SR2 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 My ex broke up with me 2 months ago due to not being able to give me the love & attention I deserve (we were long distance, have insane work/uni schedules and he has strict parents whom he still lives with). We haven't kept in contact as he just stopped messaging me after i begged and pleaded for about a month. Last weekend, I saw him at work for the first time and we met up after work to clear the air. He said he was really sorry for the way he treated me post break up, and when i asked if he missed me, he said if he told me the truth, it might give me the wrong idea (confusing..?) I thought this meant he DID miss me, until mid week when he text me saying he didn't want to give me the wrong idea. This weekend, i saw him at work again twice. The first day I saw him, we didn't talk all shift but I asked him to wait back after work to talk. I basically broke down, asking him how it was so easy for him to move on when I hadn't, how he could just ignore me for months, how could he forget about me etc.. And he said he might act like his over it but he isn't, how he thought about me and the relationship for a really long time after we broke up and how he still thinks about it all the time, how upset he was after we broke up and how much he regret not speaking to me sooner. He also apologised sincerely for not being there for me as at the same time we broke up, I found out my dad is terminally ill (I'm in my early 20s and still live at home making this situation extremely tough). The second day I saw him, it was awkward at first but we got to talking like normal pretty quickly - i asked him to have his lunch break with me (like we did when we were together) and he did, and again I asked him to talk to me after work and he did. This time it was just general chit chat about uni and work.. The conversation was cut short, but he said at the end that we should have coffee this week (something i asked him to do ages ago when i was begging for him back). Is it foolish of me to think that he still has feelings for me and has finally realised that our relationship CAN work, it will just be really hard? Theres only 1 semester left of uni and then his finished and will be moving back to my area, meaning the long distance (which was the hardest part for us) will no longer be an issue. Why has he finally started talking to me and doing everything I ask of him? And telling me his not completely over it? Is coffee a ****ty idea or should I just go with it? Sorry for the long post, I'm just head over heels for this boy and I don't want to get hurt again. I think/hope that he still has feelings for me, its just the wrong timing, and he doesn't want to lead me on knowing he cant be in a relationship right now.. Input is MUCH appreciated!
TaraMaiden Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 He's 'friend-zoned' you. Please read the link in my signature (item 2). It's all in the No Contact Guide. Engaging with you again, eases the guilt he felt at dumping you. Getting you to see him on a friendly basis, makes him feel better and is for his benefit, not yours. See, if you're talking to him, and being friendly, then surely, you must be over the worst of it, and ready to be buddy-buddy with him, so it's all cool! Well, it isn't. He's just keeping you at arm's length but being nice to you, so he won't feel so bad. Classic dumper tactic. It's in the Guide because it happens ALL - THE - TIME. 1
Author SR2 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I don't think i've been friend zoned.. Hes the type of guy who will straight up say 'its never going to happen, we are just friends' .. not invite me to coffee right after I told him i still love him.. he just doesnt operate like that.
Author SR2 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I wasn't being friendly when he invited me to coffee, I was balling my eyes out about him & my dad.
TaraMaiden Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 In that case, I'm not entirely sure what it is you want. You asked to be 'talked out of' going for coffee with him. I'm giving you the primary reason Dumpers reach out with the apparent hand of friendship. And if you were bawling your eyes out, all the more reason for him to try to appease his own guilt this way. I'm just giving you what happens, in 99.99% of cases. If you want to argue against that, I'm cool with that, obviously you know best. Enjoy the coffee, then.... 1
BC1980 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I don't think i've been friend zoned.. Hes the type of guy who will straight up say 'its never going to happen, we are just friends' .. not invite me to coffee right after I told him i still love him.. he just doesnt operate like that. He did tell you that it isn't going to happen. You are just not ready to hear that. You've begged and pleaded, which is reinforcing why he doesn't want to be with you. He is probably feeling guilt and feeling sorry for you, but what you are doing is not going to make him want to date you again. It just makes him feel sorry for you because you seem so weak and needy, so he decided to be nice and go out with you for coffee. Tara is correct in that you are being friend-zoned. If you want this guy back, do not go for coffee with him, and do not contact him again. Let him contact you. Right now, he probably sees you as a clingy, needy person, which is why he had to just stop contacting you all together. It was stressful for him to keep up with the emotional onslaught of the relationship. Back off for a good 2 months. If he doesn't come back to you, he isn't the guy for you. Work on yourself for now because, in the end, you are all you have. 1
BC1980 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I wasn't being friendly when he invited me to coffee, I was balling my eyes out about him & my dad. So he felt sorry for you. . . . please, no more crying fits in front of him. He is going to run like the plague from you. It's been 2 months; you've had your cry, and you've let yourself wallow in the pain. Chin up, and make a new start. Have some self-respect. It's degrading and beneath you to beg, plead, and loose control to the point of crying in front of him right now.
amaysngrace Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 He's too young to deal with everything you are going through in your life. I'm sorry about your dad. XO This guy sounds extremely selfish but it could just be his age. Either way I'm not so sure that you should want to have him around if he's not going to bring stability to your life when you have so much more important things to do with your time, you know?
BC1980 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Why has he finally started talking to me and doing everything I ask of him? And telling me his not completely over it? He talked to you because he saw you at work. The most obvious answer. He's doing what you ask because he is trying to appease you. Also, it's more difficult to say no to someone's face, as opposed to over the phone (when he declined coffee before). Don't confuse not being over it with wanting to get back together. Even the dumper still harbors feelings and is not completely over it at 2 months. That is normal. Somewhere along the line, he realized that although he cared about you, he didn't see a future right now or ever. That doesn't mean he is simply over it the next day. However, you are helping him get over it a little faster with your behavior.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) Read what he has told you.... not being able to give me the love & attention I deserve this is equivalent to "it's not you it's me" and all other breakup justifications. Key words are bolded. He cannot be with you... he just stopped messaging me after i begged and pleaded for about a month. you became desperate and needy. He said he was really sorry for the way he treated me post break up. Guilt i asked if he missed me, he said if he told me the truth, it might give me the wrong idea he is saying he misses you but nothing has changed, he still doesn't want to be with you. he text me saying he didn't want to give me the wrong idea. again, does want you to read anything into him being nice. He is nice to the old neighbor lady, doesn't mean anything. I basically broke down, asking him how it was so easy for him to move on when I hadn't, how he could just ignore me for months, how could he forget about me etc.. you are being desperate and needy and this is the worst possible thing you could do. he might act like his over it but he isn't, how he thought about me and the relationship for a really long time after we broke up and how he still thinks about it all the time, how upset he was after we broke up and how much he regret not speaking to me sooner.. Notice two things here, 1. At no point did he say he loved you and wants to be together, he is just saying he has thoughts about your relationship. 2. Guilt apologised sincerely for not being there for me as at the same time we broke up, I found out my dad is terminally ill GUILT Is it foolish of me to think that he still has feelings for me and has finally realised that our relationship CAN work YES it is foolish, he has told you exactly how he feels. Listen to him Is coffee a bad idea? YES, this is to make him feel better (guilt) but will make you feel worse...he has told you repeatedly he is not interested. he doesn't want to lead me on knowing he cant be in a relationship right now. READ THIS 100 times. The best thing for you to do to heal is to keep NC. Finish school, get a job, meet new people,maybe someday you will find yourselves an opportunity again. But don't try to hang on to this. Good luck. Edited July 7, 2013 by It-is-what-it-is. Weird layout 1
Author SR2 Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 You guys have ME all wrong.. I cried because of my Dad being sick, not wanting him. I think its a lot to expect someone to hold it together when talking about a terminally ill parent.. but alas, you are probably correct about him just trying to get rid of his guilt. I shall play it by ear. By the way, I don't agree with NC as a way of getting people to come back to you. Lifes too short to wait around for somebody to realise they miss you. I full believe that if you want something you should be honest about trying to get it.. thats just me though. 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) You guys have ME all wrong.. I cried because of my Dad being sick, not wanting him. I think its a lot to expect someone to hold it together when talking about a terminally ill parent.. but alas, you are probably correct about him just trying to get rid of his guilt. I shall play it by ear. Well, to be fair, what you actually said was: I wasn't being friendly when he invited me to coffee, I was balling my eyes out about him & my dad. So he was included in the grief/crying issue... By the way, I don't agree with NC as a way of getting people to come back to you. Lifes too short to wait around for somebody to realise they miss you. I full believe that if you want something you should be honest about trying to get it.. thats just me though. Nobody has ever suggested NC as a way of 'getting people to come back to you'. That's a completely wrong view and it's simply never referred to on here by the majority, because you are absolutely correct: That IS NOT what it's for! Edited July 8, 2013 by TaraMaiden
Leigh 87 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Him being friendly to you does NOT mean he wants you back. If he was that head over heals in love with you, he would come back on his own accord. He wouldn't wait for you to ask him to talk to you after work. He would do more than merely be friendly. Some things just aren't meant to be. I know how hard it is. I thought my ex loved me so much; too much to just let me go for good. Yet he has. I guess your ex probably just thinks your a really nice girl. He sees no reason not to be nice to you. My ex has a very soft spot for me. He sends me facebook messages telling me he misses me, etc. Guys can be very nice to you, without wanting to be with you like that. I hear about guys who initiate contact with their exes, with out being asked the way you ask your ex to have his lunch break with you. I know of exes who just plain say that they are still in love with you and miss you ( to their ex girlfriends ). Guess what? That is all it is. They have love for you and really miss you. If you read the breakup section long enough, you will see that anything short of a guy coming back and saying that they want you back, is never a second chance waiting to happen. Anything less than him asking to please date you again, because he thinks you had something really special that he feels is well worth re visiting? Anything less than him saying those words is not enough. My ex would say that he loved me enough to marry me. That the relationship just didn't work out yet the feelings were still there for me. Be would turn up unannounced at my flat, wantingto hug me in bed at night. No sex. Do u see how even the most compelling scenario with an ex can be misleading? My ex doesn't want me back. Yet he said all those things. The best thing we can all do is stick to no contact and accept that our exes will only ever get in contact with us again if they want to be buddies. Or perhaps fck buddies.
happydate Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 My ex broke up with me 2 months ago due to not being able to give me the love & attention I deserve (we were long distance, have insane work/uni schedules and he has strict parents whom he still lives with). We haven't kept in contact as he just stopped messaging me after i begged and pleaded for about a month. Last weekend, I saw him at work for the first time and we met up after work to clear the air. He said he was really sorry for the way he treated me post break up, and when i asked if he missed me, he said if he told me the truth, it might give me the wrong idea (confusing..?) I thought this meant he DID miss me, until mid week when he text me saying he didn't want to give me the wrong idea. This weekend, i saw him at work again twice. The first day I saw him, we didn't talk all shift but I asked him to wait back after work to talk. I basically broke down, asking him how it was so easy for him to move on when I hadn't, how he could just ignore me for months, how could he forget about me etc.. And he said he might act like his over it but he isn't, how he thought about me and the relationship for a really long time after we broke up and how he still thinks about it all the time, how upset he was after we broke up and how much he regret not speaking to me sooner. He also apologised sincerely for not being there for me as at the same time we broke up, I found out my dad is terminally ill (I'm in my early 20s and still live at home making this situation extremely tough). The second day I saw him, it was awkward at first but we got to talking like normal pretty quickly - i asked him to have his lunch break with me (like we did when we were together) and he did, and again I asked him to talk to me after work and he did. This time it was just general chit chat about uni and work.. The conversation was cut short, but he said at the end that we should have coffee this week (something i asked him to do ages ago when i was begging for him back). Is it foolish of me to think that he still has feelings for me and has finally realised that our relationship CAN work, it will just be really hard? Theres only 1 semester left of uni and then his finished and will be moving back to my area, meaning the long distance (which was the hardest part for us) will no longer be an issue. Why has he finally started talking to me and doing everything I ask of him? And telling me his not completely over it? Is coffee a ****ty idea or should I just go with it? Sorry for the long post, I'm just head over heels for this boy and I don't want to get hurt again. I think/hope that he still has feelings for me, its just the wrong timing, and he doesn't want to lead me on knowing he cant be in a relationship right now.. Input is MUCH appreciated! SR2, you claimed you didn't get the love and attention you deserve from him. Seemed to be a one sided complaint here. What about him? Don't you think he didn't deserve the same? No man can complete you; meaning giving you all the love and attention you seek because it's impossible. You have to make yourself whole! You can't expect him to dish out all his love and attention for you, because that in itself require a lot of his energy. He will feel neglected and isolated. It's probably why he left and why he does not want to be with you; thinking why would I be with an emotional vampire again. You can have coffee with him if you want, but what would it accomplish? It's best to heal and move on with no contact. A lot of internet dating gurus and the pick up artist sites market NC as the means to get your ex back or to manipulate your girl into staying in a dysfunctional relationship. No communication and actions speak louder than words are their motto. Something under the disguise of being a "challenge" to the women. While NC being used this way do get some exes or keep girls by manipulation in some ways, I have never heard or seen couples who get back together after NC and live happily ever after. Usually when people manipulate others, it is for their selfish self-centered desires. Laws of Attraction states that you always attract the same things you have inside you. Your ex is your mirror. At least Jennifer Aniston got that right!
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 NC is to help the person get over their neediness and gain some perspective. Yes in some cases, the lack of contact causes the other person to realize what's at stake. But honestly it's not a game. It is chemistry and science. What I was trying to say was that he was telling her he wasn't interested. She got all girly weepy so he felt guilty. There is no reason for HER to open up the wounds of rejection.
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