jadedjay Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 So my ex boyfriend and I were together for about a year before my feelings for him started to change. I became bored with our relationship, we were fighting and arguing a lot and I just wasn't in to it the way I used to be. So, towards the beginning of January 2013, I basically told him I needed some space. And to him it came out of nowhere because I told him I had been feeling that way since August 2012. He was accepting at first but as the days went by he would show up at my house, call me all the time, get mad at me for not telling him sooner etc. and at the time, it was annoying as hell and I didn't want it. One day, I think he got fed up with me not giving him any answers so he pressured me by asking if I wanted to be with him. I said I wasn't sure so he replied back saying "well I'll answer for you, were done." At that point I didn't really care so I said okay and turned my phone off for the rest of the day. As soon as I turned it back on I had a million text messages and a voicemails saying please call me, I still love you, I still wanna be with you. For about 3 months I didn't care and I showed that I didn't care. We would see each other every now and then, or there would be times where I missed him and would call him or he'd call me and we'd get back together just for us to break up again. After reading posts from others I think I had "GIGS." I would say it took me about 6 months to get over that phase and be ready to get back into a serious relationship with him. So, 6 months later, he's telling me what I told him 6 months ago; he isn't sure he wants to be with me, he isn't happy and hes confused. Out of anger, I told him lets end it and that I don't wanna be with someone who isn't sure if they wanna be with me. The most hurtful part about that was that he just said okay and hung up the phone. No fight in him whatsoever. The next day i spoke with his mom, (whom I work with and have grown to love) and he had already told her about what I did. I felt horrible and regretted what I said. She gave me some great advice and i texted him asking him to talk to me and that I made a big mistake. He didn't call me back until that next day's afternoon and said he needs some time. Today marks day 3 that we haven't spoken to each other. I'm literally dying every single minute. Im checking my phone constantly to see if he's called or texted...anything. The crazy part about all of this is that I know exactly how he feels because I was there not too long ago. So I understand completely! I'm just worried that after all of the break ups and make ups to break ups that he might want to be done with me for good. Of course I still love him and the fact that I am now experiencing what he experienced by me makes me appreciate him so much more, but he doesn't know that. I just had a thought about contacting his best friend, whom I'm not that close to for some advice on how to win him back. Is that a good idea or a bad one? Any advice is helpful!!
Jbmouth91 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I wouldn't know any advice to give you except for that he's probably thinking about it and you should give him the time and space that he needs. May I ask why it took 6 months to get out of that phase? (Just because I got dumped by my ex gf who had gigs)
athousandquestions Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 No offense but just look at what you're doing. When you went through this phase, he begged and pleaded and all it made you was annoyed. I think you need to leave him alone. I doubt he is doing this for revenge. He is probably tired of the games and stress you played on him and may have grown to LIKE being single. I would send him one last message. "I understand that it's confusing and you are hurt from what I've done and how I've treated you, I still love and care about you, but I understand how you are feeling. I'll give you the space you've asked for." Do not reply to anything he sends, don't contact him, go NC. You came around, so have faith he will too. Just stop smothering him.
Author jadedjay Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 I wouldn't know any advice to give you except for that he's probably thinking about it and you should give him the time and space that he needs. May I ask why it took 6 months to get out of that phase? (Just because I got dumped by my ex gf who had gigs) It took me 6 months to actually learn to appreciate him and realize he is a good man. I needed time to myself to see what life was like without him. We argued and fought a lot and I was fed up with it all. Seeing him on my terms helped a little bit when i missed him but at times he would be overwhelming and it pushed me further away. Since we are in a similar position now I would say jus let her be. She will come back after she's had her fun.
Author jadedjay Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 No offense but just look at what you're doing. When you went through this phase, he begged and pleaded and all it made you was annoyed. I think you need to leave him alone. I doubt he is doing this for revenge. He is probably tired of the games and stress you played on him and may have grown to LIKE being single. I would send him one last message. "I understand that it's confusing and you are hurt from what I've done and how I've treated you, I still love and care about you, but I understand how you are feeling. I'll give you the space you've asked for." Do not reply to anything he sends, don't contact him, go NC. You came around, so have faith he will too. Just stop smothering him. I don't think he's doing it for revenge I know understand how he's feeling because I was once there. I know it's how he's feeling and he can't help it. I plan to leave him alone and have done so for the last 3 days. I know he's tired of the games I've appeared to play but I feel like until you experience it you'll never fully understand it. To me none of it was a game. I actually sent him a text message 3 days ago saying what you suggested. Like I said I don't plan to contact him until he's ready. It's really hard to be left in limbo for x amount of days but like you said I came around so I should have faith that he will too. Thank you!!
headsashed Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I don't want to put you on a downer here but just because you came round doesn't mean he will, what im trying to say is don't live in hope that he will because if he doesn't come back then it will hurt you even more. My best advice is to stick to NC and give him all the space he needs but just carry on with your life and don't keep hoping that he will come back, because he might not. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to here
Jbmouth91 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 That's fair enough and I can understand why you did what you did and why my ex gf did what she did. She told me she will probably regret this decision and also said she probably will never meet another great person like me but feels it is something she has to do. it was 50/50 according to her and she does not want to talk to me until she is over me hahaha. But I was thinking about your ex bf's situation and I would probably feel the same if my ex ever came back. Just that the break up was such a confusing and hurtful time (although understandable from your point of view) that I would never want to go through that again. Would i ever trust her again is what I would also be thinking because can you truly believe that she will not leave me for the same reason? I would probably be paranoid and so the relationship would be unhealthy.
Author jadedjay Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 I don't want to put you on a downer here but just because you came round doesn't mean he will, what im trying to say is don't live in hope that he will because if he doesn't come back then it will hurt you even more. My best advice is to stick to NC and give him all the space he needs but just carry on with your life and don't keep hoping that he will come back, because he might not. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to here Lol that isn't close to what I wanted to hear. However it's good to hear because you're right, if I keep all my hope in him coming back and he doesn't I will be more devastated than I am now. I'm trying to keep myself occupied by hanging out with friends and spending more time with my family. I don't know if its fortunate or unfortunate but this isn't my first rodeo. So I'm hoping and praying that things work in my favor. Thank you for your advice/suggestions! They are all very much appreciated. And it keeps me from wanting to talk to him!
Jbmouth91 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I don't want to put you on a downer here but just because you came round doesn't mean he will, what im trying to say is don't live in hope that he will because if he doesn't come back then it will hurt you even more. My best advice is to stick to NC and give him all the space he needs but just carry on with your life and don't keep hoping that he will come back, because he might not. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to here And also like a dumper, a dumpee's feelings also change over time. They may realise by moving on whilst thinking you will never return helped them get through their situation at the time and may make them eventually realise that they are better off without the relationship. Not being rude or anything though, just a little note
Author jadedjay Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 That's fair enough and I can understand why you did what you did and why my ex gf did what she did. She told me she will probably regret this decision and also said she probably will never meet another great person like me but feels it is something she has to do. it was 50/50 according to her and she does not want to talk to me until she is over me hahaha. But I was thinking about your ex bf's situation and I would probably feel the same if my ex ever came back. Just that the break up was such a confusing and hurtful time (although understandable from your point of view) that I would never want to go through that again. Would i ever trust her again is what I would also be thinking because can you truly believe that she will not leave me for the same reason? I would probably be paranoid and so the relationship would be unhealthy. I think it's a really good sign since she was brave enough to actually tell you. I wasn't able to tell him for 4 months because I was afraid to say something fearing that he would leave in a rage. I think you are right to be cautious about trusting her in the future and I don't think you can fully comprehend her position unless you experience it yourself. But maybe with you reading other posts and getting feedback on your own situation things might end up different for you two. Sometimes I can't help but feel optimistic about broken relationships and work towards repairing it.
Author jadedjay Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 And also like a dumper, a dumpee's feelings also change over time. They may realise by moving on whilst thinking you will never return helped them get through their situation at the time and may make them eventually realise that they are better off without the relationship. Not being rude or anything though, just a little note I appreciate your response. I know there is a possibility that he may not want to get back together with me and he might be better off. But at the moment I'm just trying to stay positive and be optimistic.
Jbmouth91 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I think it's a really good sign since she was brave enough to actually tell you. I wasn't able to tell him for 4 months because I was afraid to say something fearing that he would leave in a rage. I think you are right to be cautious about trusting her in the future and I don't think you can fully comprehend her position unless you experience it yourself. But maybe with you reading other posts and getting feedback on your own situation things might end up different for you two. Sometimes I can't help but feel optimistic about broken relationships and work towards repairing it. The truth is I think that this sort of break up leaves the dumpee in a rage (most cases) because they simply cannot understand for so many reasons. I for one was angry, especially when she came back to me a week later after breaking up and said she wants to get back together but then changed her mind 3 days later saying she can't as she did this for a reason. I know in my case that she actually isn't sure whats best but feels it's something she has to do and figure out for herself. I obviously apologised and have since gone into no contact (almost 4 weeks) and just moving on with my life. I gave her everything and there were no problems in the relationship either so I can walk away knowing she got the best treatment I could give her and tried my absolute hardest (even she told me this) ... The truth is, i'm just not sure if I want her back because I don't want to be second best to anybody, nor do I want to go through the same thing with her. But until she comes back, I want to think that she's gone forever, that way I can just keep moving forward
Author jadedjay Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 The truth is I think that this sort of break up leaves the dumpee in a rage (most cases) because they simply cannot understand for so many reasons. I for one was angry, especially when she came back to me a week later after breaking up and said she wants to get back together but then changed her mind 3 days later saying she can't as she did this for a reason. I know in my case that she actually isn't sure whats best but feels it's something she has to do and figure out for herself. I obviously apologised and have since gone into no contact (almost 4 weeks) and just moving on with my life. I gave her everything and there were no problems in the relationship either so I can walk away knowing she got the best treatment I could give her and tried my absolute hardest (even she told me this) ... The truth is, i'm just not sure if I want her back because I don't want to be second best to anybody, nor do I want to go through the same thing with her. But until she comes back, I want to think that she's gone forever, that way I can just keep moving forward It's so amazing just how similar our situations were. I was the girl who called to get back with him after a week and break up a few days later. Which is why I think it's best to give that time and space that she's requesting. Getting back into it too soon only makes things worse. I actually got some advice from a friend that I should contact him and tell him that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. Is that good advice? Or should I continue with the no contact?
Jbmouth91 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 It's so amazing just how similar our situations were. I was the girl who called to get back with him after a week and break up a few days later. Which is why I think it's best to give that time and space that she's requesting. Getting back into it too soon only makes things worse. I actually got some advice from a friend that I should contact him and tell him that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. Is that good advice? Or should I continue with the no contact? Ye I know because our wounds would not have healed and so things would be still fresh. I was just upset at the moment she said no again because it felt like the whole world crushing down on me again when i was suppose to be mending. I didn't mean to react angrily but it just wasn't fair to lead me on so soon after the break up. I obviously apologised and told her that I've accepted the break up and that I still care for her and would be here if she ever needed me and i've never contacted her since and neither has she (That was almost 4 weeks ago) ... The best thing to do is to just stay in no contact because he knows you're interested again and he knows where to find you. Honestly, he wants to know that the decision he makes will not be one that he will regret so therefore you need him the time and space so that he can figure things out.
Jbmouth91 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Ye I know because our wounds would not have healed and so things would be still fresh. I was just upset at the moment she said no again because it felt like the whole world crushing down on me again when i was suppose to be mending. I didn't mean to react angrily but it just wasn't fair to lead me on so soon after the break up. I obviously apologised and told her that I've accepted the break up and that I still care for her and would be here if she ever needed me and i've never contacted her since and neither has she (That was almost 4 weeks ago) ... The best thing to do is to just stay in no contact because he knows you're interested again and he knows where to find you. Honestly, he wants to know that the decision he makes will not be one that he will regret so therefore you need him the time and space so that he can figure things out. And to add to this, Everyone said we were an amazing couple and looked so happy together and she also said that we were too. And she felt that we were meant to be but just not now (which was a bit forward). I still have love for her and miss her like hell but I just cannot go through this again and I want to move on with my life because holding onto hope that may never present itself would stop me from being happy and concentrating on the things I have now - rather than things that belong in the past and cannot change. I'm never ruling out getting back together with her but for my sake I need to move on as if she will never come back
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