Hurting0605 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Ill try to keep this short about 2 months ago I discovered my wife of 5 and 1/2 years and mother of a beautiful 1 yr old daughter was texting and talking to another guy. I was devasted and felt lost and confused. A month later I found out that she had met him and they had sex. I found this out by checking her deleted text messages. She at first denied it but quickly told me that it happened. I was again totally destroyed as she had adamitley denied that the two had actually met up other than when they met while she was out with a friend. I am truely trying to move past this with her, I don't want to lose her and my family. Since this I asked for evey disgusting detail that I was thinking and I believe that we told me the truth, even though I will never know. I constantly have imagines of the two of them together and at times have a hard time even holding her hand because of where I was and picture her hands around him. I truely love her and want this to work but at times I have my doubts. We are going to MC and I have started IC to help me talk to someone other than her. She has been open and very remorseful about the entire affair but it doesnt matter some times as I am so depressed and hurt so bad at times. I just can't believe that she could have been with someone else. We had a lot of issues in our marriage prior and I understand I'm the cause of the problems but not the affair. She says that she was unhappy and felt that I didn't care about her, I felt the same way but I didn't go outside our marriage and never would have. I'm just constantly hurtin and in pain I am just starting to have days whee I don't cry all day. I feel like she just destroyed every part of me 1
Goodbye Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 You'd probably have more luck gettind advice if you post this on infidelity section. I'm sorry you are hurting.
BetrayedH Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 You are amongst friends here. There are a lot of betrayed spouses on this board. And many have reconciled with their wayward spouses. Sadly, at two months you are just getting started (even though it has probably felt like a year). Conventional wisdom places recovery at 2-5 years. I scoffed at that when I first heard it but have come to believe that it is very much true. How long it takes depends heavily upon how much heavy lifting your wife does in the early years. I think it's best if you tell is what she has been doing (and what she hasn't been doing). Has she gone no-contact with the OM? Is she in individual counseling? Is she readily open to discussing the affair? I would also suggest that you be a but selfish in taking care of yourself for a while. I couldn't sleep for months and lost a tremendous amount of weight. Pay close attention to your health. And find other outlets, other hobbies and interests that have nothing to do with your wife or marriage. This affair had nothing to do with you but your ego suffers a huge blow regardless. Rebuild your self-confidence and self-worth. Exercise. Go skydiving. Pick something. Your wife has a lot of work to do on herself. That's her problem. You won't be able to trust or rely on her for a while. So develop a sense of independence and entertain yourself. My $.02 anyway. 2
Confused48 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Since this I asked for evey disgusting detail that I was thinking and I believe that we told me the truth, even though I will never know. This is great, that she would tell you the details so soon. A lot of cheaters would try to protect themselves, protect you, by lying about the details. They would minimize and do what is called trickle truth. Some do it in a misguided attempt to protect you. Others to protect themselves. Your wife seems to be smarter than that. It bodes well for you being able to reconcile with her. If you want that. I constantly have imagines of the two of them together and at times have a hard time even holding her hand because of where I was and picture her hands around him. This is normal. Mind movies, some call it. I'm sorry this is your fate. I truely love her and want this to work but at times I have my doubts. Keep those doubts. Tell her about them. Know that you may be better off without her. I'm trying to reconcile myself but don't know if I will change my mind at any time. As long as your wife is not in contact with her affair partner you can safely be on the fence about her. If she does contact him, cut your ties to her. If she stays no contact with him you should give yourself time to figure out what you want. Take your time and see how you feel about reconciliation or divorce. They each have their own benefits and draw backs. As long as your wife is no contact with her affair partner you can take your time to decide whether you want divorce or recon. 2
Author Hurting0605 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 She hasnt spoken with him since I found out about them having sex.... I lost m mind and contacted him from her phone.. He did call back when I had left she told me that she told him that she wanted nothing more to do with him and not to contact her. I don't think she has had any contact since than and for a short time before that also .. They stopped speaking to each other prior to me contacting him. She is not in IC but has showed interest in it and says she wants to go. I'm just always wondering if there's more that happened than what she told me, I know it really dosent matter if there's more the damage is already done I just don't want to be lied to anymore about anything. This is drivin me mad at times other times I really don't think about it as much. Just kills me 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I'm so sorry for you. As BetrayedH has said, you've got a long way to go in the healing process. It sounds like you've already got a good start. There will likely be nagging thoughts in the back of your mind for a long time to come, but I'm sure with IC and MC, both you and your wife can work things out. If you're fully committed to reconciling, I truly wish you the best in your endeavour.
BetrayedH Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I hope Confused is right about her coming clean about everything. That said, I'm sorry to say that it's pretty damn unlikely. Brace yourself for more "truth" either from her (which will still be very unlikely to be the whole truth) or to discover it yourself. What's most likely is damage control mode. 1
Steadfast Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 If it's any consolation, the why is much more important than the what. My ex-wife confessed her affair sex was wild and wicked; then added later that it took something away she wasn't expecting. To fill the void, she dated man after man. I hear she's happy to be monogamous again; she just didn't want a monogamous relationship with me. IMO, love doesn't cheat. I've been told by people they've had better sex watching porn than with their wives. The sex part is minimal. The betrayal isn't. That's the enemy.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 She hasnt spoken with him since I found out about them having sex.... I lost m mind and contacted him from her phone.. He did call back when I had left she told me that she told him that she wanted nothing more to do with him and not to contact her. I don't think she has had any contact since than and for a short time before that also .. They stopped speaking to each other prior to me contacting him. She is not in IC but has showed interest in it and says she wants to go. I'm just always wondering if there's more that happened than what she told me, I know it really dosent matter if there's more the damage is already done I just don't want to be lied to anymore about anything. This is drivin me mad at times other times I really don't think about it as much. Just kills me You will feel better when you start to take a little more control of this situation. You will survive no matter what. You will be there for your daughter no matter what. It's highly unlikely that you got the full truth. No cheater tells the full truth right off the bat, most never tell the full truth. If you get most of the truth you will be lucky. Being needy and desperate is not attractive. Crying like a baby is not attractive. If that's what you are doing, stop it. If you have to, go do it, but don't let your wife see it. Put on a brave front in front of her. Hopefully by now you have all passwords to her cell phone, email, Facebook, and the like. If not, get them. If she won't let you see her stuff, she is still hiding something from you. Look at her phone bill, see how many texts, calls and pics there were, go back to when it started, find when it ended. Buy a couple of voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty Velcro. Put one in her car and one in the house where she talks on the phone when you're not around. Monitor her for a couple of weeks. See if she confides the real truth in a girlfriend or even talks to this guy. She could have a burner phone. These things just don't usually end this quick and easy. Keep up the surveillance for a few weeks. Did she say she used a condom? Ask her to get tested for STDs and give you the results. Until she does, ask her to sleep on the couch. Ask her to handwrite a no contact letter to the other man. The letter states she wants no contact with him, that she loves you and doesn't love him, she is choosing you, and that he should never contact her again or she will file charges against him for harassment. The letter does not keep her from contacting him, but it does let you see her willingness to write the letter; if she really has not contact and is done with the guy forever, it should be no problem for her to write it. It should be handwritten, on paper, signed by her, and then given to you to mail. It should not contain any dear, any I'm sorry it didn't work out, or any type of warmth or niceness. Tell her you are still hurting badly, and you would like to try to reconcile, but not at the cost of your dignity and self respect. Tell her that because of her cheating, then lying about it, your trust level is at zero. It's up to her to show you that you can start trusting her again. Tell her you might need her to take a polygraph to prove to you that she's telling the truth about having sex just one time. Because let's face it, what are the chances you caught it after just one time? Almost every cheater, when caught, says it was just one time. They only admit to what you can prove usually. Your cheater seems no different. Does the other man have a wife or girlfriend? If he does, tell his wife or girlfriend about the affair. Even if you think the affair is over, these things have a way of starting back up again after the dust settles and you get back into a bit of a normal routine again. It's good to have another set of eyes watching, and it's the right thing to do to let his significant other know. She deserves to know the truth, just like you do. You are going to be OK. The fact that you still are as broken up as you are is an indication that she's not helping you to get over this enough. Maybe her story doesn't add up, or seems like a lie. 1
Author Hurting0605 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Ok I know they weren't talking prior because when I texted him from her phone he asked why I was writing him and that he thought "I" asked him to not contact her (at first he thought it was my wife) I've checked phone bills and everything else and found nothing for a while. He lives in another state and is 3 hrs away at best so it wouldn't be easy to meet up a lot I've checked the phone bills to the very few times she went out and they texted back and forth a lot........ why would they be texting each other if they were together? Still have my doubts now (can't blame me) just have a hard time believing what she told me about 1 time just dosent make sense that things were so quick and emotionless they talked for 3and 1/2 months constantly prior her friends are pissed at her and really aren't speaking with her over this so there's no confining in them I feel like I'm goin out of my mind over this and the details isn't really what's important it's the lying part
Just a Guy Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Hi Hurting, All I can say is that my heart goes out to you. Sorry for your pain and I hope things start working out for you which ever way you decide to go. Cheaters are the worst people on this earth as they stab the very people the are supposed to love and cherish! Warm Wishes!
Bryanp Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 You and your wife need to be tested for STD's. She has put your health at risk. You can almost guarantee that there is more to this story. If the roles were reversed would your wife be so forgiving and accepting as you have been? I have a hunch that you are a really nice guy and that your wife thought even if she got caught having sex with another man that you would forgive her instantly anyway so she really had nothing to lose. If she knew that cheating would have automatically lead to divorce do you you honestly think she would have done this? 2
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 You and your wife need to be tested for STD's. She has put your health at risk. You can almost guarantee that there is more to this story. If the roles were reversed would your wife be so forgiving and accepting as you have been? I have a hunch that you are a really nice guy and that your wife thought even if she got caught having sex with another man that you would forgive her instantly anyway so she really had nothing to lose. If she knew that cheating would have automatically lead to divorce do you you honestly think she would have done this? A good point, but I think in a lot of cases, they don't consider the consequences until after the fact. Not that they are unaware there would be consequences, when found out, but because if they tell themselves what those consequences are, they might lose their resolve to go through with it. Flawed logic, I know; it's likely more a subconscious repression of those thoughts, than a conscious effort to block them out. But, what you said is also a possibility. There are those who know full well what the consequences could be, but likely assume their partner is a doormat.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Hurting. She had said that she was unhappy and felt like you didn't care about her any longer so she cheated. You also said that you felt like she didn't care about you any longer but you didn't cheat. Have you mentioned that to her? I think that it's important for her to here that because there are other ways to solve a problem without jumping into bed with someone else and risking your marriage. Not to mention that incredible pain that she caused to you. If that's her way of thinking, you can come up with a million reasons to cheat. It's the chicken sh-- way out of facing a problem and solving it and I would let her know about it in a real decisive manner. Just saying.
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