Author leafguy Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Thx Inviv_girl, Im not sure what I want from her at this point other than no contact to let myself heal. Im forcing myself to do things, but I feel much more miserable today than I did yesterday. Maybe today should be my day to just accept it and grieve. I had plans to go to the gym, but Im feeling so sick to my stomach right now that I dont see how I am going to get up to run, let alone do anything else. Maybe I do need to force myself, but I feel so much like throwing up and just generally nauseated and stressed out.
Talulah Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Being around her is only going to cause you more anxiety. My ex put more distance between us (we lived right next door) because he knew and told me that it was bad for us to spend time together after the break-up. I have every single thing that you are not supposed to do after a break-up but I still stand firm with my belief that you do not own them any sort of friendship after y'all are done. She wants to go to the movies? tell her to go by herself. What nerve!
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Leaf No one way to grieve, but we can provide advice, things that worked for us or for friends, but ultimately you find a way that works for you. I agree you must go though it, not around. What does that mean? It means if you wanna cry, then cry. Scream then scream. Going around means you ignore and don't experience the feelings, so they actually haunt you forever. For me, I find that allowing myself too much time in the weepy zone does not help me. I have to give myself a finite time to be maudlin then force myself to do something, otherwise I would never leave the house, never get dressed, never see people. I never ever ever WANT to go and be social, but I am better for it....kinda like the gym. (Haha) so it looks like this, sleep, get dressed, go out (gym, shopping, someplace public, work) dinner, housework, weepy/crying 2 hours, comedy tv/whatever distraction, sleep, (sleep does have periods of weepy crying, don't fight it) I think sometimes its like the "fake it till you make it" approach. It will be easier when you hit the angry stage. Going out with friends and being busy, will keep you from calling her and staying NC. NC is for you. Contact = kryptonite As for the stuff of hers to return, and your stuff. Box her stuff up and ask a good friend to take it to her and do the exchange with your stuff. Any interaction (talking, texting, seeing) will set you back. Be selfish here and take care of your needs and let your friends help you. Keep posting. 1
Author leafguy Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 The everyone. Ive felt the need to cry several times and the tears just haven't come out much aside from the one big period yesterday. I found the energy to get up and Im going to the gym shortly and heading out with a friend, but sleeping last night felt so much tougher the the first night. Also trying to stomach a bit of food. My mom has volunteered to help me go through my stuff and pack it into boxes, which is nice, but Im not sure that I want to sit down and go through it yet. Maybe I should just do it, let everything out and get it done. As far as the angry stage goes, I don't think there is going to be one. After reading a bunch of stories and the GIGS thread, I have realized she needs to do these things on her own and find herself to go down her path. The biggest thing for me that I am having trouble with is accepting that I wasnt the one when I felt so strongly that she was the one for me.
Author leafguy Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I found the energy to go to the gym and I can see I feel a bit better about myself. I wouldn`t have called myself happy, but I actually felt for the first time that I could make it. I had my mom pack up the photos and stuffed animals she had bought and left around my room. That was a load off because I don`t know where she put them and they will hopefully be out of mind. I think tonight I am going to embrace the pain and put the cards, ring and all the more personal things away to be brought out later...the stuff everyone has not seen except me and her. I think if I can get through this without bending, I will be that much better tomorrow for it. Hope I can build the courage for it.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) Hint for tonite. Put your phone in a plastic bag, with a note that says no contact or whatever. Out it someplace that will take you a while to get to. Then box up the emotional stuff, cards etc. Seal that box with duck tape and put it away. Feel whatever you feel, watch a Lifetime movie, or Bambi or whatever makes you sad and give in. Thennnnnnnn.......shut it off, play some ass kicking screw-you music and play mindless video games or watch Die Hard or something before bed. Oh and the sleep / wake every three hours. You can get some herbal sleep aids or meds from your Dr. will help in the short term. If you wanna vent, come here... Edited July 7, 2013 by It-is-what-it-is. Format
aloneinaz Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Leaf, To answer you're questions, we went out for 1.4 years. We'd broken up several times this year as well but it we got back together after 10 days to 2 weeks. She was my first deep love since my divorce. Sadly, she hid some of her true personality traits until 8-9 months in and that's when the fighting and breaking up started. The last 2 months before we broke up the final time, I think she was checking out. No matter what I did for her or her kids, she'd still nit pick something else. She's very type A, controlling, quick tempered, etc. She also knew I know her issues better than anyone and I think that bothered her. 80% of or problems were due to her issues. I think I knew she wasn't for me long term months ago. I left my job and have taken time off. She was filling up a lot of that time and I didn't want to lose that so I put up with more than I should of. I left her house many, many times after spending time w/her wondering why I was putting up with such an angry, unhappy with her life, bitch. No one would put up with the way she treats people whens she stressed or annoyed. I was in a lot of pain the first two weeks. Anxiety, insomnia, couldn't sleep very well. I had almost no appetite for 2 weeks. I'm glad I didnt have to work. I didn't do much to be honest as I just was spining in my head how I could possibly be so bothered by the break up. I'd never been dumped before. I was also and am still pissed about all I did for the bitch the last three months and nothing was appreciated, it was just expected by her. At 3 weeks I got pissed. I saw her on a dating site I think after a week. I then rejoined two sites myself and FORCED myself to go on dates. IT HELPED BIG TIME. Being on the dates sites is a good distraction. It's nice to have women show interest and flirt, sext, etc.. I still am a confident guy. I know not everyone likes me and I don't like everyone either. I've been out with 8 diff girls in the past few weeks. I've slept with 4 of them. I have a great time on the dates, don't think about my ex and enjoy the compananship of the opposite sex. I had another first date last night. I REALLY like her and I think she feels the same. Great conversation, kissing, etc.. We didn't sleep together adn I'm glad. I really can't stress how much I felt like I liked her. I always compared these dates to my first with my ex. My ex and I had IMMEDIATE chemistry, attraction, etc. We were all over each other after an hour at the bar. It was great date and I didn't think I'd find that again. Well, last night I did. God it was awesome and I hope I don't screw it up and can keep seeing her. She's already texted today how much she liked me and what an awesome date it was! Fingers crossed. So, I'm at 6-7 weeks since break up and NC. How do I feel overall. I'm sleeping good again. My appetite is back. I'm enjoying the time w/women adn this new girl. How do I feel about my ex? Honestly, i think the big two things are feeling rejected, i've never felt that before as i was the one to end the others. And coming to accept that it's really over this time. I know my ex. She doesn't like to be alone. She needs a man in her life as a distraction and doesn't have many friends. I'm sure she's been out dating and I wouldn't be surprised if she's picked a guy to date. There are times I miss the nice version of my ex but the last several months, that nice version wasn't around much, only the real version of her was and it wasn't pretty.
Author leafguy Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Well guys, I made it 39 hours...then she texted. I have not responded yet, but she asked if this is what I wanted? She's worried that I have not texted and wanted to check on me. I have no clue whether to just leave it and not respond. Do I respond and just say I need time or do I ask her to meet up and talk. I don't want to say I am down in a spiral again as I am not giving in to her, but I am open to talking about things.
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Damn, did you bring your tooting horns and confetti? Since life is a party thrown in her honor I wanted to be prepared. Who knows why she's being that way but man is she ever incredibly selfish.
Minneloa Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Well guys, I made it 39 hours...then she texted. I have not responded yet, but she asked if this is what I wanted? She's worried that I have not texted and wanted to check on me. I have no clue whether to just leave it and not respond. Do I respond and just say I need time or do I ask her to meet up and talk. I don't want to say I am down in a spiral again as I am not giving in to her, but I am open to talking about things. From what you have posted, this seems like a very selfish move on her part. You told her you were going NC for your own sanity, and she is choosing not to respect your decision, under the guise of concern. I would ignore her, because what else is there to say right now? She has chosen to break off your relationship, and now she needs to face the consequences: losing you. Don't let her have it both ways by being her "friend." 3
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC Did I say NC? Maybe you should NC? Just sayin
Steelergirl Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Leafguy, I've been reading your posts because your pain resonated with me, I'm right there with you and I'm pretty much in the same timeframe as far as things ending as you are. I wake up and the reality of it all hits me and I'm gripped with a wave of hurt like I can't even describe. I want to sleep all the time just to escape it. I have to say, like everyone else, DON'T respond to her. One they've checked out, they're gone, and the breadcrumbs will only serve to prolong your hurt and pain. Just my .02. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Leaf, Don't respond. Let her feel the consequences of her decision to end the relationship. She told you she doesn't want you in her life anymore, wants to find someone else. That's a strong statement. Now, she's feeling a loss of a bit of security in knowing you might not be there anymore. You need to worry about you, not a person who doesn't want you in her life unless they are on her terms. Don't be that door mat. Give her the big ignore.
Author leafguy Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 First off guys, I want to say I greatly appreciate all the support from everyone of you. I hope each and everyone has the time to keep responding and help me through this. Never before have I thought such random people can be so supportive and so nice. It truly means alot even though I don't know anyone of you on a personal level. I just don't get it. I really don't. I was doing so well and it just went straight to my head again. I did text back to say I was working on myself and that we both need time to sort through things. She then apologized for texting and said it was a mistake. I think you guys are right. I honestly can take solace in the fact I now know its bugging her like hell too. She broke first, regardless of intent whether is genuine concern, guilt, regret, whatever it may be...she broke. I actually felt ok this afternoon before all of this....thats what upsets me is I actually saw a light for the first time and realized the worst of it is over. Then bam, kicked in the nuts and now my head is spinning again as I have no real plans tonight. I am going to vent on here because I really have no where else at the moment. She said before she got out of the car on Friday that she may not be able to go without contacting me...my question is why? If you are letting me go saying seeing me does not help the situation that you are going through, how is no contact such a problem? Either she is dead scared of regretting this decision of me moving on and being out of her life and finally realized it could happen after not contacting her for the better part of two days, or maybe she realizes that she does need me in some way. Either way I still don't understand it. I don't feel the need to cry or anything, but I have that feeling back in my stomach that I had Friday and yesterday...although not as bad. Just wish I understood the motive.
aloneinaz Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Who knows. I don't believe peoples words anymore, I believe their actions. My ex said all kind of BS the last two months of our relationship. We're life partners, I'm stuck with her through thick and then, breaking is not an option. Hell, the day of our break up, we made vacation plans and she told me 2-3 times through the day that she loved me, including 90 minutes before the argument that she broke up with me. They are words, nothing more. People tell people what they want to hear. It sucks. You situation, she's selfish. She wants you around as a fall back and she wants to date new people. F-that. Now's the time to go silent and ignore her texts and emails or calls. Unless she states she screwed up and wants another shot, ignore everything else. It is so helpful FOR YOU and your healing. I don't want to see my ex, hear my ex, know what she's doing, etc.. Its helped me heal MUCH quicker staying NC. She'll never hear from me again.
Author leafguy Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Amen to that. She needs to sort out her **** thats for sure. I think its a combo of the fear of losing a part of her life for 5 years and also a part of her realizing how good it was that might be with someone else if she realizes it to late. I don't know if it was a feeler or genuine, but I will get through it. Im taking the last step tonight as far as moving the most important items out of sight and out of my room until I can get rid of them. Right now I am just rereading everything, trying to think about it and get back to a point where I am ready to go without her again. Might set me back a day but I will be ok
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I would lay a $1000 bucks on her being scared of her decisions and wanting to keep you in her pocket. Not to say its intentional necessarily, but rather is a kinda a woobie? Problem for you is it doesn't mean that she wants to be with you. She meant what she said. That's why it's so selfish, the contact isn't for you. NC is your friend. (Re-read my posts, how would you feel today if you didn't know she called?). Block her.
Author leafguy Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I would second that bet she is scared. Is it wrong to take a bit of solace in the fact she is scared or has regret? I mean Im trying to face the reality and working on myself to break the habits of dependency of checking my phone and actually getting out every day. I welcome the night when I sleep through it without waking up three times to empty my guts and feel like I'm trapped in a vice. I know it may be a while, but despite the hour of hell, today was easier than yesterday with regards to everything. Im hoping work will help me even more tomorrow and I will be leaving my phone in the car so that will give me 8 hours to not look at it. Might even give my boss the keys so I can't.
Author leafguy Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Oh and aloneinaz, Thanks for posting your story. Mine is very similar in the fact she has very few friends and despite the fact she said she doesn't need me, I truly think she does. She bottles herself up in a shell and I am only one of two people that know her very well. The other is her lifelong friend that lives across the country. As far as dating and what not goes, I am nowhere near that stage yet lol. I am more the type to heal going out with friends rather than sleep with someone I pick up. Not judging, just I am different that way. She is the only girl I have ever been with as far as sexual relations go because I wanted to wait until I truly thought I had found the right one. I have no regrets on that issue. Just I know I will be the type that heals differently than that. I need to get back on my feet and gain confidence from the gym and flirting with the girls I know that will flirt back and I know there are a few who I am close with.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Naw, I get the comfort in knowing she's not sailing off into the sunset. I get wanting to know she has regret and is not doing the happy dance. I can tell you one thing for sure. She will absolutely wake up one day and have regret, she may even try to reach out to try to pull you back in. Only thing is...you will be over her by then. See the good thing about this horrible grief is that you lance the wound and it eventually heals. Really, this is a fact. You might actually be in a great relationship when she finally gets it. And you will think "oh how many times I wished for her to come back way back then, but now, eh, she's just someone I used to know, and it's just so sad that she hasn't moved on" She (the leaver) doesn't heal. They are not forced to resolve their feelings with the leaving. I have shared this advice with many people. I have witnessed the coming back plenty of times. People have told me I am clairvoyant, but alas no, this is human nature. And I am not a doctor, I just play one on LS. keep posting.
Author leafguy Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I can see her coming back...I really can. I knew in my gut to the point of telling people that she was going to break NC first and I wasnt sure how I was going to handle it. Im still not sure if I handled it right even by simply telling her Im using the time apart to better myself and heal. If she were to come crawling back in the short term, I might give her another chance, but shes a stubborn one and might have to much pride to do so, even if it ignores her heart.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Yep, I can see that. If she really got it and came back, you might be able to make it work, might not, but I'd be tempted, ONCE , to give someone a second chance. Might end up bring dumb, but I get it. But for your sanity...lets assume she's gotta do this. Mistake or not. And you gotta learn to get over her and move on. Mistake or not. I know you aren't there yet, put pretty soon you are going to get angry then ambivalent. You are going to be ok.
Author leafguy Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Ive been told by alot of people to not give her a second chance...parents, friends, etc all people who mean alot. I think I know deep down that I would give her one shot to work through it if she came back and wants to try and work through it. Id be scared about being burned again, but I would try it. Might be the dumbest thing I can do, but who knows. As far as getting angry goes, I was angry the night of the breakup, but after reading the GIGS post for quite some time, I realized whats the point of being angry? I don't feel any resentment or anger towards her. I had 4+ good years with her, yes the last few months sucked, but being mad at the situation I don't think will help anything. I just cleared the last personal belongings into a box, taped it up and didn't even wince. I resisted the urge to reread the cards and comments to avoid crying and threw the rings and necklaces in there that she bought me and gave back. My mom has hidden the rest and I have no intention of going into them anytime soon. All that is left is the healing, staying active and starting to enjoy life again. I never thought, even after the text this afternoon I would be able to be this far along after the weekend of hell. I might wake up again tonight at 2am, need to vent and go back to bed, but I feel like I am in a good place right now.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Not to rub salt or anything....but To maybe speed along the getting pissed phase. Did you save copies of the emails or other stuff from your X and the AP? Sometimes re reading that stuff reminds you of why you are here vs. together. I mean...there was a perfectly legitimate reason why you broke up.
Author leafguy Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Yes there was a good reason why we broke up, but I am one who does believe in everyone deserving a second chance. You can say once a cheater always a cheater, and I guess that is true, be it emotional or physical, and I think my situation was a little worse than simply hooking up with some random, but I still feel I can forgive. I can't defend her actions at all and I won't as she was the main culprit, but I have improvements in myself to make and I can focus on that rather than resent her and the situation. I remember a few emails thats stuck out and won't ever forget them, but I am past that now and no point crying anymore over spilled milk. I did that for two weeks between the giving back of the ring and the breakup on Friday. I have cried more than I thought I could and now there's that sort of peace forming with the situation and I just want to heal.
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