leafguy Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 So today, things ended officially with my long term gf of 5 years. Long story short, we broke off the engagement after she was found emotionally cheating a few weeks ago and although I ultimately forgave her, we tried to work of things, but she kept growing distant even after. Tonight I saw her for an hour and knew things were done. She has grown to distant and said it was because of wanting different things in life. She is very independent and wants time on her own as she stated she "doesn't need anyone and that I need to be with someone." It was an apt description as I need someone in a relationship to need me in their life and she wasn't it. Ultimately, she is also undecided n what she wants. I understand that its likely she will run to the other guy, but here is where my question comes in. We split amicably (as good as it could have been for the circumstances) and I wanted to go NC, which is what is going to happen, but she also stated that she wasn't sure if she was prepared for that and that she would want to maybe go to a movie sometime and wanted to leave the lines of contact open. My question is, why would someone who states that they aren't happy seeing me, want to keep contact lines open (texting daily) and also say she will struggle not contacting me and not seeing me? Right now, Im emotional, so I am not processing this correctly, so Im asking an unbiased, clear mind to explain this....is is strictly the thought of losing someone she loves on a permanent basis? Is it asking to be thought of again if she decides that she wants to come around? Ultimately, I feel she did emotionally cheat and would think long and hard before anything, but Im just not sure what the angle is here. Any help is appreciated.
Author leafguy Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Since you guys have likely seen my last post too, I slept 3 hours, woke up realizing it was over, emotions took over and now I feel like my chest is in a vice. How do you cope with the first few days after the big break up? Any tips anyone can recommend? I have no issues with accepting that I am going to cry alot, but how can I minimize the time spent thinking about it. Also, at what point is it good to meet face to face and sort out the things we have at each others places. She wants to do a couple days and meet face to face. Is it to soon? IS it better to wait longer and let feelings settle or do it sooner and just get it over with? Again, any advice is appreciated. Thx
for666 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 well first of all get occupied and fast its gonna be hard and its gonna be painful meeting her is really 2 soon you gonna feel F crazy next to her and dizzy don't do it explain to her nicely (listen im doing well and wanna continue well so lets change the date for our meeting until i feel comfortable enoth to do so) try not to contact her for sometime if she calls respond but don't engage in long talking its gonna be hard on you and if she take a little LITTLE sign that you are Craving for her (if you talk to much bla bla bla i love you bla bla bla i miss you bla bla bla im very asom sad tone bla bla bla) she gona feel it! be cool its gonna be hard couple of days but it gets better occupied your self allot! make your brain feel you have NO f Time thinking on the break up and GOOD luck
for666 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 i think she is scared of the future cos she cant really see it or ma-by gigs syndrome usellyy its so GIGS what you describe be strong and don't give up (NC be strong and try to let it go get occupied) maby in a long run you find someone new and better and maby with time you both will get together again If the relationship was good and only a 3d party was the cause of it but don't think about it do your best life is a bitch and gonna F everyone and one of us the most smart thing to do is to learn how to Co-op with every situation there is the faster you get up the better you are ^^
Author leafguy Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Thx For. Glad you replied soon. Already tired of the 3 hours sleep, wake up feeling like my chest is in a vice. Least this gives me a chance to vent to no matter who is listening. I think the NC is the only way to go and Im curious to see if she can hold out. I just won't be sure what to do if and when a message does come.
Author leafguy Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 In the scheme of things I think it is GIGS. New won out over the old and secure. I do need to do some personal work on myself with the new found time I have as I have developed a few habits that need to be rectified before Im ready to be with anyone (dependent on relationship to much with her). If it truly was GIGS, then I find it kind of ironic that the guy that will win out is everything she hates. Just a bit of insulting news on who it is. But I guess you can't help who you fall for. Sorry just venting again. Thanks again for the quick reply For. Going to do my best to get out and not think about it, but it may take a few days to accept and harness the pain.
Bozena Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Oh don't worry. It is easier for the dumper to say that she wants to be with you on friendly terms. Since she doesn't want to be near you as a girlfriend but she has no problem with you in general and seeing you as a friend. So nothing strange here. Then it is up to you whether you want to move on or end up friendzoned
Author leafguy Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 This is true. I look back at everything the last few weeks and she was done weeks ago, but when it came to letting go, she couldnt do it, and I kept holding out hope. So the friend zone will likely be far easier for her. It was for that reason I need no contact. Aside from giving back things (which I am not looking forward to an not sure how soon it will be), things are done and I need to get past it. Its the first day since and I am fighting all urges to contact and trying to avoid things that remind of her. Not sure if I just take it an hour at a time or what, but the key for me is getting past this weekend. I have deleted emails, text logs, blocked facebook feeds, everything I can do to at least get the immediate impact of her out. But as far as things go, there is so much stuff in my room, it is impossible to avoid until I can box it up.
Sneaky Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I might not be the best person to advice but here are my thoughts; she's being selfish. It doesn't matter if she is prepared for NC, this is no longer about her. She took the risk of not having you in her life by not wanting to be together with you. She can't have it both ways and hamper your progress in the meanwhile. Try and be strong and go no contact. Best of luck. 2
andilyn1 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I agree with the advice of getting occupied. I'm 3 weeks into my breakup and I won't lie, it was, and still is at times hell. Now my breakup involved my ex physically abusing me, so I'm sure that is adding to the pain. But nonetheless, try and do something, anything. You will have to force yourself at times to do something. If you're like me, all you'll want to do is sit around or lay in bed and cry. But the best thing I've done is make myself get up and face the pain head on. It hurts, it sucks, it feels unbearable at times, but we have to do it. Just hang in there. It's going to be very hard for a while. But all you can do is work on making it through. I'm right there with you, it hurts so bad, but just believe that it will get better in time. And if nothing more, keep posting and venting on here. We are all either currently going through it, or recently have been through it, and I know for me it helps to know I'm not the only one going through this pain.
Ashlaria Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 It sounds a bit like she is afraid to be alone. You have been together for 5 years, that's a long time to be in someone's life. I imagine you talked every day and knew what each other was doing. You would be her good news person, the first person she called when something happened etc. It's hard to just stop. So it looks like she is leaving the door open in case she realises she made a mistake, or if it is just too hard for her to go a day without talking to you. It is rather selfish of her and the last poster was right, it's not about her any more, it's about you. What do YOU want to do? If you think it will be easier to let go gradually, then do it. If you think a clean break is the only way you will get past it, then you must insist on NC. Think about yourself, it's not selfish, it's self preservation. I hope you find your peace x
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Initiate NC immediately. Box up her stuff and have a friend drop it off for her and collect your things as well. Not seeing her again is vital. At least until you are indifferent. It will only prolong your suffering and recovery. NC. Immediately!!
Author leafguy Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 I think that is the part that bugs me the most. We had always talked and the most we went without talking was maybe a day when we would have a fight. To give it up cold turkey is going to be tough for both of us. I am not sure if she wanted to let it go gradually or have me in her life for friend zone, or simply just to leave the door open down the road. The end result is neither one of us was happy and the NC was my choice because I wanted more than her and I don't see anyway of healing if I stay in contact with her. Even if its one or two texts a day, I won't be able to get past the fact that its over and hope that one day she might want to see me again. And the other difficult fact is out lifestyles are different. She doesnt have as many people as me in her life and I do honestly worry she is going to have a rough time getting through it...more so than me. I know I have to focus on myself and I can't worry about her anymore, but i still think I am scared to get that text from her either asking to go out or how are things going because she cant go without me either. I know I have to ignore it, but Im not sure I will be able to because of how deeply I care despite the events that have transpired.
Author leafguy Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Thx for sharing Andi. I have initiated NC and have been ok so far today. Back to the gym, going out and just generally keeping busy. I have removed everything I can to help get past it and I think Im going to deal with the pain, cry and pack up her stuff tonight. Im not sure when I will give it back or when I can see her to do so as Im not sure how the next day, week, few weeks will play out. As for right now, Im glad I have a broad network of friends I can talk to and vent to, as well as writing my thoughts on here. Im sure I will be on here every few hours when I feel the need to vent as it helps alot, allows me to clear my head and figure out everything.
flitzanu Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 it simply means that she wants you to be there waiting for when her new relationship fails. she wants to keep communication open so she has you to fall back to. i wouldn't want to be 2nd choice, would you? 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 She wants new and she wants to keep you hanging on and attached as a safety net. You do not owe her that. Separate yourself. NC, NC, NC, NC, block her. Focus on you.
Author leafguy Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Well, I hate to admit that after 20 hours I broke down and balled. Just absolutely balled. I have not contacted her and have no intentions of it, but I just got hit with a tidal wave of emotion. I have done everything I can to block her in the short term, but somehow the thought snuck in and I just broke down. I need to vent as I cried for what seemed like an eternity. My pillow was soaked, appetite gone, stomach churning. How long will it go on like this? I am just curious how long have you guys taken to accept things and get a little better with the head portion of it. I know the heart is going to hurt a long time, but as long as the thoughts don't creep in I will manage. Does it get better every day?
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Up and down. It will get better. Mostly you need to allow yourself to have the feelings, some every day. Pretty soon you will be tired of it. But it needs to come out. You need to get up, dressed and do stuff. Like work out, meet up with friends doing things. Avoid alcohol in excess it will contribute to being maudlin. Mostly.... No matter what...No contact. It will hurt you, it will make her feel better like a touchstone, but it will gut you. Recently had a friend go through something similar and after weeks of push pull contact from her x that wrecked her. We took her phone and kept it. She could only block so much so it was a way to keep her from having expectations and anxiety of contact. We became her secretaries. Nobody says you have to be available. Don't let anyone tell you to get right back into dating, huge mistake. Invest in yourself (career, physically, mentally) and your faily and friends. No contact. It wil get better. 1
Author leafguy Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Thanks itis. I have been making plans and venting to lots of people as it has helped make me feel a bit better with things. I have no issues hiding my emotions and will let it out when it comes. I just wish I could fill every hour of the day, but I need to take some time to grieve as well and get the necessary things done to remove her from my life as fast as possible to as best I can and deal with everything at a point where I can put on a brave face and not be devastated handing her back her things. No clue how long that will be but today has been a good start. I am also back at the gym after a few years to help harness some positive energy to get back to being happier with myself. I am just trying to take it an hour at a time and if I can do one day, I can do another. I just need to tell myself that for a while and eventually everything will add up. I guess I am glad to know Im not the only one and that good people are out there to listen and provide advice. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Leaf, I know its harder than hell to not speak to someone you've talked to daily for 5 years. I get it. You will get better but you're going to have to go thru some pain to get there. My ex and I broke up 3 times this year with her ending it 2 out of the three times. It was so hard on me each time. I reached out to her and we got back together the first two times after a couple of weeks. This time, she ended it again. ENOUGH! I'm done. It was really hard the first couple of weeks but got easier and easier. I'm 5 weeks NC since we ended it. She's a habit you need to break. You can do it. I'm not hurting anymore. I know she was the wrong person for me long term. I still think about her and my ego is bruised that she hasn't reached out at all, in any manner. I think she figures I wouldn't be real nice since she broke up me again or she's moved on and is happy. I think after a month of NC, you have to come to terms with "acceptance" of the finality of the break up really being over for good. Yes, there are occasions where people reconnect down the road but I'd bet the majority never do. You will get through this. This site helps. Keep posting. 1
Author leafguy Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Im not sure how long it will take to come to terms. Ive made plans for just about every night this upcoming week with various friends, but now I am wondering if I am going overboard to avoid dealing with the feelings trying to forget about it. I wish there was a right way to do it, but I have never felt this kind of pain before. It's not stress, its just a vice on my chest and my mind wanting to reach out to her and do something I know that I cant do. Im not sure what the feelings all mean yet other than I know it is over, but my heart not wanting to accept it yet. Aloneinnz, how long were you with the ex? What did you do to break the habit? Go out, sit for days until you accepted it? I know everyone is different, but curiousity for maybe some ideas. I guess on the plus side it has been 24 hours and its first day Ive ever not contacted her. Hopefully day 2 gets a little easier, although I doubt it given that is still very fresh.
Author leafguy Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Sorry guys, but I need to vent. Trying to sleep tonight and I woke up after three hours with my stomach in knots again. I don't know how to describe it. It unfortunately doesn`t feel any better or any worse than last night. It still feels just as fresh, just with a worse stomach ache. I don`t feel the urge to cry, but doesn`t change the fact at how bad the pain is, or the stress of the situation. I haven`t exactly eaten alot the last 24 hours and to have these kind of pains is horrible. The feeling of emptiness is tough to embrace. I know I need to tackle it head on and use it to get over, but it is so hard to ignore to go to sleep. I hope it gets easier tomorrow.
itto ogami Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 You have to go through this, not around. You're doing all the right things. 4 months NC for me, butnot as long as your relationship, but I know your feels. And the amazing thing is that you will get through and be shocked you felt the way you do now. But it's hard and there's no shortcutting that but focusing on yourself, especially the gym, is the right path. And stick to NC. That's the secret.
Author leafguy Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Thx itto. Im going to need a lot of vote of confidences. Its been like clockwork with sleep. 3 hours, then sick to my stomach, 3 hours then sick to my stomach. The sleeping has been sound, but waking up with the stomach in a vice is growing old fast lol. I was definately wrong about the stressful part being over. Never imagined that I would stressed to the point of wanting to throw up. How long does it take to hit? I have cried once in the day and a bit I havent talked to her. I havent had the urge since despite the sick feelings, lack of sleep and appetite. Will there be a day I just let loose constantly? Will I not cry at all? Just seems so weird that its the opposite of what I thought it would be. I thought that I would be sobbing uncontrollably like a little kid, yet I haven't. Of all the times we fought, I never got sick, even during the rough patches leading up to this. Wish I understood it all, but I guess it is too soon still. 30 hours and counting. Hope Im not obsessing this hour by hour thing
Inviv_girl Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 So today, things ended officially with my long term gf of 5 years. Long story short, we broke off the engagement after she was found emotionally cheating a few weeks ago and although I ultimately forgave her, we tried to work of things, but she kept growing distant even after. Tonight I saw her for an hour and knew things were done. She has grown to distant and said it was because of wanting different things in life. She is very independent and wants time on her own as she stated she "doesn't need anyone and that I need to be with someone." It was an apt description as I need someone in a relationship to need me in their life and she wasn't it. Ultimately, she is also undecided n what she wants. I understand that its likely she will run to the other guy, but here is where my question comes in. We split amicably (as good as it could have been for the circumstances) and I wanted to go NC, which is what is going to happen, but she also stated that she wasn't sure if she was prepared for that and that she would want to maybe go to a movie sometime and wanted to leave the lines of contact open. My question is, why would someone who states that they aren't happy seeing me, want to keep contact lines open (texting daily) and also say she will struggle not contacting me and not seeing me? Right now, Im emotional, so I am not processing this correctly, so Im asking an unbiased, clear mind to explain this....is is strictly the thought of losing someone she loves on a permanent basis? Is it asking to be thought of again if she decides that she wants to come around? Ultimately, I feel she did emotionally cheat and would think long and hard before anything, but Im just not sure what the angle is here. Any help is appreciated. You are still very fresh of the break up. Take your time to cry.. it's ok! feel the hurt and disappointment for a while. Then tell to your self to get up, dress up and go! go further to the better person of yourself and for others, move on! It is hard to friendzone an ex if we still very much in love with the person. They want to friendzone us probably because they dont feel the same way anymore to us, and to ease their guilt for dumping us. To me it is awkward to stay friends with ex- if we still love them, come on..we don;t want to know if they date others, making love to others.. etc.. etc.. and this will eventually something we will know if we stay friends with them. Best is just disappear from their life, away.. gone.. why do we have to stay to someone's life if they make it clear they dont want to be with us
Recommended Posts