Alsuna Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Hello there everyone, I'm in a situation right now, that's new to me. Just got out to the dating scene again after a relationship of 7 years, my heart was broken. 6 month passed since then, I sorted my life out, and met this funny guy through work. He is 24, I'm 29. He seems to be very inexperienced in relationships, and sexually too. I'm the opposite. He recently started to let me know, that he likes me, and there is a chemistry between us, so I though I would give it a go. We had a date yesterday, we kissed, he wanted more, but I said no. He then started to be obsessive, like how perfect I am for him, and already was planning a trip for us to visit my family in August. He was keep telling me how much he wants to go home with me. To be honest, this scared me to death. I told him up front before the date, that I'm either looking for a mature man I can start a committed relationship with, or a hot non-exclusive sex affair between grown-ups, no strings attached. Today I told him, that his behavior was not appealing to me, and I think he expects more from this "thing" than I do. He left hurt and almost crying. I know it is not fair, but I kinda want to keep him around, as I am attracted to him, but his inexperienced way really kills my lust, and is a total turn-off to me. What proposal should I make him, that is for both of us beneficial? Or should I strictly stay out of any relationship with him? We are working on project together until end of July, so I will see him almost every day. Any suggestions?
SuperGeek Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Gosh why can't I run into more women like you ? That guy doesn't know how lucky he has it. Maybe I need to take a 20 hour plane ride to Finland.
Author Alsuna Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 We were supposed to go on a road trip over the arctic circle next weekend with his friends. I was anticipating hiking in the fjords, midnight sun watching, camp fire and sharing a tent, but with him it sounds more like drama the whole weekend in front of his friends. That's the last thing I need right now. How can I make him to slow down, relax, and simply enjoy the situation. He is anyway moving back home in 6 month, and that is about 6000 miles away. We could do all the craziest kinky stuff without shame, because we never ever meet each other again. For me that sounds like win-win.
KillerFish Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I have been the nice guy once in a similar relation. Met a danish girl that was living in my country, we went on a few dates, hit it off, had amazing crazy sex and then she left back to her country. I loved the sex but still felt a bit used because I actually liked her and wanted more. What I am trying to say is, you might have crazy sex and all that, but in the end it's just an adventure for you and for the guy maybe he has more feeling s for you, he is going to suffer... I think you need to make clear to him what's going on, if after that you still think he hasn't get it, well maybe it's better to find another "boy toy" ? The text might sound a bit weird, my english is very bad today, sorry. 1
Author Alsuna Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 I think you need to make clear to him what's going on, if after that you still think he hasn't get it, well maybe it's better to find another "boy toy" ? I guess you are right. I tell him my terms, and he can decide if he wants it or not. I don't want him to feel cheated. 1
KillerFish Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 You are a good person, a lot of people could care less for his feelings.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 You need to just find a different guy, this guy seems way too emotional and infatuated with you and this will turn messy even though you just want it to be a casual fling...his inexperience is leading him to be way more infatuated with you than a more experienced guy who's rolled in the hay (had sex) with a girl in your shoes and circumstances before, he'll know how to deal with it and cut you off when you get too emotionally invested and then want a relationship...naturally. So find another guy, if you go on this trip, you should go as friends...you gotta work with this a little bit longer, it's not good to have this kind of potential drama at work..you really want him weeping like a puppy dog while working on the project together? I think it's way too early for you to be in a relationship, but find another hot guy who's willing to bang you into a pretzel then leave when it's done without much loss because he's experienced with that kind of thing...although someone is likely to develop emotions out of that, especially you, you're still in an emotionally vulnerable place, than you may realize.
Author Alsuna Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 You need to just find a different guy, this guy seems way too emotional and infatuated with you and this will turn messy even though you just want it to be a casual fling... I think it's way too early for you to be in a relationship, but find another hot guy who's willing to bang you into a pretzel then leave when it's done without much loss because he's experienced with that kind of thing...although someone is likely to develop emotions out of that, especially you, you're still in an emotionally vulnerable place, than you may realize. This is the mature way to handle this situation, you are right. I just got back to a point where I can live my life normally again, and start to enjoy it, I don't need this kind of responsibility right now. You have quite a good eye for people, you see exactly where I'm coming from and where I'm heading at. Thanks for the insight, I will have then another conversation with him tomorrow. I haven't decided yet on the trip though. 1
Author Alsuna Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Just wanted to let everyone know, that after discussing the smart way to handle this situation, I ended up doing the exact opposite. I went to the trip, refused him there again. After getting back from the trip, he was silent for 2 days, obviously very hurt, which made me feel very guilty. Things went back to normal for a week, but then he just slowly creeped into my thoughts. I called him one night and ended up at his place, and we had some sweet lovin'. Then he started avoiding me and telling me that we should rather forget what happened. I was fine with that too. Things went back to normal, but then he started to make hints, that he would like to repeat the night we spent together. Now the thing is, that I started to like this guy very much. He is sweet and smart, and despite all the mess between us, we have a lot of fun time together and always great chemistry. I would like to spend more time with him, but I don't know how to tell him. I don't want him to think I would like to see him, because nothing better is out there for me currently(what he might think because of being refused so many times by me) Also I don't want to go exclusive or be in a relationship right now. Would anyone accept these kind of conditions, or I shouldn't even try to bring it up?
Babolat Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Just wanted to let everyone know, that after discussing the smart way to handle this situation, I ended up doing the exact opposite. I went to the trip, refused him there again. After getting back from the trip, he was silent for 2 days, obviously very hurt, which made me feel very guilty. Things went back to normal for a week, but then he just slowly creeped into my thoughts. I called him one night and ended up at his place, and we had some sweet lovin'. Then he started avoiding me and telling me that we should rather forget what happened. I was fine with that too. Things went back to normal, but then he started to make hints, that he would like to repeat the night we spent together. Now the thing is, that I started to like this guy very much. He is sweet and smart, and despite all the mess between us, we have a lot of fun time together and always great chemistry. I would like to spend more time with him, but I don't know how to tell him. I don't want him to think I would like to see him, because nothing better is out there for me currently(what he might think because of being refused so many times by me) Also I don't want to go exclusive or be in a relationship right now. Would anyone accept these kind of conditions, or I shouldn't even try to bring it up? Rememebr what Ninjainpajamas said and your reply?
Author Alsuna Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 huuuuuhhhh. I knooooow. Of course I know, whats the smart thing to do. But I really started to like this guy. And the people volunteering for the pretzel project are either way too good friends or I don't feel attracted to them at all. Somebody slap me in the face
Author Alsuna Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 Ouch. Exactly what I didn't wanted to hear. And exactly what my mind tells me.
hppr Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 How can I make him to slow down, relax, and simply enjoy the situation. He is anyway moving back home in 6 month, and that is about 6000 miles away. We could do all the craziest kinky stuff without shame, because we never ever meet each other again. For me that sounds like win-win. You need to tell this stuff to him, not us.
New User Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Just cut it off. Well..... That would remove the temptation but it seems a bit extreme. Criminal even . In all seriousness though OP- it doesn't sound like he wants no strings attached pretzel making. You really ought to let him go. A lot of guys would accept those conditions, but I don't think he's one of them.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 (edited) What's going to happen now is he's going to be hurt and disappointed about the rejection and your resistance to be "together" but still pursue you because he needs to achieve that to gain confidence in "winning you over"...but he's just infatuated with you, and partly because you are this unavailable girl with your heart not open, as soon as you just give him what he thinks he wants he's going to be into it for a little while then just back off little by little as you just get even more wrapped up and emotional....this guy isn't experienced or aware of it and this is your rebound relationship, you're not thinking as straight as you may feel you are or as in control. Once he feels secure and doesn't have this fantasy of what and who you are anymore, he's going to realize you really aren't what he felt you were and his behavior will become more mixed and disinterested...this is what men with inexperience do, they imagine you and idealize you to be this grand thing and just pine after you to open up, but once you do that and give them what they want, they feel more confident and superior in themselves and the magic dust wears off and they just become their regular not-so-amazingly-interested selves because the goal was to get the unavailable girl who wouldn't give in, in the beginning and it was fun to get way ahead of yourself because he was so into sleeping with you. I predict this guy to be emotionally unstable and unrealistic. Right now you're just in a rebound mode...you want the attention, you like the interest and companionship but you knew well enough that you really aren't ready for all of it but you're also in a way a bit desperate and lonely for something that makes you feel good, appreciated and all that crap...so you'll just start talking yourself into it as your feelings grow and then you'll get all wrapped up into him...and this once "ok" guy becomes the center of your world naturally...kind of typical behavior there. You start out saying this guy is but funny, some chemistry, very inexperienced though, scared to death of what he was saying to you like a crazy person...but now saying.. "He is sweet and smart, and despite all the mess between us, we have a lot of fun time together and always great chemistry" You're doing the typical girl thing there, you're going from one extreme of slight interest to "wow, look at all these qualities he has!"...nothing changed, you're just becoming more emotionally invested...it's the simple. Any conditions you offer are going to be somewhat of a joke unfortunately, I wouldn't believe you could actually stay unattached from the guy, look how far you've gone from A to D so far, it's only going to progress and then you'll magically be ready in the not-so-distance future, what is that you think you are accomplishing by delaying what you already know you're going to do in the end anyway? you're not in control, once your emotions are invested it's pretty much game over, make a wise and competent decision now for yourself or you basically lose the tug-of-war match you're playing with this guy right now...then you'll just be like "well I don't know what I want". If I were him I'd just keep sleeping with you, it's a win-win. He either gets the relationship he thinks he wants with a person he really doesn't know but idealized or he got to have sex with you and fulfill his infatuation and can now move on to the next thing since he might be unavailable himself but just inexperienced and without options. You have more to lose because of your vulnerable state, you say you won't become invested and attached but If you have a vagina, chances are you're only kidding yourself and unless this guy proves to be a loser or someone you really can't see yourself with then I can't see you not falling for him just because of the state of mind and emotions you are having and dealing with...it's just a very easy rebound relationship for you to get yourself into, but I think in the end this could do a lot more harm than good because you'll be confused and left not knowing where to go or what to do if this guy ends up being a jerk who fed you a lot of initial interest and lip-service but was talking out of his @ss in the moment...like a lot of men do, especially inexperienced ones who are horny and with little options. Edited August 5, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 2
Author Alsuna Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 You have more to lose because of your vulnerable state, you say you won't become invested and attached but If you have a vagina, chances are you're only kidding yourself Sums up the story pretty well. And most of the above written statement I knew myself already. So which one is the better option now? 1. Making one of my best friends a friends with benefits 2. Start something with this guy and get pretty much hurt 3. just listen to Morrissey all day long while daydreaming about hairy men taking me from behind. Suggestions welcome.
truth_seeker Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Hello there everyone, I'm in a situation right now, that's new to me. Just got out to the dating scene again after a relationship of 7 years, my heart was broken. 6 month passed since then, I sorted my life out, and met this funny guy through work. He is 24, I'm 29. He seems to be very inexperienced in relationships, and sexually too. I'm the opposite. He recently started to let me know, that he likes me, and there is a chemistry between us, so I though I would give it a go. We had a date yesterday, we kissed, he wanted more, but I said no. He then started to be obsessive, like how perfect I am for him, and already was planning a trip for us to visit my family in August. He was keep telling me how much he wants to go home with me. To be honest, this scared me to death. I told him up front before the date, that I'm either looking for a mature man I can start a committed relationship with, or a hot non-exclusive sex affair between grown-ups, no strings attached. Today I told him, that his behavior was not appealing to me, and I think he expects more from this "thing" than I do. He left hurt and almost crying. I know it is not fair, but I kinda want to keep him around, as I am attracted to him, but his inexperienced way really kills my lust, and is a total turn-off to me. What proposal should I make him, that is for both of us beneficial? Or should I strictly stay out of any relationship with him? We are working on project together until end of July, so I will see him almost every day. Any suggestions? My suggestion would be to have sex with him. Call him over to your place and rock his world. After you do this, you tell him to leave. You explain that he is your toy and when you want to play with him, you'll let him know. He will understand that this is only about sex. If he's into it, you will get what you want without hurting him.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Sums up the story pretty well. And most of the above written statement I knew myself already. So which one is the better option now? 1. Making one of my best friends a friends with benefits 2. Start something with this guy and get pretty much hurt 3. just listen to Morrissey all day long while daydreaming about hairy men taking me from behind. Suggestions welcome. Wow, we have the same fantasy!!......NOT! Yes, you'd probably be better off having sex with a big makkara attached to a fuzzy pillow from behind to substitute for your hairy man lover than the other alternatives, but yes I know, what's the fun in that! But yes, I'm sure your best friends would be happy to "service" you...at least you can trust them, but with this new guy I think it's going to be bad news any way you slice it...I think it's going to become quite dramatic, and that's not really something you need, I think you would make that choice if you could fast-forward to the future and see what would happened if you did pursue it...I think you're better off without it. Otherwise there are plenty of unavailable men just ready and willing to have a casual relationship without any commitment out there, so I think that's one thing a woman doesn't really have to worry about in her life and I think you knew where to find those men too...but emotionally speaking, I think you should keep protect your emotions until you really do feel truly ready to invest in a relationship, you'll either just hurt someone or be hurt yourself even more. You don't need the guilt and the consequence of it all either, just walk away when you know it isn't good for you anymore, you've got to make the smart decisions for yourself sometimes. 1
Babolat Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 Sums up the story pretty well. And most of the above written statement I knew myself already. So which one is the better option now? 1. Making one of my best friends a friends with benefits 2. Start something with this guy and get pretty much hurt 3. just listen to Morrissey all day long while daydreaming about hairy men taking me from behind. Suggestions welcome. I am in your boat, but on the male side and I don't like hairy women taking me from behind! I have decided to watch porn....I don't want to hurt anyone, or myself. I know it would bge selfish to "use" some of my female friends for sex, leading them on. I have my opportnities, yet I know the women want more than I can offer today and I have never done FWB, or as my ex called it "fu&*ck buddy". I am ready for a relationmship, just taking my time though. I do get "lonley" while taking my time though.......
Author Alsuna Posted August 5, 2013 Author Posted August 5, 2013 I am in your boat, but on the male side and I don't like hairy women taking me from behind! Too bad. I could've helped you out with that I wouldn't use my friends, they offered themselves. But it would be just weird in my opinion. Porn... Sometimes I feel I've seen it all. Yeah, the offers I got are not really appealing to me, so I'm waiting for something more exciting to come my way. No relationship for me tho, for at least one more year.
white Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 I am in your boat, but on the male side and I don't like hairy women taking me from behind! send em my way bro, im all about the hirsute lasses with strapons
MrTurk Posted August 5, 2013 Posted August 5, 2013 He almost cried ?????? And you are still aroused and interested in him enough after that to contemplate sex with him???? All that after his actions scared you to death???? See...this is what I DONT F*CKING GET.....is how women want to go after guys like the one described above.....and a guy like me cant even get women to reply to a damn email on a dating site. When are women going to learn that when a guy goes on a first date.....and he starts talking about how "perfect" you two are for each other....and talks about longterm situations between the two of you.....that is the biggest red flag you will ever see.
Author Alsuna Posted August 6, 2013 Author Posted August 6, 2013 He almost cried ?????? And you are still aroused and interested in him enough after that to contemplate sex with him???? All that after his actions scared you to death???? See...this is what I DONT F*CKING GET.....is how women want to go after guys like the one described above.....and a guy like me cant even get women to reply to a damn email on a dating site. When are women going to learn that when a guy goes on a first date.....and he starts talking about how "perfect" you two are for each other....and talks about longterm situations between the two of you.....that is the biggest red flag you will ever see. you are right. every time i feel lonely, I should remind myself of his scary behavior. stupid me.
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