Had a lap dance and have now risked everything

[darkmoon]

I know they're in a serious relationship. That's why I think it's really silly for her to want to end it over something like that.

 

He was honest about what he did, he didn't try to hide it or lie. He apologized to her, and is agreeing to therapy. What else does he have to do? I just think she'd make a huge mistake if she threw it all away over that.

 

Then what's next - he's not allowed to go anywhere with his friends because he MIGHT go to a strip club again?

 

she might see a happier future elsewhere...what would make her stay with him?

Edited July 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[Jet]

If she's considering ending your entire relationship over that, I think she's really overreacting. You were honest about it, you didn't lie, and you were at a bachelor party.

 

I know some women are really hung up on the whole "OMG strip clubs have to be off limits" blah blah blah, but it's not like you cheated on her, you weren't seeking another woman to have sex with, or anything like that

 

This is true but as others have noted, we had agreed that we wouldn’t do this. This actually came about originally because she once wanted to have a female lap dance and I said “I never would so I wouldn’t want you to”. I don’t know how this affects things in her mind but this wasn’t something we “agreed on”, I simply never wanted to go to one ever anyway. But we did talk about it in relation to the bachelor party and I said I would not go but still did.

 

I think that it's probably not so much about the strip club to the girlfriend.

 

She moved to the UK to be with this guy, she changed her job, turned her life upside down to be with him and to have a future with him, and not 5 months after she does all that, he lies to her and does something she openly said she wouldn't want him to do.

 

To the OP - I think it's great that you were honest and I think you really do want to work things out with her.

 

I dunno, I could be guessing on where the gf is coming from, but if it were me, that's what would bother me the most about it - After doing so much to be with someone to be met with shadiness would be very hurtful.

 

I think this is most likely source of pain, or at least the thing that is acting as a multiplier to the whole thing. I don’t think the lap dance helps things (not that there are better or worse ways to break trust and promises per se) but the crux I think is that she has moved here and feels like I have ‘repaid’ her with what I did, again something that I can completely understand.

 

I don't think what you did is cheating per se.

 

However. You and your gf have been on the same page about strip clubs and lapdances for a long time (hence this isn't the case of her trying to change you - both of you had an agreement on this early on). You promised her you wouldn't go. Then not only did you go, you also got a lapdance. How on earth did a stripper 'coerce' you to get one? You're the customer, the boss - you can say no.

 

Now, all of that combined is, to me, a pretty big deal, yes. I think a sincere apology and reassuring her it will not happen again will be a good step in your direction. Then leave the ball in her court.

 

Agree a lot with this, thank you. That is so far what I have done but inevitably I suppose I feel like it’s not enough. She even said that giving her space made her feel like I didn’t care because I wasn’t talking enough and making her feel better. I agree with you, this is a betrayal of her trust as we totally trusted each other before I went, and I know how I would feel in her shoes. This makes it hard to talk to her about why we should stay together since I feel like I would be hurting pretty bad too. It would take a truly massive thing for me to ever break up with her but I know I need to understand that maybe this for her is too much and that people are different in that regard.

 

I can understand her being upset. And I can understand her wanting to think over the relationship. It doesn't matter how anyone here feels. Her feelings are her feelings, and she's within her rights to decide if she wants to stay in this relationship or not.

 

Also, no one coerced you to do anything. I don't care what anyone did. No one could make me eat meat (I'm a vegetarian) ever in my life, unless they were holding a gun to my mom's head or something, and that's a stupid and impossible scenario.

 

Agreed, apologies, I didn’t mean to suggest that she somehow twisted my arm. I bear sole responsibility for this. I just wanted to get across how I was feeling (which, as you rightly point out, was patently ridiculous) and I am still very confused as to why I let it happen. And you’re right, a person’s feelings are their feelings and I can’t and wouldn’t want to force her to feel a certain way.

 

And if the girlfriend wants to be all pissed off about what he did, ok fine. Have your time to pout and scold him for being so mean. But she's telling him she wants to end the relationship over it, which is ridiculous.

 

A very, very small part of me feels like this but again that’s only because it would take something almost unspeakably bad for me to end our relationship because I truly don’t want to be with anyone else, ever. Again though this is her and not me and I just need to let her think about things.

 

I appreciate that going to strip clubs, getting lap dances etc might not be a big deal to a lot of people, but in this case you KNEW that it was a big deal to her that you no go and yet still went.

 

I think that is what has hurt her so much.

 

However, you have done all you can to make things right after your mistake, apologised, given her space to think things over, and even started therapy to get help for your impulsive actions, so that's all you can really do to make amends for this.

 

You just have to let her think about all this now, and decide whether or not she is willing to give you another chance.

 

Because this could be a trust issue in her mind. Yes you owned up to what you did, and yes that is a positive in your favour, but at the same time you still betrayed her trust because you promised not to get a lap dance and you did.

 

I know everyone makes mistakes and yes I don't think this is necessarily cheating, but everyone's definition of cheating and response to it is going to be different, so down playing the event when it clearly meant so much to her would be the wrong way to go in this situation I think.

 

All you can really do now is be patient and wait to see what she does / says next. I wish you all the best with the therapy and hope it gives you some answers / helps you to make chances in your life, for yourself first and foremost so you don't jeopardize this or any other future relationship in this way again.

 

I can see you sincerely regret this, so I hope your gf sees that too, and gives you another chance.

 

All of this is ABSOLUTELY IRRELEVANT. This isn't about her beliefs are justified or not, at all. This is about established boundaries.

 

They discussed it before hand. He knew how she felt about it. He promised not to go. Not only did he go, but he got a lap dance and spent $300 to have some skank rub herself all over him. There are NO excuses.

 

While I wouldn't go as far as to say this is cheating on her, he definitely betrayed her trust. Some women can't get over that.

 

It sounds like the OP understands the gravity of what he did. If he's lucky, she will see his remorse and forgive him... but I wouldn't count on it.

 

I feel the exact same way as she does, and if my SO did this, I would absolutely break up.

 

I agree with both of these comments, thank you. It comes down to both my actions and the repercussions and implications of those actions. Not only did I do something I said I wouldn’t do, I cheated on her, betrayed her trust and broke an overarching promise to never do anything to harm us. If this were me promising to make drinks with friends and not turning up, we wouldn’t be in this situation. I understand very well just what I’ve done here. I suppose the only slight reason for any mild optimism would be that she knows the “real me” (notwithstanding the fact that everyone is to an extent a sum of their actions and so this is me to some degree) and that person would never do this again. But perhaps that is what you have to weigh up: 3 years (since we last talked about any negative things either of us had done) of a pretty much perfect relationship, two very well-matched people and a great future together vs. being with someone who has done all the things above. I have to say I don’t know which will end up on top at this point and I’m pretty scared right now.

[Els]

 

 

Agree a lot with this, thank you. That is so far what I have done but inevitably I suppose I feel like it’s not enough. She even said that giving her space made her feel like I didn’t care because I wasn’t talking enough and making her feel better. I agree with you, this is a betrayal of her trust as we totally trusted each other before I went, and I know how I would feel in her shoes. This makes it hard to talk to her about why we should stay together since I feel like I would be hurting pretty bad too. It would take a truly massive thing for me to ever break up with her but I know I need to understand that maybe this for her is too much and that people are different in that regard.

 

Ah, I see. In that case, perhaps she might think that you're withdrawing emotionally from her, rather than just giving her space.

 

As opposed to trying to convince her that she should stay with you, I would suggest simply doing what you can to make her feel better. In this case, seems like she just wants you to talk to her and make her feel loved. So do that.

[Arabella]

I guess, no, he shouldn't have gone if he said he wouldnt' go. However, is that worth ending a relationship over? I personally wouldn't. If it's a continued pattern of behavior, yes. But it's a one time thing.

 

He completely disregarded her feelings on this issue, despite knowing full well this would hurt her....what exactly tells her that he won't do it again?

 

What assures her that the next time he's with male friends, he won't do exactly the same thing?

 

It only takes once to break someone's trust. And even if she forgives him, this may linger in the back of her mind for years to come.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You seem to understand what you did and why.

 

At this point, I think you need to write her and tell her all of this. Tell her you respect her wish to have space to think it through but that you want to work through this together.

 

Go get her.

[Jet]

He completely disregarded her feelings on this issue, despite knowing full well this would hurt her....what exactly tells her that he won't do it again?

 

What assures her that the next time he's with male friends, he won't do exactly the same thing?

 

It only takes once to break someone's trust. And even if she forgives him, this may linger in the back of her mind for years to come.

 

I think both of us agree that I won’t do this again. I have never wanted to have a lap dance, though obviously I did. But it won’t be difficult to avoid these in the future. Unfortunately the issue goes deeper than me maybe going to a strip club again, it’s more to do with can she trust me not to harm our relationship again. This is the real reason I chose to speak to someone. To get clarity around why I would ever do something to risk us (especially paying for something I didn’t enjoy, it’s just nonsensical to me).

 

Ah, I see. In that case, perhaps she might think that you're withdrawing emotionally from her, rather than just giving her space.

 

As opposed to trying to convince her that she should stay with you, I would suggest simply doing what you can to make her feel better. In this case, seems like she just wants you to talk to her and make her feel loved. So do that.

 

she might see a happier future elsewhere...what would make her stay with him?

 

I agree. This is what I’ve found harder, which is unusual for me. I am struggling myself with why I did it and I feel almost alienated from myself as a result and so I’m finding it hard to be positive and make her feel loved, which is a feeling I know I just need to get over. And darkmoon I see where you’re coming from. I would hope that somewhere in the balance is our shared history and the fact that we are genuinely amazing together (I know, so why would I ever do this…) but I can’t expect that.

 

It's not. It's the pattern of lying and poor boundaries.

 

You made an agreement beforehand about what you would and would not be doing. Lets pretend its only about the money.

 

You both have a history of misuse of joint money. You maybe more than her. Together you agree to rules and boundaries to keep your relationship from being destroyed. You are going on vacation and you both realize this could be a risky thing and you might overspend. You agree to not overspend, knowing that its important to her, and to your relationship.

 

And then you do it anyway.

 

Because of peer pressure? Can't stand up for yourself? Didnt want to look whipped in front of your friends? Or drunk? Did you say to yourself "she can't control me!"

 

She's wondering if she should continue to invest because obviously... agreements, promises, (vows?) won't hold up to peer pressure. (Or your unwillingness to look bad in front of your friends?)

 

It's not about the stripper.

 

Again one of the strangest things about this is there was no peer pressure from my friends. For whatever reason, I felt powerless (clearly as others have pointed out I could have walked out at any number of points) to stop what was happening. As pathetic as that sounds, that’s the truth. I was fairly drunk but I don’t see that as being a factor. It may have clouded my judgment a little but as a person I’ve never bought into alcohol as an excuse and I haven’t done so here with you guys or my girlfriend. But yes I think she wonders if I will bend to any external pressure (whatever that may be) in the future. Definitely not about the stripper. The lap dance makes things a lot worse but even just going into the club already broke a lot of things.

 

You seem to understand what you did and why.

 

At this point, I think you need to write her and tell her all of this. Tell her you respect her wish to have space to think it through but that you want to work through this together.

 

Go get her.

 

I have written her a couple of long letters, mostly containing apologies but also open and honest words about how I feel about her and us in the future. Thank you for your thoughts on that, I will try to keep some positivity in all of this.

[darkmoon]

Since you replied to me...

 

Treat her like a Queen, treat her to something she has always wanted, say. You know her, you will know what she has always wanted, or her favourite holiday place. Go for counselling too, yes

 

Treating like a Queen seems like a bribe, but hopefully blatant sacrifice on your part will make you feel special to her. Prove your love, sort of thing.

 

I know this could seem like you need to do metaphorical somersaults, but actions speak louder than words.

 

I don't think you sound like a real bad guy, you are articulate and sensitive, your postings are like this.

Edited July 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[Treasa]

Ah, I see. In that case, perhaps she might think that you're withdrawing emotionally from her, rather than just giving her space.

 

As opposed to trying to convince her that she should stay with you, I would suggest simply doing what you can to make her feel better. In this case, seems like she just wants you to talk to her and make her feel loved. So do that.

 

Agreed on all fronts. I wouldn't have stopped communicating with her unless she asked for it. Elswyth can totally speak for me on all things in case I don't return to this thread.

 

OP, since you do seem sincere, I hope she decides to stay with you, and that you don't do anything this stupid in the future. Good luck, hon.

[serial muse]

I think both of us agree that I won’t do this again. I have never wanted to have a lap dance, though obviously I did. But it won’t be difficult to avoid these in the future. Unfortunately the issue goes deeper than me maybe going to a strip club again, it’s more to do with can she trust me not to harm our relationship again.

 

Yes, this would be the problem here for me. You say "it won't be difficult to avoid these in the future," but of course, you said that before...so in your girlfriend's shoes I'd certainly wonder why I should believe you now.

 

I think you're on the right path with therapy, and trying to figure out why you actually did this, especially if there was no outside peer pressure (as you note, pressure from the stripper herself really doesn't count ).

 

My greatest fear, if I were she, would be whether you've just been telling me what I want to hear all along, and would just go ahead and do what you secretly wanted to do behind my back for the rest of our lives together. As others have said, the stripper isn't really the problem, per se - it's the breach of trust. So an honest self-examination is probably the best medicine here. Did you feel like this is something you've always wanted, but couldn't tell her so, despite knowing that it was a double standard? Doesn't mean you should then feel righteous about doing it, once you two have established boundaries, but being honest with yourself about what you really want - even if you're ashamed of it - can be a powerful way to rob those things of their power.

[Jet]

Since you replied to me...

 

Treat her like a Queen, treat her to something she has always wanted, say. You know her, you will know what she has always wanted, or her favourite holiday place. Go for counselling too, yes

 

Treating like a Queen seems like a bribe, but hopefully blatant sacrifice on your part will make you feel special to her. Prove your love, sort of thing.

 

I know this could seem like you need to do metaphorical somersaults, but actions speak louder than words.

 

I don't think you sound like a real bad guy, you are articulate and sensitive, your postings are like this.

 

I think you are right. This is my "usual" approach but I think I have also felt a bit shaken by my own actions, which has honestly led me to withdraw a little more as grand actions feel a little crass. But you are right.

 

Agreed on all fronts. I wouldn't have stopped communicating with her unless she asked for it. Elswyth can totally speak for me on all things in case I don't return to this thread.

 

OP, since you do seem sincere, I hope she decides to stay with you, and that you don't do anything this stupid in the future. Good luck, hon.

 

Thank you, I appreciate your sincere words.

 

Yes, this would be the problem here for me. You say "it won't be difficult to avoid these in the future," but of course, you said that before...so in your girlfriend's shoes I'd certainly wonder why I should believe you now.

 

I think you're on the right path with therapy, and trying to figure out why you actually did this, especially if there was no outside peer pressure (as you note, pressure from the stripper herself really doesn't count ).

 

My greatest fear, if I were she, would be whether you've just been telling me what I want to hear all along, and would just go ahead and do what you secretly wanted to do behind my back for the rest of our lives together. As others have said, the stripper isn't really the problem, per se - it's the breach of trust. So an honest self-examination is probably the best medicine here. Did you feel like this is something you've always wanted, but couldn't tell her so, despite knowing that it was a double standard? Doesn't mean you should then feel righteous about doing it, once you two have established boundaries, but being honest with yourself about what you really want - even if you're ashamed of it - can be a powerful way to rob those things of their power.

 

You're first point is totally correct and which is why I have started some therapy. I know that telling her "this won't happen again" is almost meaningless. Visiting a strip club is certainly not what I have always wanted, though I get your sentiment. Again what I hope therapy can help me answer is why exactly I would ever do that, when my direct actions were something I have long thought of as very odd...

 

A question to all of those kind respondents on this thread: I have a couple of weeks off work between jobs and have booked some solo travel for the next ten days, to coincide with her travel to the US to be with friends and family. Now that I have booked my travel, however, I feel like I should actually be flying out to the US to be with her. Is this the right move, or should I give her those ten days to think about us and wait for her to return having thought about things, and just cross my fingers that she doesn't want to end things?

[Janesays]

You girlfriend did no wrong here. For the people who are insinuating that she is 'over reacting' or should just 'get over it,' you guys can say something shouldn't hurt all you want too....but it still hurts to her. Just because YOU don't think it's a big deal doesn't men it isn't a big deal to ANYONE. OP was aware that his girl felt this way about lap dances, so no playing dumb here. If he had a problem with that, he could have talked about it with her then. He didn't. HE IS IN THE WRONG.

 

Personally, I think what the OP did is cheating. For me, cheating is anything a person wouldn't do with their significant other standing right there watching. Would you grab a naked girls butt with your SO watching? No? Then don't do it when she's out of the room.

 

Listen, if I was the BRIDE in that story and my FUTURE HUSBAND had gotten a lap dance, I would call off the wedding. We would be done. Forever. I wouldn't even give him the opportunity to explain himself. I have a zero tolerance policy on cheating. (This comes from my first marriage were I was cheated on all the time...I will NEVER put myself in the position to be cheated on again.)

 

You guys can all lament the fact that she's 'wrong' in your eyes and assure the OP that she 'shouldn't throw away a great relationship' over 'nothing.' But consider the fact that for this woman, the relationship doesn't feel all that "great" to her. For her, it feels like crap. She feels duped. Like she was made a fool of. Like it was all a great big lie. And I'm sure she can find many, many men to be with who would make her happy and not betray her in this way. And no matter what you think she has a right to do....she will do what she has to to do.

 

The OP is the only one with anything to lose in this situation. And if his girlfriend was here and posting, I would be advising her to cut her losses and move on. I would NEVER advise a woman to marry and man without honor. And only men without honor lie right to the women they love's faces.

 

Since the OP is the one posting, I will say, if you want to keep her, jump through every single hoop of fire necessary to do so. Ask her what she needs to feel like she can go forward. And then when the dust settles, DON'T STOP WORKING. Keep moving forward and show, with actions, that you have changed and that she can trust you.

 

Because without trust, your relationship is dead no matter how you look at it.

[serial muse]

A question to all of those kind respondents on this thread: I have a couple of weeks off work between jobs and have booked some solo travel for the next ten days, to coincide with her travel to the US to be with friends and family. Now that I have booked my travel, however, I feel like I should actually be flying out to the US to be with her. Is this the right move, or should I give her those ten days to think about us and wait for her to return having thought about things, and just cross my fingers that she doesn't want to end things?

 

Hm, tough one...it kind of comes down to the individual. Some people really do want space when they ask for space, but in her case it sounds like she's wavering between wanting it and wanting you to reassure her, and I honestly don't know how to advise you on that. You guys have had a solid relationship up to this point, though - what's your gut tell you to do?

[Phantom888]

To be honest, a strip club lap dance is not a big deal. It's just simulated intimacy that is completely rehearsed. Not romantic, not really erotic. I think women who have a problem with it should go to a strip club with their man, and examine what goes on during a lap dance. It's true that some strippers let you suck on their boobs or finger them inside their underwear for extra tip, but you have the option to just have a plain vanilla lap dance. Really not a big deal.

[miss_jaclynrae]

People who are saying she is blowing it out of proportion...

 

 

Seriously, you did something that you both agreed you wouldn't do. You LIED to her, and not just that, but you lied about something involving sexual activity. You may not have done anything, but how would you feel about a naked man rubbing himself all over her?

 

 

Ugh. Its disgusting really, especially that you paid for it. I could understand going, even that wouldn't have been that bad, but you took it a step farther and payed for a private lap dance?

That isn't a "oops" type of thing, that's a pretty well thought out and wanted thing. Was watching a bunch of naked chicks not good enough?

 

 

I get that you are remorseful, but she is total ok with being upset and wanting to see if this is what she wants. She has every reason to end the relationship, I know I would have HUGE problem with this, because ultimately it is a huge break of trust.

 

 

All you can do is wait it out and hopefully you have learned from your mistake.

[SoonMyFriend]

To be honest, a strip club lap dance is not a big deal. It's just simulated intimacy that is completely rehearsed. Not romantic, not really erotic. I think women who have a problem with it should go to a strip club with their man, and examine what goes on during a lap dance....

 

I actually agree with this. I am a woman who has a problem with strip clubs but it's more because I have no clue what goes on, and have no clue what it's really like.

 

In my mind - it's perfect bodies being shoved in my boyfriend's face and he'll come home and find me horribly disappointing.

 

I am more afraid of the unknown. I am just assuming my boyfriend will go, get so incredibly aroused that he'll want to leave me. How stupid is that?

 

I feel like if I went, I'd see how it really is and feel less afraid of strip clubs and strippers.

 

But on to this topic - OP, you know this is all about trust in the end. You just have to figure out A) why you did this and B) how to win her trust back. She probably needs to tell you how to win it back. Keep taking the steps you are already doing (ie - therapy) and keep trying to prove to her you are trying to avoid making this same mistake again. But please keep talking to her.

 

At the end of the day, it's not about the stripper. It's about the fact you broke her trust.

[Arabella]

To be honest, a strip club lap dance is not a big deal. It's just simulated intimacy that is completely rehearsed. Not romantic, not really erotic. I think women who have a problem with it should go to a strip club with their man, and examine what goes on during a lap dance. It's true that some strippers let you suck on their boobs or finger them inside their underwear for extra tip, but you have the option to just have a plain vanilla lap dance. Really not a big deal.

 

Ok, that's great. But that's not what this thread is about.

 

Again.... betrayal and transgression of one's boundaries. That's the whole point.

 

Why do people insist on trying to downplay her feelings? It doesn't matter what anyone believes ... what matters is what her views on the matter are, and they agreed upon.

[Jet]

Ok, that's great. But that's not what this thread is about.

 

Again.... betrayal and transgression of one's boundaries. That's the whole point.

 

Why do people insist on trying to downplay her feelings? It doesn't matter what anyone believes ... what matters is what her views on the matter are, and they agreed upon.

 

Totally agree. I thank you all for the opinions provided. Whilst I appreciate the outlining of the relative context (i.e. no one has died), I am not looking to exculpate myself. I know what I have done and am just searching for advice on how to make sure I don't lose the love of my life. Her feelings are the only thing that matters to me at the moment and I know I have damaged them quite severely.

 

My gut tells me I need to cancel my holiday and go to the US. Any thoughts on how best to do this? I want to plan some special things (not things we have done previously) but am also cognisant of her needing space. So I think I would go from Sun to Thurs to give her days either side.

[JustJana]

I'm not diminishing her feelings, I just think it's not about the stripper at ALL. He needs to know what part of what he did hurt her that much so he doesn't do it again (minus the stripper) or else it's just going to be something else in 6 months. Plus I think it sounds like she's homesick.

[amolya]

It sounds like OP didn't actually knowingly lie? From what I understand he agreed to not going to the strip club and had every intention of keeping that promise, but somewhere along the way he changed his mind or lost his willpower. So yes, the boundary is broken, but perhaps the more Important issue is WHY op acted this way (which hopefully the therapy will help with) rather than op being a bad person/liar

[Arabella]

Totally agree. I thank you all for the opinions provided. Whilst I appreciate the outlining of the relative context (i.e. no one has died), I am not looking to exculpate myself. I know what I have done and am just searching for advice on how to make sure I don't lose the love of my life. Her feelings are the only thing that matters to me at the moment and I know I have damaged them quite severely.

 

My gut tells me I need to cancel my holiday and go to the US. Any thoughts on how best to do this? I want to plan some special things (not things we have done previously) but am also cognisant of her needing space. So I think I would go from Sun to Thurs to give her days either side.

 

Frankly, while I think what you did is terrible, I commend you for being so honestly contrite and caring.

 

About the trip.... If I was her, I'd absolutely want you to do something extraordinary to prove you love me, like canceling that holiday and coming to spend time with me.

 

But she may be different. She may need that time away from you. Ask her. Tell her you WANT to go see her, but you won't if she needs to be away from you. Give her the choice... but make it clear that you want to go see her.

 

I think you two need to see each other ASAP. Otherwise, she may use the distance to detach herself from you, and by the time you see each other, there will be nothing left to save.

[kaylan]

Why waste your money to touch a woman when you could do that at home for free?

 

This is def worth ending a relationship over. Cheating is cheating, and I and many others see you touching another woman like that as cheating. Im sure guys would feel its cheating if their women fondled other men.

 

I guess I dont understand other guys. Ive never liked strip clubs, nor have ever had the urge to pay for a stripper(or any sex worker). The one time I was dragged along to a strip club to my buddies birthday bash, I didnt enjoy myself. I dont dig the atmosphere of paying for sexual attention, and I didnt respect the women at all.

 

I did reluctantly give one girl a couple dollars after my buddies egged me on. I dont nor wouldnt ever want to pay for a lap dance. And if I ever attend a bachelor party while I have a gf, I wouldnt be tempted in the least to ruin what I have with her for a feel on some low class broad.

 

You gotta learn self control OP. Good luck.

[Drseussgrrl]

Dude - you were at a bachelor party in VEGAS.

 

What did you or your GF THINK was gonna happen.

[kaylan]

PS - to those who dont think what OP did was a big idea. Just think about if there is a next time? How many stories have we heard of people actually kissing, and getting sexual with the strippers? Sorry, but for me, there are no degrees of cheating. Once a girl crosses the line...shes out and trust is broken and lost forever.

[Arabella]

Dude - you were at a bachelor party in VEGAS.

 

What did you or your GF THINK was gonna happen.

 

I dunno... maybe she thought he could be trusted to be true to his word and not betray her, just like he promised?

[JustAReformedGirl]

It's definitely not really the stripper, but the betrayal itself. You said you wouldn't go. You went. You wound up with a lap dance (I agree with most of the others; the stripper can't coerce you. If she did, you should have reported her to her boss, because that would be a little thing called sexual harassment).

 

However, you've shown remorse, and you started making reparations. If the case were just because you got a lap dance, I'd say it was being blown out of proportion; but it's not. It's about a promise being broken.

 

At least you spilled the truth instantly. My husband (only my fiancé at the time of this incident) got a lap dance, and lied to me. Both to my face, and by omission. One of his friends accidentally brought it up in front of me several months later, and I was enraged. Not because he'd had the lap dance; if he'd told me the truth, I would have admitted to being uncomfortable about it, but it wouldn't have been a big deal.

 

It was the lies. The lying, and continuing to hide it from me, afterward. It made me wonder, "if he lies about something this small, what else is there?"

 

There was a lot more, as it turned out. Eventually, he broke the habit of lying to me (I always found out-accidentally, or via research) so it was in his best interests to stop the dishonesty.

 

See? At least you didn't lie. You broke a promise though, so you'll need to make up for it. I hope she gives you the chance. You really do sound remorseful.