dm8259 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Hello all, I apologize if this is a ridiculously long post. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I guess I need advice, but deep down I feel like I know what I have to do. I just need someone to talk to and maybe some words of wisdom. Background: I am 24 and my husband is 34. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3 years. He has 3 children from previous relationships and has half of his paycheck garnished for child support. Money has always been a problem between us. Our bills are (barely) paid, but there’s never any left over. Between working full time, going to school full time, and worrying about bills, I am stressed to say the least. Aside from the money issue, I feel as though my husband and I have grown apart over the last few years. I feel like I have developed goals and have an idea of where my life is going. My husband says that I’m not the same person I used to be. He says when I met him, I just lived my life and did what I wanted without worrying about things. Of course, that is easy to do when you are 17 and your parents pay for everything! I had no worries at all when I met him because I wasn’t an adult! I don’t think it is a bad thing that I am more mature and focused than I was as a teenager. I feel like we have no shared interests, nothing in common, we don’t spend any time together, we seem more like roommates who tolerate each other. About a week ago, my husband announced that my stress is making him miserable. He says that because I complain about money and how I hate my job, he really doesn’t like being around me and feels like a terrible husband. Until he told me that, I didn’t realize how negative my attitude is and yes, I can agree that I have been unpleasant to be around lately. He says that if money is that big a deal to me, I should not be with him because he is perfectly content making the amount of money he does and is not looking to change. By the way, he brings home approximately $14k a year after child support, I make $30k a year (I am almost done with my Bachelor’s degree and will hopefully be able to get a better job after I graduate.) He says that our financial problems are all in my head and that we are perfectly fine. We live paycheck to paycheck. We are 1 car problem or 1 medical emergency away from being completely screwed. In my opinion, that is not fine. I do not know if we can or should continue to be together when we have such different views on finances and career goals. Anyways, husband has come up with “great idea” about how to fix things. He says since I hate my job, we should move across the country to where his friends live. We could live rent free with his friends and I could find a different job. I think this is a bad idea for several reason: 1) Until I graduate and get a job in my field, I highly doubt that I’ll be seriously happy with any job I’m currently qualified for. I work in customer service. I am also very lucky to even make $30k a year, most customer service jobs I’ve seen pay closer to minimum wage. If I am stressed about my job and money, how on earth will taking a similar job for half the pay help anything? My job also has really good benefits and allows me to work pretty much whatever schedule I need to accommodate my school schedule. I don't think it would be wise to give that up,even if I don't enjoy the job itself. 2) I have no desire to mooch off of his friends. I like living on my own and being independent. I do not want to rely on anyone for my housing. 3) I am a senior in college. I do not want to transfer to another school when I am thisclose to graduating. I also do not want to move to another state and pay the out of state resident tuition. I owe enough in student loans already! I could go on and on about why I think this is not a good idea. He said that when our lease is up on our apartment in August, he is moving whether I go with him or not. So, now I am figuring out what to do. I do not want to move there. He says I never take his advice and that if I would just listen to him, I would be much happier. That’s another thing I can’t stand: he thinks he knows everything and that I should just blindly follow him. Even though I almost ready to graduate, he says my major is a horrible choice for me. He says that if I manage to graduate (thanks for the encouragement), I’ll just hate whatever job I find. Apparently because I struggled with 1 tough class, he has come to the conclusion that I am terrible in my chosen major and should just let him pick a major for me. He keeps telling me to either quit school or pick something else. Again, I am very close to graduation and have good grades. I do not understand why he is so insistent that I do something else. It’s like he refuses to believe that I enjoy my major and am at least halfway decent at it. Despite all of this, the thought of being divorced is scary. I have been trying to work up the nerve to say, fine, you move there and I’ll stay here. I just can’t get the words to come out. All I’ve managed to say so far is that I’ll think about it. And I guess I don’t want to admit that I’ve wasted most of my young adulthood and that this relationship was a mistake. I am afraid that I will continue being unhappy if I go with him, but afraid that I will regret divorcing him. I’m just lost and feel sick over this. I mean, we were happy once, can't we get there again? ughhh. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry for the length.
eleve82 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 He has given you no choice in whether you should go with him or not? frankly, it sounds like you've outgrown him. If he doesn't even respect your views, he doesn't deserve your consideration - in future it is likely he will continue to ignore your plight. Is this what you want? He is not pulling his weight as a contributor in the family and has 3 children in tow - what he needs is a reality check - without your income, he would be struggling to put his kids through school. Do not at any circumstance allow him to bully you like this! If I were you, I would call his bluff on this ultimatum and let him go if he so desires. If you end up divorcing, I hope you not end up having to help him support his children - he needs to start realising that as a father, he has a responsibility to ensure the quality of his family's life. Believe me on this - you will not have any regrets dumping someone who has no drive or ambition in life and who does not respect your opinions! 1
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 What is you major in? Hate to be the one to tell you but there are an over-abudant on college graduates in this economy that are working in jobs that they could have gotten without a college degree. More and more a four year college degree is hardly worth the paper its pretty much printed on. Indeed 80 % of the jobs out there don't require a four year college degree ~ although the do require additional education, training, and experience beyond the high school level. I live in a university ~ completing my BS in business admin ~ finance after I retired from the Marine Corps is the reason I ended up here ~ and being working on getting out every since. Per my experience college is a cultural and societial myth ~ fallacy. Short of particular majors (such as nursing which is in high demand) its pretty much more and more a waste of time, effort, energy and money. Add in student loans, one would pretty much be better off just getting a job and putting all that money toward buying a house that they can get into, afford and get paid off as soon as possible. (I'm talking about just your basic house and nothing on the extravagant side) I've seen, witnesed and heard of a lot of four year college graduates going back to trade school and getting a two-year certificate in a trade because they can't find work in their major. I know of one friend's son who has a four year degree in computer engineering from Auburn University. He worked for about seven or eight years with IBM making around $70K a year. Then he got laid off. Now he's working for a fraction of what he was making and has been forced to move back in with his parents along with his wife and two children. Putting the DH's wants and needs aside for the moment what I would suggest you look at and consider is more along the lines of looking for long term answers and soultions to what is a short, mid, and long term problem ~ taking into consideration any and all variables as the effect you as an individual. This fly in the face of the position that I normall advocate ~ but from your post its apparent the DH has gone rouge and decided to go on with or without you.
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I agree and concur with your post aasdf, and I'm glad that you were able to find a position with the pay and benefits that it has. And I'm not at all advocating the the OP stop with the pursuit of her degree. And while it can be hard, difficult if not impossible for some people to even get into college/uni, it can be just a difficult a chore to stay and complete. But what is even more difficult than the above is going back once you've dropped out for any reason. Much I would think like trying to push a locomotive down a track without any steam! Its all about getting and maintaining one's former momentum. I am an advocate of education ~ both formal and in-formal. And just like "professionals" such as MDs, attorney, teachers, nurses, and such I firmly belive and promote continuing education. I defer to a quote from Gen. W. T. Sherman ~ of the Union Army during the American Civil War. "I rather be an educated poor man than a uneducated rich man!" And to Kool Moe Dee, an earlier rapper before rap degenerated to the level that it has today. "Knowledge is King!" Regardless of one's major a college degree and some of the seemingly useless classes one is required to think does indeed make you a more well rounded, knowledgeable, conversational, and interesting person. As well it broadens you comprehension of the world about you. In the short of it, its better to have a college degree than it is not to have one. But finding gainful and meaningful employment after graduation is all together a horse of a different color. And there are too many variables in any one person's life or particular personal 'equation' to have a one-size-fits-all panacean solution to. My advice to the OP is for her to closely examined any and all of those variables and to opt for a solution which is her own best personal interests.
elfman Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Hello Dm, I am sorry to hear you're not finding common ground with your H on these issues. I can relate to a marriage being stressed because of financial issues. I was reading an article in one of the May or June (first week of June I believe) issues of TIME magazine about the "Second Wives Association of America", or something along those lines. There is work being done by women who started 2nd marriages and believe support is reducing their ability to cope with financial burdens of starting a family, you should give it a look, it is very insightful. As to your dilema, to be honest I WOULD NOT MOVE. From what you say, you have a higher than average salary for the work you do, and you are about to increase your potential through a degree. Regardless of whether or not you love your husband, moving will be a terrible idea. In my opinion any step you take forward has to be a solid one, and relying on not paying rent because of your friend's good graces is putting an important part of your life's formula outside your control. Have you sat down and talked to your husband straight about this? Why does he want to move? I am assuming he sees his kids from 1st Marriage? Is he contemplating travel expenses to be able to be with his kids if he moves? I would sit down and write a comprehensive list of pro's and con's of moving, and when I have it set up, I would LOGICALLY try to explain it to him. It is a tough choice. Another important question is: Are you contemplating divorce? Do you want to divorce? Welcome to LS, hope your situation gets better soon. E.
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 As to your dilema, to be honest I WOULD NOT MOVE. From what you say, you have a higher than average salary for the work you do, and you are about to increase your potential through a degree. Regardless of whether or not you love your husband, moving will be a terrible idea. In my opinion any step you take forward has to be a solid one, and relying on not paying rent because of your friend's good graces is putting an important part of your life's formula outside your control. I agreed Elfman! The OP is on the very cusp of moving from one very important stage in her life to another. When doing so, it is best to do so from familiar ground and one's home turf ~ comfort zone if you were? This isn't the 1840's when one just pulls up and moves hundreds of miles out West into the un-known! 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I am 24 and my husband is 34. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3 years. hmmmmm He has 3 children from previous relationships and has half of his paycheck garnished for child support. oh my he brings home approximately $14k a year after child support, I make $30k a year oh my he is perfectly content making the amount of money he does and is not looking to change flag husband has come up with “great idea” about how to fix things... We should move across the country to where his friends live. We could live rent free with his friends and I could find a different job. 1. Um yeaaaaahhh, that's an awesome idea, not. 2. Are His friends are really cool with freeloaders indefinitely? <head shaking> 2. Where do his kids live? Does moving across the country impact his parenting schedule? Or is he not involved? I am a senior in college. Finish your education. I don't care if its in Art History, a person with a degree almost always makes more over time. (well, except for Art History majors, just sayin) He said that when our lease is up on our apartment in August, he is moving whether I go with him or not. "Dont let the door hit you on the way out" the thought of being divorced is scary...And I guess I don’t want to admit that I’ve wasted most of my young adulthood and that this relationship was a mistake. I am afraid that I will continue being unhappy if I go with him, but afraid that I will regret divorcing him. You were very young when you got together with him. The balance of power was definitely in his court. You are starting to become an adult, and you are concerned about adult things, but he isn't maturing. It sounds like you have outgrown him. Divorce is scary, but I think that creating a life with someone who feels no desire to be able to support his family. What if you all have a child? You will have to support him/her without his help. You asked for advice...this looks bad. Feels like a train wreck. Best of luck to you 2
Techie Artist Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Background: I am 24 and my husband is 34. We have been together for 7 years and married for 3 years. He has 3 children from previous relationships I feel like I have developed goals and have an idea of where my life is going. My husband says that I’m not the same person I used to be. He says when I met him, I just lived my life and did what I wanted without worrying about things. Of course, that is easy to do when you are 17 and your parents pay for everything! I had no worries at all when I met him because I wasn’t an adult! I don’t think it is a bad thing that I am more mature and focused than I was as a teenager. He says I never take his advice and that if I would just listen to him, I would be much happier. That’s another thing I can’t stand: he thinks he knows everything and that I should just blindly follow him. Even though I almost ready to graduate, he says my major is a horrible choice for me. He says that if I manage to graduate (thanks for the encouragement), I’ll just hate whatever job I find. Apparently because I struggled with 1 tough class, he has come to the conclusion that I am terrible in my chosen major and should just let him pick a major for me. I do not understand why he is so insistent that I do something else. It’s like he refuses to believe that I enjoy my major and am at least halfway decent at it. And I guess I don’t want to admit that I’ve wasted most of my young adulthood and that this relationship was a mistake. I am afraid that I will continue being unhappy if I go with him, but afraid that I will regret divorcing him. Hi, DM. First, I am the child of parents who were 11 years apart. I am strongly biased against such a range. Most of the time, the elder person plays parent to their partner. Your H sounds like the classic case. Why can't he handle a woman who's his peer rather than his "do-as-I-say child"? When he ridiculed you about being a child dependent on your parents when you both met, he was plucking from the cradle! Wonder if he even thought about what was coming out of his mouth! This guy is a piece of work. Listen carefully. He sounds CONTENT with EVERYTHING staying the way HE set it up. You are growing and maturing, and he feels threatened by it. There will be no reconciliation here, to be direct and brutally honest. You are not playing your role in his twisted script. Things will only get worse as he tries to shape you into what he wants you to be. I guarantee that if you tell him to go without you he will do something rash. You are RIGHT to avoid the hospitality (mooching) of his friends. This will only make you more dependent on others. They will try to influence you and make you conform to their ways. Don't go. Finish college and pursue your career. Who is he to tell you what you can or can't do?? He is not some child's father or your master! Don't give him your power. This is entirely about power. I'm sure you're hurting, but it sounds like you know deep inside that he is not good for you. He comes with lots of issues and baggage. I know it's hard, but don't feel like you've wasted your youth with him. You have gained some valuable lessons...most of which is self confidence!! Huzzah for you! If you don't have children "for" him, you're free to run, darling.
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