Leftorright Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Hi Guys, New to the forum, great resource and comforting that many are in similar situations. My story is as follows and ill try to be brief...... Been with my wife for 8years, married for 4 of them. At first everything was good but recently my feelings have changed. We have a good relationship and care for each other deeply, however over the last 2 years we have had sex maybe 6or 7 times, normally after heavy drinking. I'm 34 and she is 33 by the way. The reason for this is mainly my fault. Quite simply, I am not attracted to her in aphysical way anymore and even when I try to make love to her, I end up stopping as I can get my head around it. We have become more like room mate or best friends than lovers. The other thing I need to admit is that I have been unfaithful, in fact several times recently with different women. At first it was about sex but then I started seeing someone regularly and grew feelings for that person. I ended that relationship as I know I need to fix my current situation, however it scared me how good it felt to be with someone that I actually had feelings for in a physical way. I know I need to address this with my wife but am scared about bringing it up and don't know where to start. She thinks everything is fine and is happy with me. She doesn't work and relies on me a lot sociallynetc. The scariest thing about all this is how she would cope if we ended up splitting up. Confused about a lot of things.....
Gunny376 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I am not attracted to her in a physical way anymore and even when I try to make love to her Gezzz! I guess your kind of sorta screwed when it comes to getting older, and your HotBabe~HS/College cheerleader ~ Playboy Bunny days are behind ya' huh? So your wanting to dump the wife for some "fantasy" of a woman or women, that you might get five or ten years play out of until they've used and abused you and have sucked you dry for everything that your worth. Great news for ya! I've got a solution to your problem ~ and an answer to your question! Not just a short term one either! One that you can use in your old age! Its ~ wait for it ~ 1-800-CALL A VEGAS HOOKER! I hate to be the one to break it to you? But there's actually more to women, to be married, to having a wife than their having a vagina you know? People react to the way that you treat them. You want a HBX10 wife? Then you need to learn how to treat her like she's the most valuable woman on the face of the Earth. There was once a village in which men barter with Fathers for their wives. A HBX10, good cook, housekeeper etc? Would go for 10 cows. There was this one old boy that had a homely azz daughter. She was a clutch, couldn't do anything right. Couldn't even boil water. She was just terrible! He didn't know what to do with her ~ just knew he was stuck with her forever. One day a kid came to him and offered him 15 cows for her if he would let her be his wife? The old man was appalled? He would have taken a sick, three legged goat for her. He was so embarrassed he tried to talk the kid out of it. But the kid let him know, that the reason he wanted to pay 15 cows for her was because he wanted HER to know how much he valued her. The old man made one condition, that he take her out of the village to save him the embarrassment of facing the rest of the village everyday. A couple of years later there was a jubilee. An event that took place only every so many years, and all were required by the village chief to attend. The villagers couldn't believe their eyes, because there before them was the most beautiful, charming, graceful, talented, gifted, wise, caring, nurturing, giving, sensual, sexual maiden in all of the land! :eek: :eek: So you go ahead and divorce her, you make her the perfect wife for some luckey soul. Break her heart, treat her like dirt, treat her life a VLSS ~ a Vaginal Life Support System ~ a sperm depository. I'm not saying she's prefect ~ she may even be flawed? She may have some rough edges and such. She may need some polishing, and buffing. But you need to take a seriously close look at the the THREE FINGERS you've got pointing back at ya' ~ before you go a pointing fingers at someone else! 3
elfman Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Hey, Well its not common to see a WS posting here, I imagine you'll get enough bashing from BS's so I am not even going to go there. I do have some questions: 1.- Have you been to counseling? 2.- Does she know you've cheated? 3.- Do you have your financials in order and are considering her financial welbeing if you ask for a separation/divorce? 4.- Have you tried counseling alone? Where is this "love but not in love" thing comming from? 5.- Are there kids involved? I honestly commend you because obviously you're not feeling good about what you're doing to her behind her back, (albeit you're not terribly concerned, because you did it multiple times). I do think you have a right to be happy, but not at the expense of her time... consider this, her time is your own when she is your wife and you are considering her as your future, but at the slightest hint of you considering an alternate future, you have no right to play with her time. Be honest, but smart, infidelity can blow up in your face financially... At least be honest to her about not wanting her as your wife anymore... I bet we'll see her post here soon too, so be careful how much of this story she can identify with. E. 1
Author Leftorright Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Thanks for the replies..... all of them!! Answers below...... 1.- Have you been to counseling? No, she has no clue about anything right now. 2.- Does she know you've cheated? No, but the fact that I have done a number of times tells me there is something really wrong in our relationship. 3.- Do you have your financials in order and are considering her financial welbeing if you ask for a separation/divorce? Absolutely, we have houses and money, I would make sure she is more than looked after. 4.- Have you tried counseling alone? Where is this "love but not in love" thing comming from? No I haven't but had thought abouth looking into it. Anyone have any experience of this, I've never been to any sort of councellor, I guess there just gonna tell me what I already know?? I guess I'm trying to say that I care about her a lot, but just find it hard to be attracted to or give her what she wants physically. 5.- Are there kids involved? No kids...... I guess my head is pretty screwed up right now, good to get some honest feedback. Thanks 1
Leegh Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I would not have any kids with her until you make a decision, as if you have kids, you are pretty much stuck with her for quite a few more years. You couldn't leave a pregnant wife. Take some time, and decide what you want. Break-ups happen all the time, and I don't mean to sound crass, but over time your wife will find someone new. Possibly you could think about it for a good long time (six months) and make a decision by early next year, as the fall and the holiday season is not a good time to end a relationship. Most couples "pull the plug" in Jan. or Feb. of the new year. Please don't blame yourself, sometimes feelings just fade for a particular person. It's happened to most people. Good Luck
elfman Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Thanks for the replies..... all of them!! Answers below...... 1.- Have you been to counseling? No, she has no clue about anything right now. 2.- Does she know you've cheated? No, but the fact that I have done a number of times tells me there is something really wrong in our relationship. 3.- Do you have your financials in order and are considering her financial welbeing if you ask for a separation/divorce? Absolutely, we have houses and money, I would make sure she is more than looked after. 4.- Have you tried counseling alone? Where is this "love but not in love" thing comming from? No I haven't but had thought abouth looking into it. Anyone have any experience of this, I've never been to any sort of councellor, I guess there just gonna tell me what I already know?? I guess I'm trying to say that I care about her a lot, but just find it hard to be attracted to or give her what she wants physically. 5.- Are there kids involved? No kids...... I guess my head is pretty screwed up right now, good to get some honest feedback. Thanks Well, it is good that you are thinking about her welbeing if you divorce. The fact that you do not have kids is great and should make it pretty easy. As much as you care for her, its a fact you have cheated and that takes a lot of effort in a GOOD marriage to get over, let alone in a marriage that isnt working correctly. A counselor CAN tell you what you already know, but he can also tell you things you may have not considered AND can give you a third person perspective. It is important that he is a proffesional and not a "do-what-you-need-to-be-happy sort of guy". In my experience, even though he/she will not be judgemental, he should let you know decisively that cheating is never the answer... so that will be your first clue of whether or not he's a McShrink! Take care, and try to get your mind straight before damaging your relationship more with more 3rd party vagina... E.
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Thanks for the replies..... all of them!! Answers below...... 1.- Have you been to counseling? No, she has no clue about anything right now. 2.- Does she know you've cheated? No, but the fact that I have done a number of times tells me there is something really wrong in our relationship. 3.- Do you have your financials in order and are considering her financial well being if you ask for a separation/divorce? Absolutely, we have houses and money, I would make sure she is more than looked after. 4.- Have you tried counseling alone? Where is this "love but not in love" thing coming from? No I haven't but had thought about looking into it. Anyone have any experience of this, I've never been to any sort of counselor, I guess there just gonna tell me what I already know?? I guess I'm trying to say that I care about her a lot, but just find it hard to be attracted to or give her what she wants physically. 5.- Are there kids involved? No kids...... I guess my head is pretty screwed up right now, good to get some honest feedback. Thanks I wasn't trying to beat you up ~ but I did want to get you take a good long hard look at yourself and your situation. The World is full of people who have said "I wish" and then got what they wish for and spend a lifetime regretting it. A person's looks, appearance isn't always relevant. You show me the hottest HBX10 Playboy Bunny of the freaking millennium and I can find at least one or more man who's not just tired of her but tired of putting up with the her crap. Then you have to look at Arnold Schwarzenegger and is mistress that he had a child with, and you can't help but go WTF?
GettnOffTheFence Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 The World is full of people who have said "I wish" and then got what they wish for and spend a lifetime regretting it. The world is also full of people who said "I wish" and then got what they wished for and spend a lifetime of happiness.
GettnOffTheFence Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I guess I'm trying to say that I care about her a lot, but just find it hard to be attracted to or give her what she wants physically. When you say you're not attracted to her, do you mean she's not an attractive woman anymore (ie..gained a lot of weight) or are you saying you don't feel passionate/chemistry with her anymore? Another way to look at is can you objectively say that she's an attractive woman who won't have trouble getting the attention of men?
eleve82 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 You were never in the right stage in your life to get married and should not marry. You are immature and irresponsible. No matter who you THINK you want to be with, you need to seriously examine your shortcomings. To have affairs with other women and justify it by saying "there is something wrong with the relationship" is simply trying to validate your own actions after the fact. No - there is something wrong with YOU. A responsible person with self control would have at least tried to resolve the issues of the relationship with the partner instead of just womanising. Many relationships have problems - the sensible and mature solution would have been to try to fix the marriage first. Instead, you ran into to someone else arms. Where is your respect for your own life and relationship? Yet you carry a hint of scorn for the woman who has been faithful to you because she is "dependent" on you. I've seen many a very average guy think that because they have affairs with much more attractive women, that they "deserve more" and are desirable. Here's the news - most women who enjoy affairs and pursue married men are doing it to stroke their OWN ego and satisfy their OWN attention cravings. You will find them suddenly becoming a lot more selective when they are pushed to consider a long term relationship. If you end up splitting with your wife - I hope you will at least consider this reality. Don't make the mistake of comparing a long term relationship with short term infatuation(s) - life has a way of throwing us off kilter with different options at different stages of our life, only our sensibilities (and not base instincts) can help us make the right decisions by having the perspective to know you are NOT comparing like for like. Any other reasoning is self delusional. Take a good hard look at yourself - if you play the game of going for looks, do you have what it takes? If you have the good fortune of looking like Brad Pitt, the cruel reality is that you will probably have a good chance of attracting most women. If you are an ordinary human like most of us, you will need more than a pretty face to keep someone attracted to you. Reality check: Right now, NOTHING you have demonstrated - selfishness, immaturity, infidelity, evasion, lack of discipline - is attractive to ANYONE. Perhaps after talking to your wife, some space is necessary - for your wife to wean off you and become more independent so that she will stand on her own two feet (and any woman with pride and half a brain will do so). The cruel irony is, if she is indeed anything like the women you want, she will find it in herself to walk away from you, quickly, and decisively.
GettnOffTheFence Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I've seen many a very average guy think that because they have affairs with much more attractive women, that they "deserve more" and are desirable. Here's the news - most women who enjoy affairs and pursue married men are doing it to stroke their OWN ego and satisfy their OWN attention cravings. You will find them suddenly becoming a lot more selective when they are pushed to consider a long term relationship. Do you have any empirical evidence to back up this claim?
Yasuandio Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 (edited) Do you have any empirical evidence to back up this claim? This is not an empeirical research site. And data isn't necessary to back up common sense. That said, man, is your head in the sand, or what? You mean you are not aware of Ruth Dickson's personal research documented in the 1967 publication entitled: Married Men Make the Best Lovers? Duh. Edited July 6, 2013 by Yasuandio
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Dated 4 years Married 4 years No kids Little sex due to your lack of attraction for her, not the reverse (meaning your choice) You have cheated multiple times, didn't mention if you have ever been faithful. Started to "feel" something for one of your AP/OW so you broke it off cause it scared you You feel that you are best friends but you don't lust after her You've never mentioned you are unhappy to your wife She thinks things are fine You have never had therapy/IC You have not had marriage counseling You do not seem to want to work on the marriage. You did not mention feeling guilty or bad about being unfaithful or breaking your vows. You did not seem to worry about the impact fallout of your affairs on your wife (or family, friends, etc) You do not seem to be worried about STD, pregnancy etc. You are worriedly how she would handle a breakup (emotionally?) You feel you could/would be financially ok if you broke up. (Did you mean you would both be ok?) Sound right? Marriage to your best friend. Gosh I just came from a lovely wedding where they said that during the toast. I think that people would envy that. But of course it's not true is it, because if you were HER best friend you would not have done something so devastating to her without even trying to fix it. Did you know that attraction comes and goes and yes sometimes dims a bit if you don't feed and nurture it. Relationships take work. I don't think you have it in you. Do her a favor sit down this weekend and tell her you have been having affairs and you don't want to be married anymore. Just that simple. She'll cry and maybe throw you out and then she will begin to get over you. Rip the bandage. I would run away fast if I were her. Fast and far and find someone who will cherish her, make passionate love until she's old. And by the way, you will regret it. I promise. Maybe not right away, but someday you will.
GettnOffTheFence Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 And data isn't necessary to back up common sense. I didn't see any common sense in that post. Just agenda driven rantings. There are a lot of bitter people around here who throw out claims they'd like to think are common sense because it makes them feel better about their situation.
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I didn't see any common sense in that post. Just agenda driven rantings. There are a lot of bitter people around here who throw out claims they'd like to think are common sense because it makes them feel better about their situation. Hate to burst your bubble their Slick Happily married ~ was happily single. I'm one of those that takes personal responsibility for my personal happinessand don't seek it from nor in others. I just believe that when you take an oath it means more than just mouthing a few words like a parrot. Personally when I make a promise or take and oath ~ I do my utmost to keep it and be a man of my word. When I joined the Marine Corps I didn't swear an oath to protect and defend some of the people some of the time when I was feeling it. When I got married I? I don't recall their being any "Yea but,............... or "Up to...................or "If" clauses in there? Could be my memory is slipping, I don't know. There wasn't anything in there about "I promise to love, honor, and obey, forsaking all others in so long as you don't get fat, put on a few pounds, always agree with me, do everything my way, and/or until in so long as I'm "feeling like it!" I'm working hard everyday to be the best man and best husband I can be to Mrs. Gunny. And I'm committed to her and our marriage. Too many people in this day and age think any and everything is disposable. Good damn thing alot of people don't think and feel that way. I'm not saying there's not just cause for divorce ~ certainly there is. And most states have already listed those as reasons. But no where in the annuals of Western-Judeo law (nor any other religion or cultural law that I'm aware of) is "I'm just not feeling it for ya anymore!" Listed as one of them. 3
Yasuandio Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I didn't see any common sense in that post. Just agenda driven rantings. There are a lot of bitter people around here who throw out claims they'd like to think are common sense because it makes them feel better about their situation. Huh?!?!? Upon what criterion do you base this accusation? Dude, you are really on a roll tonight! Maybe you need to see a doctor, Mr. GettinOffonTheFence, cause you are sounding kinda of paranoid: "There are a lot of bitter people around here......." "They'd like to think..... [this and that]" "It makes them feel better...." Who are "them?" AND, what is "their" situation? ============================================ Do you see what I mean here? Please, schedule a wellness check-up, just to be on the safe side.
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 "There are a lot of bitter people around here......." "They'd like to think..... [this and that]" "It makes them feel better...." Who are "them?" AND, what is "their" situation? QUOTE] ( Raising hand!) I know, I know! Its those same sorry SOB's we have at work! I keep telling upper management in the front office that if we can find out who "they" are and take them out and hang those sorry bastards? We would solve over halve of the problems we have at work!
beach Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Just tell her ASAP. Be honest and tell her you've been unfaithful and she deserves better. 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 most PEOPLE who enjoy affairs and pursue married PEOPLE are doing it to stroke their OWN ego and satisfy their OWN attention cravings. Offthefence, this is the basic "known" of affairs. You can find this statement or similar along with all kinds of empirical evidence if you are interested in collecting the data. I warn you however it's very discouraging for someone who thinks that affairs happen cause their spouse was a big ol' meany, or won't have sex, or got fat. Having an affair is a persons way of dealing with unhappiness. Some people drink, some spend money, some have affairs, none of those things fix the unhappiness so they have to keep getting a hit to feel better. Ultimately they now have the original issue and some sort of destruction based on their unhealthy coping mechanism. You seem hostile, maybe start your own thread and we can help you directly? Lets go back to helping this guy. 1
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