abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I am in some desperate need of advice. I met a guy online who I have been dating for 2 months now. He's 30 and I'm 31. It was him who asked to be exclusive and this happened fairly early in our relationship. I think it was 2 weeks when he asked me. Our dating history: My longest relationship before him was 6 years. And others were not significant enough to mention. His longest was only 5 months and I get the feeling he hasn't only had 1 month or less relationships prior. He was the first and only guy I've ever met on the internet where as I know he went on several failed first dates with internet girls before me. Back to the story: We see each other over the weekends and I feel myself starting to fall really hard for him. In person, I have all the validation I need from without him actually needing him to say, "I LIKE YOU!" But during the week apart, I start to question it because we're not able to talk a whole lot and he's terrible at texting. So we go from this intense wonderful weekend together to next to nothing. It's getting really hard on me and I felt I needed to tell him this. I called last night and explained my concern. Then I told him that I was really starting to like him and couldn't really tell where his head was at. He didn't respond with an "I like you too!" the whole conversation. Instead he just listened to me and said he didn't know what to say, but that he did like where things were at and was having a good time with me and that he's not looking for anyone else. He also admitted that he's very bad at talking about feelings, especially relationship stuff and that it takes him longer in relationships to figure stuff out. So, because I told him that I like him and he didn't flat out say he liked me too, I worry. I feel like the whole "I'm bad at talking" thing is a cop out. I think I deserve validation and confirmation that he's into me so I can continue this with confidence. Otherwise I will have invested emotions into something that will end up hurting me. I also logged into my dating profile and saw that he last logged in only 5 days ago. The fact that his profile is still up really worries me. I took all my info down immediately, but his is still up. We talked after the first two weeks and said we don't check it. So, where do I go from here? Should I break up with him because he can't tell me how he feels? Where SHOULD a guy be after 2 months? And is it unfair of me to expect some kind of answer this soon?
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I don't know if this is worth mentioning, but on our first date I wasn't into him and didn't think I'd go out with him again. I did agree and it was that second date that made me fall for him. I feel like he tried way harder with me when he wasn't sure where my head was at, but now that I'm really into him he's taken a lazy step back.
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I think I deserve validation and confirmation that he's into me so I can continue this with confidence. Not only is the guy dating you, he's exclusive with you per his choice. He's told you he likes where things are going and he doesn't want to see anyone else. He's also listened to your concerns and addressed them by explaining he has struggles talking about his feelings and the rest; instead of just getting defensive or blowing them off. Let me say it again he actually listened. Not heard, not in one ear and out the other, l-i-s-t-e-n-e-d. How much more into you does he need to be? He may not be using the words but better yet he's using the actions to demonstrate what you're looking for but you're hung up over the fact that he hasn't said the words. Well, I'll tell you what there are alot of women who get the words but they never get the actions and let's just say you're in a much better boat than them. 7
amoryvida Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I feel like im going through a similar situation, where he isn't expressing his feelings with you. the goal is for you to be happy. It would make you feel better if you asked him, "What is going on with us?, What do I mean to you?" I think that you should try to give it a few more weeks but if he doesn't want to answer that question, I think you know what you need to do! good luck!
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I dunno, this would bother me. If after 2 months he can't even say I like you? Either he is really, really unexpressive (which would be a deal breaker for me) or he is still on the fence. I would pull back a little, don't be so readily available.
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Not only is the guy dating you, he's exclusive with you per his choice. He's told you he likes where things are going and he doesn't want to see anyone else. He's also listened to your concerns and addressed them by explaining he has struggles talking about his feelings and the rest; instead of just getting defensive or blowing them off. Let me say it again he actually listened. Not heard, not in one ear and out the other, l-i-s-t-e-n-e-d. How much more into you does he need to be? He may not be using the words but better yet he's using the actions to demonstrate what you're looking for but you're hung up over the fact that he hasn't said the words. Well, I'll tell you what there are alot of women who get the words but they never get the actions and let's just say you're in a much better boat than them. You've made me feel a lot better. I have had such crippling insecurity and anxiety over him not saying "I like you too" back. My past guys have been very vocal and flattering to me and he definitely lacks the words. But what about the online dating profile? I don't like that he has it up still. I know he's not going out with anyone from the site and trust him, but I feel having it up still means he's waiting for someone better to come along and that when he finds it, he'll end things with me.
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I dunno, this would bother me. If after 2 months he can't even say I like you? Either he is really, really unexpressive (which would be a deal breaker for me) or he is still on the fence. I would pull back a little, don't be so readily available. This is interesting because I was thinking of either writing him this long "I need you to tell me you like me" email OR pulling back. Originally we took turns visiting one another, but when we started sharing a bed, It was only me driving to his house since he didn't have roommates. That's a 30 min. drive.
veggirl Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I think your conversation freaked him out and made him feel like you are further along in this than he is. I mean instead of "where is your head at, I really like you!" why didn't you just say "This whole thing of not talking during the week really bothers me and I'm not gonna be able to stay in the relationship if it continues" or whatever? I mean THAT is the issue right? The way you worded it about where his head is at and stuff sounds like you are probing for like an "I love you" or something or for more declarations than is really appropriate for 2 months. I mean he SAID he's happy with where things are and whatnot, I mean he can't read minds and know you exactly wanted him to say I like you too. Obviously he LIKES you, he is DATING you! Just bring up the communication during the week thing directly instead of dancing around it...I mean even if he said "I like you!!!!" you STILL wouldn't be talking more during the week! If you have an issue you wanna talk about, bring up that issue!
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 To kind of explain more about his personality... he is the type of person who if someone tells a joke that he doesn't find funny, he won't laugh or smile to be polite. He'll look at them stoned face. He is incredibly intelligent and honest and never sugar coats anything. I almost wonder if he had aspergers, but looking into the symptoms I don't think he does. He is very expressive physically (always hugging me or kissing me, etc.) so when we're together I have no doubt he'd into me. But verbally he's the worst.
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I think your conversation freaked him out and made him feel like you are further along in this than he is. I mean instead of "where is your head at, I really like you!" why didn't you just say "This whole thing of not talking during the week really bothers me and I'm not gonna be able to stay in the relationship if it continues" or whatever? I mean THAT is the issue right? The way you worded it about where his head is at and stuff sounds like you are probing for like an "I love you" or something or for more declarations than is really appropriate for 2 months. I mean he SAID he's happy with where things are and whatnot, I mean he can't read minds and know you exactly wanted him to say I like you too. Obviously he LIKES you, he is DATING you! Just bring up the communication during the week thing directly instead of dancing around it...I mean even if he said "I like you!!!!" you STILL wouldn't be talking more during the week! If you have an issue you wanna talk about, bring up that issue! I did bring up the not talking during the week bothering me. That was actually the point of my call. It sorta escalated into "I like you" because when I'm nervous, I become a blabbering idiot. I then blabbed on and on about how I'm scared that I like him. I also told him I move slowly (took me a year to be comfortable introducing my ex to my parents) and that I didn't want to rush into things. So I think he knows.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 This is interesting because I was thinking of either writing him this long "I need you to tell me you like me" email OR pulling back. Originally we took turns visiting one another, but when we started sharing a bed, It was only me driving to his house since he didn't have roommates. That's a 30 min. drive. Take it from someone with more dating experience than I want, pull back. Guys tend to cringe when you get overly emotional and it pushes them further away. Plus, you can't force someone to feel something. He may tell you just to keep peace but it won't be sincere. Pulling back doesn't have to be anything major, just stop initiating contact and let him ask to see you. 2
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Take it from someone with more dating experience than I want, pull back. Guys tend to cringe when you get overly emotional and it pushes them further away. Plus, you can't force someone to feel something. He may tell you just to keep peace but it won't be sincere. Pulling back doesn't have to be anything major, just stop initiating contact and let him ask to see you. So glad I read this BEFORE writing that crazy email to him. I definitely think this makes sense. I think why I'm so crazy is my last boyfriend left me for another girl after 6 years together and a promise of marriage. I am so scared of giving too much time to a guy who doesn't want me again. I think I expected him to say, "Nah, this is just casual" so I could end things and avoid heartache.
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Last question - how does him having his dating profile up still fit into all of this?? Just ignore that it's up and hope he takes it down himself?
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 You've made me feel a lot better. I have had such crippling insecurity and anxiety over him not saying "I like you too" back. My past guys have been very vocal and flattering to me and he definitely lacks the words. The thing is, he is saying he likes you back. He's not the other guys you've dated and while that may take a moment to adjust to, people communicate in different ways. Some people demonstrate the action and that's how they express themselves and they may not be comfortable vocally proclaiming it but look at this guy? In his wake he's left lots of action, action, action. It's up to you but to me that would be a much bigger deal than "I like you, too". Any woman should be flattered when a man demonstrates in action that he cares about her and listening to you? Hey, that's huge. For one thing most people don't even know how to listen, and for another if someone is listening? They care! But what about the online dating profile? I don't like that he has it up still. I know he's not going out with anyone from the site and trust him, but I feel having it up still means he's waiting for someone better to come along and that when he finds it, he'll end things with me. It's only been 2 months. I know you're exclusive and I know you're really into him but it's been 2 months. He might have it up because he's not going to be bothered with taking it out down just yet. I mean, I don't know the guy but everything else you've shared tells me he cares about you and is into you. I always give more credit to actioners for being genuine, than talkers. It sounds like he doesn't even use the thing very actively. If it is going to bother you that much then just talk to him about it. Maybe he can help assuage some of your concerns and explain it.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Last question - how does him having his dating profile up still fit into all of this?? Just ignore that it's up and hope he takes it down himself? Does he log in regularly?
hppr Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I'm kinda like that. I have a hard time taking compliments and don't give them very well, telling someone that "I like you" doesn't have any meaning for me, it's just words etc. Actions is how you should judge someone. Only problem I see is that you don't get together that often, makes me wonder if you are in separate towns or just work a lot. If it's by choice then he could be one of those guys who needs his 'alone time' to read books, video games, whatever, in which case an always-together relationship might be tough. As far as his online dating profile if he's not logging in every day and constantly switching up his pics then he's not up to anything there.
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Does he log in regularly? I don't think so. The last time he logged in was June 30th. I am guessing maybe once a week? When we first started dating (after we were exclusive) he told me girls still message him and he said the only reason he notices is because he gets email alerts.
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I'm kinda like that. I have a hard time taking compliments and don't give them very well, telling someone that "I like you" doesn't have any meaning for me, it's just words etc. Actions is how you should judge someone. Only problem I see is that you don't get together that often, makes me wonder if you are in separate towns or just work a lot. If it's by choice then he could be one of those guys who needs his 'alone time' to read books, video games, whatever, in which case an always-together relationship might be tough. As far as his online dating profile if he's not logging in every day and constantly switching up his pics then he's not up to anything there. We live in different towns and he's actually in a graduate program. I have been driving down on Fridays and staying until Sunday. I checked and he hasn't switched his pictures or his info. It's probably an ego stroke having it up. I don't know. As soon as I'm with a guy, I don't want or need other male attention. WIsh it was the same for guys.
soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I love it when people say that actions mean more than words. The revelations of the obvious that "actions mean more than words" is hardly worth mentioning. Of course actions are important! But for many, if not most, so are the words! After the months of dating and HE expressing the desire to be exclusive, he can't say I LIKE YOU??????? Just b/c someones declares exclusivity doesn't mean he or she is. He likes how things are now. Well, I hope so he wants you to be exclusively his gf. So, he likes you. Why can't he say something as simple as that? BTW, it is simple. It's not LOVE. It's LIKE. I would be a little concerned too. That he is unable or unwilling to express what his actions SEEM to demonstrate. Non-committal? Could be. Good luck. 2
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I love it when people say that actions mean more than words. The revelations of the obvious that "actions mean more than words" is hardly worth mentioning. Of course actions are important! But for many, if not most, so are the words! After the months of dating and HE expressing the desire to be exclusive, he can't say I LIKE YOU??????? Just b/c someones declares exclusivity doesn't mean he or she is. He likes how things are now. Well, I hope so he wants you to be exclusively his gf. So, he likes you. Why can't he say something as simple as that? BTW, it is simple. It's not LOVE. It's LIKE. I would be a little concerned too. That he is unable or unwilling to express what his actions SEEM to demonstrate. Non-committal? Could be. Good luck. Okay, so let's say you're right and he's non-committal. What am I supposed to do? I can't login to his dating account to see if he's messaging anyone, I am not close enough to his friends to ask for advice. All I have is what he tells me and what we have in person. I have no mutual friends to act as character witnesses, etc.
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I should add that he comes from a big city, went to an ivy league school and comes from a family with money where as I am from a small town, went to a state school, and don't come from money. I do worry I'm not "enough" for him because of this.
soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I should add that he comes from a big city, went to an ivy league school and comes from a family with money where as I am from a small town, went to a state school, and don't come from money. I do worry I'm not "enough" for him because of this. I am not saying that he IS non-committal. I'm simply sharing how I view about it. No, of course you don't want to check his dating account. No, not suggesting that at all. Just be a little cautious. And why include the above? You say that you are confident in who you are, but you shared this information with us. Do you have some doubts? Frankly, such can be an issue. He is from money and Ivy league education. I am a romantic, but a realist and know that family, expectations and status make a difference to some. Eh, just my thoughts. I firmly believe that BOTH deed and word are important.
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I am not saying that he IS non-committal. I'm simply sharing how I view about it. No, of course you don't want to check his dating account. No, not suggesting that at all. Just be a little cautious. And why include the above? You say that you are confident in who you are, but you shared this information with us. Do you have some doubts? Frankly, such can be an issue. He is from money and Ivy league education. I am a romantic, but a realist and know that family, expectations and status make a difference to some. Eh, just my thoughts. I firmly believe that BOTH deed and word are important. He is very modest and just wears t-shirts jeans. I would have never guessed. He actually never told me where he got his undergrad or that his family was rich. I sorta found this out on my own (when I was researching to make sure the guy I was meeting wasn't a serial killer). As much as I wish it didn't, I know this matters to people. I feel like it's human nature to surround yourself with people who feel like "home" and maybe to him home is a rich and highly educated girl. I'm confident in who I am. I think (not to sound cocky) that I'm funny and down to earth and loving and friendly and I take good care of myself. I know he has a good time with me and is attracted to me but I do have insecurities that because of my family status and public education, he is only looking at the immediate and not a future with me.
veggirl Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 If you guys are exclusive he should not be logging onto any dating website, his profile should be deleted. I'd start there. That's a big problem. I haven't seen where he CAN'T say "I like you" just that he didn't when the OP wanted him to...instead he said he is happy with how things are. 3
Author abby_tx Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 If you guys are exclusive he should not be logging onto any dating website, his profile should be deleted. I'd start there. That's a big problem. I haven't seen where he CAN'T say "I like you" just that he didn't when the OP wanted him to...instead he said he is happy with how things are. Is that a redflag that he didn't say he liked me? I'm torn now. Do I ASK him for more clarifaction or start playing hard to get? I hear both sides.
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