Glitz Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I'll make the back story as brief as I can. Me and my now ex fiance were together for 4 years, engaged for 9 months. It was a long distance relationship with him in Turkey and me in the UK. I'm 33 and he is 31. I went over as much as I could, I met all his family, he met my mum (tried to visit to meet the rest of my family but was refused a visitors visa because he didn't include payslips and insurance information). And we technically broke up 3 days ago. 2 weeks ago everything was fine, planning on booking a small wedding ceremony when I went over to Istanbul after Ramadan. In the space of a week, he changed. He was cold, snappy and angry. I went on his facebook to see if there was any clues - we had given each other passwords etc before, and I found a conversation between him and a male friend discussing Islam and foreign women, saying that after marriage it was difficult to change them and he should push for muslim. It would seem that after 4 years, me not being Muslim was a problem. He was never overly religious from what I could see, but suddenly he is. So 3 days ago I got to ask some questions, he told me his life needed direction, thoughts were eating away at his mind, how would he worship in Scotland, he was scared any children would be christian or another religion where they would eat pig or drink alcohol. (I'm mostly agnostic if I am being honest, too many unanswered questions for me). I was more than a little confused at this. Where had all this come from? Why now? He said he doesn't see a future and wants the relationship to end. He was so angry and cold. The anxiety was hitting me because nothing I said seemed to make a difference (and I getting desperate to avoid another break up in my life) so I asked him I asked if there was anything I could do to save us, he said no, but all during the conversation seemed to hint if I was Muslim then maybe. I don't want to be Muslim, personal choice. (I'm not trying to start a religious debate here, so please don't think I am mocking any religion). I was starting to get a bit desperate, nothing I said would thaw him. I asked him to please help me save us, he ignored that, said goodnight and left. I hadn't heard from him since then but today I miss called him (a little ldr trick we used to use to say hi without spending money), he called back but I couldn't be sure he knew it was my number, occasionally my number would come up as a Turkish number so he might have thought it was someone there. So then I text him saying I miss you and I feel stupid that I did that because obviously he didn't reply. And that brings me to here. I know realistically there is nothing I can do, he has a valid reason I guess for not wanting me, he knows I love him and miss him and its still not enough so I feel completely helpless. I see he has just shared something on facebook, so he's on and I am assuming this is where he changes the engaged status. I seriously forgot how much sheer pain is involved in breaking up.
TaraMaiden Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 delete all his details, block/de-friend him on FB, and change your number/details or download a (free) app that blocks calls/texts. Cut off all available possible avenues. Go out with friends as much as you can, and while with them, give them your 'phone.... do not get drunk (worst time ever to let your defences down!) and tell your friends that if you insist on having your 'phone back, you will foot the evening's bill.... That's an expensive 'text' in anyone's book, never mind a little ldr trick.... Oh, and I know a western woman who fell in love with a guy from Iraq... and when she went over there to visit him, he proposed marriage, and wooed her like a boss.... except his family objected, so he took her to a local market on the pretence of doing shopping, dropped her off, took all her cases out of the boot (he'd packed all her stuff without her knowing), handed her her passport and told her to go home. Then drove off, and left her. With no money, and no means of getting anywhere. Eventually, after negotiating some risky moments, (blonde British woman on her own??) some kind soul gave her a lift to the British Consulate and she eventually managed to fly home. But in spite of heroic efforts on her part to redress the balance, she never heard from, or spoke to him again, from that day. You're not alone.
Author Glitz Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Thanks for the reply Tara. I really feel for that girl, my "ex" asked permission from his dad to marry me, his dad said it was his life. But that is a horrific thing to happen to her. We did speak and although it was calmer, he did confirm my suspicions about the talk with his friend being the catalyst. That because his friend was going through hell, he was scared we would divorce. I said the usual things, they weren't us, you only know what he told you, you don't know what is going on in their relationship etc etc. We are "together", but its all broken. I could only ever agree to respect his religion, I can't agree to join it, I can't change what I feel inside about it, just as he can't change his beliefs. We are not the same people we were two weeks ago. And now I know what he really thinks/wants, I know I'm just not good enough. Its the usual heart/head conflict with me, my head knows walking away now, before we got married, had children and then it completely breaks down, is the best thing to do. My heart misses the guy he was, the one I was building a future with. The constant anxiety and stomach churning is what the killer is for me. What is everyone else who is having anxiety coping with it?
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 First of all, complete No Contact. Do not break it, and don't let him tempt you into breaking it by replying to any communications he might put your way. Secondly - brace yourself - it get a bit harder, because you'll 'hit the wall'. But You will get through it, I swear. Just whatever you do, establish NC - then never, ever break it.
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