again. I did agree and it was that second date that made me fall for him. I feel like he tried way harder with me when he wasn't sure where my head was at, but now that I'm really into him he's taken a lazy step back.

 

What was it that made you fall for him on the second date?

[abby_tx]

What was it that made you fall for him on the second date?

 

We talked on the phone a lot and conversation was really easy and natural. He asked me questions about myself, told me stories, and made me laugh. Plus he was nice and offered to drive up to my town when it was most convenient for me.

[abby_tx]

UPDATE ON THE ACTIVE DATING PROFILE!

 

I texted him to say, "I want to quickly mention something... I have to admit that I'm uncomfortable with your profile still be up"

 

He replied that he hasn't looked at anyone's profile or messaged anyone. I said, "I didn't think you did, but I does make me uncomfortable."

He told me he'd think about it. I asked what he meant by that. Did he mean think about taking it down? To which he said "yes."

 

My thoughts are who needs to THINK about taking a dating profile down when you've been with someone for a little over two months?!

[PCS991]

UPDATE ON THE ACTIVE DATING PROFILE!

 

I texted him to say, "I want to quickly mention something... I have to admit that I'm uncomfortable with your profile still be up"

 

He replied that he hasn't looked at anyone's profile or messaged anyone. I said, "I didn't think you did, but I does make me uncomfortable."

He told me he'd think about it. I asked what he meant by that. Did he mean think about taking it down? To which he said "yes."

 

My thoughts are who needs to THINK about taking a dating profile down when you've been with someone for a little over two months?!

 

I was on Match and OK Cupid and closed both accounts after my 3rd date with the girl I'm seeing now. Look up Monogamous and you'll see my profile pic . I'm not sure what to say Abby

[hoping2heal]

UPDATE ON THE ACTIVE DATING PROFILE!

 

I texted him to say, "I want to quickly mention something... I have to admit that I'm uncomfortable with your profile still be up"

 

He replied that he hasn't looked at anyone's profile or messaged anyone. I said, "I didn't think you did, but I does make me uncomfortable."

He told me he'd think about it. I asked what he meant by that. Did he mean think about taking it down? To which he said "yes."

 

My thoughts are who needs to THINK about taking a dating profile down when you've been with someone for a little over two months?!

 

Awwww

 

I'm sorry it didn't turn out how you were hoping but at least now you know. Even if the answer isn't great, it's still better than agonizing about it in the dark, right?

 

I was giving him the benefit of the doubt before this, thought maybe he was just being lazy about taking it down. But, I'm with you on the thinking about it thing. I don't know why anyone needs to think about taking a dating profile down when you've decided to be exclusive. If you were still dating around I'd get it but this is kind of nonsensical. I think it's a good thing to find out now, rather than later after you've invested more into him.

[Eternal Sunshine]

C'mon the positive brigade. Writing was on the wall with this one. How more obvious can it get? This guy is lukewarm at best.