Dazedandconfused658 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 My husband of 19 years confessed to a "one night stand" as he called it. He had an affair with a girl he worked with. I can't find any forgiveness and I can not move on. I think about it everyday- I am sad, depressed, scared, and angry. The bad thing is he is going back to work this week as he works out of state. I don't know if he will be in contact with her or not but I feel certain if it is not her it will be somebody else. He refuses to give my any kind of security since this has happened. We have 2 children in this (16&11) my oldest has a mental disorder similiar to bi polar. It is extremely important to keep her environment secure or she goes suicidal on me. I had an amazing job last year and had to quit due to her suicide attempt. My pastor said I need to forgive him and make every effort to reconcile the marriage. I am having a hard time because he can not tell the truth and we have no foundation to build on after he destroyed me. To add to this mess I just started another job at 1/2 of the pay, have no credit and no money. I have been in pain now for over 2 months with this and I do not expect him to stay faithful in this marriage. I seriously doubt if he even loves me and the kids anymore. How do you forgive someone who destroyed you ? I loved him with all my heart and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.......
elfman Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Hello, I am terribly sorry to hear this. Did he disclose this one night stand willingly or did you discover it? If he willlingly admited to it there might be a shed of remorse on his part, and maybe even the will to change that behaviour and not let it happen again. When you say he is "unwilling to give you any kind of security since this happened", what do you mean? I suppose you mean he is not putting effort into making you trust him? Sadly there is nothing you can do when a WS wants to act out his/her fantasies, not even if you can be with them 24/7, it will just happen. Have you been to counseling other than your pastor? The main issue here is that your child has a disorder that requires your full attention, so being worried about your H being unfaithful again will certainly take a toll on you if he's out of town, I think you need to openly discuss how you feel before he leaves. I am sorry I cannot offer better advice, but it seems to me that this is just begining for you, and if you do not take an open position on it with your H, it will get better before it gets worse. Take care, and good luck. E.
Author Dazedandconfused658 Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 (edited) Thank you for your reply. I discovered and confronted him about it- he would not have told me. To make matters worse he lied over a period of several days about it- I don't know that I even have the truth now. He tells me he loves me but won't tell me he even will try to stay faithful even saying that it was not a big deal that he got drunk and got laid and I act like he is the only man in the world that has done that.....I do expect him to stay faithful to our marriage vows !! We have not gotten any form of counseling- neither one has been working and we also have financial difficulties. Thanks again for your reply. I am just absolutely lost in a sea of pain...... Edited July 6, 2013 by Dazedandconfused658
elfman Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Thank you for your reply. I discovered and confronted him about it- he would not have told me. To make matters worse he lied over a period of several days about it- I don't know that I even have the truth now. He tells me he loves me but won't tell me he even will try to stay faithful even saying that it was not a big deal that he got drunk and got laid and I act like he is the only man in the world that has done that.....I do expect him to stay faithful to our marriage vows !! We have not gotten any form of counseling- neither one has been working and we also have financial difficulties. Thanks again for your reply. I am just absolutely lost in a sea of pain...... Heya, Have you made these expectations known to him? Have you told him you DO consider it a big deal, and you DO expect him to be faithful? I would just tell him to think very clearly about what he thinks is ok in our marriage, because if not, come hell or high water next time he comes home he might not find me there, or might find the lock changed... You cannot let him slowly take you to a place where it is suddenly "ok" to cheat, because of your inaction in letting him know its not. Don't make it so easy on him, call him out on that BS straight away. I understand financials are not ideal atm for you, but you should consider at the very least using your Pastor as a mediator if you cannot get your H to sit down and talk. Take care. E.
Yasuandio Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 You do not have to forgive him. And you do not need to continue a future with him, since he is a dishonest man. You seem very clear that he is going to cheat some more and that you cannot receive assurances from him. Just because the Pastor says to forgive and to reconcile -- does not mean you have to go thru with that. The Pastor is not going to be living your life. For now -- you need to to wrap your head around this matter. No one is rushing you to decide anything. Your husband is feeling very confident -- as he knows the serious nature of the illness of your child - and your commitment to the marriage for THAT reason alone. But -- staying in a bad marriage may not be the best solution for the child with the illness in the long run. That is something you do not have to figure out at this moment. Here is what I would recommend: (1) You need to get immediate control over your emotions, pain, and get your composure back. (2) Get to the doctor for help ASAP. (3) Get to an attorney, ASAP. Don't tell the attorney anything you would not want to say in Court. The attorney has to make you tell the truth -- the attorney cannot allow you to lie. The attorney can allow you to "not speak -- that is plead the 5th." So think about what you admit to the attorney. (4) Get a private PO Box, a new computer device, a new email address, a new phone and new phone number, and a bank account in your children's names at a different bank in a different town. Basically a new identity. (5) You do need to be decreet in reseserecting your financial stability to where it was before, rather than crying over the spilt milk. Start applying for new jobs immediately - and keep your mouth shut about it. (6) Start squirring money away, via deposits thru the mail, into the children's account. Open the lining of your leather handbag, so it is undetectable, and start lining it with large bills. When the bills start adding up - you can find a good stashing place if needed. I sugest a small metal box concealed in a removable department of your vehicle. The headliner, inside the door cover, inside/behind the dashboard, behind the interior space of the glove compartment, under, inside the wheel well. There are also phoney containers you can get on-line at detective sites that look like normal food products or household items. The problem with this is if the house burned down. Another option is a good old fashion watertight steel box or mason ar buried in the dirt. Just don't let anyone see you. Do not even trust a relative with this cash. NOW -- do you need to tell the attorney this? TELL NO-ONE!. (7) Continue on as the hurt, demoralized, depressed wifey in this sham of a marriage, trying to forgive your husband. Right. Whilst preparing a new life for you and the kids. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is not the normal advice I would give someone. I say this to you because you have a severely disabled child -- and my instincts are telling me (from your post) your husband thinks he has you "between a rock and a hard place." I don't like that at all. I think you would be wise to get your ducks in a row and outsmart him over the next year or two. Now, you can work on your marriage and do 1 thru 7 above just in case. OR, you can work on your marriage and not do any of 1 thru 7 above. What does a smart working woman like you think about it? Yas 2
Techie Artist Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 OP, Sorry that you've been so hurt by H's betrayal. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. I agree with prior post that you must focus on your daughter's mental health. IMO, you need to lighten your load. Your unfaithful husband will be a lodestone around your neck until you drown. All of this is designed to destroy you, your faith, and your fruit. Don't let it. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. People misunderstand what true forgiveness is. Talk to your pastor about what it really means. You don't forgive him, act like it's okay, and let him continue to walk all over you. But you forgive him for being human (as Christ did) and then turn away from him into service for your children. Turn your back from him, get checked for STDs, and send him out. The faster you get rid of him, the faster God can deal with him. This is what I am learning in my own relationship, but I'm just dealing with a lazy, depressed man down on his luck. Let God do the work. I don't know what else to say, but I wanted to clarify the "forgive" part. TA 2
Author Dazedandconfused658 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Thanks everybody for the replies. Elfman- yes I made it clear he was on his last chance. The issue is he works in Ga for weeks at a time and the crew stays in motels through the week-(movie industry) easy to mess around -they also like to drink liquor after work....and how would I know if he screwed around ? In this industry it is perfectly acceptable to screw around on your wife as long as you don't get caught. These people have no morals and values and don't care what family they destroy. He tells me about the latest friend who is getting divorced or got caught.... He says he is coming home on the weekends- we will see I guess. He originally drove a truck for a living and went back to the movie industry so he could support us after I quit my job to care for our daughter. I have a crappy part time job right now and fully intend on getting a second to get my credit cleared up so I can take care of my kids. Thank you for your replies.....I get so deep in the pain of all of this that I can't see the obvious sometimes.
Steadfast Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 You do not have to forgive him. And you do not need to continue a future with him, since he is a dishonest man. You seem very clear that he is going to cheat some more and that you cannot receive assurances from him. Just because the Pastor says to forgive and to reconcile -- does not mean you have to go thru with that. The Pastor is not going to be living your life. True forgiveness only comes when we ask someone for it. Christ asked God to forgive those cruelly putting him to death. Only God can forgive someone who does not ask to be forgiven because He is judge. We can let go. Let them off the hook. Not forgive. You cannot forgive someone who does not want it. Your pastor needs to read up. Otherwise, you're in good hands OP. These ladies will help you. 1
Yasuandio Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 OP, Sorry that you've been so hurt by H's betrayal. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. I agree with prior post that you must focus on your daughter's mental health. IMO, you need to lighten your load. Your unfaithful husband will be a lodestone around your neck until you drown. All of this is designed to destroy you, your faith, and your fruit. Don't let it. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. People misunderstand what true forgiveness is. Talk to your pastor about what it really means. You don't forgive him, act like it's okay, and let him continue to walk all over you. But you forgive him for being human (as Christ did) and then turn away from him into service for your children. Turn your back from him, get checked for STDs, and send him out. The faster you get rid of him, the faster God can deal with him. This is what I am learning in my own relationship, but I'm just dealing with a lazy, depressed man down on his luck. Let God do the work. I don't know what else to say, but I wanted to clarify the "forgive" part. TA Forgive in time, when you are ready of, course. But I would like to emphasis that there should be no pressure, or obligation to forgive. God does not require you to forgive. Forgiving is a personal choice. And there are other options available and important considerations to ponder other than the generic "forgiving." An author who has nicely claried the various dimensions of forgiving, is Janis Abrahms Springs, Ph.D., in her book entitled, How Can I Forgive You: The Courage to Forgive and the Freedom Not To. Here she diffentiates the differnet types of forgiveness, and reasonable alternative to forgiveness. For example: Cheap Forgiveness: An inaucthentic Act of Peacekeeping that Resolves Nothing. Refusing To Forgive: A Rigid Response That Keeps You Entombed in Hate. Acceptance: A Healing Gift to Yourself that Asks Nothing to the Offender. Genuine Forgiveness: A Healing Transaction, an Intimate Dance. [Abrahms-Springs specifies that the offending party may actually have to earn Genuine Forgiveness.] I have completely read this book -- and found it highly informative. As, upon reflection, "forgiving off the cuff" over these many years, as I have done repeatedly, simply was a useless act on my part - and clearly fell under the catagory of "Cheap Forgiveness." This book is available on Amazon, used, at a very low price. I hope you find this information useful. Yas 1
Author Dazedandconfused658 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Thank you for your advice. It is really appreciated. I am going to work on taking care of my kids and working as much as I can to put back enough money to care for them. I will update as this mess progresses. Again - thank you for your time posting. Your advice is wonderful.
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