lamaga Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) I am single, in my late twenties and have feelings for two guys. Backstory: Ex and me were together for a year. A rough one. My ex is Dutch, I am German. We met in NYC, became friends, then he moved away. A few months later we started talking online and fell for each other. 4 months LDR, followed by 6 months of living together, then LDR for 2 months again. Breakup happened when we were in LDR again. Reasons he named back then was that he was scared of the commitment, that living together was too much, being apart was too much, there was no middle ground... We rushed in, he felt overwhelmed, but he loves me and wished it would all be easier... blahblah...He also got a job offer abroad and that seemed to have been a factor too. I told him it would probably be better to not be in touch for a while, and so it went. During March, April, it was always him initiating email contact, we kept each other updated about our lives and every now and then he would write something like "This song made me think of you" or "You've never left my thoughts". The first two months after the breakup were so hard for me, that I barely ever emailed him back. But I took care of myself, did a lot of traveling, met great people, and well, two months in, I MET SOMEONE ELSE. A really GREAT GUY. Who I very very very much admire, and who I then spent 2 beautiful months with (May, June). This guy recently left to go back to the USA. We skype every day, but we are not in an LDR (decided it would be too much pressure right now, especially since we are both very busy academically, and we would just see where it goes whilst staying in touch). He is going to come back to Europe in January. NOW I just moved into my new home about 40 train minutes from my ex. Last weekend we met up for breakfast, first time in 4 months. I figured I was over him, cause ever since I met GREAT GUY I've felt really NOTHING when I was thinking of my ex. But as you guys can guess, it turned out different than expected. We talked forever, ended up taking a car ride to the north, walked around, had lunch, ended up talking more, had dinner, watched a movie... and I stayed the night. I probably shouldn't have, but it felt very right to lie in his arm. He took me for breakfast the next day and asked me out to the movies for this weekend. We then talked about how we were both feeling crazy about each other, but that we realize we can't go down the same road again, etc. I don't know how much he has learned about himself in the past 4 months. I can not determine that yet. I know 4 months is not a long time and I don't think we are ready at this point to get back together, I am aware of that. Is there a chance we are ruining this for ourselves forever if we spend time right now? It feels right to spend time right now, we both agreed. For me, it's not about being in a relationship with him. I want to spend time (over a period of months, or so) and see where it goes. That step alone is a bit strange already, but he is still the same guy that I used to love so much and he's been very sweet and poised and enthusiastic about what's going on in his life and what's going on in my life and I feel like we're both in a much better place right now than half a year ago. Should I tell the other guy that I am spending time with my ex? I told my ex everything about the new GREAT GUY and he understood that I wasn't ready right now to become physical again, since I had developed strong feelings for the other guy. I think it made him really sad but I wanted to be honest with him. Being honest to the guy on the skype chat is a little more difficult though. I feel like I should wait until maybe I decide to really have something happen with my ex, but then again, if new guy is coming back in 6 months, I can't be dating two guys at the same time... So should I just say nothing? I don't want to hurt anybody, I want to be honest to them and to myself, but I don't know if what I am doing right now is unfair, or wrong or bad or simply okay. I feel like I'm living Bridget Jones' life... Does anybody have some advice as to how I could handle this situation a bit more gracefully? I hope not to be judged... I know I've spent quite some time in the past months writing on here about new GREAT GUY... Duh! It was emotional enough, now I feel even more emotional. I have strong feelings for both of these guys, they are completely different people and I could see myself with either of them in a possible future. Right now, there is just no seriousness happening, because one is my ex and the other is far away. Sorry if what I wrote is too long, but thanks to anybody who did read it. It also just felt good to write it off my mind and heart for now... Edited July 5, 2013 by lamaga
eleve82 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 This is a hard one because relationships with exs are pretty unique - you can't really compare it with a new relationship rationally as you have history with your ex which will evoke more feelings. Ultimately, if I were you, I would ask myself who of the two is actually willing to commit - it sounds like the new guy isn't about to commit to you and is miles away- without any kind of commitment (him coming to Europe in half a year isn't really something you should count on), it would be almost foolish for you to bypass any other opportunity (whether an ex or not) for him. The fact that you didn't think about your ex during this time isn't really surprising nor is it a bad thing - creating that emotional distance was probably healthy. So if I were you, I would definitely not rule out dating again since the "new guy" isn't really a committed boyfriend. 1
Author lamaga Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 This is a hard one because relationships with exs are pretty unique - you can't really compare it with a new relationship rationally as you have history with your ex which will evoke more feelings. Ultimately, if I were you, I would ask myself who of the two is actually willing to commit - it sounds like the new guy isn't about to commit to you and is miles away- without any kind of commitment (him coming to Europe in half a year isn't really something you should count on), it would be almost foolish for you to bypass any other opportunity (whether an ex or not) for him. The fact that you didn't think about your ex during this time isn't really surprising nor is it a bad thing - creating that emotional distance was probably healthy. So if I were you, I would definitely not rule out dating again since the "new guy" isn't really a committed boyfriend. Thanks for the input. I think we are still far away from 'dating', we really are just spending time together and there is no definition for whatever it is we have... Maybe that's something that scares me a bit, but at the same time I am trying not to think about it too much.
Recommended Posts