Sometimes it's apathy, others devastation.

[whatintheworld]

Since my husband abruptly checked out of the marriage a few weeks ago, I've been making arrangements to move on with my life - securing a place to live, separating our possessions and bank account, looking for a job. I will go from being a stay-at-home mom to a single mom.

 

It was totally unexpected and feels permanent and irreparable. I don't believe there is another woman, and believe me, I wish there was. It would explain things in a way that would help me to move on.

 

For days at a time, I cruise on an attitude of "Well it could be fun to be single again. I'll have free time! I'll have my own cute little apartment, and lots of space. I'll get involved in the community and pursue individual hobbies and interests. Time to read that stack of books!" etc etc.

 

But inevitably there will be a crash, and my mind can only focus on the how and why this has happened. It isn't that I don't see my own faults and shortcomings. But my husband rarely if ever communicated dissatisfaction about our marriage as a whole. Actually, he frequently showered me with beautiful love letters, art, and love songs he wrote and made for me, expressing that I was the love of his life, how much joy and meaning I brought to him, and that he had never in his wildest dreams thought this love and beauty possible. The last example of this was less than a month ago.

 

While we have fought pretty frequently over the years and have had trouble communicating effectively (most of this would be initiated by me, and would inevitably lead to a fight), I've always had the impression that he was deeply in love and devoted to me and our life, up until the moment he had a doubt, and now he's cool, seemingly serene and happy about doing a 180 and looking forward to the future as a single guy. He claims to still be devoted to our son and wants 50/50 custody. But I just don't understand how this happens and I fear I never will understand.

 

The pain just comes in unexpected bursts and I feel I must be in a nightmare. It doesn't make sense, no matter how much I want it to. Was he lying to me all along? He doesn't seem at all conflicted or confused, except for when I seem to be calmly moving forward with separation. It is at those times that he seems to desire more closeness, to act as though we are great friends and we should laugh together about this crazy little experience that was our marriage. He wants to come over and cook dinner for our son and me at my new place, or to hang out and crack jokes. He looks at me with sad eyes and tells me how good looking I am. But the minute I try to communicate about what is happening or find understanding about what has changed for him and why, it's back to this calm, collected, zen person who simply knows that exiting the marriage is the "healthy" thing to do and that we're just a poor match.

 

I've never been so blind sided and confused by another person. I don't know how to come to terms with something that makes no sense to me.

[elfman]

Hello, sorry to hear your going through this.

 

When I separated from my 10 year wife (we'd been together 17 years) I did not understand anything. Her seeming to want out of the marriage and being so certain that we had no way to solve it frustrated me quite a bit. It was only later that I understood she was involved in a EA that promised great things, and that explained all the BS (I believe it may have also been a PA, but I had no proof and now I no longer care to find out).

 

You can count on feeling bad about this, and you should enjoy those few moments when you feel uplifted by the prospects, but you should get the mindset to move forward and not let him confuse you with mixed signals about wanting to be your buddy, its just not healthy. By all means let him spend time with your child, but try to not pretend to be a "family unit" until you both decide what it is you want.

 

I lost a lot of time letting my ex confuse me with her back-and-forth about not being sure, had I put my foot down and said "well, I wont be here forever and if you're confused then work it out and leave me alone for the time being", I think it might've been better and at the very least I would've not waste that time.

 

Hope it gets better for you, and I although I know you may not even consider it, try to find out if there is a third party involved, most of the time there is.

 

Take care.

 

E.

[whatintheworld]

Thanks, elfman. It feels good to communicate to people who can relate somewhat to how this feels. It is so surreal.

 

I can't let go of the thought that there must be at least an emotional affair because something just doesn't add up, no matter what he says. I wish I could find out. As of now we are still living in the same home. I will hopefully be moved out by the first of August. He still spends almost all of his time at home and has never been into spending hours online or on the phone. He is also not a frequent texter. No unusual activity in the bank account. I don't see much opportunity so he would have to be very, very sneaky and sly to pull off even an emotional affair, and I have never seen him as particularly good at lying or manipulating. He seems very sincere and genuine, which only makes it more confusing now.

[Yasuandio]

Sweetheat, I do recognize the tunnel you are entering. And I can tell you now -- you have a choice of how long you want to travel in the tunnel of "Why's" and "What If's." I have exited the tunnel. It took several years. When I stoped wanting the answers to the "What If's" and the "Why's" - this is when I could begin to love myself again.

 

Here is the problem -- you are never going to have the answers - the real answers. And, sometimes, it is better not to even ask - as things "are what they are" -- with or without the question. So, all the purpose the questions serve is to keep the issue in your head - and keep you spinning. And, even worse - if you get answers, your mind will challenge and debate those answers, and set off more spinning and likely, deeper pain.

 

You will see that many many people on LS talks about the effectiveness of No Contact. I resisted it myself. I found every excuse in the world to initiate a contact. Every contact was a painful one to me. Every contact cut me to my soul. The very smartest thing I ever did was to eliminate any possibilty for contact. And my dear - it took a couple years to be successful at that. Once in place -- I became better and better as the days and months went by. But -- one break in the NC, it was like starting at day one.

 

Now I realize you have a child - but you do not have a married family unit any longer. I would argue that "playing house" through dinners together is the most damaging thing you can do to yourself and your psyche - since he is the one requesting the divorce from you for reasons you cannot comprehend.

 

If you desire to facilitate your healing, I recommend you get a third party involved. In activities for your child where you both are present -- I recommend an idea presented by Gorillatheatre. I know it is extreme - but if I had kids and I had to go to an event - I would bring a date - even if I had to hire the date. That was the most brilliant idea I have ever heard on LS! In fact -- I would have a standing contract with a professional escort service that provides this person for me. If you do not have a date to attend your child's event where your husband will be -- then I would feign illness, and not attend (cause if you did - you'd become ill with anxiety).

 

The best way to keep your self sane during this divorce process is to avoid all anxiety-ridden situations. Anxiety leads to all sorts of other disorders - eating problems, lack of sleep, non-fuctioning at work, even basic safety in some cases (problems driving, your mind is elsewhere - not paying attention, stuff can happen to you, a fall, a robbery, anything when your mind is occupied with a disasterious life altering situation, etc.).

 

I hope this helps, and I will keep an eye out on you, honey. You will be ok. Yas

[whatintheworld]

Thank you, Yas. I can sense that your advice is wise and kind.

 

I am going to do my very best to pull myself through this next month, staying busy, doing my own things as much as possible. It will be much easier once I'm moved into my new apartment and I will be able to lay down ground rules (I already told him I did NOT want him to come hang out at my new place).

For now, I cannot be in the common areas of the home we've shared without my husband initiating some friendly chit chat, sometimes sitting right next to me and asking what I am doing if I am using my computer. I have asked him to stay somewhere else in the interim and there was no way to implore him without a fight. He wants to be here in the early mornings to wake up with our son as usual, and says he wants things to be as normal as possible for our little one. I understand that, but I also know that when I'm not able to maintain a calm, cool outlook, I am sure I project anxiety from this living situation to our child. Unfortunately, for now, it is what it is, and once I've endured these next three weeks, I believe things will be a lot easier.

[Yasuandio]

Thank you, Yas. I can sense that your advice is wise and kind.

 

I am going to do my very best to pull myself through this next month, staying busy, doing my own things as much as possible. It will be much easier once I'm moved into my new apartment and I will be able to lay down ground rules (I already told him I did NOT want him to come hang out at my new place).

For now, I cannot be in the common areas of the home we've shared without my husband initiating some friendly chit chat, sometimes sitting right next to me and asking what I am doing if I am using my computer. I have asked him to stay somewhere else in the interim and there was no way to implore him without a fight. He wants to be here in the early mornings to wake up with our son as usual, and says he wants things to be as normal as possible for our little one. I understand that, but I also know that when I'm not able to maintain a calm, cool outlook, I am sure I project anxiety from this living situation to our child. Unfortunately, for now, it is what it is, and once I've endured these next three weeks, I believe things will be a lot easier.

 

Well, hon, just introduce him to the "New Normal." The New Normal means that Mommy has her own house, and Daddy has his own house. Mommy and Daddy don't have a house together anymore.

 

The New Normal is waking up at either (a) Mommy's house, with Mommy hosting, or (b) Daddy's house with Daddy hosting.

 

Mommy and Daddy no longer hosting childcare together. That's just what happens when people get divorced. You cannot have it both ways.

 

But it is a great idea to apply wisdom, and try to see the good side of the situation. When the child is having Daddy time, it is very fun, special attention! And visa-versa! This new dynamic is an incredible opportunity for a unique, focused, one-on-one parental relationship the child might not have had otherwise with each parent. Yas

[whatintheworld]

Increasing irresponsibility when it comes to caring for our son over the last two days . He is in the middle of a home improvement project and prioritizing that over watching our child when it's his turn/time to watch him.

 

Also finally found evidence of an emotional affair. Just a scribbled love note to someone it sounded like he hasn't actually cheated with, but obviously there is someone in mind he is romanticizing and focusing on. I don't know what to do with it. I feel I should dig for more, but I honestly have no way to do so. He keeps his computer and phone on him at all times. All I can say is he is a better liar than I imagined. I'm not confident that he has even been carrying out an "affair" anywhere outside his head. It seems that he's putting someone he at some point started to have an attraction to on a pedestal in his mind. Sigh.

[whatintheworld]

Found the rest of the evidence on my first/lucky shot. Feel very sad and betrayed, but in a way it's for the best. He of course justifies it all. No need, I guess to communicate with him about it. I'm just glad to know that I wasn't crazy thinking there MUST be something else leading to the suddenness and inability to be open to even the possibility of working things out. This will be harder in a lot of ways but easier in that now I can understand .

 

He has a history in his past ten year relationship of becoming attracted to other women every 3/4 years and leaving her to try things out with them. When it didn't work he came back to her. Three times he left in ten years and three times he came back. So it's a pattern, even though he's demonized me much worse than he demonized her. I am probably a more difficult/demanding person than his girlfriend, so it is easier to blame me. I am also his wife and he has a baby with me so it's more important that he justify it to others. I'm so disappointed because we talked openly about that relationship in the past and he claimed to learn from it and really, really seemed devoted and committed up until the very end.

 

This sucks. But I am so glad to have answers.

[brokenHeartLad]

Im really sorry to hear what your going through

 

I find myself in the same position in that my wife left me - and i have no idea why. Right to the end all was fine then out of no where it was over.

 

Please stay positive and try not to dwell on it for too long - I know that is harder than it sounds but I found these forums are keeping me sane, just knowing that there are others in similar situations is comforting as I know I am not alone - and neither are you

 

Keep your chin held high and read all the great advice people have posted here - i have and it is helping me through this most difficult time

[whatintheworld]

Im really sorry to hear what your going through

 

I find myself in the same position in that my wife left me - and i have no idea why. Right to the end all was fine then out of no where it was over.

 

Please stay positive and try not to dwell on it for too long - I know that is harder than it sounds but I found these forums are keeping me sane, just knowing that there are others in similar situations is comforting as I know I am not alone - and neither are you

 

Keep your chin held high and read all the great advice people have posted here - i have and it is helping me through this most difficult time

 

Thank you for reaching out to me. It does help to have a place where others are going through the same thing, even though it is so sad that you or anyone else has to go through it at all.

 

I know what I have to do. I must now funnel my energy into not 'dwelling'. It is just so much easier said than done, as I'm sure everyone who has had a similar experience can relate to.

 

I hope you find your own answers, as I do believe they help you to move on faster. As much as everyone gently suggested to me over and over that the only thing that really made sense was another woman, I resisted believing it until I had the proof. He showed himself to be devoted, honest, respectful, and loving and we had talked in the past about how incredibly damaging and inappropriate an affair was. I believed from the bottom of my heart that he would communicate with me before engaging in an affair, and I was wrong. But I knew in my gut that there had to be a reason that he wasn't telling me. It wasn't in his character and I do know him better than to think he just snapped out of nowhere and had enough, no turning back, move out as soon as possible. I knew deep down there was someone else, or at the very least, he was attracted to someone else and thinking about reaching out to them.

 

In my case, he started a correspondence with an ex a month ago, very flirtatious and very negatively revealing about how he saw our relationship, at least when talking to her. As the flirtation grew and as he misleadingly said he wanted to stop talking to her and save the marriage (in the same messages he also complimented and flirted with her), it was clear that he was initiating an out with her... something to go to when and if it seemed she wanted that and when he ended things with me.