New here and at the end of my rope

July 6, 2013

First off I want to say Ive lurked around here for years and have taken a lot from it. Its always been comforting to know there are others who have had to deal with the same problems that I have. My "marriage" has gotten to the point that I have to post this and get some outsider's perspectives. That being said, here goes nothing. (This is gonna be long).

I met this girl when I was 20. I had a really bad drug and alcohol problem back then, and was a real douche bag to women. We went out a few times, and soon she was preggo. I stuck around for a while, but left her soon after he was born. She fought tooth and nail to get me back, and eventually I was able to beat the addictions and we got a place together. Like all new couples who get their first place, we were deeply in love, happy, and had sex like rabbits. That led to her getting pregnant again lol. She had some health issues after the baby was born, and during that time she became a different person. The sex stopped, she was angry all the time, verbally abusive to me and the kids, and just a miserable person to be around. Fast forward several years later, and nothing has changed. Its been 8 years now, and we might make love 4 times a year. Im not allowed to touch her, especially in bed. When she does kiss me, its a peck followed by a push away. When I try to kiss her, she turns her head. Sex is a task to her, and Im usually told to just get it over with. If I do try to cuddle with her in bed, it usually results in her literally getting pissed off and moving to the couch. Shes not cheating, she just has absolutely no desire for anything physical at all. Despite that, I love her with all my heart. I decided last year that I wanted to pop the question after all these years. I purchased a ring, planned it all out and really tried to make it special. I asked her and showed her the ring, and the first words she said was "I hope they accept returns". Talk about a low blow...to this day that ring rides around in the cup holder of her car. Needless to say, she said no. Still, I keep trying. We do date nights often, do things with the kids, I work 7 days a week and still come home and help around the house. I have bought flowers and things for no real reason, nothing has worked. Recently, we had to stay in a hotel for 5 days while our house was being repaired. The kids stayed with grandma. 5 days in a hotel, just me and her, and nothing. I have tried talking to her a million times about what this is doing to me and us, and she dont care. If she does act remotely interested, she goes on the defense and starts blaming me for everything. Im usually talking to myself though because she has an iphone addiction and would rather text her girlfriends or check Facebook than listen to what I have to say. Last week I told her that I have 1 foot out the door, and this needs to change or Im gone. She refused counseling and told me that she didnt need to change because nothing is wrong. Really? I just dont know what to do anymore because I dont want to leave my kids, and honestly I dont want to leave her either. I just need to hear from some outsiders on this. Thanks in advance, and sorry for the long rant.

July 6, 2013

Thanks for your response. Everything I said is true. Hell over the course of so many uears, there is way more that I didnt see fit to post. Its constant. Just today, I came home from work and she was in the shower. I knock and tell her Im home, and a few minutes later she comes out in nothing but a towel and sits down in the chair (which is rare). Naturally I give it a few minutes and casually let the dog out, and as I walked past her I kneeled down to kiss her. She informed me to not even think about it, and got up and got dressed, then left for work. Its things like this that are driving me insane. I guess Im just gonna have to either deal with it or move on because obviously nothing is ever going to change.

July 6, 2013

Hey man, sorry to hear you're going through a rough time with your partner.

From what you've said, it seems to me your partner got pregnant at a very early age. I don't know this for sure but if she's anything like my ex, I can relate. You see, my ex and I got married when we were both 24, and we'd been together since 18. After 5 years of marriage and 1 kid, I believe (in retrospect from what I can analyze now) that she was resentful that she never explored her youth to its fullest potential, and basically blamed me for it.

Move forward 5 years and, after 10 years of marriage, she decided she wanted to try everything she hadnt, when she was 34, and boy did she, but thats another story.

If she refused counselling outright, and refused to marry you, in my opinion those are clear signs that she is contemplating separation. The "Iphone" addiction, are you sure she's talking to "girlfriends"? I would suspect someone blowing in her ear about how wonderful it would be to be together...

I know you are frustrated, but you have to find out more... the more you know the better advice you're going to get here and from friends in RL.

Hope it gets better before it gets worse.

E.

July 6, 2013

Sometimes, when family planning takes the backackwards route (or put the cart before the horse) one or both partners always have an opportunity to back down on the marital commitment arrangment. There can be advantages and disadvantages to avoiding the marriage bliss completely, people do it all the time. And, the fact that 50% or more marriages end in painful, complicated divorces (as we read about everyday on LS), may be a good arguement not to bother with the institution in the first place.

That said, if I were this young woman who bore your kids, and you came with a ring for marriage years after the fact - I think I would get sort of disgusted (I mean, it is like, too little too late). For a nice young girl, she has her nice kids, shes got your number (you made babies - and no marriage offers until now), why would she want to get commited with a guy like you? What is there to gain, at this point in time? A stupid ring - when you really needed to bank that money for the kids' college fund? It's too late for a ring, dude. That is like wearing an expensive white wedding dress for your third wedding cerimony.

Like Elfman said -- 5 years from now, ten years from now? Man, you should have tied the knot before she got away - you could have been building a real life together. Anyway, this is my conclusion: You gave her no future - and she is giving you no future. A fair proposition. Wouldn't you say? Yas

July 6, 2013

She never wanted to get married. Ive brought that subject up ever since we first moved in together, and she always said its just a piece of paper. Coming from a very traditional family, I guess I never really accepted that as an answer, or maybe I at least didnt take it as a serious one. We live a good life and while money is never easy to come by, we are doing better than many are because we both work hard for what we have and know how to save. The ring wasnt super expensive, but its nice and I honestly didnt expect the reaction I got. Granted I wasnt expecting her to pass out, but I damn sure didnt think it would piss her off. She had a pretty tough childhood and never knew her dad, and I know those issues play a big roll in her views on marriage. Also, I do keep an eye on her phone and have never caught her chatting it up with another guy. Not saying it couldnt happen because shes an attractive woman, but Ive yet to catch her. It would be a lot easier to understand if there WAS someone else to be honest.

July 6, 2013

Yasuandio you bring up some valid points on the marriage front, but I still think it's completely passive aggressive, manipulative and just plain unfair the way she's behaving.

If she feels he gave her no future and now wishes to do the same, why bother? I mean, how childish is it to punish someone for not moving on your timetable this way? Any decent human being with any semblance of common sense would be forthcoming and wouldn't just keep the thing in a cup holder.

Also, for all we know, they'd discussed the prospect early on and she didn't express a desire for marriage. Maybe she just doesn't want to get married at all and never would have. Either way, whether she feels the proposal came too late is irrelevant to her behavior. Why not just be honest with your partner and give them actual reasons for why you're saying "no"?

By the way, rings don't necessarily have to be expensive, nor do weddings.

I guess I came to my conclusions based on this guy's post about himself. He started out as a "drug addict," and a "douche bag." He got the young lady "preggo," and then "stuck it out for awhile, but left son after he was born."

But that's ok, they made up, and started housekeeping, and having "sex like rabbits." Fine, that sounds great. BUT.......She got preggo again, poster states "laughing out loud." What a riot. Subsequently, health problems after second package is delivered - and, according to poster, angry, miserable, verbal abusiveness to him and children.

So -- what is the concern to be since, and presently?

"make love 4 times a year."

"not allowed to touch her, especially in bed."

"When she does kiss me, its a peck followed by a push away."

"When I try to kiss her, she turns her head."

"Sex is a task to her, and Im usually told to just get it over with."

" If I do try to cuddle with her in bed, it usually results in her literally getting pissed off and moving to the couch."

"she just has absolutely no desire for anything physical at all."

Ok. No one, especially me, will dispute that people need intimacy to bond properly as a couple. But for a moment, consider the lack of intimacy that you are describing here, and the clarity of the fact that this young lady has no intentions of engaging in your marital proposal. What do you think that means?

You want to know what to do... this is what you ask in your post. I think you should look at the reality of your situation - and stop wanting something you do not have - and appartently are not going to have, at least in the near future. I really don't mean to hurt your feelings - but it is my habit to be straight. And, frankly, I am more concerned about her mood issues than you deminished sex life, and falure to receive an acceptance to your proposal for marriage.

Now, if you want to blame the young lady - say she is an iPhone addict, passive-aggressive, having inappropriate contacts on Facebook, blah-blah, well, have at it. She is a free agent - and over 21 - you cannot say a darn thing about her social media or iPhone contacts, you are not her husband.

You are only the father of this woman's children, you can have no other expectation other than that without her wilful participation, period. You have to wrap your head around this fact. Believe me -- getting real clear on the hard cold facts, even if it is painful, can really help you cope with emotional confusion much more effectively. Yas

PS This is just my take.

July 6, 2013

Hi Roomate.

I'm sorry to read of your troubles. I too have had problems with alcoholism in the past but I've been sober for nearly 2 years now. I have an opinion about the situation you find yourself in.

My wife left me very suddenly 3 weeks ago. Before she left the house we sat in together for a week where I tried to talk to her about why she was choosing to leave me and guess what she said every time I asked her what the problem was?

She said "everything".

Now having had what feels like a lifetime by myself to figure this out I have come to a conclusion.

When we were "performing" we have had a limited memory of just how bad we were behaving, however our partners lived through these instances with a bright and vivid recollection of the whole events.

Although we apologise and beg for the forgiveness that we eventually think we get and move on (sometimes to fail again or ultimately to beat our demons) our partners don't.

They tolerate us but do not really forgive. They harbour resentments and that is why our past is related to us in detail every time we don't live up to their expectations or we fall out about something no matter how minor.

We find ourselves unable to escape our past.

We are unable to properly move forward.

The relationship can never recover.

This is the situation I find myself in.

Have you ever asked her if this is why she is cold towards you?

I hope this may give you a different angle on your thinking.

Take care.

July 7, 2013

I can appreciate the honesty and no I dont take it the wrong way. Nobody is as aware of my mistakes early on in life more than me. I havent used drugs in nearly a decade nor have I drank to the point of getting drunk in nearly the same amount of time. I might drink a beer every now and then, but who dont. Im a totally different person than I was then. No, its not fair to blame her for everything, and I dont. However, Im also not one to hold someones past against them. If thats the case though, then shes holding things against me that happened 10 years ago. Ive stuck by her through thick and thin since and am willing to keep sticking with her. We still get along pretty well and rarely fight. Probably because over the years we both know the topics to avoid. When the tough subjects do come up, its the same conversations, same issues, and same resolutions..I can deal with it or I can hit the road. I guess it all comes down to her being completely unwilling to work on this with me. As far as Im concerned, this woman is my wife. Everything we have, we got together. We have raised our kids together. We pay the bills together. We do everything a married couple does, without the paper work. Im far more than the sperm donor you made me out to be btw.

July 7, 2013

Hi Roomate.
I'm sorry to read of your troubles. I too have had problems with alcoholism in the past but I've been sober for nearly 2 years now. I have an opinion about the situation you find yourself in.
My wife left me very suddenly 3 weeks ago. Before she left the house we sat in together for a week where I tried to talk to her about why she was choosing to leave me and guess what she said every time I asked her what the problem was?
She said "everything".
Now having had what feels like a lifetime by myself to figure this out I have come to a conclusion.
When we were "performing" we have had a limited memory of just how bad we were behaving, however our partners lived through these instances with a bright and vivid recollection of the whole events.
Although we apologise and beg for the forgiveness that we eventually think we get and move on (sometimes to fail again or ultimately to beat our demons) our partners don't.
They tolerate us but do not really forgive. They harbour resentments and that is why our past is related to us in detail every time we don't live up to their expectations or we fall out about something no matter how minor.
We find ourselves unable to escape our past.
We are unable to properly move forward.
The relationship can never recover.
This is the situation I find myself in.
Have you ever asked her if this is why she is cold towards you?
I hope this may give you a different angle on your thinking.
Take care.

You are right on track with what I think is some of our real issues. When it all comes down to it, I think she might be holding on to stuff that Ive already moved past. Im sure if you were to ask her (if she would open up) she would bring up stuff that happened years ago that I dont even think about. It sucks though, because if that IS the case, theres nothing.I can do to fix it. Ive changed as much as I can change, Ive done everything I know to do, and tried as hard as I can to make up for the damage I done when we were young. I mean I treat this woman like a goddess..its not like Im some abusive jerk to her. I guess time will tell whats going to happen, but I do appreciate everyones input.

Edited July 7, 2013 by Roomate

July 7, 2013

Seems fairly clear she checked out a long time ago, you may have come to the realization that things needed to change but you were too late. Proposing marriage whilst blatantly ignoring the fact she wants nothing to do with you would have only papered over the cracks. Lets see where I'm wrong..

Doesn't want intimacy

Barely tolerates you

You asked to marry her and she shot you down in the cruelest way possible

Refuses MC

This relationship is so horribly unbalanced. You're fighting for something that doesn't exist and hasn't been there for a long time. It's clear she doesn't respect you..you say you have one foot out the door...and then? Nothing?

You dont back up what you say

You're reduced to begging for intimacy, even a simple kiss

You know what to do but you wont do it. She knows you won't do it and so the cycle continues.

Don't you think it's time to let go?

July 7, 2013

Let me see if I can recap this and put it into Cliff Notes -

- You banged a chick in a drug haze. It may not have even been someone you would have been attracted to and liked in a sober state and She was the type of woman that bangs druggies that treat women bad.

-She gets pregnant. She approaches druggie about staying with her to raise the child.

- Druggie agrees. They play house and she gets knocked up again.

- Druggie sobers up and tries to provide a home to kids and their mother.

- Mother really wants nothing to do with him now that he is sober and is paying the bills and helping to raise the kids.

- Father buys a ring and proposes to mother (for what reason God only knows) in attempt to make it a legitimate family unit.

- Mother says no and basically discards the ring.

- Mother makes it clear she wants no form of close personal relationship with the father of her children and just wants someone paying the rent and help changing diapers.

- Father wishes to have a more meaningful relationship with mother and has offered counseling and open dialogue and made repeated offers of gifts etc which have all been refused and rebuffed by mother.

-Mother has stated clearly that she is fine with the status quo and has no desire for any further relationship with the father.

Am I missing anything here?????

July 7, 2013

This is crystal clear to an outside observer. She doesn't love you. Has no warm, romantic or sexual feelings for you and is only keeping you around so you can help pay bills and help raise the kids.

She is ok with that status quo and doesn't want any more from you so she isn't at all bothered by the lack of intimacy/romance/sexuality.

Those things are a bother and distraction and a source of irritation to her.

So two things at play here.

#1. if you want to have some kind of relationship that involves warmth, intimacy, romance, sexuality etc, it is going to have to be with someone other than her. She has declared herself through both word and deed that you are not going to get those things from her. She has been consistent, upfront, open and honest about that. Her words and her actions have been congruent. It is you that has been living in some kind of delusional fantasy world that you two may be able to have some kind of warm and intimate life together.

#2. She has declared herself to not be attracted to or have any intimate feelings for you. She is however human and does still have the basic needs for human intimacy and sexuality etc etc. you say that she hasn't cheated yet and that may be true for the moment. However if that is the case it is just a technicality that she hasn't met anyone who would have her that trips her trigger yet. The moment she meets someone that catches her eye and that will have her, her legs will be over his shoulders in mere days and she will be off to the races and you will be sitting at home doing dishes and watching the kids and you won't know what hit you.

You have two choices here. One is you can grit your teeth and live a life as roomates and coparents until she finds someone else and boots you out.

Or you can make a plan on how to amicably separate and protect your resources and assets and protect your relationship with your kids and you two can start living your own lives but remain involved co-parents from two separate households.

So basically option #1 is suck it up and live with it. and option #2 is start living the rest of your life separately from her.

July 8, 2013

Pretty much nailed it, but I was sober for a long time before our 2nd child was born. I was sober before we ever moved in together actually, but everything else is pretty accurate. I dont know..maybe Ive been i denial about the whole thing because I really do love her and want it to work. Not only for us, but for the kids. The thought of someone else just moving in and taking my place is more than I can handle.

July 8, 2013

Pretty much nailed it, but I was sober for a long time before our 2nd child was born. I was sober before we ever moved in together actually, but everything else is pretty accurate. I dont know..maybe Ive been i denial about the whole thing because I really do love her and want it to work. Not only for us, but for the kids. The thought of someone else just moving in and taking my place is more than I can handle.

Now you are starting to get real, man. When you get with reality -- then people can help you. Yes -- you have been in complete denial. It is still there (bolded part - where u try to justify yourself). Also, check yourself whenever you use the following words: "but," "maybe," "because," and "pretty or sort of." These words indicate that you are not sure of what you are saying.

Now to the "more than I can handle" part. You do not have any other choice other than to handle this. Whenever you feel like pu$$ying out - just think about your kids. The kids are the most important consideration of your entire life - and you have barely mentioned them. Has that occured to you?

OK. Try this. Stop wanting her. Refocus yourself and you attention on your children, period. Give her zero attention. Any and all attention you have direction to this woman - NOW, redirect all of it ONLY to the children. And see where that gets you. That is being a real man. Get your priorities straight. Get that ring over to the pawn shop toot-sweet tomorrow morning, and bank the money in a fresh savings account that you open in your childen's name. And tell no one about it. Do not say a word - or you will look like a bragging idiot. If she inquires about the missing ring in the cupholder -- just use a neutral phrases like, "huh?" "What?" "Uhhhhh." "Say what?" Or my former husband's favorite, "eh?"

You keep putting money into this account - get a second or even third job. That will get your mind and attention off her and the other "thingy." Just tell her, "your busy working," period, end of discussion. Keep it shut.

Now you want to become a good man? A desirable man? Things I just described are what you need to have on your mind, not where your penis is going. One of these days, an emergency will come, I promose you. And who will be there to rescue the family? You get me, dude? And by that time, you will have earned your manhood - and perhaps not desire her anymore. Yas

Edited July 8, 2013 by Yasuandio

July 8, 2013

I get what your saying, but I feel like you might have the wrong idea about me. Im not one to talk about myself, but let me fill you in on some things before you judge me so hard. First off, my kids are my life. Everything I do is for them. The reason I havent mentioned them much is because they are innocent in this and plus it didnt seem fit to talk about them on a public forum to complete strangers. Second, Im the hardest working sob you'll ever meet. I work 7 days a week. I work a full time job, own a successful side biz that I hope to one day turn into a full time thing, and also work part time at a machine shop when they need my help at night. During Christmas last year, I was also working at a place unloading trucks for extra money to help with gifts. Thats 4 jobs at one time, all for them. Yes Im overworked, exhausted, my back is that of an old man's, but I dont care because I know my family is taken care of. If that makes me undesirable or a puss, so be it but I sleep well at night knowing I gave it all I had no matter if its appreciated or not.

July 8, 2013

I get what your saying, but I feel like you might have the wrong idea about me. Im not one to talk about myself, but let me fill you in on some things before you judge me so hard. First off, my kids are my life. Everything I do is for them.

I am so releaved to know this!

The reason I havent mentioned them much is because they are innocent in this and plus it didnt seem fit to talk about them on a public forum to complete strangers.

While I am willing to accept this explanation, I believe it is more than appropriate and wise to factor the concerns of support, parenting arrangments and love for your children on a public forum that is focused on separation and divorce - and in your specific case, rejection of your mate. I assure you, for most parents participating on this forum, their usual primary concern is the affect the "break-up" will have on their children. And you can gain excellent insight by including this dimenion of your issue in your discussions with the posters in a discreet fashion.

Second, Im the hardest working sob you'll ever meet. I work 7 days a week. I work a full time job, own a successful side biz that I hope to one day turn into a full time thing, and also work part time at a machine shop when they need my help at night.

Great.

During Christmas last year, I was also working at a place unloading trucks for extra money to help with gifts.

This is no big deal -- and is to be expected, if you are short on cash during the holidays.

Thats 4 jobs at one time, all for them.

Now, don't go overboard here. I am not sure you work 3 jobs year round as this sentence suggest, much less 4. But if you do, then tell me, please, how many hours per week are you putting into each of these four jobs? And how much money do you have in the bank for emergency funds, medical/dental, and college for your kids?

Yes Im overworked, exhausted, my back is that of an old man's, but I dont care because I know my family is taken care of.

This is a good thing. Noone really cares about your overwork, exhausion and sore back (try to stop focusing on your aches and pains - a real man does his work to support the family he made without bellyaching).

If that makes me undesirable or a puss, so be it but I sleep well at night knowing I gave it all I had no matter if its appreciated or not.

I did not say that taking care of your family makes you undesirable or a puss. This is a very defensive, and dumb statement, with a big "BUT" in the middle. This kind of statement really makes you look insecure to me.

Please, try to see that I have good faith in my questions to you. I know my style is direct and non-sugar-coated. In fact, my response style sometimes "stings." There is a reason for that. Sometimes it is the only way to get someone's attention - like, fast. And you need to pay attention, like fast. There is no time to coddle you. You said yourself, desparately, "You cannot handle it anymore." What that tells me is your situation has to get turned around now. I do not know any nice-nice way to turn you around but to be blunt. And it appears I am not the only one being patently blunt on your thread - am I?

I am pleased that you read my post, and have advised me that you "feel I may have the wrong idea." From your explanation of how hard you do work, It is evident that I indeed jumped to the conclusion that you must be a poor provider based on your previous posts. For this, I want to offer you my sincere apologies - I did get the wrong idea. Due to my impressions - I perceived you as less than a real man. Based on your last post, you seem to be a decent provider for your family, and puts you in the "man catagory" in my book. Again, I am sorry for misjudging you.

That said, I want you to think about why someone like me would get the wrong idea about about this. And also - why others are having some the negaitive impressions about you. I would like you to specifically address this point in the first paragraph of your next text, if you will.

Now if you are working all these jobs, my questions:

1. Are you saving money for your children's future?

2. Are all your earnings being handed over to the woman that is rejecting you?

3. Is this woman or his relatives contributing financially to the household and children's future?

4. In what ways can you generate extra money to bank in a private bank fund/trust for your children?

5. Is the reason you work so many jbs because you have a low-earning capacity? If so, what can you do to increase your earning capacity? (That is, make more per hour, or per the time you are on the job).

6. Is your partner thrifty with the income that comes into the household?

7. What insurance policies are you carrying to protect your family?

Now, since you are not married, and have essentially ben rejected by your partner - you are also a free agent, and I think you need to start taking on that role (in my opinion). Therefore, whatever you do to increase your earning capacity, and generate more money is not something I would inform her about. Because, as I already indicated, I am proposing that you be banking this extra money in a trust for the kids.

Proposed To-Do List

(A) You also need this emergency and trust fund for your kids that I keep harping about. Perhaps this could be a separate account. Please explain how you are going to accomplish this. The first deposit to the account should be the proceeds you receive from selling the ring. This is going to be a good psychological reality check for you - and a good thing for your kids. (Reverse Strategy - attention and money now goes to children, you get me?).

(B) I would like you to draw up a "few goals" on how you can be a BETTER man. State the goal -- and how and at what point of time it will be accomplished. Are you willing to do that?

This is a start to your new life. A different focus, totally.

Now, one more suggestion. Put your old life behind you. Everyone has done something they are ashamed of in their past. We have all made stupid mistakes. As you said, this all happened a long time ago. Leave it there - and disengage yourself from this past - it is no longer "who you are" (hopefully). Never speak of it again. Never allow anyone to throw it in your face again. It is out there - we all know it, your partner knows it, and it is no longer true - so, stop talking about it. That is called damage control.

(D) Please write a two-three sentence mission statement for your life and children. This will be a mantra you will live by - do or die. It will be something that you read daily -to remind yourself what your mission is.

(and I am praying that your mission is not to try to get this girl to have sex with you again, and marry you).

I certainly hope these thoughts and little assignments will be helpful to you. Please understand, it takes a lot of time to diagnose your issues and come up with these plans - so please, take my suggestions seriously. Yas

July 8, 2013

Roomie

Yas is right on here. Nobody is saying there is a right or wrong response either. It's what you can live with, we aren't you.

Ultimately, you want everyone to be happy, you, your SO, and your children. Maybe it's just not together? You and your SO are not modeling a healthy loving relationship for your children either.

1. You can stay. She has told you she doesn't want more, so it would be Both of you knowing that it is as roommates. Co parents only.

1b. Or You can be roomies and Maybe agree to allow dating within rules (eg no involvement of children)? (I kinda hate this one)

2. You can amicably separate and work out a co parent arrangement. This would put some financial strain but you can work it out. She will likely need to begin to work, but maybe being away from the pressure to have a closer relationship would make it with it for her?

3. You can keep banging your head against the wall trying.

You seem like a nice guy. Take the ring back. Have a conversation with your SO and see where her head is at.

I think 2 is the way to go, but I am not you.

You can't make someone love you if they don't. I would not want to waste years without love to try.

Best of luck to you.

July 8, 2013

Its been 8 years now, and we might make love 4 times a year. Im not allowed to touch her, especially in bed. When she does kiss me, its a peck followed by a push away. When I try to kiss her, she turns her head. Sex is a task to her, and Im usually told to just get it over with. If I do try to cuddle with her in bed, it usually results in her literally getting pissed off and moving to the couch. Shes not cheating, she just has absolutely no desire for anything physical at all. Despite that, I love her with all my heart. I decided last year that I wanted to pop the question after all these years. I purchased a ring, planned it all out and really tried to make it special. I asked her and showed her the ring, and the first words she said was "I hope they accept returns". Talk about a low blow...to this day that ring rides around in the cup holder of her car. Needless to say, she said no. Still, I keep trying.

Talk about a glutton for punishment. You are denied sex pretty much 100% of the time, yet you think it's a good idea to propose? Brother, you need to wake the f up. Do you actually love her or the IDEA of her? She's done with you. Period. So make a plan to take care of your kids and move on with your life already.

July 9, 2013

You are right on track with what I think is some of our real issues. When it all comes down to it, I think she might be holding on to stuff that Ive already moved past. Im sure if you were to ask her (if she would open up) she would bring up stuff that happened years ago that I dont even think about. It sucks though, because if that IS the case, theres nothing.I can do to fix it. Ive changed as much as I can change, Ive done everything I know to do, and tried as hard as I can to make up for the damage I done when we were young. I mean I treat this woman like a goddess..its not like Im some abusive jerk to her. I guess time will tell whats going to happen, but I do appreciate everyones input.

I find myself here in this position after 1 month of dealing with the separation.

When I see her (which is frequently) she will tell menshe loves me and she misses me but will not entertain any talk about a return to the relationship. She will just say that we never really got on. This is what I find hard to take but if I think about what I can remember of my behaviour over those years, then I honestly can't blame her for doing what she did.

I'm trying to move on and it's difficult for sure but I can't stay in limbo forever. I've resigned myself to allow her the space to do what she wants. In the meantime I'm gonna do the same. It's a slow process but I feel small changes in how I think and feel about the situation and I know I'll be alright and so will you. It's a mixture of emotions we're up against, fear, lonliness, worry of the unknown. I try not to think of the future too much. One day at a time helps.

Take care.

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