BetrayedH Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I hear you. PL. But at the same time, he's a grown up and made decisions to betray his wife all on his own. While you may have been a partner in that betrayal, he was ultimately responsible to his wife to keep out of other women's pants. Short of raping someone, you can't force someone to cheat. He made that decision all on his own. What particularly bothers me about him is that he sent you that message. After seeing what a Dday did to his wife, he still chooses to betray her by secretly contacting you. It's despicable and he did that all on his own. I think you have some misplaced guilt over the nature of your sexual relationship. While your desire for self-harm isn't healthy and merits analysis thru therapy so you can have a healthier sense of self-worth and sex life, I see no reason for you to feel guilty that the OM went there with you. People compromise sbout sex all the time. I do some things with my GF that aren't necessarily my cup of tea but that doesn't mean that she should feel guilty for it. I'm a big boy and if I don't want to do something, I can avoid it. HE made thosr decisions. He had an agreement with his wife to stay faithful and he both broke it and lied (and is still lying). You can feel bad for your part in betraying her but he gets to own decisions for himself as well. And if you want to do right by her, that means staying away from him entirely and finding no excuses to make any kind of contact. That's my $.02 anyway. 1
Author purplelilly Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 BetrayedH, You're right, I won't contact him or respond to anything I get from him. This just is the meanest thing I've ever done to anyone as an adult, and I didn't set out to do it. Being here alone, I've just been all over and not at all what I used to be. This freedom has been my downfall, I became the type of person my stepmother accused me of being, and all the dirty names my ex used to address me. I really hope that the wife gets my apology, even if she hates me.
BetrayedH Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 BetrayedH, You're right, I won't contact him or respond to anything I get from him. This just is the meanest thing I've ever done to anyone as an adult, and I didn't set out to do it. Being here alone, I've just been all over and not at all what I used to be. This freedom has been my downfall, I became the type of person my stepmother accused me of being, and all the dirty names my ex used to address me. I really hope that the wife gets my apology, even if she hates me. Forget your stepmother and your ex. Remember that how you feel about yourself shouldn't be based on what anyone else thinks. Your self-worth and eventually your happiness needs to be grown internally. People like your xMM shouldn't be your source for feeling good about yourself, nor should they be the source of making you feel bad about yourself. It's time to set out on a new life - one that you can be proud of. You're the driver from here. And while it may be good to look back from time to time, you can't drive forward very well if you're looking in the rearview mirror all the time. Therapy is a good time to look back and analyze your past behaviors and what got you there. Try to learn why you used these poor coping mechanisms in the past so you can recognize them and avoid them in the future. A wise therapist will probably try to help you replace those poor coping mechanisms with healthy ones. Maybe it's spending time volunteering; maybe it's delving into your career or perhaps it's a hobby. I really like the idea of volunteering because it's easy to be proud of yourself when you're doing for others. But do your best to look forward. Try to make up for those mistakes from your past when you can but otherwise focus on living an honest and authentic life in the future.
LimeBlue Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 A man that truly loves you would move mountains to be with you. So true. Although some situations can make it difficult, this still comes back to the basic truth. I have read this thread. I am intrigued to know if the wife responds to you. You are doing great and should be well and truly proud of yourself. Remember - you first, the rest will slot into place once you have YOU taken care of first. And only you can do this, not him. 1
Author purplelilly Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 I sent my apology a couple of days ago, and she responded this morning. I will post my apology and her response. I had my first session today after work, and that was something I really look forward to following through with. It is just really quiet now, no friends, no family I really want to reach out to, just me. Here's my apology: K, I am so very sorry for getting involved with your marriage. Never again will I repeat those actions. I am writing this, not to disrespect your request that I keep away from your family, but as an apology. There is no justification or excuse for what I did. I shouldn't have felt the way I did, acted on any of it or said any of the words I did. I wish I could take it all back. I never should have done any of it, and I am so very sorry for the pain and hurt I caused you and your family. I was really just thinking of myself. It was not something I set out to do, I'm very disgusted and ashamed by it all. Really horrid decisions were made by me, not once thinking of how the consequences would affect others. -E (This is the only way I knew how to contact you directly, though you may not have wanted to see anything from me, I needed to apologize for what I did.) Here's her response: E I appreciate your apology. I do not feel as though I am getting the entire truth, and have questions. I am heartbroken that John was so wrong, and it really hurt to know that another woman who knows he is married would do those things. How long exactly was this going on? Where? Did you two use protection, do you have any STDs I should be aware of? What did you think was going to come of this affair? What you did was wrong on so many levels. It's a very fragile time in my life as it is, and this really pushes things over the edge. In the future make better decisions. E I do know I should be fully honest in answering her questions, I just don't know if I should disclose the things he said because she didn't ask for it, and I really don't think he meant what he was telling me in the first place. I just want to own up to what I did. I am keeping my word. I just don't know how to really explain that for me it was a friendship that got way out of hand and turned into other things that it shouldn't have. I do feel so much better that I know she read and appreciates my apology, I don't know if that's forgiveness, but it feels good. I really wish I could just be her friend, though I know that won't happen, I would like to. I know I'm going on and on, I just wish I could do more and she didn't have to be so nice to me, she could have cursed me out and I would have taken it, I deserve it. Sorry for writing so much. I better go to bed, going to be a long weekend.
BetrayedH Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I think the best path is to answer her questions directly. I don't see any reason to spend a lot of time on what he said unless she asks about it. Most of her questions are very fact-based. If you're able, I would recommend meeting with her once so that your Q&A sessions can be a one-time deal and then you can go live your life.
Author purplelilly Posted July 13, 2013 Author Posted July 13, 2013 I responded to the email and offered to make myself available to her if ever she wanted to. I still feel low for having done it. Typing it out sure didn't help.
BetrayedH Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 (edited) I responded to the email and offered to make myself available to her if ever she wanted to. I still feel low for having done it. Typing it out sure didn't help. In the short-term, I'm sure it's not going to feel good. But over the long-term, I think you'll be proud to have done what you could and I think you'll have helped the BW. Again, this is good for both of you. The alternative was to let her husband continue to lie to her, possibly forever. Not knowing the truth can be maddening when you're trying to make life-altering decisions. My hope is that this whole scenario will not be one that defines your life. You will have made a bad set of mistakes during a rough period in your life but will have done what you could to make up for them and will have learned to live differently for the rest of your days. You're doing great as far as I'm concerned. Keep going and my hope is that this will soon be behind you and you'll be looking forward to a new life. Edited July 13, 2013 by BetrayedH
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