Boyfriend and his Mother

[nescafe1982]

Hi all,

 

New around these parts but having a problem and I just don't know who to turn to about.

 

My boyfriend and I are going strong- 2 years in, moving in together soon-ish (3 months from now) and talking about Marriage, Kids, all that stuff. We're both 30 years old. For the most part, he and I are great together: we are open and honest with one another, our relationship is based on partnership (we work like a team), and any conflicts we have had up-to-now have been minor and easily resolved. He treats me very well, and for this reason I hesitate to bring up a relationship-long issue that is putting a damper on us.

 

 

My boyfriend and his mom are close. Very close. They talk on the phone at least a few times a week, and he's a very dutiful son. Which I like; he treats her well and I think that's a great testament to his character.

 

My BF visits his mom frequently, which is great, right? BUT when he does, he basically disappears from my life. He goes completely incommunicado: doesn't return phone calls or texts, doesn't make any effort to check in or say hello, for days or sometimes weeks at a time. When he returns from visiting mom, he'll ring me up like nothing has happened. And by then I'm feeling snubbed and upset, and he doesn't understand why.

 

After this happened a few times, I began to suspect that his mother didn't know about us at all and that he was concealing our romance. I asked him about this, and he admitted that he hadn't told her about us until six months ago (e.g. 18 months in). So that might explain his disappearing act early on in our relationship, but what about all, those visits since then? This week, for example, he's been spending some time with mom and completely ignoring my once-daily phone calls. I feel guilty for being upset by this behavior; I mean, who am I to butt into his time with mom? But at the same time, what gives?

 

I haven't said much to the BF about how much this behavior bothers me yet, because I don't want to look like I'm picking a fight with mom. I also don't want to come off as too needy... to be honest, I sometimes fear that I am being too needy. But it does hurt me when he disappears from the radar like that, and it feels strangely like a rejection when he's dissing me while at his mom's house.

 

So I guess my questions for this forum are:

 

1) Any insight on why BF might have reason to go radio-silent when at home with his mother?

 

2) Am I expecting too much for him to drop me a line when he visits? (Or to pick up the phone when I ring occasionally?)

 

3) What, if anything, should I do to relieve the problem?

 

Additional background: I haven't met his mother yet, either. All I know about her is that she's religious, and that my BF was afraid for a while to spill the beans about us because he worried she would put pressure on him.

[ForeverHopeful1]

My guess is he is visiting his other girlfriend, and not his mother.

 

You have EVERY right to be upset!!!!

 

I would ask him why he does this to you.

 

It is not ok at all! What will happen when you move in? He just disappears for weeks at a time? What about when you have children? Are you comfortable telling your children, " Daddy is just gone for 2 weeks so you'll talk to him then. He might come home sooner, but who knnows where he is or what he is doing. It is totally ok that daddy ignores us completely and son, this is how you treat a woman and daughter, this is how men should treat you."

 

This behaviour is wrong. The fact that you don't stand up for yourself bothers me a little. How, in Gods name, have you not asked him why he does this already???? You have been together 2 years, have plans of living together, getting married and having children but THIS has never come up in conversation???

 

Asking him to answer his phone daily is not being needy, regardless of whether he's with his.mother or not.

[FitChick]

After two years you should have met his mother. Do you know her address? Does she have a Facebook page? Does she have other children or is he an only child? Where is the bio father? Has he met your family?

[white]

It is rather odd that after this length of time, and at your age, you haven't met the mother. It's odd that you aren't visiting her together in fact. If he loves his mom so much then surely he should want her to meet his amazing girlfriend of two years. If you're talking of marriage he should want you to meet your future mother in law.

 

There is clearly something wrong. Is she ill, physically or mentally, and he doesn't want you to see? Was there a previous relationship of his that was soured by his mother and he does not wish a repeat? I love my old man and visit him weekly, but I try my damnedest to keep my lady friends from meeting him because he's racist, sexist, misogynistic and often an embarrassing bore.

[nescafe1982]

After two years you should have met his mother. Do you know her address? Does she have a Facebook page? Does she have other children or is he an only child? Where is the bio father? Has he met your family?

 

Good questions: maybe some additional info would help.

 

1) I haven't met mom yet, but until just a few weeks ago she was living abroad (in Europe). I will be meeting her soon, likely just after I move in with the BF (he's in California, I'm on East Coast right now).

 

2) BF is only son, has one younger sister. Dad is alcoholic and mom and dad split in a really ugly way when BF was an adolescent. From what i can gather about it, my BF had to fill that "man of the house" role too early while mom recuperated; it's not fair but I think it puts the closeness they share (however dysfunctional) in perspective.

 

3) Both mom and bio-dad have remarried. My BF has close relationship with mom and identifies with her; visits dad often but the relationship is less important to my BF. Dad still drinks which makes a real father-son relationship difficult. I have met dad (and BF's sister) several times, though.

 

BF has met most of the family I'm close to: my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I have no relationship with either of my parents, though... which is part of why I'm so puzzled over what seems like a too-close relationship between my BF and his mother.

 

I don't think the BF has a secret girlfriend he goes and visits. I know when he's visiting his mom, but I agree that it isn't cool that he doesn't pick up/return calls when he's with her. I guess I'm just not sure how to stick up for myself without looking like I'm attacking there relationship.

 

Does any of the additional context help? What should I do?

[nescafe1982]

 

There is clearly something wrong. Is she ill, physically or mentally, and he doesn't want you to see? Was there a previous relationship of his that was soured by his mother and he does not wish a repeat?

 

Sometimes I do wonder if there's something to this. Maybe it's not *me* he's hiding.

 

When I asked him point-blank why he stalled for so long in telling his mom about us, he told me she was religious and would be very upset if she knew he was having pre-marital sex. Now, he's 30 and I'm not his first long-term romance. If his mom has a big problem with sex at this stage in his life, perhaps she has something problematic going on.

[FitChick]

It's a good sign that the mom has remarried so she should be less dependent on her son.

[Jbum5]

This is an interesting topic because when I first read the original post I suspected that a possibility could be the fact that his mom is either against him being in a relationship or doesn't like you.

 

In fact, it's actually not uncommon for mothers to not like the girlfriend of their son. This case usually pops up when the son is the only child and the mom is highly dependent on her child.

 

I find that there are many mothers who cling to their son and respond in hostility towards any mention of the girlfriend.

 

To put it into perspective, a friend of mine has an only-child 27 year-old male cousin whose mother was able to find something she disliked in each and every one of his girlfriends (now exes). With each new girlfriend he dated, the mother would find a fault or two in the girlfriend and focus on those faults in an effort to convince the son that the girl is no good.

 

The son therefore started to hide mention of his mom to his girlfriend and vice versa. However, over time, he found that it was very hard to balance both acts. As soon as the mother found out who the girl was she would find a fault (citing things like the girl is too old, too headstrong, too ambitious, too slutty-looking - therefore not a virgin, too bitchy, too bossy, and the list goes on) and insist on a break-up because no marriage would be allowed to take place with the respective girl.

 

If the son defended his relationship by threatening to move out, the mother would threaten to kick him out and stop supporting him altogether, and not pass the inheritance on. After prolonged periods of time, stress, and fighting the son has been giving in to his mother.

 

I bet he wonders if he will ever get married.

 

And this is a possibility I would have suggested had there been no other post.

Edited July 7, 2013 by Jbum5

[CC12]

1) Any insight on why BF might have reason to go radio-silent when at home with his mother?

 

I think the most likely explanation is that he just doesn't know how to deal with his mother like an adult (or he doesn't want to.) She might be the kind of person who is difficult to get along with if things don't go exactly as she wants them to. It's probably just a lot easier for him to keep her in the dark about certain things in order to keep their relationship pleasant.

 

2) Am I expecting too much for him to drop me a line when he visits? (Or to pick up the phone when I ring occasionally?)

 

No, you're not expecting too much or being needy. For you to want to be treated like his girlfriend and possible future wife is not unreasonable, and it shouldn't be seen as an attack on his mother and their relationship.

 

3) What, if anything, should I do to relieve the problem?

 

I think you've been far too passive about this. It's something that bothers you and makes you feel snubbed and you should be comfortable bringing up issues like this if you're planning on moving in together and seriously planning a future together. You described your relationship as open and honest, but by not talking to him about it, you're not being as open as you could be. Give him a chance to fix it. He can't fix things unless he knows they bother you.

 

You could bring it up with him using the same kind of explanation that you've given here. That you appreciate that he is a dutiful son and that you don't want to don't want this to come off as an attack on his relationship with his mother, but you feel hurt and rejected when he drops off the radar and ask him if he could please keep in contact with you when he's away and not treat you like you don't exist.

 

Or you could completely leave out the part about his mother and just make it about how you feel when he ignores you, because that's really the main issue here, right? Never having met his mother is a separate issue. One thing at a time, maybe.

 

Or you could just let him read this thread.

[NJtoDC]

 

My boyfriend and his mom are close. Very close. They talk on the phone at least a few times a week, and he's a very dutiful son. Which I like; he treats her well and I think that's a great testament to his character.

 

My BF visits his mom frequently, which is great, right? BUT when he does, he basically disappears from my life. He goes completely incommunicado: doesn't return phone calls or texts, doesn't make any effort to check in or say hello, for days or sometimes weeks at a time. When he returns from visiting mom, he'll ring me up like nothing has happened.

 

This behavior is questionable at best, highly suspicious at worst. Have you told him you need him to be in contract when he is gone? Have you asked him why he doesn't contact you? What does he say?

 

Considering mom just moved to the US how frequently were his frequent visits? He can afford these trips? He can afford time off from work frequently to leave the country? Have you seen evidence of his trips to Europe to see mom? Have you heard him talk to his mother on the phone while you are there? Seen her call on his phone while you are there?

 

I personally would not move until I have dug deep to answer these questions to my satisfaction. I agree it sounds like he could be seeing someone else.

 

How did you meet? How often to you see each other? Do you spend much time with him in California? Have you met any of his friends or family? Is he a facebook friend? Have you 'googled' him?

 

Feel free to answer these or not but after you are convinced (possibly) nothing shady is going on then the question is how to you make a major life commitment to a man who is so attached to his mama? He's gotten away with it for two years, is the status quo ok with you? Wouldn't be for me.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I agree with the other posters that this is a flag no matter how you slice it.

 

IF he is visiting his mom and not contacting you, at all(his girlfriend of two years who he is planning on building a life with) then he is being incredibly passive, which does not bode well for you. This is not something that applies as a coping mechanism to just one area of his life.

 

Or, he's not entirely honest about where he is and with whom (this has to be explored)

 

You definitely need to resolve this prior to moving to CA.

[nescafe1982]

Wow, lots of questions. Here's some answers. To put it briefly, though, I know that he is with his mother when he visits; there is no concern about another woman in his life, although I understand where those responses are coming from because it does look bad. Maybe the following with resolve that issue:

 

1) "Considering mom just moved to the US how frequently were his frequent visits?" She was living in France for two years; he visited her 3-4 times a year. He was always gone 1-2 weeks and would fall on the radar. But he always had lots of photos of him and mom in France, Italy, Hungary, etc when he cam back. If there's another woman on the scene, well, she would have had to be in Europe with him, his mom, and his step-dad.

 

2) "He can afford these trips? He can afford time off from work frequently to leave the country?" He was a grad student when we met (lots of free time); now he works in computers (lots of flexibility with hours, $). Hm, perhaps this also helps reveal a degree of social awkwardness on his part; typically, when we do have conflict it is because he is more socially awkward/scatter-brained than I. He forgot Valentines Day one year, for example (guess where he was... in France! With him mom.)

 

3) "Have you heard him talk to his mother on the phone while you are there? Seen her call on his phone while you are there?" Yes and yes. They speak a few times a week, like every other day or so. Which seems like a lot to me. He also speaks to his dad and sister once a week. But mom is clearly more of a clinger (she calls him more frequently).

 

4) "Have you told him you need him to be in contract when he is gone? Have you asked him why he doesn't contact you? What does he say?" Yes. I have brought this up to him before. When she was in Europe, he said things like "Oh, the internet connection is shaky," or "We're all in one hotel suite and I want privacy," etc. He has in the past at least reached out via email a couple times while gone... but that hasn't cut the issue for me. An email isn't the same a real phonecall.

 

5) "How did you meet? How often to you see each other? Do you spend much time with him in California? Have you met any of his friends or family? Is he a facebook friend? Have you 'googled' him?"

 

We met through online dating (we were both in my East Coast city at the time, he moved after a year). I go to California every third weekend and sometimes for a week at a time (I'm still in grad school so I'm mobile). I've met just about everyone in his family except for his mother. We're "facebook official" and he's google clean (which doesn't mean much because he has one of those common names).

 

6) "How to you make a major life commitment to a man who is so attached to his mama? He's gotten away with it for two years, is the status quo ok with you? Wouldn't be for me."

 

Good point, and I don't know. I know I will need to talk to him about this in the very near future... but I don't know what is "fair play" to ask from him. As I said, I don't really have parents so I'm not really sure what is normal. I feel vaguely like I should not be the "second woman" in his life (the mom being #1), but is that true?

 

Another couple examples:

1) Boyfriend once said something along the lines of "next time I go to France I want to bring you with me to meet my mom and step-dad." I said "great!" and he called mom up. She put the kibosh on the plan and he went solo. I was hurt that she was less enthused about it than I, but she had JUST found out about me... so I chalked it up to "maybe it's better to meet in a not Euro-Vacation setting (eg not in the close confines of a hostel for two weeks)."

 

2) More recently, boyfriend and I began early stages of planning a romantic vacation in the Eastern mediterranean. I'm going anyway (for work) and he wanted to tag along and use up some of his vacation days. Mom calls and tells him "I want you to use your vacation days to visit me in France." He books flight to visit her, tells me after the fact. I was pissed- I went to my exotic destination solo, and when he griped over the phone "man I wish I was with you," I responded "That's took bad. You could have been if you hadn't bailed on me."

 

I really think JBum and CC12 might have hit this one on the head. I know that mom really hated my BF's last girlfriend (but she was by all accounts nuts). But I get the distinct sense that his mother might be a problematic personality and have a clingy streak with her son. I worry what that might translate into once I move to California (ps when she moved back to the USA, she also moved to California. We will be a couple hours drive from her.)

[white]

Firstly, a phonecall a few times a week isn't bad. Most mothers would wish their grown up sons would call that much and more. Everything else is a mess but frequent phonecalls isn't.

 

Second, clearly it is the mother's problem first and his catering to it second. You can't solve it with her but you might solve it with him. I really don't know what to tell you. Perhaps things will change when she is more accessible. You may have to just accept that your man will visit his mother and go incommunicado sometimes. We all have our crosses to bear, our personal problems. His is a terribly clingy mother and an attitude of obedience to her. Familial relationships can be complex. You don't know why she is so controlling or why he is so enabling, there could be some unpleasant emotional incidents in the family that made it a personal code for him to stay by her.

[FitChick]

If mom is closer he will at least have the excuse of "I am busy this week but can see you next week" and won't have to spend money on plane fare. He can spend that on you at a romantic BnB in Napa Valley to make up for everything! Just make sure he doesn't let his mother know BEFORE you go. After is okay. In fact, he should be telling her all about your wonderful dates AFTER you have them so she knows very clearly that you are in his life.

[nescafe1982]

Clearly it is the mother's problem first and his catering to it second. You can't solve it with her but you might solve it with him. I really don't know what to tell you. Perhaps things will change when she is more accessible. You may have to just accept that your man will visit his mother and go incommunicado sometimes. We all have our crosses to bear' date=' our personal problems. His is a terribly clingy mother and an attitude of obedience to her. Familial relationships can be complex. You don't know why she is so controlling or why he is so enabling, there could be some unpleasant emotional incidents in the family that made it a personal code for him to stay by her.[/quote']

 

I think you might be right. I guess what I can do it tell him that it hurts me that he pulls this disappearing act, and focus less on him-and-her, and more on him-and-I. I will try to separate the two problems as you have, and deal with the part of the equation that I am actually a part of.

 

If mom is closer he will at least have the excuse of "I am busy this week but can see you next week" and won't have to spend money on plane fare. He can spend that on you at a romantic BnB in Napa Valley to make up for everything! Just make sure he doesn't let his mother know BEFORE you go. After is okay. In fact, he should be telling her all about your wonderful dates AFTER you have them so she knows very clearly that you are in his life.

 

I like this idea immensely. And both of you give me hope that some aspects of this problem might prove moot with her increased proximity. I agree that some increased information-flow control might help here. It would solidly demonstrate our solidarity as a couple while minimizing her ability to meddle (if meddling is indeed what she is doing).

 

Thanks to all who responded! I feel much better and more empowered about this situation today.

[NJtoDC]

I wanted to mention that I really enjoyed Steve Harvey's book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man". I believe he addresses this issue of mama's boys and how to handle it.

[hoping2heal]

I think after 2 years together and plans to move in, and talks about marriage and children you're owed better than you're getting. Giving you a call to check in or answering texts aren't butting into time with his mom that greatly. You're not upset at his Mom, you're upset by the way he behaves when he's leaving to go see his Mom. Make this clear that you're happy about his relationship with his Mom and how well he treats her. What's you're unhappy with is that every time he says he's going to see her he just checks out on you and that is hurtful. To be honest, I'm surprised you haven't met his Mom when he plans to have you move in yet she's so important to him? It's kind of strange.

[starrynightz45]

Let me tell you, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, RUN!!!

 

The mother is clearly a clinger. She's already causing problems, and if he isn't going to man up, then it's just going to get progressively worse. I've been in a similar relationship and his mother became the focal point of any/all of our arguments.

 

There is NO REASON for him to totally disappear when he visits her. He's an adult, not a child. He shouldn't feel the need to ignore you to make mommy feel better about him spending time with her and ONLY HER, god forbid anyone else gets any attention.

 

Biggest red flag - that she wanted thim to use the vacation time to see her instead of spending it with you, AND that he agreed to it without talking to you first. She's a stage 5 clinger, and he's a total mama's boy enabler. Trust me this will be disastrous. If he isn't willing to cut the umbilical cord when it comes to visiting his mom and choosing to ignore you, you need to get out.

[shexy]

If he is, in fact, just visiting his mom, he should be allowed to have time away from you without him constantly texting, calling, emailing you. Maybe he doesn't communicate with you while he's with his mom because he wants time with his mom.

 

I will warn against one thing - if he's a mama's boy, run now. Do not move in with a mama's boy.

[nescafe1982]

I wanted to mention that I really enjoyed Steve Harvey's book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man". I believe he addresses this issue of mama's boys and how to handle it.

 

I actually purchased this on my Kindle and gave the chapter you mentioned a read. Very interesting and it gave me a couple strategies to deal with this. Basically he says to do what a lot of you guy did in this thread:

 

Set the standard. Now, and quickly. Tell him in no uncertain terms that my man will treat me like his #1 partner, and this includes being available when I need him to be. Then I allow him to follow suit. If he doesn't do so, make good on my standards and leave.

 

I anticipate that setting my standard will work just fine. I've had to draw the line once or twice and find that as long as it's done in the spirit of mutual respect the net result is positive. Even though it feels confrontational to me (I tend to be more passive by nature), my BF does better when I tell him what I want.... after all, how else would he know? I guess I just balked for so long on this particular issue because, well, it's his mother and I don't want to compete with her. But this issue is about he and I, and mutual respect.

[Speakingofwhich]

Glad you got the Steve Harvey book as the solution you posted after reading that chapter was spot on!

 

Have two boys who always stayed in touch with gfs while visiting me. That's the norm. And we talked via phone sometimes more than once a day before they married. Now talk a couple of times a week.

[sportygirl84]

I don't know if you are still "going on strong or not with this boyfriend" BUT...from reading everyone's responses and your post, you are clearly involved into something unhealthy.

 

#1. You should of met his family within the 1st year.

#2. He should have his stuff together (financially and emotionally) to have you travel with him to California to meet his family.

#3. Communication is everything. If a person is acting shady, 9x out of 10, the person is probably shady!

#4. Life is too short on being with the wrong person that doesn't treat you how you deserve to be treated.

 

Everything you wrote in your post has RED FLAGS all over it.

 

I wish you the best but sometimes if something doesn't feel right in your gut which I assume is what prompted you write on here, there is a HUGE reason why and for it. Hopefully this has all been resolved by now but if it hasn't, you have some big considerations to think about.

 

You only get one life. Live it with someone who will respect all of you; not just pieces of you.

[Ruby Slippers]

Let me tell you, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, RUN!!!

I agree. I had to leave the man I thought was the love of my life because his family (mother and oldest brother, the primary replacement husband figure after her husband died when the kids were young) would not stop interfering in our relationship and trying to pull him away. We never argued about anything except his family. Eventually, they told me I was too independent and didn't belong in their family. My boyfriend did a poor job of defending our relationship, and it was clear nothing was going to change, so I had to go.

 

I agree it's a huge problem that he completely drops off the radar when he's with his mom. Definitely shows they have a relationship that goes beyond a normal one for mother and son.

 

You might want to check out this book: http://www.amazon.com/When-Hes-Married-Mom-Mother-Enmeshed/dp/0743291387