kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Hey everyone, This issue has been bugging me for a LOOONGGGG time and I need more perspectives on this, both from men and women. Apparently it's pretty common cause a lot of my friends have been through this, but I just need answers! This in particular, relates to Australian men, and I have dated men from many different countries. So I met this guy online and we really hit it off. We were chatting/texting for over a month before we met, sometimes we spent HOURS just texting each other and he'd say things like he sees us in a long term relationship in the future etc. The first date was great, we ended up hanging out and chatting till 6 in the morning after a dinner date, it was all very romantic. Second date went well, just a simple dinner and movie date. Then things started getting confusing. He started feeling emo, and the next time we hung out, I stayed over at his for a weekend. (We didn't even have sex yet) He became all quiet and distant, we barely spoke. After that weekend, he started having some personal and family problems which he refused to tell me about. And all of a sudden, he totally pulled away from me, and talked to me less. I confronted him about it, he just kept saying he was busy, so I replied saying I would like to be involved in your life in some way or another even if you're busy. No response. Next time I asked him what exactly are we now, are we friends? Are we dating? Just let me know, I don't mind either way, I just want to know where we stand and I'll still care for him no matter what. No response again. Then I sent him an ultimatum saying something like, "You know where to find me when you figure things out. Goodbye." Then a few months after, we got back in touch once, and he says he's been hiding, but never said from what. And he gave me a "brb meeting" answer and NEVER came back. I am still so annoyed with this whole situation. Why do men just disappear when I outrightly ask for an answer? At least have some balls to tell me the truth, which he claims he is, but obviously not in this situation. Thanks friends! K
mesmerized Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Two of the following is almost always the case... - he doesn't want a real relationship. - He is not that into you for whatever reason. Sorry hon, I agree so many women go through it but the reason is one of the above and there is not much you can do about it.
Star Gazer Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I am still so annoyed with this whole situation. Why do men just disappear when I outrightly ask for an answer? At least have some balls to tell me the truth, which he claims he is, but obviously not in this situation. They don't like confrontation. They don't want to hurt your feelings. They don't want to burn a bridge/close a door in case they change their mind. They're cowards. Take your pick as to why they don't answer you. But the answer is: They don't want a relationship with you. 2
InsaneTrombone Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I'm dealing with a very similar issue with a woman, so it isn't just men. 2
Author kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Ahhh thanks for the replies so far! Yes I have considered all of that. The relationship thing would be really weird because he was the one who wanted a relationship, I never mentioned I want to be in one right away. Is it so easy for a guy to have a change of heart? Within a month or two, he changed from "I want you for the rest of my life" to "I am not into you anymore". He was definitely the one who was more into me than I was into him. So it's just all very strange. My main issue is WHY doesn't he tell me the truth? It's just so silly.
MrCastle Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Sorry that this happened. I have done this many times but only to women who deserved it. *Shrugs* From what you say, doesn't seem like you did anything wrong on your end. One of the earlier answers is probably the one. Coward, scared to hurt your feelings, etc etc
Leegh Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Two of the following is almost always the case... - he doesn't want a real relationship. - He is not that into you for whatever reason. Sorry hon, I agree so many women go through it but the reason is one of the above and there is not much you can do about it. Possibly a third reason could be that he already has a girlfriend/wife. In addition, I have found over the years that the guys that come on like gangbusters initially are the least stable, in other words, they fall in love fast and also fall out of love fast. I'm not saying that is what happened in your case, but I would not contact him and leave the ball in his court. Maybe he felt a little too much pressure, and above all don't have sex with him until you are in an established relationship with him. Not having sex early on makes a man desire you more. 1
Author kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Thanks Mr Castle, I hope I didn't deserve it. hahaha! And Leegh, well we had the conversation from the start, he's definitely single. And the more I think about things, the stranger it feels. We also had the talk from the start that if dating doesn't work out, we will still remain friends. But that's not even how it is right now. But the fall in and out of love really quickly thing could be the answer. He went from texting me "I can't stop thinking about you" on a daily basis to just disappearing. I have deleted him out of my life in every single way possible, but it still makes me so mad! I just want an answer and "busy" just doesn't cut it.
SoulJazzBlues Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 From what I am gathering, I think he probably freaked out at how much time you were spending together. He probably wanted SPACE chatting till 6 in the morning on the first date? Staying over all weekend on the third date?
JustJana Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 He's probably married, just because he said he isn't/acted like he isn't doesn't mean he isn't. I'd bet on it actually.
Author kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 He's probably married, just because he said he isn't/acted like he isn't doesn't mean he isn't. I'd bet on it actually. Hmmm I really doubt he is married, given the fact that I have been to his place, which he owns and pays a mortgage. That is definitely not it. But SoulJazzBlues, you could be right. I too felt it was all happening too fast. But he was the one who initiated the stayover cause he wanted company. Did I mention he also had a lot of personal and family issues he doesn't want to tell me about? I know a bit of it, but there seems to be more cause he keeps saying he's really stressed out about things in his life. So I guess it could be a freak out? Thanks everyone for their feedback, this is helping A LOT!!
Emilia Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 He started feeling emo, and the next time we hung out, I stayed over at his for a weekend. (We didn't even have sex yet) He became all quiet and distant, we barely spoke. After that weekend, he started having some personal and family problems which he refused to tell me about. And all of a sudden, he totally pulled away from me, and talked to me less. I confronted him about it, he just kept saying he was busy, so I replied saying I would like to be involved in your life in some way or another even if you're busy. No response. Next time I asked him what exactly are we now, are we friends? Are we dating? Just let me know, I don't mind either way, I just want to know where we stand and I'll still care for him no matter what. No response again. Then I sent him an ultimatum saying something like, "You know where to find me when you figure things out. Goodbye." Too much drama, too much neurosis - ultimately with a complete stranger. I wouldn't have known what else to do in his shoes either, sounds like you were already suffocating him and not giving him space after meeting only three times?
JustJana Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Hmmm I really doubt he is married, given the fact that I have been to his place, which he owns and pays a mortgage. That is definitely not it. But SoulJazzBlues, you could be right. I too felt it was all happening too fast. But he was the one who initiated the stayover cause he wanted company. Did I mention he also had a lot of personal and family issues he doesn't want to tell me about? I know a bit of it, but there seems to be more cause he keeps saying he's really stressed out about things in his life. So I guess it could be a freak out? Thanks everyone for their feedback, this is helping A LOT!! When I was doing my expose I was at the home or apartment of no less than 7 married men. Only 2 had houses that looked like they were married. 2 kepts sep. homes just for "play houses" & 2 admitted that they took down all the family pictures before they invited me over. One had obviously done the same but didn't admit to it. The interesting fact is they ALL knew that was aware that they were married, yet they still made the effort because it was habit. Just sharing that even though it may not apply.
Author kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Too much drama, too much neurosis - ultimately with a complete stranger. I wouldn't have known what else to do in his shoes either, sounds like you were already suffocating him and not giving him space after meeting only three times? Ahhhh, I've never looked at it that way. Even if those messages I sent were staggered between 2 months? Would that be still be too suffocating? I felt that he was kinda suffocating me initially because he didn't want me seeing anyone else once WE started dating... I've never been a suffocating kinda person, I've always been the casual and cool one, and it doesn't matter if we talk or not. But this somehow became the other way round... 1
Author kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 When I was doing my expose I was at the home or apartment of no less than 7 married men. Only 2 had houses that looked like they were married. 2 kepts sep. homes just for "play houses" & 2 admitted that they took down all the family pictures before they invited me over. One had obviously done the same but didn't admit to it. The interesting fact is they ALL knew that was aware that they were married, yet they still made the effort because it was habit. Just sharing that even though it may not apply. That is very interesting indeed! Wow!
JustJana Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 That is very interesting indeed! Wow! The words that comes to mind the most often for me are scary & disappointing. While I do know that it doesn't make sense to let one project shape my view so much, it's just so prevalent & these guys don't even care that they're doing this. The truth seems so easy for them to hide. Now I just always think the worst.
Emilia Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Ahhhh, I've never looked at it that way. Even if those messages I sent were staggered between 2 months? Would that be still be too suffocating? I felt that he was kinda suffocating me initially because he didn't want me seeing anyone else once WE started dating... I've never been a suffocating kinda person, I've always been the casual and cool one, and it doesn't matter if we talk or not. But this somehow became the other way round... Perhaps not but how come you had only 3 dates over those 2 months?
Author kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Perhaps not but how come you had only 3 dates over those 2 months? Well no. We had about 3 dates in the span of about a month, just on the weekends, but texted daily. Then after the 3rd date things got weird. So I sent one message, no response. I waited a few more weeks, again no response. Then another month went by and I still didn't get an answer. So I sent another message. AND STILL NO ANSWER. All I wanted to know is are we still dating? Or should we just be friends so I knew where to put myself emotionally. That was ALL I needed. But he wouldn't even respond to that. And that's what pisses me off.
Author kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 The words that comes to mind the most often for me are scary & disappointing. While I do know that it doesn't make sense to let one project shape my view so much, it's just so prevalent & these guys don't even care that they're doing this. The truth seems so easy for them to hide. Now I just always think the worst. It is definitely scary and disappointing, but I honestly am not surprised anymore. To be honest, I do not know a single man in my life, whether family or friend, who has never cheated on their partners. And that's why I've always been so careful of my heart, until this guy came along... And **** still happened. :shrug:
Emilia Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Well no. We had about 3 dates in the span of about a month, just on the weekends, but texted daily. Then after the 3rd date things got weird. So I sent one message, no response. I waited a few more weeks, again no response. Then another month went by and I still didn't get an answer. So I sent another message. AND STILL NO ANSWER. All I wanted to know is are we still dating? Or should we just be friends so I knew where to put myself emotionally. That was ALL I needed. But he wouldn't even respond to that. And that's what pisses me off. Ah, he met someone else and faded
Author kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Ah, he met someone else and faded I did consider that. I've had that happen a few times before. I wish they had the courtesy and decency to at least say something rather than leave a girl hanging.
Emilia Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I did consider that. I've had that happen a few times before. I wish they had the courtesy and decency to at least say something rather than leave a girl hanging. His not replying was the answer 1
JustJana Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 His not replying was the answer That's not an answer. Why does anyone think it is? If we take that as an acceptable "answer" people will just continue to do it. It's inconsiderate is what it is, male or female & no one wants to be treated that way. 2
Emilia Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 That's not an answer. Why does anyone think it is? If we take that as an acceptable "answer" people will just continue to do it. It's inconsiderate is what it is, male or female & no one wants to be treated that way. So what are you going to do? Knock on their door and twist their arm? Reading social clues is part of being an adult. When a person isn't replying it means they are not interested. 1
Author kaydubz Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 So what are you going to do? Knock on their door and twist their arm? Reading social clues is part of being an adult. When a person isn't replying it means they are not interested. I agree with JustJana it really isn't an appropriate answer. Haha you know how many times I've thought about doing that? It's made me so angry that I just want to do that. And I'm just the kind of person who likes closure and answers, I don't mind hearing the cold hard truth, I just want to know. The thing with this is... it's not that he doesn't respond. He replies me, just that he doesn't ANSWER my specific questions.
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