Men and their disappearing act

[white]

Very true. Learning to give appropriate social cues is also part of being an adult. Doing as you will without so much as a by your leave is the action of a moody teenager. Chalk it up to everyone being ****ing stupid and childish.

[Emilia]

I agree with JustJana it really isn't an appropriate answer. Haha you know how many times I've thought about doing that? It's made me so angry that I just want to do that. And I'm just the kind of person who likes closure and answers, I don't mind hearing the cold hard truth, I just want to know.

I don't understand it sorry. Why is a texted 'no thank you' better than not getting a response? How is it different? I genuinely don't understand. I mean not getting an answer is the cold hard truth, no?

The thing with this is... it's not that he doesn't respond. He replies me, just that he doesn't ANSWER my specific questions.

So he does respond... but you said:

 

"So I sent one message, no response. I waited a few more weeks, again no response. Then another month went by and I still didn't get an answer. So I sent another message. AND STILL NO ANSWER."

 

I gather I misunderstood, however the answer is the same: he is trying to disappear on ya and as an adult you are supposed to interpret his communication as a 'no'. This is what having social skills mean. Interpreting another person's intention without it being spelt out to you.

[JustJana]

So what are you going to do? Knock on their door and twist their arm? Reading social clues is part of being an adult. When a person isn't replying it means they are not interested.

 

No ****, but letting people be rude is the reason people think it's okay to be rude. Society needs to stop just saying 'oh well' & then maybe people would stop acting like tools.

[Emilia]

No ****, but letting people be rude is the reason people think it's okay to be rude. Society needs to stop just saying 'oh well' & then maybe people would stop acting like tools.

So what's your plan?

[JustJana]

So what's your plan?

 

I talk to men I don't rely on games. I tell people not to put up with **** like that. I don't let myself be manipulated into thinking I have to act a certain way cause lazy parts of society do or accept it.

It's similiar to not saying goodbye on the telephone. When and why did that become okay? It's not. While there obviously isn't a plan to show up at some random man's house, acting like it's fine for him to not have manned up is stupid. She wanted an answer, she should get one. He should have been adult enough to say "I don't want this" or whatever his excuse was. It's immature, lazy & disrespectful not to

[Emilia]

I talk to men I don't rely on games. I tell people not to put up with **** like that. I don't let myself be manipulated into thinking I have to act a certain way cause lazy parts of society do or accept it.

Out of interest, how has this been working out for you? Do you get men to be more direct with you as a result?

It's similiar to not saying goodbye on the telephone. When and why did that become okay? It's not. While there obviously isn't a plan to show up at some random man's house, acting like it's fine for him to not have manned up is stupid. She wanted an answer, she should get one. He should have been adult enough to say "I don't want this" or whatever his excuse was. It's immature, lazy & disrespectful not to

It seems from the OP's last post that he has been responding but in an indirect way.

 

However, people do fade. I suppose what I don't understand (and I'm not being obtuse here, I just don't get it) is why silence isn't seen as a legitimate response. It's not what I do personally but from a complete stranger I don't have a problem with it. If I met someone once or twice in my life I don't really see how they would have any kind of obligation towards me (no sexual or other intimate relations assumed).

 

Isn't it you perhaps who is expecting too much from strangers?

[MYCluciferase]

kaydubz,

 

I'm going to offer another explanation, a cheap one.

I've been in the situation where I thought 'wow' and chased after a woman, only to find my initial impression of her as a perfectly compatible partner looking more and more mistaken as time progresses, and then... not wanting to hurt feelings, I faked it that some life crisis was happening off-stage in order to extricate myself.

This was both because I was embarrassed at my misjudgment, and because I thought it was the least hurtful route in that case.

 

And I'm going to add that (1) this only happened once that I recall (2) that I have otherwise just told the truth in this situation.

 

But in this one case, I'd chased the woman so hard it just had me squirming with embarrassment at the thought of having to then say 'oh sorry, I made a mistake, I'm just not that into you...'.

 

So, a combination of previous posts plus feeling a total tool for misreading someone.

[kaydubz]

I don't understand it sorry. Why is a texted 'no thank you' better than not getting a response? How is it different? I genuinely don't understand. I mean not getting an answer is the cold hard truth, no?

 

So he does respond... but you said:

 

"So I sent one message, no response. I waited a few more weeks, again no response. Then another month went by and I still didn't get an answer. So I sent another message. AND STILL NO ANSWER."

 

I gather I misunderstood, however the answer is the same: he is trying to disappear on ya and as an adult you are supposed to interpret his communication as a 'no'. This is what having social skills mean. Interpreting another person's intention without it being spelt out to you.

 

Because not having a response leaves you hanging. It's like you knocking on your friend's door to visit, but have the door slam shut in your face without being given a reason. Wouldn't you want to knock on that door and try and figure out why he/she did that? That's just my logic. Maybe it's a personal thing, but isn't owning up part of being a grown up and socially matured? And interpretation is such an iffy thing, that's how miscommunication happens.

 

I apologise from the confusion of my messages btw. It's much more complicated than how I've summarised it but the story will be too long if I outlined everything in detail.

[gaius]

No ****, but letting people be rude is the reason people think it's okay to be rude. Society needs to stop just saying 'oh well' & then maybe people would stop acting like tools.

You really think the polite thing to do is call you up and tell you why he doesn't want to date you? What about you is turning him off? Or maybe you want him to call you up and lie, make some excuse as to why he's not interested anymore. It's not you, it's me! Treating you like an arsehole by lying to you is the polite thing to do?

 

He was honest with you by not replying, and he didn't insult you in the process. Which is actually the real polite thing to do.

[JustJana]

Out of interest, how has this been working out for you? Do you get men to be more direct with you as a result?

 

It seems from the OP's last post that he has been responding but in an indirect way.

 

However, people do fade. I suppose what I don't understand (and I'm not being obtuse here, I just don't get it) is why silence isn't seen as a legitimate response. It's not what I do personally but from a complete stranger I don't have a problem with it. If I met someone once or twice in my life I don't really see how they would have any kind of obligation towards me (no sexual or other intimate relations assumed).

 

Isn't it you perhaps who is expecting too much from strangers?

 

I do get men to be very direct with me actually & I've also been told that it's like a breath of fresh air & that they wish more women stated what they actually want & what their expectations are. Now if I could believe they aren't all liars about their lives I might be okay but that's a different story.

 

She's not talking about a complete stranger though was she? This was a man that she interacted with for months, daily and most of the day, if I recall her original post.

 

I do admit my expectations are high for everyone, strangers, acquaintances, friends & lovers alike. Why not expect the best from everyone? I expect consideration from everyone, just as I give it.

[JustJana]

You really think the polite thing to do is call you up and tell you why he doesn't want to date you? What about you is turning him off? Or maybe you want him to call you up and lie, make some excuse as to why he's not interested anymore. It's not you, it's me! Treating you like an arsehole by lying to you is the polite thing to do?

 

He was honest with you by not replying, and he didn't insult you in the process. Which is actually the real polite thing to do.

 

While it's not my thread, yes I do believe the polite thing to say would be to say that he wasn't attracted, or that he wasn't interested. If that meant saying that I was too clingey or that he actually hates blondes or that I reminded him of his mom. I disagree and say the polite thing to do is not leave someone hanging.

[Emilia]

Because not having a response leaves you hanging. It's like you knocking on your friend's door to visit, but have the door slam shut in your face without being given a reason. Wouldn't you want to knock on that door and try and figure out why he/she did that? That's just my logic. Maybe it's a personal thing, but isn't owning up part of being a grown up and socially matured? And interpretation is such an iffy thing, that's how miscommunication happens.

Having met someone 3 times is not the same as falling out with a friend. Not in my book anyway. I try to work things out with people who mean something to me otherwise it's done. I'm sure you differentiate between acquaintances and friends as well.

I apologise from the confusion of my messages btw. It's much more complicated than how I've summarised it but the story will be too long if I outlined everything in detail.

You probably won't get suitable responses here though

[therhythm]

When there has not been emotional investment yet (no exclusivity and no relationship) I always prefer to fade away. Anything that I have to say will not explain why I don't want to date that person anymore better than the silence... so like we say in my town if what you have to say is not better than the silence then don't say it

[Emilia]

I do get men to be very direct with me actually & I've also been told that it's like a breath of fresh air & that they wish more women stated what they actually want & what their expectations are. Now if I could believe they aren't all liars about their lives I might be okay but that's a different story.

What do you mean?

She's not talking about a complete stranger though was she? This was a man that she interacted with for months, daily and most of the day, if I recall her original post.

Actually at this point we don't know because the OP says she hasn't posted the full story.

I do admit my expectations are high for everyone, strangers, acquaintances, friends & lovers alike. Why not expect the best from everyone? I expect consideration from everyone, just as I give it.

I have high expectations from friends and lovers but not from strangers and acquaintances. There is a hierarchy and I expand my energies accordingly.

[kaydubz]

It's not what I do personally but from a complete stranger I don't have a problem with it. If I met someone once or twice in my life I don't really see how they would have any kind of obligation towards me (no sexual or other intimate relations assumed).

 

Isn't it you perhaps who is expecting too much from strangers?

 

Yes you have a very valid point there Emilia. And like I said, I've had that happen to me where people just disappear and that's fine. But I think why I can't let this particular situation go is because he wasn't just a stranger anymore. We've had the discussion where we've both agreed that even though we've only known each other a short period of time, it feels like we've been friends for ages. Call me crazy, but there was this special deep connection that has never happened for me before.

 

Maybe I am delusional.

[JustJana]

 

 

So I met this guy online and we really hit it off. We were chatting/texting for over a month before we met, sometimes we spent HOURS just texting each other and he'd say things like he sees us in a long term relationship in the future etc.

 

K

 

She also states that he asked her not to date other guys.

 

To me that's more than an "acquaintance" & although it's not how I'd go about dating it didn't seem like it was some casual guy from what it sounded like to me. I could be wrong though, it's not like I've never been wrong before!

[Emilia]

Yes you have a very valid point there Emilia. And like I said, I've had that happen to me where people just disappear and that's fine. But I think why I can't let this particular situation go is because he wasn't just a stranger anymore. We've had the discussion where we've both agreed that even though we've only known each other a short period of time, it feels like we've been friends for ages. Call me crazy, but there was this special deep connection that has never happened for me before.

 

Maybe I am delusional.

When you don't know someone it's your projection unfortunately. Reality can be a killer.

[kaydubz]

Wow I absolutely LOVE how many opinions I'm getting for this issue of mine. I really appreciate everyone's point of view, and I am definitely considering all of them as possible answers.

 

I am all for honesty, regardless of how silly it seems. Like JustJana, I just want the truth. And what bugs me the most is that this guy says he's an open book, but yet is unable to give me answers.

 

Yes Emilia, I have met him only three times, but the connection we had was so much deeper than that. We were chatting/texting for a whole month before we met, I've mentioned that. Through this time, I went through a death in my family. And even though we haven't even met, this guy took a day off from work to stay at home to make sure that I can talk to him whenever I need to. This guy sent me Valentine's Day flowers and presents even before we met. It took us so long to meet because he wanted to make sure the first date was perfect. He wouldn't let anyone else share his bed when his friends stayed over because he didn't think it would be right.

 

Okay now that I've said all these things, he sounds crazy. Hahaha!!

 

And thank you MYCluciferase! That is something I've never considered before!

[Emilia]

Yes Emilia, I have met him only three times, but the connection we had was so much deeper than that. We were chatting/texting for a whole month before we met, I've mentioned that. Through this time, I went through a death in my family. And even though we haven't even met, this guy took a day off from work to stay at home to make sure that I can talk to him whenever I need to. This guy sent me Valentine's Day flowers and presents even before we met. It took us so long to meet because he wanted to make sure the first date was perfect. He wouldn't let anyone else share his bed when his friends stayed over because he didn't think it would be right.

 

Okay now that I've said all these things, he sounds crazy. Hahaha!!

Not crazy. It's called false intimacy unfortunately

[kaydubz]

Not crazy. It's called false intimacy unfortunately

 

And silly old me, who's usually smarter than that, fell for it. Hook, line and sinker.

[kaydubz]

So consensus is I definitely shouldn't send him another message?

[Emilia]

So consensus is I definitely shouldn't send him another message?

Well I'm voting with a no certainly

[clia]

Well no. We had about 3 dates in the span of about a month, just on the weekends, but texted daily. Then after the 3rd date things got weird. So I sent one message, no response. I waited a few more weeks, again no response. Then another month went by and I still didn't get an answer. So I sent another message. AND STILL NO ANSWER. All I wanted to know is are we still dating? Or should we just be friends so I knew where to put myself emotionally. That was ALL I needed. But he wouldn't even respond to that. And that's what pisses me off.

 

I agree with Emilia. His not answering was a response. You may not have liked it, but it was a response. From an objective standpoint, your statement that you just wanted to know if you two were still dating after weeks (?) of no response from him seems a little ridiculous. For future reference, if a guy you are dating doesn't respond to you in 3-4 days, you can likely consider yourself single again. No response or dates after weeks is a clear sign you aren't dating. It may not be your ideal of handling the situation, but a lot of people consider it to be a lot easier and more drama free.

 

And no, you should not contact him again IMO.

[RebelWithoutACause]

And all of a sudden, he totally pulled away from me, and talked to me less.

 

I confronted him about it, he just kept saying he was busy, so I replied saying I would like to be involved in your life in some way or another even if you're busy. No response. Next time I asked him what exactly are we now, are we friends? Are we dating? Just let me know, I don't mind either way, I just want to know where we stand and I'll still care for him no matter what. No response again. Then I sent him an ultimatum saying something like, "You know where to find me when you figure things out. Goodbye."

 

Then a few months after, we got back in touch once, and he says he's been hiding, but never said from what. And he gave me a "brb meeting" answer and NEVER came back.

 

I am still so annoyed with this whole situation.

K

 

Please read this back to you. A few times.

What's there to be annoyed about? It's plain and simple - he's not interested. No need to be annoyed, he just doesn't like you like that. It's happened to all of us.

Please just move on, delete him from whatever ways of contacting him you have, forget his name. Don't send him any more messages, it won't achieve anything, it'll only make you look desperate.

[kaydubz]

Thank you for all the help! I have deleted him in every single way possible awhile back. Not that I've been sitting around moping about him. I started dating soon after, but I just needed to understand this situation more.