9 years single... starting to give up

[Teknoe]

My last GF was 9 years ago when I was 20/21. Exciting time. I went after a few strong crushes in my mid-late 20s... hopeful they would work out. Got the "just a friend" speech more times than I care to count.

 

I have gone nearly 3 years without "confessing" or "dating" or "making a move." I made a semi-move last week for the 1st time in 3 years when I asked a female friend for clarity in our budding friendship. She semi-rejected my semi-confession with "Can we just be friends?"

 

The most real potential I had was with a female friend who is taken (albeit in a bad relationship). We had great chemistry, but for whatever reason, I feel like God closed a lot of doors at every opportunity I had to get closer with her.

 

At this point, nearing 30, I've kind of thrown my hands up in the air saying "God, maybe I deserve to be single."

 

I know there are certain things I need to take care of first before I can be a really good boyfriend (and then husband). Perhaps this is why things have not worked out for me... and it's something I am now willing to work on. I think before I was caught up in this fantasy land of which girl I can like next, which girl I can chase next... but always fell in the friend zone.

 

Right now I'm in "happy to be single" mode. Dunno if I've given up... I still believe one day I will be in a happy relationship and marriage... but obviously, for whatever reason, I just ain't ready NOW.

 

I guess I've accepted this. Yes. Acceptance is the stage I am in right now. I'm so tired of rowing because I feel I have been rowing against the current. And whenever a good opportunity seems to come along, something happens like she's unavailable.

 

I feel pretty alone right now. Had a couple girl friends I was talking with closely and feeling the potential, but both pretty much bombed romantically and now it's just silence.

 

Good time to gather my thoughts, make an action plan of some sort (that does not involve romance) and move forward on goals.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Leegh]

You are still young, and have lots of time. People are marrying later these days anyway. You will find someone soon. It is better to be single than to be in a bad marriage. At least you're not one of the many people who are unhappily married, as that is worse than being single. On a related noted, I've heard of places that have like five minute dating, or something like that, where you meet about thirty or so people in one evening, and sit and talk with each of them for about five minutes. I've wanted to do that myself, but I can't remember what they are called. It is time efficient and a great way to meet a lot of people in one night.

[pcplod]

You talk rather vaguely about the subject, so I frankly have no idea where you are really coming from, never mind where you might be going. However, having said that, I would pose one question to you.

 

You sort of talk about making changes to make yourself acceptable to women who might then be prepared to see you as something more than a friend. The potential trouble is that may require you to make a self-sacrifice to be something other than what you can either be capable of being or want to be purely to put yourself in this other position. That might be a risky and costly strategy, not only for you. Maybe your are fated to be what you are naturally inclined to be and that is incompatible with this other contrived state?

 

On the other hand, maybe it is a matter of being patient, looking harder for or looking elsewhere for that compatibility with who or what you already are.

[Phoe]

Nothing wrong with focusing on yourself! It's what I've been doing. 6 year single streak where things just didn't seem to go my way, but I know it won't ALWAYS be like this. It may take several more years, and I'm OK with that, because I can still be happy being the best person I can be

[Moe'sTavern]

Your giving up at 30? Really? I've always heard that the 30s are where a guy's dating prospects start to improve significantly.

[Socks At Play]

You need to start on changing whatever is affecting your "readiness" now.

 

My 20s were certainly an "I understand why I am single" time, but I don't think I'd call it happy. I was aware in my place in society with my low overall attractiveness, physically or otherwise.

 

To make a long story short, I spent a few years progressively improving aspects of myself that I felt were deficient and changeable until I could answer the question, "Would I want myself as a partner?" in the affirmative.

 

The realization of this fell into place about a year ago around my 31st birthday. At that point, any sort of ambivalence about being single came crashing down. The loneliness I'd accepted (or even embraced) so easily before became an acute problem. I now think I'm an interesting, principled person worth knowing. I'm finding some level of mutual physical attraction regularly. I have a good career. I have my own place. Now I'd like to share my newly-found wonderfulness with another wonderful person like everybody else does.

 

My final challenge is getting myself out there around women and being vulnerable enough to make the first move as society demands. Convert that smile into a small conversation and a number. Convert the the number into a date. Convert the date into a second date. I have sporadic successes but I'm still far too timid and over-thinking everything. (At this point, I consider a "success" to be just making a move in the first place.)

 

There's no time like the present to start tackling whatever issues you feel are holding you back from success.

[patrol]

Read a few books about dating and courting women. There's a ton of them out there so you shouldn't have too much trouble. Some of them are inevitably going to be PUA stuff but take what you want from them. The most important thing is you get a feeling of how girls think and how attraction works.

 

I'm a firm believer that you can make any weakness into a strength by putting in the time.

[Teknoe]

The realization of this fell into place about a year ago around my 31st birthday. At that point, any sort of ambivalence about being single came crashing down. The loneliness I'd accepted (or even embraced) so easily before became an acute problem. I now think I'm an interesting, principled person worth knowing. I'm finding some level of mutual physical attraction regularly. I have a good career. I have my own place. Now I'd like to share my newly-found wonderfulness with another wonderful person like everybody else does.

 

 

Great post with good insights. The bolded part is one aspect I feel is weighing me down/holding me back. I currently still live at home. Just got a full time teaching job one year ago, but it's a very low salary (considerably under 40K). Am planning to move out by July 2014. Would be nice to get my own place or live on my own away from my parents.

 

BTW, I guess "giving up" was a wrong way to word it. I still believe in my future prospects to find someone... but in the next 3-6 months? I don't see anything over the horizon, and guess instead of searching so hard I'm just going to chill and "accept" being single for the moment being. Maybe it's true that love will come when I least expect it. Perhaps part of my brain is shutting down romance thoughts for that very reason; maybe if I stop chasing it/expecting it to fall out of the sky, then it will come. But maybe it doesn't work that way, maybe I have to be really involved in life and happy with myself... genuinely. we'll see