paigej91 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) Been seeing this guy for about 4 months. Have gone on maybe 12-15 dates total, so not even quite one date per week (both of us are busy city slickers, but I don't find this a valid excuse since I'd make time to see him 2, maybe 3 times a week). We're not official, but we had something like "the talk", but it was more of a "pre-talk" since we didn't officially decide anything. He asked me what I was doing for the 4th. I told him I was hanging out with friends, but made it sound like I'd make time for him. Then he responded telling me he was hanging out with his buddies. I didn't respond to that text until way later and said something short like "well let me know if you want to meet up later". So the day of, I asked him if he wanted to go to "x" event with me, and he said it sounded awesome, but that he was already doing "y" with his friends. Didn't respond to that. I was PISSED. Then throughout the rest of the day, I heard nothing from him. Still nothing today (which is good, cuz I'm angry). Not planning to see me on the 4th, in my mind, shows that he prioritizes his friends and partying over me and clearly is not invested enough, or he would have made it a point to see me at some point during the day (we live in the same city). I'm thinking of just dumping him completely after this. Am I over-reacting or is this completely reasonable? My friends are saying this is totally reasonable, but I wanted to get an outsider perspective. Edited July 5, 2013 by paigej91
Author paigej91 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Do him a huge favor, dump him now. What do you mean do him a favor?
Balzac Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 This kinda drama after 4 months, nah. Maybe you're under 25 but no way does any self respecting guy tolerate the drama.
Author paigej91 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 This kinda drama after 4 months, nah. Maybe you're under 25 but no way does any self respecting guy tolerate the drama. There's no drama. I haven't seen him. He doesn't know I was angry/disappointed.
Balzac Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Thankfully. Trust me he's got an idea. Just forget him.
veggirl Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I understand being disappointed but you never once said you wanted to hang out with him...why didn't you talk about that sooner if you wanted to see hiim? You told him you had plans! He's not a mind reader. I get being disappointed, like I said, I mean it'd be nice if he was like "awww I was hoping to see you" but it seems like you expected him to drop his plans to join yours. I don't think this is a dealbreaker...but I do think it's odd you guys have been dating for 4 mos and not made it official. If you were his gf my opinion on him going with friends instead would be different. but it sounds like you guys are casually dating, you had plans and so did he. NEITHER of you tried to make plans with one another in advance. 3
Balzac Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Urban dwellers often make early plans to escape the urban jungle for the 4th. It's a long holiday. Often these plans are summer rental, boating, family gathering w buddies at beach house. At 4 months I'm not seeing it. He could have invited you to Paris for 4 days but uh, that didn't happen. Too soon I say.
henderson14 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Wtf? You told him you were hanging out with friends. You treated him like an afterthought. He can't read your damn mind. You should have asked him directly if you wanted to see him that bad. And you've been together for 4 months and your not on the same page with this stuff. 4
Divasu Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I think you're just feeling frustrated by the casualty of your dating relationship and this interpreted 'let down' is taking the wind out of your sails... 5
Author paigej91 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Wtf? You told him you were hanging out with friends. You treated him like an afterthought. He can't read your damn mind. You should have asked him directly if you wanted to see him that bad. And you've been together for 4 months and your not on the same page with this stuff. I told him I had nothing planned at night in advance. But I'm certainly not going to plan on a "maybe" since he didn't make concrete plans beforehand
Balzac Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I think 4th falling on a Thursday is a factor. Most people I'm professionally:socially involved w have 4 days plus depart early Wed. Therefore, discussing only the "night" of the 4th is not relevant. Are the two of you similar professional status, similar cultural background? That may be a factor in the disconnect.
Star Gazer Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 You made plans to be with your friends. He made plans to be with his. Why is this his fault? You did the exact same thing you're angry with him about... 2
RedRobin Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 This is a perfect example of someone trying to appear 'unavailable' and having it backfire. Next time, if you want to see someone JUST SAY SO soon enough to make plans. Noone... man or woman, should be expected to read minds or beg/grovel for a date. 4
KungFuJoe Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 This is a perfect example of someone trying to appear 'unavailable' and having it backfire. Next time, if you want to see someone JUST SAY SO soon enough to make plans. Noone... man or woman, should be expected to read minds or beg/grovel for a date. OMG this. Why do some people play mind games and try to seem aloof? You think it saves you from being burned or headaches? Like it obviously did with op? 1
Dread Pirate Roberts Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Been seeing this guy for about 4 months. Have gone on maybe 12-15 dates total, so not even quite one date per week (both of us are busy city slickers, but I don't find this a valid excuse since I'd make time to see him 2, maybe 3 times a week). We're not official, but we had something like "the talk", but it was more of a "pre-talk" since we didn't officially decide anything. He asked me what I was doing for the 4th. I told him I was hanging out with friends, but made it sound like I'd make time for him. Then he responded telling me he was hanging out with his buddies. I didn't respond to that text until way later and said something short like "well let me know if you want to meet up later". So the day of, I asked him if he wanted to go to "x" event with me, and he said it sounded awesome, but that he was already doing "y" with his friends. Didn't respond to that. I was PISSED. Then throughout the rest of the day, I heard nothing from him. Still nothing today (which is good, cuz I'm angry). Not planning to see me on the 4th, in my mind, shows that he prioritizes his friends and partying over me and clearly is not invested enough, or he would have made it a point to see me at some point during the day (we live in the same city). I'm thinking of just dumping him completely after this. Am I over-reacting or is this completely reasonable? My friends are saying this is totally reasonable, but I wanted to get an outsider perspective. It sounds like you tried playing head games and it didn't work in your favor. Trying to say you're going to do X but HINT at doing Y with him...is not a direct statement of what you expect or want to happen. You should have told him you wanted to hang out from the get go. Also, I think you're kind of selfish saying he prioritizes your friends when you said you'd be with your friends yourself. I think your friends are just trying to make you go in the path of least resistance for your sake and not considering his feelings. What if he really wanted to, but you confused the crap out of him? You should start telling him what you want, directly.
Author paigej91 Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 I think you're just feeling frustrated by the casualty of your dating relationship and this interpreted 'let down' is taking the wind out of your sails... This is probably the case. It would make sense given that everyone on here is saying the exact opposite of my friends (who know the full story).
Phoe Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 This is probably the case. It would make sense given that everyone on here is saying the exact opposite of my friends (who know the full story). so what's the full story? You can't expect to get useful advice if you only post half the information. People post responses based solely on the info you give us. If you only explain part of the story, we can't help. If the story is that he asked what you were doing, and you said you were hanging with friends, and he said he was doing the same, then you "hinted" at hanging out, and got upset when he kept plans with his friends, then that's unreasonable. If there's more to it than that, then please do share! 1
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