Had a lap dance and have now risked everything

[Lixxy]

I reiterate that she is overreacting. She is "milking" the situation. She has every right to get mad but this isn't worth ending a relationship over. So she is either threatening him ( to teach him a lesson) or she actually believes that this is worth ending the relationship over. It's her choice but I hope she is able to see beyond her anger and embrace the man who loves her so much and is willing to do anything to make things right.

 

I actually agreed with your post right up until this point...

 

I don't understand how can you say that she has every right to get mad, and yet, her being mad (or upset) is somehow threatening him... or milking the situation?

 

Surely if she didn't have a right to get mad - but did - that would be milking it?

[Els]

That was typo. It was six years. Im sure I typed that out in my previous posts.

 

People come here and talk about all these rules.....truth is, real life doesn't work that way.

Tolerating bad behaviour from poorly behaved men is one thing, throwing away a good man because of ONE single incident is just plain dumb. I'm sure NONE of you on this board would throw away a man you loved/ a man who loved you so desperately because of ONE SLIP.

 

Rules, rules rules don't work in real life. Life is too complicated to abide by a rigid set of rules. If you don't believe in forgiveness, second chances, compassion and tolerance, then you are unlikely to sustain a long term relationship unless you meet the "perfect man". Nobody is perfect! The question is: do you think the person is worth it?

 

It depends on what the slip was, and how seriously the person rates it. That is entirely their prerogative to decide. If you notice, I am not laying out any 'rules', but rather going by the framework that the OP and his gf have established for their relationship.

 

For the record, it's perfectly possible to sustain a LTR while maintaining the boundaries that are important to you. My own experience attests to that. That does not mean automatically ruling out forgiveness, yes (which, for the last time, we do not know whether or not the OP's gf has), but it also means not letting other people decide for you whether or not what happened was significant and whether or not it should be a dealbreaker.

[Sunshine87]

I actually agreed with your post right up until this point...

 

I don't understand how can you say that she has every right to get mad, and yet, her being mad (or upset) is somehow threatening him... or milking the situation?

 

Surely if she didn't have a right to get mad - but did - that would be milking it?

 

She is currently deliberating over the relationship....whether to end it not. That's different ( in my opinion) from getting angry without contemplating leaving the relationship. Right now, the OP is unsure right? She may or may not come back.

 

I can't dictate how a woman should respond to her BF's "indiscretions" but if I were her I would get mad, maybe give him the silent treatment for a day or two. But I wouldn't threaten to leave the relationship over this/ put him through this misery. I guess this will teach him a lesson though. Lol. . But I worry about partners who find it hard to forgive when they should. Eventually, it takes a toll on the relationship. I bet you that this GF of his has made mistakes in the past too. OP said they BOTH kissed other people. So she is human after all.

 

He is even seeing a therapist. Wow. What else can he do to show her how

sorry he is?

 

If I were her friend, ild tell her to attend therapy with his BF in order to allay or deal with any unresolved emotions. But I personally don't think the Bf needs therapy....maybe counselling but not therapy. He has not shown any signs of sexual indiscretion or any fundamental character flaws. There are no trends either, he appears to have conducted the relationship with love, care and consideration and most importantly he is so so so sorry! Even Judges in law courts are often lenient on first time offenders!

[irc333]

 

In principle, I think a 6yr LTR should be able to survive this, but it's all in her hands now.

 

WEll, at least you were honest about it, but I'm wondering how 6 years could go by without a marriage proposal? Typically, there is some tipping point (such as this situation) where she was also thinking that since you two never got married, it's motivation enough to "cut ties" with you.

 

Just a sidebar situation, she could've been thinking that as well, even if she wasn't, she might have thought 6 years was long enough to move on....and this may be reason to do so, I hope it doesn't happen though...but just saying....that if it was even a factor...if she wasn't the kind of woman expecting marriage from you, then that may not be the case.

[Divasu]

It's not big deal. I was at a male entertainment show once for a birthday party (not mine) and was taken by one of the male strippers involuntarily, brought up on stage tied up to a chair so I couldn't move, and he rubbed his peener on my face and touched my breasts. It was embarrassing and I kinda felt molested.

 

Having said that, I don't think regular attendance to these types of venues when you're in a relationship, is appropriate. You were at a bachelor party, and doesn't sound like you did anything shady or inappropriate (IE: kissing mouth to mouth, touching her private parts, her touching your private parts, and among other things...). Well, your hands were on her bottom (you walked a fine line there).

[miss_jaclynrae]

She is currently deliberating over the relationship....whether to end it not. That's different ( in my opinion) from getting angry without contemplating leaving the relationship. Right now, the OP is unsure right? She may or may not come back.

 

I can't dictate how a woman should respond to her BF's "indiscretions" but if I were her I would get mad, maybe give him the silent treatment for a day or two. But I wouldn't threaten to leave the relationship over this/ put him through this misery. I guess this will teach him a lesson though. Lol. . But I worry about partners who find it hard to forgive when they should. Eventually, it takes a toll on the relationship. I bet you that this GF of his has made mistakes in the past too. OP said they BOTH kissed other people. So she is human after all.

 

He is even seeing a therapist. Wow. What else can he do to show her how

sorry he is?

 

If I were her friend, ild tell her to attend therapy with his BF in order to allay or deal with any unresolved emotions. But I personally don't think the Bf needs therapy....maybe counselling but not therapy. He has not shown any signs of sexual indiscretion or any fundamental character flaws. There are no trends either, he appears to have conducted the relationship with love, care and consideration and most importantly he is so so so sorry! Even Judges in law courts are often lenient on first time offenders!

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder how you would react if your significant other slept with someone else and was honest about it and extremely remorseful. Would you still say the same thing?

 

 

 

 

Breaking trust is breaking trust.

Kudos for him for being honest, but i wont give him more for feeling bad. He SHOULD feel bad. She is thinking over the relationship and she has every reason to. I'm not saying he is going to do it again, or that it makes him more likely to cheat, I don't believe in any of that, because people do make mistakes.

 

 

 

 

Mistake have consequences though. He is about to find out whether the consequences he gets from his mistake were worth it.

[kaylan]

WEll, at least you were honest about it, but I'm wondering how 6 years could go by without a marriage proposal? Typically, there is some tipping point (such as this situation) where she was also thinking that since you two never got married, it's motivation enough to "cut ties" with you.

 

Just a sidebar situation, she could've been thinking that as well, even if she wasn't, she might have thought 6 years was long enough to move on....and this may be reason to do so, I hope it doesn't happen though...but just saying....that if it was even a factor...if she wasn't the kind of woman expecting marriage from you, then that may not be the case.

They met in university, and one of them was on exchange, so its likely they arent even 30 yet. Thats how you can date for 6 years and not be married. Never mind the atlantic ocean hopping theyve done. I can understand wanting to really be sure about upping and moving your life to another country before marrying.

[Jet]

Frankly, while I think what you did is terrible, I commend you for being so honestly contrite and caring.

 

About the trip.... If I was her, I'd absolutely want you to do something extraordinary to prove you love me, like canceling that holiday and coming to spend time with me.

 

But she may be different. She may need that time away from you. Ask her. Tell her you WANT to go see her, but you won't if she needs to be away from you. Give her the choice... but make it clear that you want to go see her.

 

I think you two need to see each other ASAP. Otherwise, she may use the distance to detach herself from you, and by the time you see each other, there will be nothing left to save.

 

I have cancelled the holiday and will work out the best way to get myself over there. I have some ideas for special things we could do together that will hopefully help. I only plan to stay for 3-4 days to give her 3 days either side of that for the 'alone time' that she wants and needs. I agree with the detachment point, that is exactly what is worrying me.

 

Well, we can continue the slightly OT debate, or we can address the fact that OP and his gf did set the standard for what does and doesn't work in their relationship. OP screwed up, acknowledges this. He's making the effort to repair things.

 

OP, have you heard from your girlfriend since? Give her a bit of space, but that doesn't mean don't contact her at all. Why did she have to go all the way back to the U.S.? Couldn't she have stayed a bit closer (like a hotel, or with friends in town) while figuring this stuff out? This is somewhat worrisome.

 

Make sure she knows how guilty you feel, and how hard you're working toward fixing all of this.

 

I wish you the best.

 

She called me today and we spoke for a bit. I will call her soon to see how she is doing. The US trip was a pre-planned one (some work days with some leave either side to see friends and family) and I would have gone with her, were it not for my actions. So the only noteworthy point in that sense is that I am not with her as she wants time to think at this point, which I understand.

 

I wonder how you would react if your significant other slept with someone else and was honest about it and extremely remorseful. Would you still say the same thing?

 

Breaking trust is breaking trust.

Kudos for him for being honest, but i wont give him more for feeling bad. He SHOULD feel bad. She is thinking over the relationship and she has every reason to. I'm not saying he is going to do it again, or that it makes him more likely to cheat, I don't believe in any of that, because people do make mistakes.

 

Mistake have consequences though. He is about to find out whether the consequences he gets from his mistake were worth it.

 

I hope that she can feel like this is a mistake and that everyone makes mistakes but I am very nervous about this.

 

I can see how my actions have given the impression that I am tempted by that sort of thing or that this is a gateway to further cheating but that's not how I feel. I am trying to find out exactly why I did this by talking to someone because I actually feel pretty freaked out as to why I would do this to my girlfriend. I think strip clubs are very odd concepts (though not as a business model, they clearly work...) and so, while I am disgusted with myself for what I have done, my focus is on not hurting her again (through any action), rather than focusing on not going to strip clubs again. That is not the main issue, though certainly she feels very strongly about it. It is the rebuilding of her trust that is the thing I need to do, not convincing her I won't go to a strip club (I hadn't done so for 28 years and won't do again). As most have noted, it is the breaking of the boundary that primarily needs to be addressed (though why that breaking had to be done via a lap dance will be a pretty close second) and I hope by seeing her in the US this week it will be the first in a long series of steps that may see us okay. But I can see this going both ways and while my hope is for us to stay together, I can see the alternative scenario.

[starrynightz45]

It really makes no difference what anyone thinks about strippers or strip clubs or lap dances here. It doesn't even matter if anyone thinks she overreacted (which she didn't.)

 

YOU agreed to not go because when you care about someone, you compromise. She wasn't ok with it, you said you understood, and agreed not to go. That's the end of that. It wouldn't have ended your world if you had stuck to your word and not gone. Yea, you were at a bachelor party, but I don't think a bunch of guys would have cared so much about you skipping the the strip club as much as your girlfriend would care about you deciding to go. It seems to me like you were wiling to hurt your girlfriend to go to keep the boys happy - so think about those priorities. Seems to me like they were more important than her feelings, and you just thought you'd deal with her later.

 

Also, who controls your thoughts/actions? You, or everyone else? You talked to your girlfriend, and agreed not to go to club. Then you talked to your boys, and decided to go. As if that's not bad enough, THEN you talked to the stripper and were "coerced" into the lap dance that you paid $300 for. Sorry, but you really need to be better able to control your own thoughts, actions, and responses. Who cares if some stripper is pressuring you into a dance..this is what they do! You should have had your girlfriend in mind, and the fact that you had already bent the rules by being in there in the first place.

 

That's not very considerate. I don't think what you did was right, and I don't think she's overreacting at all.

[KathyM]

Bottom line, you lied to her and you cheated on her. (Yes, having a lap dance is cheating). You devalued your relationship with her, putting this act of greater importance to you than your relationship with her, since you were willing to lie and cheat. She is not overreacting. You have shown her that you are willing to lie to her and cheat on her, and that you can't be trusted. Understandably, she is having serious second thoughts about your relationship.

[starrynightz45]

I have cancelled the holiday and will work out the best way to get myself over there. I have some ideas for special things we could do together that will hopefully help. I only plan to stay for 3-4 days to give her 3 days either side of that for the 'alone time' that she wants and needs. I agree with the detachment point, that is exactly what is worrying me.

 

 

 

She called me today and we spoke for a bit. I will call her soon to see how she is doing. The US trip was a pre-planned one (some work days with some leave either side to see friends and family) and I would have gone with her, were it not for my actions. So the only noteworthy point in that sense is that I am not with her as she wants time to think at this point, which I understand.

 

 

 

I hope that she can feel like this is a mistake and that everyone makes mistakes but I am very nervous about this.

 

I can see how my actions have given the impression that I am tempted by that sort of thing or that this is a gateway to further cheating but that's not how I feel. I am trying to find out exactly why I did this by talking to someone because I actually feel pretty freaked out as to why I would do this to my girlfriend. I think strip clubs are very odd concepts (though not as a business model, they clearly work...) and so, while I am disgusted with myself for what I have done, my focus is on not hurting her again (through any action), rather than focusing on not going to strip clubs again. That is not the main issue, though certainly she feels very strongly about it. It is the rebuilding of her trust that is the thing I need to do, not convincing her I won't go to a strip club (I hadn't done so for 28 years and won't do again). As most have noted, it is the breaking of the boundary that primarily needs to be addressed (though why that breaking had to be done via a lap dance will be a pretty close second) and I hope by seeing her in the US this week it will be the first in a long series of steps that may see us okay. But I can see this going both ways and while my hope is for us to stay together, I can see the alternative scenario.

 

 

I have to be completely honest here - you said you've made painful "mistakes" before, thus her trust was shattered prior to this, and delicate. If it was really that important to you to MAINTAIN her trust, you would have stuck to your word and avoided the club entirely. But not only did you GO, you ALSO got a private dance AND had your hands all over the stripper. How many "mistakes" can you make in one night before it's no longer a mistake, and it's you willingly going ahead with what you want to do, disregarding her feelings?

 

Sorry, but i'm not buying it. I think you did what you wanted to do, and now you're hoping that she'll brush it aside like she did in the past and you can go about your merry way until the next time you decide to do something similar.

[Jet]

It really makes no difference what anyone thinks about strippers or strip clubs or lap dances here. It doesn't even matter if anyone thinks she overreacted (which she didn't.)

 

YOU agreed to not go because when you care about someone, you compromise. She wasn't ok with it, you said you understood, and agreed not to go. That's the end of that. It wouldn't have ended your world if you had stuck to your word and not gone. Yea, you were at a bachelor party, but I don't think a bunch of guys would have cared so much about you skipping the the strip club as much as your girlfriend would care about you deciding to go. It seems to me like you were wiling to hurt your girlfriend to go to keep the boys happy - so think about those priorities. Seems to me like they were more important than her feelings, and you just thought you'd deal with her later.

 

Also, who controls your thoughts/actions? You, or everyone else? You talked to your girlfriend, and agreed not to go to club. Then you talked to your boys, and decided to go. As if that's not bad enough, THEN you talked to the stripper and were "coerced" into the lap dance that you paid $300 for. Sorry, but you really need to be better able to control your own thoughts, actions, and responses. Who cares if some stripper is pressuring you into a dance..this is what they do! You should have had your girlfriend in mind, and the fact that you had already bent the rules by being in there in the first place.

 

That's not very considerate. I don't think what you did was right, and I don't think she's overreacting at all.

 

I agree and when I said "coerced", I hoped to have made it clear that it was my feeling alone, and I am in any way blaming the stripper. It was my decision and I mentioned in my final paragraph that no descriptions of my feelings, etc were not meant to mitigate my actions. You are right, however, I should have borne in mind my girlfriend's feelings much more than I did.

 

I have to be completely honest here - you said you've made painful "mistakes" before, thus her trust was shattered prior to this, and delicate. If it was really that important to you to MAINTAIN her trust, you would have stuck to your word and avoided the club entirely. But not only did you GO, you ALSO got a private dance AND had your hands all over the stripper. How many "mistakes" can you make in one night before it's no longer a mistake, and it's you willingly going ahead with what you want to do, disregarding her feelings?

 

Sorry, but i'm not buying it. I think you did what you wanted to do, and now you're hoping that she'll brush it aside like she did in the past and you can go about your merry way until the next time you decide to do something similar.

 

I don't mean that she should brush this aside. My very first post said that I understand what I have done and I would like everyone's input on how I may be able to salvage things. The best case scenario would be, yes, that she views this as a mistake but I don't think that will be the case.

[Els]

Have you talked to her again so far, OP, and given her the emotional assurance she needs?

 

What has she said?