WearyWanderer Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 (edited) We just can't seem to get it together and I'm really struggling. I feel like the relationship could end any day now. One of the last things we talked about this morning though, was going to couple's counseling. We both agreed we'd try. Good, right? Then why don't I feel good? Has anyone gone to couple's counseling? Did it help? One thing that I will own: my fear. Fear has always had a presence in my relationships. The moment when I begin to feel invested and vulnerable, the fear creeps in. I start to over-analyze and asses the state of the relationship. What happens next is completely dependent on the relationship. It either progresses in a positive light, and my fear subsides, or it is rocky and questionable, and my fear begins to consume me. The latter is happening to me right now. I am a mess. Edited July 6, 2013 by WearyWanderer
Dadremblvin Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 My ex-fiance and I went to couples counseling. I scheduled the counseling a month before when he was becoming more easily agitated. Several months before that, I had requested that he find a counselor for himself, so he had been attending individual counseling for several months, but his behavior was getting worse. I suspected that he wasn't addresssing the issues with his counselor so I scheduled the couples counseling. Two days before our first appointment he said he was leaving temporarily, but agreed to still attend the counseling sessions with me. We went to three sessions. He refused to participate in any of the activities the counselor assigned us or even to call and talk to me on the phone. At the third session when the counselor asked him some tough questions he announced that he would not be returning home and that he wanted to be single. Just to give you some history, we are 35 and 37, we were together for 4 years, we had been engaged for a year and a half but had postponed getting married because my father had passed away. We lived together for 3 years. I adored him. He left in January and I am still seeing the couples counselor once a week.
Author WearyWanderer Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 (edited) Oh, I am so sorry. It's really unfortunate that he wasn't willing to participate in any of the counseling activities. There wasn't anything you could do to change that. I hope you feel at least a little peace knowing that you did all you could do for the relationship. In my situation, the communication is there and we are both willing to take accountability and work on things personally. I fear that the issue for us is that we just might be incompatible. There isn't any amount of work that can be done to fix that. One example, when I am with someone I really care about I get into the habit of reserving most weekends for them (assuming we spend little to no time together during the week). I am excited to spend time with them, and they are my #1 priority. But, I don't feel the same coming from him. I went to visit him for the 4th (we live 45 min apart). He originally asked if I could go over in the afternoon, but then called to see if later afternoon might be a better idea. He said he didn't know what we were going to do when I got there, but I was still welcome to come earlier, and if I had any ideas of what to do, that would be great. This struck me as odd. If he were coming here, I would say "Come by whenever you're free" or "Anytime after 1 works". And, I don't care what we do, especially if it's just for a few hours before we have other plans anyway. Why even bother thinking about that? I just care that we're spending time together. I realize this might seem like a small thing, but if it's indicating an imbalance in feelings/commitment, then it's a serious matter. And, this is just one example. We're both 31. I've had several relationships lasting 1-3 years, he's had two. He has acknowledged that he is used to being single and that it will take time to adjust to having a partner. I feel uneasy and confused. Edited July 6, 2013 by WearyWanderer
TaraMaiden Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Having read your other thread, if he doesn't love you, no amount of counselling will MAKE him love you again. He will just see counselling as a way of clarifying what gives, on a safe and level playing field. Counselling isn't necessarily about keeping people together, you see. Counselling is about being direct, honest and up-front - even if it leads to permanent separation... Don't pin any hopes at all on this. It won't miraculously turn things around. It may actually prove to be the final nail in the coffin...even if it serves to only prolong the agony. Is he as keen on counselling as you are? Does he have the same objective? What does HE want to achieve, exactly?
Author WearyWanderer Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 (edited) Having read your other thread, if he doesn't love you, no amount of counselling will MAKE him love you again. This is a new relationship. We dated briefly before, twice. It's only been 4 months this time. "Love" is not a word that has been used yet. I know, most people would say to just leave. If it's not wonderful now, why bother? I'm asking myself the same question, as is he. We both just maintain that we care deeply about each other. Is he as keen on counselling as you are? Does he have the same objective? What does HE want to achieve, exactly? He is as keen on counseling. We both see counselors individually. Based upon what I've discussed with my counselor, she supports, and came up with the idea of, getting couple's counseling. We share the objective of figuring out whether we are compatible and whether we can make the relationship work. We both want to determine whether our personalities and relationship needs/dynamics are the same. We both want to make it work, but "can we make this work?" is the question. Edited July 6, 2013 by WearyWanderer
TaraMaiden Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 In that case, with respect, that's a dumb question. Only you guys can make it work, according to the investment you both decide you really feel it's worth putting in.
Author WearyWanderer Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 My original question was if anyone had gone to couple's counseling and did it help. I'm just looking to hear other people's stories and work through this. I don think that is "stupid". And if you think so, why bother responding? Anyway, we're taking a few days apart to really think things through and decide if we can continue. The "fight" we had on Thursday wasn't good at all. It's so sad, but I will be taking this time to reflect and be honest with myself. He is doing the same. I just want to do all I can to make it work because I care a lot about him and he has all the qualities I'm looking for in a long term partner. That might not even be an option anymore though. This might be the end.
Dadremblvin Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 The reason I responded to your post is because your situation sounded similar to my own. Even though my ex said he was willing to work on our relationship his actions told the true story. What I am trying to say is when I look back now at our 4 years together it is very obvious that he did not care as much about me as I did for him. Listen to TaraMaiden she knows what she is talking about. If two people love each other you don't need counseling to "make" it work. If there is no give and take between two people in a relationship then there is no relationship. If someone wants to be with you they will be with you and not question whether or not you both are compatible.
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