Adunaphel Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 hello, I'm looking for some insight from people who have been in the situation where they were wondering whether it would be better to break up with their SO or not. Is there a way to know for sure what is the best thing to do? I love my bf but I have the feeling that if we broke up, we would be *both* happier. I am afraid that if we stay together I'll never be *really* happy. (that is: if some things won't change, and why should they?) But then, again, it might be just a feeling. It' would not be the first time I get a similar feeling and I'm glad I didn't listen to it other times. Those of you who decided to break up after being indecise about it - what was it that triggered your decision? How did you know it was time to break up (in situations where there were not OM/OW, no attraction to another person, or blatant relationship problems such as cheating)? Thanks in advance.
Papillon Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 Pyraphel, in your situation, I think a trial separation is in order. But you first have to identify what's keeping you from being really happy. Just going on a "feeling" isn't enough.
bluechocolate Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 I think at some point most people in relationships think about ending it. I know I have (thought about it that is), but I haven't ended it. It would have to be a pretty major thing for me to call it quits. We've made a committment to each other & I believe that includes working through & beyond the rough patches. I'm probably not being much help here. I agree with Pap: ..you first have to identify what's keeping you from being really happy. Just going on a "feeling" isn't enough. Some things can change, but both parties have to be willing & able for that to happen. Is it worth it to you to work on that?
Author Adunaphel Posted October 20, 2004 Author Posted October 20, 2004 Originally posted by Papillon Pyraphel, in your situation, I think a trial separation is in order. But you first have to identify what's keeping you from being really happy. Just going on a "feeling" isn't enough. After I heve identified it...what am I supposed to do with it? I guess first step would be to figure out if I have unrealistic expectations - that is, if I ask too much to my partner. If this is the case, I would probably not be able to feel really happy with anyone, ever. Then I should probably wait and see if it's just a bad period or it is just some small issue we are having at the moment that is triggering all those unpleasant feelings. Then, if those feelings don't go away, should I talk about what is making me feel not happy to my partner? Should I tell him about my other feeling, that I suspect that he too would be happier without me? On a side note, I loved "Pyraphel"-made me laugh Originally posted by bluechocolate I think at some point most people in relationships think about ending it. I know I have (thought about it that is), but I haven't ended it. It would have to be a pretty major thing for me to call it quits. We've made a committment to each other & I believe that includes working through & beyond the rough patches. If moments like this happen sometimes to most people, it already makes me feel better. You said you didn't end it.....well, did you just wait until the 'bad relationship moment' went away? Was there a specific issue that caused it all, or were it small things, or there was no apparent reason at all-you were just 'bored'? If there were issues, did you talk about them? If so, did you wait until you no longer were thinking of dumping her? (so that you would have a better perspective on those issues) I don't know if it's a good idea discussing issues when the idea of dumping your partner is crossing your mind. I think the risk of exaggerating the issues would be big.
gersanos Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 In my last relationship, I almost ended it at the first sight of things being bad for a few days. After speaking with friends, I was told that this is normal, and that l will regret it if I just end it to not deal with things. How true they were. This little "phase" of mine passed, and I knew if I had ended things there, that I would come running back within a matter of days at most. I forgot that relationships take effort and there will be ups and downs to work through. I informed my partner of this, and reassured her that I am willing to work on it, I was thinking stupid things, sorry about this, etc. Well, 1 week later she ended it because she couldn't deal with it anymore. She did it to relieve the pain, take the easy way out. I told her that I felt that she never gave us a chance, wow, she didn't want to hear that and accused me of being spiteful. Nothing I can do about it. Let her be. Sure, she probably felt great afterwards because she was "free," but I am sure that she has regretted it since, or will regret it. Either way, I hope she learns from it and even if we don't get back together one day, then hopefully she won't make a similar mistake in her next relationship. We dated 6 months were things were "perfect," and had about 2 rough weeks, then it ended. Either it's just not meant to be, or we could not resolve problems together as a couple. It was also sad how she claimed she didn't learn from our relationship. Honeymoon period was over and so were we. O, we did talk about it as well. Just how things will be different as we are switching to the next stage of the relationship, school is starting back up, etc. I "thought" that we had worked things out, but she claims that "things were just different; not the same." And yes, things were different, naturally as a relationship progresses. It's funny how someone that is so in love with you just falls out of it in 2 weeks. No effort is required in the honeymoon phase, but once that passes says they just didn't want to put forth the effort to work on it.
bluechocolate Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 from Adunaphel If moments like this happen sometimes to most people, it already makes me feel better. You said you didn't end it.....well, did you just wait until the 'bad relationship moment' went away? Was there a specific issue that caused it all, or were it small things, or there was no apparent reason at all-you were just 'bored'? If there were issues, did you talk about them? If so, did you wait until you no longer were thinking of dumping her? (so that you would have a better perspective on those issues) I don't know if it's a good idea discussing issues when the idea of dumping your partner is crossing your mind. I think the risk of exaggerating the issues would be big. Sometimes there is something specific & sometimes I'm just in a down mood, or just bored, as you put it. If it's a mood thing I rationalise my own feelings & wait for it to pass. Recently I felt we were having a rough patch because we live fairly seperate lives. At times too seperate. Like living with a ghost I felt. Rather be single with a flat mate than attached with a ghost, if you know what I mean. I waited until I wasn't feeling so negative about it & we talked. I said that we had to make the time to do something together once a week, just the two of us. Doesn't matter what it is, out for dinner, movie, walk the dog, etc. just as long as we take a few hours out of the house together. It is always surprising how things can get blown way out of proportion in your own mind & be settled so quickly with a quick heart to heart. If there were issues, did you talk about them? Always. I know what I'm like & sometimes I can "stew" over things in silence, which I don't think is ever healthy in a relationship. Even if I feel something is mundane or silly I would rather it be out in the open than festering in the dark. I think you're right about waiting until your emotions have calmed down before trying to discuss something of import. As you say, the risk of exaggerating the issues would be big, but you will have to talk about them if you want to save your relationship.
Weird Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 most people don't know when to end a relationship and instead do so on impulse when things aren't going their way or when rough spots happen. They naturally regret this later on and are too chicken and prideful to tell their ex this and go about being somewhat miserable.
Author Adunaphel Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 Thank you guys for your answers, they have been helpful !!!
Dakini Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 I love my bf but I have the feeling that if we broke up, we would be *both* happier. I am afraid that if we stay together I'll never be *really* happy. This is EXACTLY how I felt - for years I felt that. And it took me those years to conjure up the courage to end it. Ask these two questions: "Am I "IN" love with my boyfriend"? - not just - do you love him. And "Do I love him unconditionally?" This may sound simple, but it is extremely difficult, because answers to these questions are based solely on your own intuition. No matter what the problems in your relationship, if you can answer these two fundamental question, you will have your answer.
Author Adunaphel Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 No matter what the problems in your relationship, if you can answer these two fundamental question, you will have your answer. I wonder what could someone make of an aswer like "I don't know if I'm still in love with him but surely I would be if I felt more loved myself" ? I probably sound pathetic
Dakini Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Originally posted by Adunaphel I wonder what could someone make of an answer like "I don't know if I'm still in love with him but surely I would be if I felt more loved myself" ? I probably sound pathetic Red Flags!! It sounds like you are looking for outside validation, and logical reasoning for your love. Love is not logical. Its not an equation: This input does not product that output. "I will love you if....." does not work. Ever. This also implies to be that you have answered the second question: "No, my love is not unconditional." And no, I don't think it is pathetic. I think its human - but outside validation is something I believe we must overcome in order to truly give love and be loved.
Author Adunaphel Posted October 22, 2004 Author Posted October 22, 2004 Tanks for your reply. Red Flags!! It sounds like you are looking for outside validation, and logical reasoning for your love. Love is not logical. Its not an equation: This input does not product that output. "I will love you if....." does not work. Ever. It is not much "I will love you if...." but "I risk falling out of love if...." (I don't know if it is the same thing). This also implies to be that you have answered the second question: "No, my love is not unconditional." I guess it is not. I guess the logical steps are: Feeling treated badly (or at least feeling treated not well) is slowly killing my love. Real love is unconditional. Real love should not be affected by how I feel in the relationship. thus mine is not real love. What if I loved him but I thought that loving a person is not enough to be happy with him? or perhaps it is more like "I don't want to love him if I'm not feeling well with him" I'm very confused myself. I must sound really dumb And no, I don't think it is pathetic. I think its human - but outside validation is something I believe we must overcome in order to truly give love and be loved. Thanks for saying you think it's human. Really. One of the reasons why I can fall in love with someone is how he treats me. I don't know if love should work this way. I guess that when I started this thread I was in a bit of emotional turmoil. And, since I was wondering whether it would be better if we broke up, that there are a few things that I should discuss with my bf next time I see him.
tattoomytoe Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 so labling love as-insert here- does not always work. but you said you are not happy, and just the fact that you are questioning why you are still together, says a lot too. Here's a nut shell of me and my bf. i was sooo in love with him, thought of marriage etc..... well as things have progressed, we started living together, other things.... i have realized i would hate to marry him. i DO love him, but i am not in love with him. and he has even told me nearly the same thing before, that i am not "THE ONE". Here is where i get mad: since i am not the one for him and him not for me.... I am like why am i "wasting" (not that it is really a waste) my time with him, when i could be out there looking for my soul mate? So i decided i would move out-this was this month actually. The day before i left, i said well what are we going to do about us? and i blurted out that i would rather we see other people, not break up, but not be so serious. I did this also because i am afraid he will see other peolple anyways....plus like i said, i do too.....but i said it more to protect myself. well he did not want to do that. And actually, i think us not living together and not always talking everyday-tho we email each other- it has really helped our relationship, things are just way less tense, and i have old feelings for him, like when we first met, and i do love him, he is a great guy....but i am not IN love with him anymore. So....i do not really know the whole story....but it stared out as an "I am not Happy, we are not happy" thought with me too, and i know my bf was not as happy as he had been. But it may be very helpful just to take a step back, and just not be so into the Relationship, but back into yourself, and for him back into hiself... i hope this maks some sense.
Recommended Posts