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Boyfriend is mad I made him wait.....

ChickForHim

By ChickForHim
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Balzac Established Member

Balzac

Posted
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Wrong guy, wrong social group, the clock is ticking.

 

The issue is: he's confronting you about a topic you took off the table. He's got no respect for your boundary. That's a red flag.

  • Like 2
silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

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Something seems fishy about the OP... Sounds like a made up story, given the recent threads. :|

  • Like 4
BradJacobs Established Member

BradJacobs

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I need constructive advice on how to mend his ego without ME lookinglike a manipulative person - which I was. In the past I did have a "breezy"attitude toward sex and if John finds out (especially considering our"wait" to have sex) he will leave me.

Hard to diffuse a bomb once it's exploded.

  • Like 1
GoodOnPaper Established Member

GoodOnPaper

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A lot of guys will think the sexual chemistry isnt as great as it was with the "dirtbag Sal".

 

EXACTLY. When a woman says she wants an LTR with someone, it's not unreasonable for the bf to expect her to be more attracted to him than she was to some fling or ONS partner who supposedly didn't mean anything. Even if a guy is "nice", "conservative", or a "relationship guy", he still wants his relationship intimacy to be exciting. Even if the OP really is more attracted to the current bf, trying to explain that is going to be a very tough sell. I certainly don't understand it.

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MrNate 2.0 Established Member

MrNate 2.0

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Two posts.

 

Half the words are meshed together.

 

Do the math.

  • Like 1
Southern Cal Dude Established Member

Southern Cal Dude

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You slept with Sal faster because you were more attracted to him. Saying that you make someone wait to get them into a relationship is manipulative. This is why many guys have a date limit. When you're truly attracted to someone, you don't make them wait.

  • Like 2
kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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You slept with Sal faster because you were more attracted to him. Saying that you make someone wait to get them into a relationship is manipulative. This is why many guys have a date limit. When you're truly attracted to someone, you don't make them wait.

Yeah I gotta agree with this. The girls who were clearly wildly attracted to me, were ready to jump on me more quickly than others. The girls who kept me at bay, just didnt seem that into me. And thats including my ex whom I fell in love with, and assumed love me (her actions didnt speak as loudly as her words)

  • Like 2
joystickd Established Member

joystickd

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By that logic, if a woman has had sex on the first date with someone, she's supposed to have sex with every man from that point forward?

 

She can't learn from her mistakes?

It doesn't mean that but when you have done and not being honest about it someone will get upset.

hppr Established Member

hppr

Posted
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Thanks for your responses but they all basically say he shouldn't judge me and that he should grow up. The fact is I don't want to leave him and I am scaredthat HE will leave ME.

 

I am trying to find a way to mend what was really a great relationship untilthis week. John is not an "immature jackass." Come on.Please! I need constructive advice on how to mend his ego without ME lookinglike a manipulative person - which I was. In the past I did have a "breezy"attitude toward sex and if John finds out (especially considering our"wait" to have sex) he will leave me. That's why I didn't want tohave that conversation with him when he first brought it up

 

Assuming this is for real...

 

You're about to find out if this guy views you as the hottest girl he's ever been with...or not.

 

If you are the hottest girl he's been with, his best option, then he'll probably forgive you and come back to you. If not then he's gonna walk. He may call again and get back together every now and then but the honeymoon ship has sailed.

  • Like 2
Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

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I love these threads. Always a lively debate.

 

What irritates me about the women's responses is that they aren't making any attempt to understand our point of view on this. According to the women the OP is a troll intent on "slut-shaming" them and no reasonable man would be acting as the boyfriend in the OP's story is acting. Thing is this sort of thing goes down a lot. Yes we compare how easily you sleep with us versus how easily you slept with other guys. Whether you think it is "fair" or not.

 

Where's Quiet Storm when we need her?

 

We are on a reptilian level evaluating how likely we are to be cuckolded. See if you get pregnant then we know the baby is yours but we aren't positive the baby is ours. If you slept with other guys faster than you did us then it doesn't look good.

 

OP I think your coffee meeting is going to be a tough one. If you really want to save this you might want to come bearing gifts.

 

Here is an analogy. You meet and connect with a guy and find yourself in a serious relationship with him. Now "John" isn't very romantic with you but he is a good solid guy and thats what really matters right? It is until you run into "Sally" whom you think of as a selfish airhead. You find out that your unromantic John dated Sally before he met you and when he did, was writing Sally poetry and bringing her flowers. NOW how do you feel about your relationship with John now?

Edited by Imajerk17
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hppr Established Member

hppr

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Like Carrie said, do not apologize, you did nothing wrong by taking control of what you do with your body.

 

If this guy is decent at all, he may be unhappy but he will respect that you have a new approach to life.

 

LOL some of these posts are pure comedy.

 

edit: understanding men in the context of sex means realizing that us guys are all paranoid about being cuckolded. It's just reality. You get past this by creating TRUST, and creating trust means honesty, not lying, playing games, or hiding things, at least as much as is reasonable.

Edited by hppr
  • Like 2
kaylan Established Member

kaylan

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Everything Imajerk17 said two posts up is spot on, especially the ending analogy. Heres another.

 

Lets say Im exclusively dating a girl for about a few months. Things are going well, theres good emotional connection and physical intimacy, and we are close to saying the L word.

 

So lets say she has a girls night out one day with her friends, and friends of her friends (new acquaintances). Now lets say they all start talking about sex at some point in the evening, and recounting the facts of the best sex they ever had. As the girls share their story, one girl that my gf just met mentions an encounter with a really sexy guy she had only met a couple times before they bumped into one another in a local bar.

 

The girl proceeds to share a steamy recounting of few sex-capades with the sexy guy. She mentions the way he speaks to her, the way he touches her, the way he made her feel. And she finishes up her story by mentioning "he had a really cool heart tattoo on his chest with a lightning bolt through it". Now my girlfriend asks what the guys hair was like, and when the other girl replies, my girlfriend walks out of the bar in shock.

 

Later we have a conversation about it and shes upset at how I could make screw some girl I barely knew (and didnt have a relationship with) and make her feel in a similar way to the way I make her feel when we make love.

 

Tell me girls, how would you feel if you were that girlfriend? Knowing that a guy like me is a very passionate and generous lover inside and outside of relationships? Would you feel that diminished what we have together?

 

My point is that finding out from someone else, that the person you cared about screw them, just hurts. People dont like knowing the faces of someone their lover screwed in the past. And it can hurt even more to know the person you care about just jumped into bed without them quickly without a care in the world. Its even worse when that person your mate slept with is someone you dont have a high opinion of.

Edited by kaylan
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TheZebra Established Member

TheZebra

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You slept with Sal faster because you were more attracted to him. Saying that you make someone wait to get them into a relationship is manipulative. This is why many guys have a date limit. When you're truly attracted to someone, you don't make them wait.

 

Having a date limit is equally stupid. Everyone is different and everyone's views on dates is different.

 

I don't have a 'date limit' for a guy and I like to wait until a relationship is established before sleeping with a guy. So sue me.

 

Sorry, but if a guy is worried that the girl is sleeping with other dudes or some other BS, then that's an insecure guy, dating a woman he probably doesn't get along with in the first place (if that's a legitimate concern). lol, there's just so many issues with that line of thought... but hey, I guess some guys are just insecure.

Southern Cal Dude Established Member

Southern Cal Dude

Posted
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Having a date limit is equally stupid. Everyone is different and everyone's views on dates is different.

 

I don't have a 'date limit' for a guy and I like to wait until a relationship is established before sleeping with a guy. So sue me.

 

Sorry, but if a guy is worried that the girl is sleeping with other dudes or some other BS, then that's an insecure guy, dating a woman he probably doesn't get along with in the first place (if that's a legitimate concern). lol, there's just so many issues with that line of thought... but hey, I guess some guys are just insecure.

 

 

It's reality. There's no reason not to have sex if you're both highly attracted to each other. Confident men have options and don't need to stick around if there's no sex. Actions always speak louder than words. ALWAYS.

  • Like 1
joystickd Established Member

joystickd

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Another reason he is mad because since he didn't hear it from you but Sal that now these guys may bust his balls about waiting. The thing is to be honest in the beginning. You don't have to be detailed but you have to acknowledge that you did things in your life that you are trying to change. That's the funny thing about not talking about your past it has a way of coming out.

  • Like 2
SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

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She was dating both of them at the same time in the beginning a la "He found out that I had "dated" a guy he knows tangentially". Dirt bag Sal got the goodies while John got blue balls becuase she was conforming to his (conservative) behavior.

 

This reminds me of some of the threads that pop up here now and again where a man posts his GF won't do xyz with him but found out she did everything under the sun with past men. Ninjainpajamas had a great point in that some women will conform to the men becuase they don't want to lose them and be judged as xyz. Mind you the men want to do xyz.

  • Like 1
SJC2008 Established Member

SJC2008

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If it were me my number one problem would be that she had sex with someone while we were dating. CarrieT had a great point in that she told a man she was dating that she wants to try to waiting this time instead of rushing into things. That's being conguent, she's not hiding anything and notice she did't have to go into details about her past to make her point.

rocketman122 Established Member

rocketman122

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I will agree with many here. I would drop you fast. what you did was wrong.

  • Like 2
RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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We are on a reptilian level...

 

There, fixed it for you...

 

These issues are yours to deal with... not women.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

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She was dating both of them at the same time in the beginning

 

No, there is nothing in the original post that leads me to believe she was multi-dating/multi-sexing.

 

If she no longer believes in having sex early or ONS, then the OP's current approach is entirely consistent with the new path she wants to take in her life... which necessarily includes men who will agree to wait or even prefer to wait until a relationship is established before having sex.

 

A man who truly shares her new values would not only NOT be upset about that... they would be happy she shared his values as well.

 

If he gets mad, then all that shows is that he doesn't believe in waiting for a relationship to be established before sex... and maybe she has something to worry about from HIM if he takes sex so casually and insists she should have had casual sex with him too. Yuck.

anna121 Established Member

anna121

Posted
Posted (edited)
Thanks for your responses but they all basically say he shouldn't judge me and that he should grow up. The fact is I don't want to leave him and I am scaredthat HE will leave ME.

 

I am trying to find a way to mend what was really a great relationship untilthis week. John is not an "immature jackass." Come on.Please! I need constructive advice on how to mend his ego without ME lookinglike a manipulative person - which I was. In the past I did have a "breezy"attitude toward sex and if John finds out (especially considering our"wait" to have sex) he will leave me. That's why I didn't want tohave that conversation with him when he first brought it up

 

Assuming this is true (because his initial complaint suggests he would have been happy to have sex much earlier), there is nothing you can do about this, other than lie. And hope that no one else outs you.

 

But, if you KNOW that this is his value set, then IMO you are treating him as a thing, not as a person and equal, if you do not accord him the right to make decisions about you that his values dictate. Doesn't he have the right to do that?

 

Think about your own values. If you knew your boyfriend deliberately kept something from you, because he KNEW it would upset you and didn't want to give you the option to decide for yourself....wouldn't you feel betrayed? Even used?

Edited by anna121
  • Like 2
PogoStick Established Member

PogoStick

Posted
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Simply saying he is being immature fails to consider his feelings and desires which you claim to care about. Obviously it's a big deal to him or he wouldn't have responded so strongly.

 

Sounds like he genuinely cared for you, so he feels that should have been rewarded rather than punished by holding out. Sounds reasonable to me.

 

How far into the relationship are you now? Is the sex also infrequent, to make sure it's a relationship that isn't just based on sex? That would be a double wammy.

  • Like 4
IHateHypocrites Member

IHateHypocrites

Posted
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I hate how some guys, apparently nicer and good ones, are told to wait for sex, yet the same girls who make those nice guys wait for sex, will have hot and dirty sex with douchebags pretty much right away.

 

I could understand if both are made wait or both get sex quickly, but when the one gets sex faster than the other, it's a hypocrisy. It actually rewards guys for being douchebags. Like what's the reason to be nice if I can only get punished for it with lukewarmness, when douchebag could get "hot and passionate"?

 

Seriously, if a girl I was dating told me to wait for sex, then I learned from somewhere else she actually had hot crazy sex with some douchebag right away, yet I'm punished for treating her well, I'd bail. No explanations, no followups, radio silence and deleting of all contact data. Drastic, but I hate hypocrites (like my screen name suggests), they seriously piss me off and I will take any legal step necessary to get rid of them from my life.

Edited by IHateHypocrites
  • Like 1
Drseussgrrl Established Member

Drseussgrrl

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Take note ladies.

 

If you've ever acted like a ho-bag in the past, you're pretty much a ho-bag for life at the risk of being dumped.

 

 

And yes - this is clearly slut shaming.

 

 

Nothing chaps my ass more than a man thinking he has a say in what I choose to do with my body or that he has certain "rights" because of past choices I made that had nothing to do with him.

 

 

F*ck that.

  • Like 4
Divasu Established Member

Divasu

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The story about "Sal" is true but I haven't admitted it. How do Ihandle this?! John is a really good man and I don't want him to leave me. Howshould I approach our coffee tonight and what can I say to get things back tothe way they were?

 

You can say:

 

"John, how can we get over this jealousy that you have with my past? I want you to read this because I think it will help:

 

Read"

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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