Had a lap dance and have now risked everything

[Jet]

Hi everybody

 

This is my first post on this forum so I really appreciate you taking a look at it and giving me the benefit of your collective wisdom and advice. The post is quite long but what I would love your thoughts on is how you think I can save this relationship. My girlfriend means more than the world to me and she is the one I want to marry and have kids with. Reading my post may not give that impression but she is truly the one I want to be with forever. I feel at a loss and would really appreciate your thoughts on whether I can save this or whether it is salvageable in the first place.

 

Situation: A month ago, I went with some friends to a bachelor party (I was not the bachelor). Among other things planned, a visit to a strip club was planned by one of the best men (I was not one of them). After attending a day pool party, we went to the strip club and I ended up having a lap dance in a private room, paying $300 for the privilege. My hands were on the stripper’s hips, ass and waist and she was rubbing herself over me - topless but with underwear - and kissing me on the cheek. I don't think I kissed her on the cheek back but can't remember 100%.

 

Background: My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. She is American and we met at university in the UK (I am British). For the first 5 years, she lived in the US and we had a long-term, long-distance relationship and after 5.5 years she moved jobs to be here with me in the UK. Over the first three years, both of us did some foolish things (kissed other people (both of us) and behaved inappropriately, either through sending inappropriate texts etc or by flirting a lot/playing party games with other people (me)). The latter behaviour by me surfaced after three years, at which point we had a massive discussion about staying together. The last three years have been incredibly happy ones and have passed without any kind of incident, until last month.

 

Consequences: My entire life I have thought that going to strip clubs, getting lap dances, etc is an extremely pathetic thing to do (sorry, just my opinion) and my girlfriend and I were both on the same page regarding that. It is something I never thought I would do. I knew that visiting a strip club might be on the menu so I had brought it up hypothetically beforehand to discuss. I then found out it was definitely on the menu about two weeks before the bachelor party. However, I didn’t mention it to my girlfriend until the night before, when we had a very emotional conversation, which ended with me promising I wouldn’t go. I know I should have been strong enough to tell the people I was with that I wasn’t going inside but I did. I thought I would go inside, do nothing, have a drink, and leave. That would hurt my girlfriend but also not spoil things for the bachelor (the second part of that sentence feels very pathetic).

 

For some reason, I ended up having the dance, feeling coerced into it by the stripper. I mentioned I had a girlfriend and that I didn’t want to do anything (which I meant) but it happened anyway. I sat there staring straight ahead, with my hands by my side (she kept putting them on her) and didn’t enjoy the mechanical experience whatsoever, mentally or physically. When it was over, I instantly felt incredibly dirty and ashamed. I didn’t call my girlfriend for about 24 hours (largely due to an 8-hour time difference but also because I was unable to comprehend in my own head what I had done). When we did speak on the phone, she asked me very early on if I had gone to a strip club, at which point I told her everything. She was devastated. We spoke for a long time, the conclusion being that I flew back to the UK 24 hours before scheduled, in order to try and mend things (the early flight was her suggestion).

 

When I got back, we had a very emotional conversation around why she should stay with me. I have to say that given my own shame and embarrassment at what I did, I was unable to tell her anything particularly compelling (i.e. how to convince someone to stay with you when you feel worthless yourself?). Over the next two weeks, I gave her plenty of space, which may not have been the right thing to do, because I had no idea what to do or say. Saying “I won’t do it again” or similar holds no real meaning because this is not just about my actions, it is about cheating on her, breaking a promise, breaking her trust, humiliating her, embarrassing her, disrespecting her and betraying her. I can say that I won’t do those things but she wouldn’t have expected me to do them in the first place. She is especially hurt because she moved to the UK to be with me. I clearly won’t do that again but regaining her trust will be very difficult. I have started seeing a therapist because I truly want to understand why I would have done this to someone I love so incredibly much.

 

She is now spending a scheduled fortnight in the US to think things through and decide if she wants to still be in this relationship.

 

Any detail I have added is not intended to contextualise or mitigate my actions in any way. I am well aware of what I have done to my girlfriend and am desperate to make things right with her.

 

Thank you all so much for your help and advice.

[Mint Sauce]

Hi there, and welcome.

 

I see several positive points:

- you confessed

- you show genuine remorse

- you showed your motivation to mend things by taking the early flight

- you have started therapy to understand yourself

 

These are things she hopefully realizes, and I don't see what else you could do.

 

In principle, I think a 6yr LTR should be able to survive this, but it's all in her hands now.

 

Of course, a key ingredient will be the outcome of your sessions with your therapist: what made you do this? If I were your gf, I'd stick around till after several of those sessions.

 

Take care!

[JustJana]

This has been blown so far out of proportion it's ridiculous. Strip clubs are just money pits designed to suck money out of guys and don't mean anything, certainly not to the strippers & certainly not to you right? You were sorry & you tried to fix it. People have affairs that go on for years & their partner doesn't fly across the world to think things over. If you you had an agreement not to do this that you should not have done so I think but the reaction is extreme and there may be more going on here. It's not abnormal in the USA for guys to go to strip clubs bachelor parties. What reasons did she give you as to why this made her so upset?

[Mint Sauce]

in my cultural universe this would also be quite a boundary transgression, so it is not necessarily blown out of proportion.

[JustJana]

in my cultural universe this would also be quite a boundary transgression, so it is not necessarily blown out of proportion.

 

I can see that in could be your culture but he said he's british & she's american. Speaking as an American woman who is (guessing) not much older than his girlfriend who has spent time in Europe I'm thinking I'm right that there is more going on.

Yes. $300 for a lap dance? ouch! Maybe it's your negotiating skills she's worried about! (j/k trying to make you grin)

[Mint Sauce]

I can see that in could be your culture but he said he's british & she's american. Speaking as an American woman who is (guessing) not much older than his girlfriend who has spent time in Europe I'm thinking I'm right that there is more going on.

Yes. $300 for a lap dance? ouch! Maybe it's your negotiating skills she's worried about! (j/k trying to make you grin)

 

cultures are not geographically defined. He could be Amish and she Victorian british. But they both seem to be on the same page regarding sexual morality, eschewing the more libertarian morals.

 

But I agree, there's more to this, which he will hopefully find out in therapy.

[Jet]

I can see that in could be your culture but he said he's british & she's american. Speaking as an American woman who is (guessing) not much older than his girlfriend who has spent time in Europe I'm thinking I'm right that there is more going on.

Yes. $300 for a lap dance? ouch! Maybe it's your negotiating skills she's worried about! (j/k trying to make you grin)

 

We are both in our mid/late 20s. Interestingly my therapist in our first session asked me “is it you I should really be speaking to about this?”, alluding in essence to what you are saying. I must say I have no idea how to bring that up at this point. It doesn’t feel right to turn things round and imply she’s overreacting due to some other issue. Plus I don’t think she’s overreacting per se. I would be p-ssed if this happened the other way round, though I would never seriously entertain not being with her.

 

And I also agree, Mint Sauce, this is definitely a boundary issue. I suppose what is really confusing me and affecting how I am communicating to my girlfriend is that the boundary I feel I’ve crossed is bowing into implied pressure to do something that I knew would have a serious impact on my relationship. Obviously alongside that, yes, I have done something we agreed I wouldn’t do. But it’s not like I ever always wanted to do that and I agreed to modify my behaviour. I think (even more so now) that it’s a very lame thing to do! And she is struggling with two things: a girl with her chest up on me and on my lap and feeling betrayed and cheated on.

 

And yeah $300 for something that gave 0% enjoyment kinda puts the cherry on the cake…

 

Hi there, and welcome.

 

I see several positive points:

- you confessed

- you show genuine remorse

- you showed your motivation to mend things by taking the early flight

- you have started therapy to understand yourself

 

These are things she hopefully realizes, and I don't see what else you could do.

 

In principle, I think a 6yr LTR should be able to survive this, but it's all in her hands now.

 

Of course, a key ingredient will be the outcome of your sessions with your therapist: what made you do this? If I were your gf, I'd stick around till after several of those sessions.

 

Take care!

 

Agree with this. Though the flight home only came about because she suggested it. I had planned to stay out there (this was in NV in case that’s not obvious…) until the next day. She is hurt that I didn’t just do that already. I am incredibly serious about keeping this relationship alive and I hope the therapist can help me uncover what could be behind this.

[Mint Sauce]

Interestingly my therapist in our first session asked me “is it you I should really be speaking to about this?”, alluding in essence to what you are saying. I must say I have no idea how to bring that up at this point. It doesn’t feel right to turn things round and imply she’s overreacting due to some other issue.

 

Perhaps your therapist will suggest to see the two of you together? Besides you bowing to peer pressure, it does sound like her position is not very robust: like you said, you'd be pissed but not consider leaving her over this. Why would she so "easily" toss away what you have? Has she not been happy with you for a longer time? Resentment for the move?

[shexy]

Ii think that honestly, getting a lap dance at a strip club isn't that huge of a deal. You were at a bachelor party having fun, and getting a lap dance, in my opinion, is NOT cheating. It's expensive, but it's NOT cheating.

 

If she's considering ending your entire relationship over that, I think she's really overreacting. You were honest about it, you didn't lie, and you were at a bachelor party.

 

I know some women are really hung up on the whole "OMG strip clubs have to be off limits" blah blah blah, but it's not like you cheated on her, you weren't seeking another woman to have sex with, or anything like that.

 

I think it would be extremely sad and stupid of your girlfriend if she wants to end your relationship over something so silly.

[darkmoon]

perhaps she sees a life peppered with the potential father of her kids letting some attractive naked women put his hands on their hips' very skin when he goes out with the boys

 

the girlfriend is the victim, in no way a culprit

 

if you do not see this, answer me -

 

would you give your girlfriend $300 for the same thing!? no?

 

okay, well then the stripper is getting preferential treatment, and the girlfriend is a fool to accept you as her boyfriend

Edited July 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[TigerCub]

I think that it's probably not so much about the strip club to the girlfriend.

 

She moved to the UK to be with this guy, she changed her job, turned her life upside down to be with him and to have a future with him, and not 5 months after she does all that, he lies to her and does something she openly said she wouldn't want him to do.

 

To the OP - I think it's great that you were honest and I think you really do want to work things out with her.

 

I dunno, I could be guessing on where the gf is coming from, but if it were me, that's what would bother me the most about it - After doing so much to be with someone to be met with shadiness would be very hurtful.

[Els]

I don't think what you did is cheating per se.

 

However. You and your gf have been on the same page about strip clubs and lapdances for a long time (hence this isn't the case of her trying to change you - both of you had an agreement on this early on). You promised her you wouldn't go. Then not only did you go, you also got a lapdance. How on earth did a stripper 'coerce' you to get one? You're the customer, the boss - you can say no.

 

Now, all of that combined is, to me, a pretty big deal, yes. I think a sincere apology and reassuring her it will not happen again will be a good step in your direction. Then leave the ball in her court.

[Treasa]

You and your girlfriend talked about this beforehand, you promised you wouldn't go, you went, and you got a lap dance on top of it.

 

I can understand her being upset. And I can understand her wanting to think over the relationship. It doesn't matter how anyone here feels. Her feelings are her feelings, and she's within her rights to decide if she wants to stay in this relationship or not.

 

I, for one, don't care about strippers. I mean, they don't bother me at all. Hell, I'd love to get a lap dance, and I'm a female.

 

Also, no one coerced you to do anything. I don't care what anyone did. No one could make me eat meat (I'm a vegetarian) ever in my life, unless they were holding a gun to my mom's head or something, and that's a stupid and impossible scenario.

[shexy]

perhaps she sees a life peppered with the potential father of her kids letting some attractive naked women put his hands on their hips' very skin when he goes out with the boys

 

the girlfriend is the victim, in no way a culprit

 

if you do not see this, answer me -

 

would you give your girlfriend $300 for the same thing!? no?

 

okay, well then the stripper is getting preferential treatment, and the girlfriend is a fool to accept the boyfriend

 

Well, that's not really quite the same thing.....maybe he's not giving his girlfriend money for lapdances, but I'm sure he's paying for dinners and movies and all that when they're together. And the end result is he's having sex with the girlfriend, he didn't have sex with the stripper.

 

And if the girlfriend wants to be all pissed off about what he did, ok fine. Have your time to pout and scold him for being so mean. But she's telling him she wants to end the relationship over it, which is ridiculous.

[Treasa]

I don't think what you did is cheating per se.

 

However. You and your gf have been on the same page about strip clubs and lapdances for a long time (hence this isn't the case of her trying to change you - both of you had an agreement on this early on). You promised her you wouldn't go. Then not only did you go, you also got a lapdance. How on earth did a stripper 'coerce' you to get one? You're the customer, the boss - you can say no.

 

Now, all of that combined is, to me, a pretty big deal, yes. I think a sincere apology and reassuring her it will not happen again will be a good step in your direction. Then leave the ball in her court.

 

Sweetie, I think we had a total mind meld. LOL

[Xinreeki]

I appreciate that going to strip clubs, getting lap dances etc might not be a big deal to a lot of people, but in this case you KNEW that it was a big deal to her that you no go and yet still went.

 

I think that is what has hurt her so much.

 

However, you have done all you can to make things right after your mistake, apologised, given her space to think things over, and even started therapy to get help for your impulsive actions, so that's all you can really do to make amends for this.

 

You just have to let her think about all this now, and decide whether or not she is willing to give you another chance.

 

Because this could be a trust issue in her mind. Yes you owned up to what you did, and yes that is a positive in your favour, but at the same time you still betrayed her trust because you promised not to get a lap dance and you did.

 

I know everyone makes mistakes and yes I don't think this is necessarily cheating, but everyone's definition of cheating and response to it is going to be different, so down playing the event when it clearly meant so much to her would be the wrong way to go in this situation I think.

 

All you can really do now is be patient and wait to see what she does / says next. I wish you all the best with the therapy and hope it gives you some answers / helps you to make chances in your life, for yourself first and foremost so you don't jeopardize this or any other future relationship in this way again.

 

I can see you sincerely regret this, so I hope your gf sees that too, and gives you another chance.

[Els]

Sweetie, I think we had a total mind meld. LOL

 

You know what they say about great minds...

 

Yeah, I know, I'm a modest girl.

[Arabella]

Ii think that honestly, getting a lap dance at a strip club isn't that huge of a deal. You were at a bachelor party having fun, and getting a lap dance, in my opinion, is NOT cheating. It's expensive, but it's NOT cheating.

 

If she's considering ending your entire relationship over that, I think she's really overreacting. You were honest about it, you didn't lie, and you were at a bachelor party.

 

I know some women are really hung up on the whole "OMG strip clubs have to be off limits" blah blah blah, but it's not like you cheated on her, you weren't seeking another woman to have sex with, or anything like that.

 

I think it would be extremely sad and stupid of your girlfriend if she wants to end your relationship over something so silly.

 

All of this is ABSOLUTELY IRRELEVANT. This isn't about her beliefs are justified or not, at all. This is about established boundaries.

 

They discussed it before hand. He knew how she felt about it. He promised not to go. Not only did he go, but he got a lap dance and spent $300 to have some skank rub herself all over him. There are NO excuses.

 

While I wouldn't go as far as to say this is cheating on her, he definitely betrayed her trust. Some women can't get over that.

 

It sounds like the OP understands the gravity of what he did. If he's lucky, she will see his remorse and forgive him... but I wouldn't count on it.

 

I feel the exact same way as she does, and if my SO did this, I would absolutely break up.

[shexy]

All of this is ABSOLUTELY IRRELEVANT. This isn't about her beliefs are justified or not, at all. This is about established boundaries.

 

They discussed it before hand. He knew how she felt about it. He promised not to go. Not only did he go, but he got a lap dance and spent $300 to have some skank rub herself all over him. There are NO excuses.

 

While I wouldn't go as far as to say this is cheating on her, he definitely betrayed her trust. Some women can't get over that.

 

It sounds like the OP understands the gravity of what he did. If he's lucky, she will see his remorse and forgive him... but I wouldn't count on it.

 

I feel the exact same way as she does, and if my SO did this, I would absolutely break up.

 

I guess I just think it's something pretty lame to end a great relationship over.

 

And I am female, btw, not male.

 

I guess, no, he shouldn't have gone if he said he wouldnt' go. However, is that worth ending a relationship over? I personally wouldn't. If it's a continued pattern of behavior, yes. But it's a one time thing.

[Els]

I guess I just think it's something pretty lame to end a great relationship over.

 

And I am female, btw, not male.

 

I guess, no, he shouldn't have gone if he said he wouldnt' go. However, is that worth ending a relationship over? I personally wouldn't. If it's a continued pattern of behavior, yes. But it's a one time thing.

 

I don't know whether I'd end things in her shoes, but I think Arabella is saying that it's pointless to talk about how harmless strip clubs are to you. They aren't harmless to her, he knew it, and that's the whole point. What he did is understandably a big deal in their relationship.

[shexy]

I don't know whether I'd end things in her shoes, but I think Arabella is saying that it's pointless to talk about how harmless strip clubs are to you. They aren't harmless to her, he knew it, and that's the whole point. What he did is understandably a big deal in their relationship.

 

Yes, true.

 

I have to say I think it's really sad though. I mean good grief, he started going to therapy over this, and it's still not enough for her.

[Els]

Yes, true.

 

I have to say I think it's really sad though. I mean good grief, he started going to therapy over this, and it's still not enough for her.

 

We don't know whether it is or not.

 

When someone has uprooted their life for a person and then found that person to break their word, though, it's understandable that she'd take some time off to think about the relationship. It's possible she might decide to give it another chance.

[darkmoon]

Well, that's not really quite the same thing.....maybe he's not giving his girlfriend money for lapdances, but I'm sure he's paying for dinners and movies and all that when they're together. And the end result is he's having sex with the girlfriend, he didn't have sex with the stripper.

 

And if the girlfriend wants to be all pissed off about what he did, ok fine. Have your time to pout and scold him for being so mean. But she's telling him she wants to end the relationship over it, which is ridiculous.

 

If they were just FWB or casual, you'd have a point, but they're in a serious relationship.

Edited July 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[shexy]

If they were just FWB or casual, you'd have a point, but they're in a serious relationship

 

I know they're in a serious relationship. That's why I think it's really silly for her to want to end it over something like that.

 

He was honest about what he did, he didn't try to hide it or lie. He apologized to her, and is agreeing to therapy. What else does he have to do? I just think she'd make a huge mistake if she threw it all away over that.

 

Then what's next - he's not allowed to go anywhere with his friends because he MIGHT go to a strip club again?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

It's not. It's the pattern of lying and poor boundaries.

 

You made an agreement beforehand about what you would and would not be doing. Lets pretend its only about the money.

 

You both have a history of misuse of joint money. You maybe more than her. Together you agree to rules and boundaries to keep your relationship from being destroyed. You are going on vacation and you both realize this could be a risky thing and you might overspend. You agree to not overspend, knowing that its important to her, and to your relationship.

 

And then you do it anyway.

 

Because of peer pressure? Can't stand up for yourself? Didnt want to look whipped in front of your friends? Or drunk? Did you say to yourself "she can't control me!"

 

She's wondering if she should continue to invest because obviously... agreements, promises, (vows?) won't hold up to peer pressure. (Or your unwillingness to look bad in front of your friends?)

 

It's not about the stripper.