Had a lap dance and have now risked everything

[kaylan]

Physical contact with others outside of the parameters of the relationship = cheating. Come on people, stop trying to make excuses for this. So its cheating with some random girl, but not cheating with a stripper? Really?

[Arabella]

PS - to those who dont think what OP did was a big idea. Just think about if there is a next time? How many stories have we heard of people actually kissing, and getting sexual with the strippers? Sorry, but for me, there are no degrees of cheating. Once a girl crosses the line...shes out and trust is broken and lost forever.

 

I've personally witnessed and heard of many people getting sexual with strippers. Most do it as a side thing to some degree.

 

I feel the exact same way in regards to the "line". Once you cross it, it doesn't matter how far you've gone... the trust has been broken, period. Good to see a guy around here who feels this way as well.

[kaylan]

I've personally witnessed and heard of many people getting sexual with strippers. Most do it as a side thing to some degree.

 

I feel the exact same way in regards to the "line". Once you cross it, it doesn't matter how far you've gone... the trust has been broken, period. Good to see a guy around here who feels this way as well.

Its easy to be one of those guys who feels this way when Ive dated cheaters who tried to rationalize their behavior away. Nevermind them lying to me as well.

[Drseussgrrl]

I dunno - I've been to strip clubs and it's just a novelty. I mean, if a dude was going on the reg and having their lunch buffet - well then yeah that's a problem.

 

But if my bf was going to a bachelor party in Vegas I would assume it's pretty much a given that he'll have boobs in his face at some point. They don't go to sit around and knit and gossip. I don't consider it cheating. But that's just me.

 

Ok - so the kid went to Vegas and got a lap dance when he said he wouldn't. He promptly told her, cut the trip short, and is trying to make amends.

 

It was a stupid mistake for sure, but come on. THERAPY? Having her leave the country?? Yes - this is being blown way out of proportion. I don't think this incident makes him some lowlife who can't keep his promises.

[kaylan]

To be honest, a strip club lap dance is not a big deal. It's just simulated intimacy that is completely rehearsed. Not romantic, not really erotic. I think women who have a problem with it should go to a strip club with their man, and examine what goes on during a lap dance. It's true that some strippers let you suck on their boobs or finger them inside their underwear for extra tip, but you have the option to just have a plain vanilla lap dance. Really not a big deal.

When you next gf goes to Chippendales in NYC or Thunder from Down Under in Vegas, let us know how you feel if she jerks off one of male strippers or sucks on their hard chest muscles.

 

I hope youd be ok with that. Its just simulated intimacy ya know.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Physical contact with others outside of the parameters of the relationship = cheating. Come on people, stop trying to make excuses for this. So its cheating with some random girl, but not cheating with a stripper? Really?

 

In this case, yes. It does cross that line, since his hands were on the stripper-whether she placed them there, or not (after all, he could have pulled away).

 

Usually though, (or at least where I live) you're not allowed to touch the strippers. They dance in your lap, and nothing more (unless you pay extra, of course, but it's usually tits in the face, or something).

 

It makes me really wonder; I'm on the fence with it, myself. But any man in a relationship getting any kind of lap dance-even the lesser ones I've mentioned-does it constitute as cheating?

 

I suppose it depends on how the spouse feels; if she says she's uncomfortable with him getting a lap dance (not just going to the strip club; then it would be blown out of proportion) then he'd best not get a lap dance, or he risks being labelled a cheater.

 

I guess this is the problem, though; not everyone agrees where the line is. So, it's up to the couple to decide where it is, and if one of them crosses it, that's what constitutes as cheating, in their relationship.

 

Sorry, kind of rambling. Just thinking, really.

[kaylan]

I dunno - I've been to strip clubs and it's just a novelty. I mean, if a dude was going on the reg and having their lunch buffet - well then yeah that's a problem.

 

But if my bf was going to a bachelor party in Vegas I would assume it's pretty much a given that he'll have boobs in his face at some point. They don't go to sit around and knit and gossip. I don't consider it cheating. But that's just me.

 

Ok - so the kid went to Vegas and got a lap dance when he said he wouldn't. He promptly told her, cut the trip short, and is trying to make amends.

 

It was a stupid mistake for sure, but come on. THERAPY? Having her leave the country?? Yes - this is being blown way out of proportion. I don't think this incident makes him some lowlife who can't keep his promises.

He just showed he couldnt keep his word to her. He just showed hes easily tempted to touch other women and even pay for it. Thats not the kind of mate most people want. And I definitely wouldnt wife up a girl like that.

 

OPs gal is not overreacting in the least.

[Els]

 

I guess this is the problem, though; not everyone agrees where the line is. So, it's up to the couple to decide where it is, and if one of them crosses it, that's what constitutes as cheating, in their relationship.

 

Sorry, kind of rambling. Just thinking, really.

 

Yep, pretty much this. Not sure what all the back-and-forth on this thread is about. Both OP and his gf already agree that what he did was wrong, he is trying to make amends and asking for advice on the best way to do it, and this turns into a stripper debate thread. Ah, LS.

[kaylan]

In this case, yes. It does cross that line, since his hands were on the stripper-whether she placed them there, or not (after all, he could have pulled away).

 

Usually though, (or at least where I live) you're not allowed to touch the strippers. They dance in your lap, and nothing more (unless you pay extra, of course, but it's usually tits in the face, or something).

 

It makes me really wonder; I'm on the fence with it, myself. But any man in a relationship getting any kind of lap dance-even the lesser ones I've mentioned-does it constitute as cheating?

 

I suppose it depends on how the spouse feels; if she says she's uncomfortable with him getting a lap dance (not just going to the strip club; then it would be blown out of proportion) then he'd best not get a lap dance, or he risks being labelled a cheater.

 

I guess this is the problem, though; not everyone agrees where the line is. So, it's up to the couple to decide where it is, and if one of them crosses it, that's what constitutes as cheating, in their relationship.

 

Sorry, kind of rambling. Just thinking, really.

I guess I dont see why some people are not ok with their partners dancing and touching hot people in a club, but are ok with them doing the same with strippers. Its the same thing. It shows me that someone is easily tempted and desires sexual contact from others.

 

I would not want that in a gf at all, so I understand why many women dont want that in a bf. Once you leave the door open for that kind of behavior, kissing and sex isnt far behind. I know men, I talk to men, and Ive seen a lot of stuff online that shows what happens when you let people get away with this stuff.

 

Women too.

[Drseussgrrl]

Well he was honest about it. It's not like he's sneaking around behind her back all the time.

 

He could have just kept his mouth shut and everything probably would have been fine.

 

So the fact that he fessed up says a whole lot. Yes - I think she's overreacting. I'm not saying it's not ok for her to be pissed and yeah it's a hurdle they need to overcome together.

 

Strip clubs in general are a touchy subject for some. Personally I don't mind 'em and I've gone with boyfriends before. If a man is gonna cheat, he'll cheat at a strip club or with some other tramp.

[kaylan]

Honesty is all well and good, but its nothing with trust. I want to be able to trust someone and know they are honest too. I dont wanna think they will lie to me, hurt me, and then be honest after the fact.

 

Sorry, plenty of people out there who dont operate like that.

 

You can tell the people whove done shady things in the past based on their reactions to situations like these. Im so sick of the "well at least they were honest" crowd, when someone hurts you and breaks your trust. That doesnt change what they did or may do in the future.

 

As someone whos had to deal with bs rationalizations from liars and cheaters before....honesty doesnt mean a damn thing if you cant stay honest from the get go.

[TheZebra]

Ehhh, as a woman I never understood why so many women have a problem with strip clubs in bachelor parties, TBH. I don't see getting a lap dance as cheating... it's a random stripper, you're barely getting touched, and it's a once in a long time thing. My ex went to a bachelor party in Vegas and went to a strip club and got a lap dance; we laughed about it on the phone afterwards. No big deal. All of the other guys either didn't go because their girlfriend didn't let them, or they went w/o their girlfriends finding out. He was the only guy there whose girlfriend (me) both knew about it and was ok with it.

 

Meh... not a jelous person. Def. not jealous of a stripper since I know I've got more going for myself than they do...

[JustAReformedGirl]

Well, we can continue the slightly OT debate, or we can address the fact that OP and his gf did set the standard for what does and doesn't work in their relationship. OP screwed up, acknowledges this. He's making the effort to repair things.

 

OP, have you heard from your girlfriend since? Give her a bit of space, but that doesn't mean don't contact her at all. Why did she have to go all the way back to the U.S.? Couldn't she have stayed a bit closer (like a hotel, or with friends in town) while figuring this stuff out? This is somewhat worrisome.

 

Make sure she knows how guilty you feel, and how hard you're working toward fixing all of this.

 

I wish you the best.

[kaylan]

Ehhh, as a woman I never understood why so many women have a problem with strip clubs in bachelor parties, TBH. I don't see getting a lap dance as cheating... it's a random stripper, you're barely getting touched, and it's a once in a long time thing. My ex went to a bachelor party in Vegas and went to a strip club and got a lap dance; we laughed about it on the phone afterwards. No big deal. All of the other guys either didn't go because their girlfriend didn't let them, or they went w/o their girlfriends finding out. He was the only guy there whose girlfriend (me) both knew about it and was ok with it.

 

Meh... not a jelous person. Def. not jealous of a stripper since I know I've got more going for myself than they do...

Women are so naive sometimes. I know guys who have told their gf it was just touching, when a lot more went on with the stripper. I know guys who have never told their gf about using hookers in the past and lied when asked about it.

 

Ive even been around friends whove cheated in my presence, and though I later told them what they did was screwed up, I didnt out them because I knew them before I knew their gf. Fact of the matter is, some girls are too damn naive about this stuff.

 

And men are equally naive about cheating women too. These are clear signs and peopel ignore them as no big deal and assume what someone tells them about "only this happened" is true. The behaviors I just described and attitudes Ive described let me know who not to date.

 

And the women who are ok with "boys being boys" are the kind of girls I see played all the time like a fiddle. I dont feel sorry for their ignorance though. The same way I dont feel sorry when guys are ok with "girls being girls" and their gf all of a sudden starts clubbing again.

 

Be smarter folks.

Edited July 5, 2013 by kaylan

[Lixxy]

Speaking as a sex worker, it's certainly her job to hustle for the cash, so she succeeded in obtaining money from you! However, I'd just like to point out to the ladies, that being comfortable with it isn't anything to brag about. - Some people are comfortable with it; some aren't, and that's absolutely fine. Different strokes for different folks.

 

I'm not 100% unsure as to how strippers operate in terms of physical contact, though I was sure they were pretty strict on no contact, so from my perception, what occurred was more than just a lap dance, being actual sexual contact was made.

 

This should be vastly differentiated between a "Lap dance" and "Sexual contact" - there is a huge difference there...

 

One consists of watching, whilst another is actual touching.

Watching can be fine for some; whilst touching can be a deal-breaker.

 

While I don't think you need therapy for having given in to sexual temptation like that, I do think you need to TALK to your partner about what happened. Like, a lot...

 

If your love was strong enough in the first place, it'll survive this.

[kaylan]

Ill end my posts in this thread on this;

 

Anything you wouldn't do in front of your partner....

 

Well you get the picture.

[Sunshine87]

...it's no wonder why some men are petrified of getting married. Jeez he went to a strip club for a Bach eve and cofessed to her. No lies. He clearly adores and loves his girlfriend yet she travels out of town to "think through their relationship"? Come on! This guy is young and unmarried. He hasn't committed a crime. There is a saying which goes like this "If you have sand in your hands and you grip it too tightly, it will slip through your fingers". Who on earth threatens to leave a relationship because her loving and devoted boyfriend of 6 years, who is in his 20s and unmarried went to a strip club for a Bach eve and got a lap dance???????

 

Give me a break. If this is what it takes to break up your relationship, then it's a shame. There are so many poor quality men out there and the OP strikes me as one of the few good. So it breaks my heart when women don't appreciate what they have and try to be very understanding....you know? Try to be a sport about "guy stuff".

 

Yes she has a right to be upset but flying out for two weeks to have a think? Ugh drama queen much!

[Els]

...it's no wonder why some men are petrified of getting married. Jeez he went to a strip club for a Bach eve and cofessed to her. No lies. He clearly adores and loves his girlfriend yet she travels out of town to "think through their relationship"? Come on! This guy is young and unmarried. He hasn't committed a crime. There is a saying which goes like this "If you have sand in your hands and you grip it too tightly, it will slip through your fingers". Who on earth threatens to leave a relationship because her loving and devoted boyfriend of 6 years, who is in his 20s and unmarried went to a strip club for a Bach eve and got a lap dance???????

 

Give me a break. If this is what it takes to break up your relationship, then it's a shame. There are so many poor quality men out there and the OP strikes me as one of the few good. So it breaks my heart when women don't appreciate what they have and try to be very understanding....you know? Try to be a sport about "guy stuff".

 

Yes she has a right to be upset but flying out for two weeks to have a think? Ugh drama queen much!

 

Did you completely miss the part where the OP himself said that there was a mutual agreement between him and his gf that neither of them would be going to strip clubs, and also the part where he promised her he wouldn't go? Or are you ignoring it?

[sweetjasmine]

Did you completely miss the part where the OP himself said that there was a mutual agreement between him and his gf that neither of them would be going to strip clubs, and also the part where he promised her he wouldn't go? Or are you ignoring it?

 

None of that matters because some strangers that this couple has never met before think that it's all no big deal.

[Lixxy]

Yeah people get what I like to call 'BIG BAWLZ Syndrome' when it comes to situations like this...

 

Where the girls deal out the "Oh duh! It's only *this*! I'd never make a fuss over this because I'm hot shiz!" brag.

 

And the guys deal out the "Ugh! It's only dumb guy stuff nothing serious! Pff! What a big deal over nothing!" brag.

 

Yeah, yeah, sure. These might sound impressive to yourself when you read it back, but they don't help the OP, like... at all, because being comfortable with what you're comfortable with, doesn't change the entire working framework of someone else's relationship. What you're comfortable is actually irrelevant to this scenario because it's not about you. O_o

[Sunshine87]

Did you completely miss the part where the OP himself said that there was a mutual agreement between him and his gf that neither of them would be going to strip clubs, and also the part where he promised her he wouldn't go? Or are you ignoring it?

 

No I didn't actually. But so what? He is HUMAN. Human beings make mistakes, human beings sometimes break their promises. Haven't you ever broken a promise? The most important thing is whether or not the person has remorse! Why should ONE incident that came to her knowledge because the OP VOLUNTARILY told the truth ruin a relationship of 6 months? Such unrealistic standards!

 

Look, couples have managed to get through bigger issues like infidelity. A partner sleeping with another person. You know? Actually having sex. But FORGIVENESS trumped everything else.

 

It would be one thing if he lied to his girlfriend and she found out because that would go to the core content of his character. But he went out with the boys, went against their decision not to go to strip clubs and confessed/begged/is desperately sorry.

 

Look, this relationship won't last if his girlfriend can't forgive in these sort of circumstances.

 

Finding true love is not something you come across easily. It is evident from all the posts on LS. She would be a fool to throw away this repentant man.

[Sunshine87]

Yeah people get what I like to call 'BIG BAWLZ Syndrome' when it comes to situations like this...

 

Where the girls deal out the "Oh duh! It's only *this*! I'd never make a fuss over this because I'm hot shiz!" brag.

 

And the guys deal out the "Ugh! It's only dumb guy stuff nothing serious! Pff! What a big deal over nothing!" brag.

 

Yeah, yeah, sure. These might sound impressive to yourself when you read it back, but they don't help the OP, like... at all, because being comfortable with what you're comfortable with, doesn't change the entire working framework of someone else's relationship. What you're comfortable is actually irrelevant to this scenario because it's not about you. O_o

 

No one on this board knows the OP personally. I am simply giving my opinion/perspective.

Go ask the couples who have been married for decades, how they dealt with issues similar to this. If you believe in your relationship,you will realise that you must do your best to work through incidents like these ( within reason). Sure, some things should NOT be forgiven but this??....... Come on. The poor guy is so desperate to make things right!

 

I expressly stated that she has every right to be mad. But she is overreacting.

[Els]

No I didn't actually. But so what? He is HUMAN. Human beings make mistakes, human beings sometimes break their promises. Haven't you ever broken a promise? The most important thing is whether or not the person has remorse! Why should ONE incident that came to her knowledge because the OP VOLUNTARILY told the truth ruin a relationship of 6 months? Such unrealistic standards!

 

Look, couples have managed to get through bigger issues like infidelity. A partner sleeping with another person. You know? Actually having sex. But FORGIVENESS trumped everything else.

 

It would be one thing if he lied to his girlfriend and she found out because that would go to the core content of his character. But he went out with the boys, went against their decision not to go to strip clubs and confessed/begged/is desperately sorry.

 

Look, this relationship won't last if his girlfriend can't forgive in these sort of circumstances.

 

Finding true love is not something you come across easily. It is evident from all the posts on LS. She would be a fool to throw away this repentant man.

 

I think we don't know yet whether or not she's going to forgive him. She may, for all we know. One thing is for sure, if you guys keep derailing the thread about whether or not YOU would be okay with YOUR guy visiting strip clubs, we'll never know.

 

It's also odd that you talk about her 'overreacting' and 'having unrealistic standards'... and then talk about how there are 'so few good men out there'. Perhaps people treat us the way we believe we deserve to be treated, hm? What makes it worse is that you think that the relationship was only 6 months... At 6 months, I'd personally think that she should just cut her losses. The sole reason she is deciding at all, I believe, is that they have been together for 6 years and he has shown himself to be good and dependable otherwise.

[Lixxy]

No I didn't actually. But so what? He is HUMAN. Human beings make mistakes, human beings sometimes break their promises. Haven't you ever broken a promise? The most important thing is whether or not the person has remorse! Why should ONE incident that came to her knowledge because the OP VOLUNTARILY told the truth ruin a relationship of 6 months? Such unrealistic standards!

 

Look, couples have managed to get through bigger issues like infidelity. A partner sleeping with another person. You know? Actually having sex. But FORGIVENESS trumped everything else.

 

It would be one thing if he lied to his girlfriend and she found out because that would go to the core content of his character. But he went out with the boys, went against their decision not to go to strip clubs and confessed/begged/is desperately sorry.

 

Look, this relationship won't last if his girlfriend can't forgive in these sort of circumstances.

 

Finding true love is not something you come across easily. It is evident from all the posts on LS. She would be a fool to throw away this repentant man.

 

Not all ladies can that easily get past a broken bond of trust, or take kindly to the image of her man paying 300 fat, fiiiiine American dollars for the boneriffic pleasure of oogling and having a nice old grope of a strippers juicy butt-cheeks.

 

Why is trusting your otherwise stripper-disliking (apparently) man to just keep to his word and not pay out hundreds of dollars to having a stare and a grope unrealistic?

 

That's not having unrealistic standards. That's having standards, and being hurt when they're broken.

 

I hope she does accept his apology, but it'd be totally understandable if she finds it hard.

[Sunshine87]

I think we don't know yet whether or not she's going to forgive him. She may, for all we know. One thing is for sure, if you guys keep derailing the thread about whether or not YOU would be okay with YOUR guy visiting strip clubs, we'll never know.

 

It's also odd that you talk about her 'overreacting' and 'having unrealistic standards'... and then talk about how there are 'so few good men out there'. Perhaps people treat us the way we believe we deserve to be treated, hm? What makes it worse is that you think that the relationship was only 6 months...

 

That was typo. It was six years. Im sure I typed that out in my previous posts.

 

People come here and talk about all these rules.....truth is, real life doesn't work that way.

Tolerating bad behaviour from poorly behaved men is one thing, throwing away a good man because of ONE single incident is just plain dumb. I'm sure NONE of you on this board would throw away a man you loved/ a man who loved you so desperately because of ONE SLIP.

 

Rules, rules rules don't work in real life. Life is too complicated to abide by a rigid set of rules. If you don't believe in forgiveness, second chances, compassion and tolerance, then you are unlikely to sustain a long term relationship unless you meet the "perfect man". Nobody is perfect! The question is: do you think the person is worth it?

 

Ive conducted research on couples who have been together for decades. One of the things ive observed is how people on this generation are so quick to "give up" on relationships....so quick to walk out.....so intolerant. My partner did xyz so I'm leaving him. Then you move on to someone even worse than your ex partner.....and the cycle continues.

 

When you find something that's special, fight for it.....if it's worth it. Don't be so quick to give-up on it.

 

I reiterate that she is overreacting. She is "milking" the situation. She has every right to get mad but this isn't worth ending a relationship over. So she is either threatening him ( to teach him a lesson) or she actually believes that this is worth ending the relationship over. It's her choice but I hope she is able to see beyond her anger and embrace the man who loves her so much and is willing to do anything to make things right.

 

P's: I get very passionate when typing lol. But I'm actually smiling behind as I type!