puffsanders Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I'm just so frustrated. I'm 28, and I'm still afraid of talking to women. All of the women I known in the past and now I met through the internet or from friends. My first gf I met her from some friends on internet. Second one is the only one that I could truly said I had some bal-s to talk to. It was in high school. It didn't really count as coming up to her but I did wrote a note and give it to her. The third girlfriend I met in school. We were friends first before I ask her out. Fourth one I also went to school with. I added her on facebook and we talk. Then we dated and became a couple. However, all of these instances doesn't count because I didn't come up to them and talk to them as total strangers. One of the main reason I stay with my fourth girlfriend (now ex) is because I was afraid of being alone. There were some red flags that I chose to ignore because I was afraid that it will take me forever to find another girlfriend. She hurt me really bad in the end. I knew I should of left her a long time ago, but I was just so afraid of being lonely again. It was 3 years since I met her. I'm fine and comfortable talking to girls that I don't have any feelings for or crush. I'm just so mad and frustrated with myself. My friends all have girlfriends or very popular. I go to the club with them sometime because I want to get out of the house. I also want to meet new women. Its been 3 months since my ex broke up with me. She already has a new boyfriend. I wasn't surprise by that because she is a very beautiful woman. Tonight I just went with a group of friends. I was about to go alone to the club. I figure why not I was lonely on a Saturday night. My ex is spending time with her new boyfriend. Its time for me to go out and find new girlfriend. My friends even ask me if I wanted them to hook me up with some girl. I just don't think that is right, and I want to do it myself. I'm just so freaking shy! I went to the club with them before and I knew there were some girls looking at me and checking me out by eye contact. Tonight there was one girl (a cousin of one of my friend) that happen to show up. She was just dancing with another girl and I figure she wanted to dance with guys. She kept on looking at me and try to walk over. Every time I go to the club I end up going home without any numbers except for one time. That time is when the girls actually came to talk to me lol...... I feel too much pressure at the club to hit on women. I also know that it isn't exactly the place to find a future wife. I feel as though most of my life I've been lonely and without a lot of friends. These group of friends are moving away soon as well to start their career. I'm just going to be alone again.... I met a girl tonight that use to like me. It was like 9 years ago. SHe use to write me notes and give me her picture. SHe happens to me a cousin of a nother friend who I went to the club with. I caught up with her. However, she is even worse now than before. She smokes marijuana and drinks a lot. NOt my type of girl. She even left her cousin to go with 2 other guys home from the club. That is not what I want in a woman. Where do I go to find decent women, and how can I stop being so shy. Any advice guys?
white Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Shyness in my experience comes from a simple problem - fear. Fear of a negative outcome from socialising. With women (or men if you're a woman, or whatever if you're homosexual, although I've never met a shy homosexual), it's usually a crippling fear of rejection. Like any fear the only way to overcome it is facing it. You can't think your way through it. All the theorising in the world doesn't prepare you for encountering it again. You can tell a little girl scared of spiders that they can't possibly hurt her, that they do us favours eating flies, that they're scared of us too, and she can say she understands but she'll scream and run the next time anyway. Only after she runs into more spiders and they fail to eat her face or chase her or poison her to death (and maybe after she stomps on a few) does the fear recede. To overcome shyness in meeting women, you must go and meet a lot of women. How you do it is not important. Anything from engaging with someone at the checkout to stopping to ask about a dog she's walking, up to dancing in the clubs or flat out asking for numbers. I'd start slow though. It'll be awkward for a while. Eventually you'll notice that nobody stabbed you or stole your penis, and that the rare occasions you got laughed at or looked at like a hobo are outweighed by the occasions you had a nice conversation, a laugh or two, and maybe even a few lingering glances. It's all good work toward losing the illogical fear and it'll make you feel good about yourself. Also: it's important not to confuse shyness with a terrible social life. They're not the same thing. If your problem is never meeting women rather than never being able to engage the ones you do meet, your problem isn't shyness but a life that isn't putting you into contact with a good amount of people. Also also: many people recommend things like joining interest groups or volunteering. As someone who's done a lot of this I heartily recommend you do not, for the purposes of meeting women. Because there hardly are any. The vast majority of the time you join something like that (unless it's a baking club or amateur dramatics or something I guess) you'll find it's a sausage fest, usually of older men, usually of a serious nature. And you're involved by that time, it's awkward to extricate yourself from this thing you signed up to when you realise there's no god damn women. Do it for self improvement, not to meet ladies.
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