worldgonewrong Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 ~sigh~ So here's the deal... I was officially divorced by my ex early this year. Before that, we'd been separated for 2 years. We were married a long time, couple kids. At the end of the 2nd year of separation, after I got used to the fact that we weren't getting back together & I became comfortable being myself, I fell madly in love with a new woman. That was around late-September. As of early this year, we basically began living together. Everything has been great, she's very attentive & loving & expresses her love constantly (and shows it). The rub: I spoke with a very close mutual friend of ours (a guy, who's married to her best friend) and he disclosed my GF's rather checkered history. She left her husband, horsed around with a whole bunch of guys. Moved out of her foreign country (as an American expat abroad), came back and got a boyfriend...whom she then cheated on too. She still hasn't even gotten the divorce from the husband abroad-- by all accounts, he was a nice guy, but she just d*cked him over. She chewed through BF's. So...here I am. The happiest of ever been in the past 10 months of my life, and I'm suddenly terrified that I'm going to get screwed over too. She's been nothing but terrific to me, just wonderful, but I find myself wondering... I can't bear to be cheated on again (what my ex-wife did to me). She's told me none of her checkered past at all, mind you. Help! All thoughts appreciated.
Roadkill007 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 While it's definately scary to get close to someone with such a checkered past, there's no need to be paranoid. Maybe you are just the "new toy", maybe she's found what she's been missing all these years in you. So a couple steps : 1. Calm down. 2. Keep your wits about you for "red flags", and keep a leash on your heart till she's comitted 3. Try not to let your new knowledge affect how you're feeling in your interactions with her 4. Try to discern if she shows signs of really caring for you or if it's just about the thrill 5. If you reach a point where you're feeling serious about her, prepare to talk to her to figure out if she feels the same about you
BradJacobs Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 You're worried it's in her nature to cheat? Don't nurture that behavior. Give her no excuse to cheat (nurture monogamy) and you may end up being the exception. Best wishes!
ExpatInItaly Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 ~sigh~ So here's the deal... I was officially divorced by my ex early this year. Before that, we'd been separated for 2 years. We were married a long time, couple kids. At the end of the 2nd year of separation, after I got used to the fact that we weren't getting back together & I became comfortable being myself, I fell madly in love with a new woman. That was around late-September. As of early this year, we basically began living together. Everything has been great, she's very attentive & loving & expresses her love constantly (and shows it). The rub: I spoke with a very close mutual friend of ours (a guy, who's married to her best friend) and he disclosed my GF's rather checkered history. She left her husband, horsed around with a whole bunch of guys. Moved out of her foreign country (as an American expat abroad), came back and got a boyfriend...whom she then cheated on too. She still hasn't even gotten the divorce from the husband abroad-- by all accounts, he was a nice guy, but she just d*cked him over. She chewed through BF's. So...here I am. The happiest of ever been in the past 10 months of my life, and I'm suddenly terrified that I'm going to get screwed over too. She's been nothing but terrific to me, just wonderful, but I find myself wondering... I can't bear to be cheated on again (what my ex-wife did to me). She's told me none of her checkered past at all, mind you. Help! All thoughts appreciated. I bolded something that struck me...you've heard this from one person. Are you certain that he knows exactly what he's talking about? Hearing something from one person isn't the same as "by all accounts." I don't intend to nitpick, but I'd think carefully before assuming everything is accurate. If it is indeed the full truth, then of course I'd be concerned. But don't paint her black just yet. Speak to her about it first. It's only fair you give her that chance.
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 update: After initially agonizing how to talk with her, I just addressed things pointblank. To begin, I gave her 2 direct questions requiring a yes or no answer. I said if she passed the 1st question, we'd move to the 2nd; if not, we're over on the spot. So she answered both questions honestly, which we relieved me, and then we had a discussion. She was never defensive, skittish or evasive. She took some tough truths like a champ. On the basis of this, she really proved her love for me.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 The happiest of ever been in the past 10 months of my life, and I'm suddenly terrified that I'm going to get screwed over too. You already were -- you're with someone who's lied to you repeatedly. And what makes you think she isn't cheating on you now? You can either be a man and end it now, or keep "getting it" with this whore who will eventually end it anyway.
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 update: After initially agonizing how to talk with her, I just addressed things pointblank. To begin, I gave her 2 direct questions requiring a yes or no answer. I said if she passed the 1st question, we'd move to the 2nd; if not, we're over on the spot. So she answered both questions honestly, which we relieved me, and then we had a discussion. She was never defensive, skittish or evasive. She took some tough truths like a champ. On the basis of this, she really proved her love for me. ^^^This^^^ is class. if only more people would take the bull by the horns and communicate effectively. You took the hearsay and did something constructive with it,m instead of brooding, moping and remaining in a fog. Good on you, well done. Other prevaricators, take note. Sometimes, there's an awful lot to be said for actually TALKING! 1
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 Thank you, TaraMaiden! I just realized, in the aftermath of my own divorce, I can't live life without truth. I crave it, even if it stings.
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 You already were -- you're with someone who's lied to you repeatedly. And what makes you think she isn't cheating on you now? You can either be a man and end it now, or keep "getting it" with this whore who will eventually end it anyway. To address your question: because her best friend (female) of 25 years was behind divulging all this dirt to me. Her best friend has loyalties to her long friendship with my GF, but the best friend has integrity and felt it had to be done in order for this relationship to go forward (or end, if need be). My GF has exhibited herself as trying to start a new leaf in being with me. The lies of omission were dealt with - EVERYTHING, absolutely everything, was brought out into the open. There was no denial, evasiveness, self-pity or defensiveness. It was instead a reaction of humility and remorse, that I was the first guy to ever tear down the mask. I spoke with her best friend (and husband) and they were shocked that I had been met with truth and an utter surrender to the fact that she had led her life before me in a sh_-ty way. It was absolutely capitulation and vulnerability -- something that was unheard of before from her. And stop with the "be a man" crap. It's easy to lay down cheap shots like that from a distance. Relationships can be complex. It's not all angel/whore, OK? You do a disservice to the idea of redemption and compassion towards women and men.
FitChick Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 My only concern would be why she is still married. You also don't know what really went on in her marriage.
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 You already were -- you're with someone who's lied to you repeatedly. And what makes you think she isn't cheating on you now? You can either be a man and end it now, or keep "getting it" with this whore who will eventually end it anyway. Spoken like a true pessimist. Sadly, you have a habit of putting a bitter slant on everything that comes your way. Yourself included.... I think it might be beneficial to you to seek counselling, because if you look at everything you encounter in such a negative way, you're going to end up being very sad, very alone for a very long time. And honestly - it really doesn't need to be that way.
Author worldgonewrong Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 My only concern would be why she is still married. You also don't know what really went on in her marriage. Oh, but I do. I know everything. I came armed with the truth already, when we spoke. What was required of her was complete accountability on all fronts. I told her that before I met her that I could be a sh_t too, but I had volunteered that already when we first got together -- gave her specifics -- and now was the time for her to be completely vulnerable or lose me. I don't think she'd ever had a man who demanded that the other person bare their soul (the good/bad/ugly) or forget it. If she wants to be real with me, then be real; if she wants to be fake, then she can go be fake elsewhere but not while she's with me.
Recommended Posts