soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 You are not sure that I'm good enough to have sex with but you can eat my pussy?I just dont understand" Personally, if I were a woman, I would be suspicious of this too. He was very open to oral sex, but not coitus? So, for him, it's not sex that takes him to the next level, rather, coitus. Interesting. Well, I'm not going to assume anything here, but he was true to his word (based on his definition of sex) and resisted a woman fully willing to have sex with him. Phew! That should have been extremely difficult for him.
Dread Pirate Roberts Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 *Update* So I went over to this guys' house today cause his parents are gone for the evening.We are having a great time,all's going well & then we go in his room to watch television.We start making out,feeling each other up,he whips my tits out for some loving attenstion,he takes my pants off & starts to go down on me,while fingering me. By this point,all that mumble jumbo is getting a little old & I'm ready to get down to the nitty gritty.I practically begged him to put it inside of me & he said "you're gonna kill me but I don't have anything"(meaning condoms) Instantly,I just felt stupid.I Sat quiet for a couple of minutes contemplating what to do & finally I just said "I just feel stupid.I'm gonna put my pants back on" Then I said "I really want to do it-is there anything you might wanna tell me?" He said "dont feel stupid.It's not you.I'm so turned on by you & I want to do it too but I know myself so well & I'm afraid that once we have sex I might not talk to you again & I'm looking for something serious & I'm just not sure yet" I felt even stupider at that point so I said "I'm just gonna go.I feel like an idiot & I cant wait for sex forever" He said "for real?" And he looked like he felt stupid too so I just said"I'm sorry.You are not sure that I'm good enough to have sex with but you can eat my pussy?I just dont understand" And I left.... I'm a little sad but We both have BPD.I bet he is gonna fall for me hard now that I rejected him.Sad but true. Thanks again everyone for all the replies. I don't equate going down on someone to be sex. Once you both get naked and you're actually making love, it gets real. It sounds like the poor guy was trying to be honest with you and didn't wanna lead you on, but he was driven by his urges. Sounds like you took it like a big blow to your ego. Maybe you both shoulda taken it slower from then.
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 You're both in your 30's. He doesn't want the physical to develop faster than the emotional. So what? What's wrong with that? When it's women who need time to do the same before having sex this is acceptable, even respectable to some people. When it's a guy, the woman shouldn't have to suffer being sexually frustated. The hell? He has probably had enough experience by now to know getting too involved physically before the emotional groundwork has been laid can ruin a potentially good relationship.
Geiss Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 *Update* So I went over to this guys' house today cause his parents are gone for the evening.We are having a great time,all's going well & then we go in his room to watch television.We start making out,feeling each other up,he whips my tits out for some loving attenstion,he takes my pants off & starts to go down on me,while fingering me. By this point,all that mumble jumbo is getting a little old & I'm ready to get down to the nitty gritty.I practically begged him to put it inside of me & he said "you're gonna kill me but I don't have anything"(meaning condoms) Instantly,I just felt stupid.I Sat quiet for a couple of minutes contemplating what to do & finally I just said "I just feel stupid.I'm gonna put my pants back on" Then I said "I really want to do it-is there anything you might wanna tell me?" He said "dont feel stupid.It's not you.I'm so turned on by you & I want to do it too but I know myself so well & I'm afraid that once we have sex I might not talk to you again & I'm looking for something serious & I'm just not sure yet" I felt even stupider at that point so I said "I'm just gonna go.I feel like an idiot & I cant wait for sex forever" He said "for real?" And he looked like he felt stupid too so I just said"I'm sorry.You are not sure that I'm good enough to have sex with but you can eat my pussy?I just dont understand" And I left.... I'm a little sad but We both have BPD.I bet he is gonna fall for me hard now that I rejected him.Sad but true. Thanks again everyone for all the replies. I would be pretty pissed off if I was him. You pressured him into doing something he wasn't ready for then you scold him for it and leave? He's better off without you.
Author dsw31 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 I am a little regretful of my actions but I have a feeling this is the only way to show him that he will miss me & perhaps he'll start to think that I'm good enough for a relationship.Yes-he was honest but the truth hurted.He said everytime he has sex with a girl he doesn't want to talk to her ever again.I would think after enjoying the intimacy we've had thus far-it would show him that he would want more.I felt like I wasn't good enough.
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I am a little regretful of my actions but I have a feeling this is the only way to show him that he will miss me & perhaps he'll start to think that I'm good enough for a relationship.Yes-he was honest but the truth hurted. He said everytime he has sex with a girl he doesn't want to talk to her ever again.I would think after enjoying the intimacy we've had thus far-it would show him that he would want more.I felt like I wasn't good enough. Sex is defined differently for everyone. Obviously, the oral sex and such isn't a problem for him. Rather, he knows actually having sex can flip a switch for him. You shouldn't feel insulted or like you weren't good enough. Instead, you should feel honored that the guy thinks highly enough of you that he wants to give you a chance for more serious consideration. At least that was how he felt before you did that. Again, if roles were reversed and it was a guy people would be up in arms saying how the girl doesn't need a guy who tries to pressure her into sex, or how he behaved like an absolute dickhead. Well, some people might live and breathe double standards but in the real world it's just as crappy for a woman to pressure a guy into sex and behave like that. You want a relationship with the guy yet you only care about your feelings. Not a good way to start out. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) You're both in your 30's. He doesn't want the physical to develop faster than the emotional. So what? What's wrong with that? When it's women who need time to do the same before having sex this is acceptable, even respectable to some people. When it's a guy, the woman shouldn't have to suffer being sexually frustated. The hell? He has probably had enough experience by now to know getting too involved physically before the emotional groundwork has been laid can ruin a potentially good relationship. Bottom line is that it is VERY rare for a normal heterosexual guy in his 30's to turn away a woman that is handing it to him on a silver platter. hens teeth kinda rare, maybe not...but very rare just the same. I mean look at a guy like fmr Pres.Bill Clinton...He risked the most prestigious office in the entire world to get head from a fat average looking underling...Its a poweful force..When a guy turns it down, especially with literally nothing at stake other than his own "standard", then it usually raises a flag..Thats all.. TFY Edited July 7, 2013 by thefooloftheyear
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Bottom line is that it is VERY rare for a normal heterosexual guy in his 30's to turn away a woman that is handing it to him on a silver platter. hens teeth kinda rare, maybe not...but very rare just the same. I mean look at a guy like fmr Pres.Bill Clinton...He risked the most prestigious office in the entire world to get head from a fat average looking underling...Its a poweful force..When a guy turns it down, especially with literally nothing at stake other than his own "standard", then it usually raises a flag..Thats all.. TFY I try not to assume every male I come in contact with has a penis with the brain of Bill Clinton. I don't think anything is wrong with someone who is self-aware enough to know that sex to soon kills the chances of becoming a serious relationship for them. He can actually put his money where he his mouth is? Good for him! There isn't anything wrong about it. He explained why he does that and it's a perfectly logical explanation.
Author dsw31 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 What should I do now? I'm sad Should I just wait to see of he contacts me? Or should I apologize?
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 What should I do now? I'm sad Should I just wait to see of he contacts me? Or should I apologize? Well, it kind of depends Can you care about this guy as a person and not an object? Are you capable of considering his feelings and needs too? If you can then go ahead and apologize and be patient with him. If you can't, then do the guy a kindness and walk on by.
Author dsw31 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Ofcourse I can care about him as a person.I'm just afraid of rejection & abandonment & I think he is too & I was afraid from the start because we are so similiar in that aspect.Having BPD means you dump someone before they can dump you.I'm just sad cause he was the first guy I've actually been into in a very long time.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I try not to assume every male I come in contact with has a penis with the brain of Bill Clinton. I don't think anything is wrong with someone who is self-aware enough to know that sex to soon kills the chances of becoming a serious relationship for them. He can actually put his money where he his mouth is? Good for him! There isn't anything wrong about it. He explained why he does that and it's a perfectly logical explanation. Il lassume you are a woman and as such there are things that can be explained to you or that you may have experienced with regard to men, but quite frankly you will never truly fully understand unless you had an xy chromosome makeup.....And ill happily accept that I do not know of all of the vagaries that make women tick either. I just dont get what he has to lose here?? Two consenting adults, no religious issues, obvious attraction..etc.So what if it doesnt work out? What type of PTSD would result from crossing that bridge? Id almost be more accepting of it if they were just making out and not doing anything else. Just to clarify, I have said on numerous occasions that if the guy is doing it for some sort of principled reason, then I take my hat off. But as a guy, its a rare enough issue to draw scrutiny...Thats all I am saying.. TFY
gaius Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Why don't you just drag him to your therapist to try and find out why he's so afraid of penile penetration. Maybe his dysfunction can be fixed.
Titania22 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I try not to assume every male I come in contact with has a penis with the brain of Bill Clinton. I don't think anything is wrong with someone who is self-aware enough to know that sex to soon kills the chances of becoming a serious relationship for them. He can actually put his money where he his mouth is? Good for him! There isn't anything wrong about it. He explained why he does that and it's a perfectly logical explanation. And that is fine that he wants to wait. What I don't get is all the foreplay when you know it isn't going anywhere. If he wants to wait for sex, fine, but maybe they should be doing something non-sexual when they see each other. A guy would be just as frustrated with a girl turning him on like that and then she won't have sex. It's inconsiderate to get someone all worked up and then leave them frustrated. 2
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Ofcourse I can care about him as a person.I'm just afraid of rejection & abandonment & I think he is too & I was afraid from the start because we are so similiar in that aspect.Having BPD means you dump someone before they can dump you.I'm just sad cause he was the first guy I've actually been into in a very long time. Have you ever heard of the phrase "Do you cry for him or do you cry for yourself?" What I was getting at was; yes I know you have feelings for this person. You have feelings. Caring about someone extends to more than just "I like this person because he gives me nice feelings". Part of caring about others is recognizing their own autonomy and being respectful of their wants/needs/and desires, too. Not necessarily more than or above yours, just being aware of them and willing to make room for them. Many people and I mean many, think they "care" about others. Well, their caring extends to what that person can do for them and that's where it ends. There is no thought about that other persons needs or desires. It's just "he/she makes me feel happy/elated/euphoric/orgasmic/insert adjective here". That isn't truly caring for people that is making them objects. Reducing them to toys for ones own amusement/pleasure/entertainment what have you. So my original question was whether you're capable of caring for this person and beyond what you get out of it, but also being able to recognize and grant his needs too. 1
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 And that is fine that he wants to wait. What I don't get is all the foreplay when you know it isn't going anywhere. If he wants to wait for sex, fine, but maybe they should be doing something non-sexual when they see each other. A guy would be just as frustrated with a girl turning him on like that and then she won't have sex. It's inconsiderate to get someone all worked up and then leave them frustrated. If she doesn't like being pleasured by him she can always speak up. Ironically, the fact that they are still giving each other sexal release makes me feel less inclined to equate this to your run of the mill high and dry scenario.
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Il lassume you are a woman and as such there are things that can be explained to you or that you may have experienced with regard to men, but quite frankly you will never truly fully understand unless you had an xy chromosome makeup.....And ill happily accept that I do not know of all of the vagaries that make women tick either. I just dont get what he has to lose here?? Two consenting adults, no religious issues, obvious attraction..etc.So what if it doesnt work out? What type of PTSD would result from crossing that bridge? Id almost be more accepting of it if they were just making out and not doing anything else. Just to clarify, I have said on numerous occasions that if the guy is doing it for some sort of principled reason, then I take my hat off. But as a guy, its a rare enough issue to draw scrutiny...Thats all I am saying.. TFY I am from the female persuasion, yes. I consider what he's doing out of principle. He's had sex in the past with women whom he was physically attracted to prior to an emotional foundation being made. As a result, he lost interest in these women. That's a pretty run of the mill scenario. Knowing his reaction is to do this, he has told her wants to wait until that emotional foundation is there so that this doesn't happen because he'd like to at least consider her for RS material. That's plenty principle to me. Sure, there is foreplay and orgasms involved so one might assume what's the difference? But, for him there obviously is a difference. He doesn't need to think like you or me or Henry down the lane. In fact, I've known both men and women who can do oral sex and other things with no issue but penetration sex is emotional and bonding for them. It's not like what this guy is proposing is some alien form of sexual behavior that came from the planet of bla bla blue blue.
Author dsw31 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 HopingToHeal,that was a great answer & to tell you the truth.... I dont know if I'm capable of that.I have a personality disorder which makes it hard for me to even make myself happy.I look for a man to validate me & show me my self worth.I know that's not healthy or normal but that's honestly how I operate at the moment. What's tricky about this whole situation is that I think he is the same way.I know he feels empty & dead inside & I just thought we could help each other feel more whole.We understood each other well & even felt each others' emotions when we were not together.We were connected. But by him saying what he said to me-I lost some of my value in my own eyes.I took his statement that when he has sex with girls he never talks to them again as-he has had lots of sex with other girls & I am not good enough-even being fully undressed & completely ready for penetration.I guess I felt likehe would have sex with just about anyone else but not me because he MIGHT actually want something more meaningful but he's not sure YET. That really hurt me.I just don't know if I did the right thing but I let my emotions get to me & I wish he would just contact me already. 1
Author dsw31 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Oh yeah Gaius...good plan but ...I highly doubt he'd be willing to go to therapy & I'm not sure that I'd want him to because I've been seducing my therapist for months & I want him to bone me too! 1
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 HopingToHeal,that was a great answer & to tell you the truth.... I dont know if I'm capable of that.I have a personality disorder which makes it hard for me to even make myself happy.I look for a man to validate me & show me my self worth.I know that's not healthy or normal but that's honestly how I operate at the moment. What's tricky about this whole situation is that I think he is the same way.I know he feels empty & dead inside & I just thought we could help each other feel more whole.We understood each other well & even felt each others' emotions when we were not together.We were connected. But by him saying what he said to me-I lost some of my value in my own eyes.I took his statement that when he has sex with girls he never talks to them again as-he has had lots of sex with other girls & I am not good enough-even being fully undressed & completely ready for penetration.I guess I felt likehe would have sex with just about anyone else but not me because he MIGHT actually want something more meaningful but he's not sure YET. That really hurt me.I just don't know if I did the right thing but I let my emotions get to me & I wish he would just contact me already. I understand that your BPD would make you more inclined to objectify people but what you also have to understand is that you have a personality disorder, not a terminal illness. Your behavior can be modified. It sounds like this guy is trying to tackle his issues with BPD. He wasn't rejecting you, he's trying to do something new. Instead of making you an object like other women, he's trying to establish an emotional connection, and I might extrapolate that he's attempting to see you as a whole person. I couldn't say for sure of course; but the fact that he knows he does this and is trying to go in a different direction makes me think he's trying to conquer his BPD issues. Relationships when a person is suffering from BPD don't tend to end well as I'm sure I need not bother telling you but are you seeing a therapist to get a reign on your issues related to it? More so than using this guy as a band aid you might find yourself better served by overcoming this so you can have a loving relationship.
Author dsw31 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Wow-I'm blown away by your answer again HopingToHeal & now I just feel even worse (I know that wasn't your intention) but maybe I should not have left? I never Thought of it that way-maybe he is trying.I am seeing a therapist weekly.
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Wow-I'm blown away by your answer again HopingToHeal & now I just feel even worse (I know that wasn't your intention) but maybe I should not have left? I never Thought of it that way-maybe he is trying.I am seeing a therapist weekly. The fact that you're feeling bad about it shows there's hope for you yet. Put yourself in his shoes and then make it right.
Dread Pirate Roberts Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Ofcourse I can care about him as a person.I'm just afraid of rejection & abandonment & I think he is too & I was afraid from the start because we are so similiar in that aspect.Having BPD means you dump someone before they can dump you.I'm just sad cause he was the first guy I've actually been into in a very long time. I had a girl do this to me recently. She was all up my butt all into me and she just pushed me away and turned me into an enemy. For no reason.
L1ght Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 What an idiot this guy is. Just out of curiosity...How long until you ditch him for a real man who is ready and willing to fulfil your sexual needs? Sounds like he is either hiding something, is very insecure about his ability to perform sexually or he is very inexperienced....maybe even a virgin.
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 What an idiot this guy is. Just out of curiosity...How long until you ditch him for a real man who is ready and willing to fulfil your sexual needs? Sounds like he is either hiding something, is very insecure about his ability to perform sexually or he is very inexperienced....maybe even a virgin. 1
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