How to make a LDR work?

[Vesta]

Hi there,

 

I'm new to the whole LTR thing, and I'm just wondering what kinds of things make relationships like this work. We met online, were friends first (neither of us were really looking for anything at the time), but we both fell pretty hard. We haven't met in person yet, but I'm planning on visiting in August. We both live in the states, so we'll be able to take trips and all that, but with school, there'll definitely be periods of time that we won't see each other for a while. We've been doing things like listening to the same CD "together," we talk on the phone all the time, etc., but I'm just looking for some more ideas. Someday, I hope to move there, but financially and practically, it's just not possible right now.

 

Thanks, all!

[Carenth]

hrrrm some things we do is watch movies, tv series at the same time. Write each other hand written letters back and forth in snail mail. Send each other random photos through out the day. Play games online. Agree on a book to read and talk about it as we go (this has been a bit hard as of recent for me, not enough time).

 

Overall most important thing is open, honest, clear communication. Also having an end date is pretty important as well I think. I'm a very patient person but I would be lying if I said I could do this forever. I've put my money where my mouth is and obtained a working Visa and am saving like crazy to move over there towards the end of the year. She is coming out to visit in August I can't wait, miss her so dam much.

Edited July 5, 2013 by Carenth

[LittleTiger]

We don't seem to do any of the things other people talk about. All we do is talk - a lot! We talk for hours and wonder where the time goes. We've been LDR for coming up to four years and we still talk as much as we ever did.

 

I really don't think there is a magic formula for making LDRs work. I think it's all down to open, honest communication, which creates true intimacy and a bond that's strong enough to survive long periods of separation.

 

My only advice would be to do whatever you both enjoy doing so that most of your contact time is fun. If things get hairy, which they will at times, talk it through until you find a solution or at least some common ground. Show your love and appreciation on a regular basis and never, ever take one another for granted.

[Carenth]

Yeah LittleTiger pretty much hit the nail on the head. Whilst we do these activities together from time to time mostly we talk a lot. Very clear and honest about what we are both feeling and going through at whatever given time. That and we trust each other.

 

Trust is an absolute must if you are questioning your partner then things can turn sour pretty quickly.

[nescafe1982]

My S.O. and I have been long-distance for a little over a year now. Open, honest communication is a must, as said above. We also spend time watching movies, cooking together (me at my place, him at his). The element of surprise also keeps this interesting, for example:

 

1) we send each other little gifts for no reason; every so often i find chocolates, tea, flowers on my door step. I send him spices (he loves to cook), gag gifts, DVDs.

 

2) A couple times, we both logged onto one of those delivery services for food; I ordered his dinner and he ordered mine. Then we had dinner together on Skype.

 

3) We send photo mail a lot; funny things that happened to us, sometimes a local site (sort of a "guess where this is?" thing). Once I took a series of photos on my cell of places we went on our first date and sent them to his email.

 

There are a lot of creative ways to practice intimacy from afar. But practically speaking, having an end-date and an open channel for communication is most important. Heck, I often think that Long-Distance (when done well) can improve a relationship because we practice more deliberate communication. Good luck!

[PepperPotts]

Communication is crazy important (as is the end date). More than that, I would argue, is managing expectations.

 

You have to be able to trust each other completely, which can be really hard when you're overwhelmed by LDR anxiety (will there be someone else? am I out of sight/out of mind?). I know some people are all about spontaneity, but with us it really helped to have a clear communication plan. We talked on the phone at bedtime every night and did NOT expect phone calls at other times during the day. We did NOT expect text replies in less than three hours because we both were busy. We always FaceTimed on Sunday, and we watched our favorite television show together at the same time each week.

 

Knowing he's going to call you at seven stops you from wondering why you haven't heard from him at four. Knowing you can see him on Friday helps you power through the week for that reward, and reminds you both of how important reliability is.

 

Also I would argue that you need to have a set travel plan, for the same reason. Don't wonder when you're gonna see him and get all mopey-- set a date. It doesn't have to be exact right now, but make plans for a general month at least. You're going to have to figure out how long you can go without seeing each other, and you'll find there's a pattern to how you communicate between (we tended to get grumpy and frustrated at about 40 days). I suspect this is not as essential in relationships that start LDR vs. relationships that start in person, as ours did, but it really helped us to have a countdown.

[Vesta]

First of all, thank you for the replies. I didn't see myself falling for someone who lived so far away, but I have, and it is HARD, but he's so completely worth it. We text back and forth throughout the day, and we talk every night--sometimes on the phone, sometimes online depending on what we're doing. It's crazy...He can call at ten, I'll blink and it's two A.M., and I still want to keep talking with him (even when I have work in the morning!). He's going to try to teach me how to play guitar over Skype sometime...we'll see how that works.

 

I know we'll get along well in person and all that, but I am a little worried about the awkwardness that is sure to happen when we do meet in person. I mean, how could it not? No matter how well you know someone on the phone and online, it'll still be different being physically actually with him. I can't wait, but still. I'm incredibly nervous.

[Els]

First of all, thank you for the replies. I didn't see myself falling for someone who lived so far away, but I have, and it is HARD, but he's so completely worth it. We text back and forth throughout the day, and we talk every night--sometimes on the phone, sometimes online depending on what we're doing. It's crazy...He can call at ten, I'll blink and it's two A.M., and I still want to keep talking with him (even when I have work in the morning!).

 

Ha, I know the feeling all too well. During the first few months of my LDR, we sometimes literally talked until the sun rose. Fortunately neither of us had classes the next day, so the fallout wasn't too bad, but still! We definitely had to cut things short after a few times.

 

He's going to try to teach me how to play guitar over Skype sometime...we'll see how that works.

Oh, dear. We tried this. Didn't work too well because chords always sounded out of tune on Skype. Hope you guys have better luck!

 

I know we'll get along well in person and all that, but I am a little worried about the awkwardness that is sure to happen when we do meet in person. I mean, how could it not? No matter how well you know someone on the phone and online, it'll still be different being physically actually with him. I can't wait, but still. I'm incredibly nervous.

I won't lie, the first few minutes are going to be awkward. In our case we'd already known each other in person as acquaintances before he moved away, but it was still awkward initially, the first time we met as lovers. Best advice I can offer you is to try to not form a specific picture in your head of how things are going to be, but rather go with the flow so you will be in a better position to appreciate the man he really is in person. Aside from that, just enjoy yourself, and try not to worry too much.

 

Good luck!