jenny2682 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Thanks for reading. I feel I am driving everyone including myself nuts. Neutral opinions appreciated. Started dating in 12/11. Started looking for houses 10/12. Bought house 12/12 (well he did). Engaged 02/13. He is 40 and never married. Longest relationship was probably 2 years in college. The rest might be 1 week to a few months and not that many. I was in a relationship from 19-27 then married from 29-40. Divorced finalized last year. I would not move in with him until we were married. Religious reasons. I wanted to wait until my annullment went through but he wanted me to move in and set a date for August. I have been through a lot in the year and a half we were together (getting rid of a sociopathic ex who was stalking me, finalizing a divorce, getting my kid though graduation and college entrance, oh and I have Multiple Sclerosis). The last two months have been hard. Graduation, prom, started a new job that was way too much, and had a very bad MS attack that I am still getting over. I felt him pulling away. I know that I was difficult. I have to take prednisone and it has terrible side effects. I was weepy, felt he did not understand the condition, was in pain. I felt he wasn't supportive. He said he understood the condition. I know he does not like "drama". He also has never been in a position to take care of anyone. He has never lived with a women, been engaged ect. Well after avoiding me for about a week, I texted him and said this is ridiculous. We are getting married and we aren't talking while I am really sick. He said I pissed him off. Total walls up. I said finally that if he wanted out he had his out. And he said yes, sorry he couldn't take the drama. Of course, I am upset. He stated that I had an ex husband and boyfriend who were *******s at beginning of relationship. True, but I got rid of both of them from legal points and have NC with them. My son is over his issues. I worked my ass off to do all this and started job, cleaned his house ect. I feel that the MS attack is what did it. He says it wasn't. I just feel so cheated. I have grown so much and feel so strong (well not physically). I also went into "MS relapse" mode where they fill you up with a ton of meds and you just think I can do this for 2 months and survive and then live my life. Prednisone, IVS, muscle relaxers, MRIs, neurologists ect. But I do know there is a light at the end of it. I am starting to feel better know and it hit me tonight- I was in survival mode, not probably thinking clearly, in pain and now going to the rebuild/live life again stage. And my fiancee left me at that stage. It hurts. We have not seen or talked only texted. i didn't want to talk-the meds would have made me lose temper and also wanted to focus on self with no stress. The last months are a blur and I am in shock. We said we would talk soon- but I don't know what to say. I mean, I don't know if I am sad or mad or relieved. Some think it was a knee jerk reaction (him scared, me medicated) and others are just like it is over. Be glad it happened before you married the guy. It just doesn't seem real. Any advice on what to do? I have the ring, furniture and personal effects are already at his house (which I don't have the energy or stamina to start moving) I don't have the energy or inclination to talk, but I have been putting this off for two weeks. After he ended it, he texted a few days later to see how I was. I said when I felt better I would talk. Any advice?
Arabella Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Well, what an ass. Like others have said... be glad this happened before you got married. If I were you, I wouldn't bother talking it out. I think his position is very clear, and from what you tell us -- it has always been! He can't handle your health condition. You deserve better than an uncaring husband. Hope you feel better soon, -A
Balzac Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) You had too much life turmoil going on at the beginning/you weren't an appropriate dating partner. He ignored those red flags, proposed and that's on him. The purchase of a house in his name only is not a factor. I'm sure your son is a great kid but few kids get through undergrad years w/o challenges, questions about summer housing. Your thought that having a quasi adult so is not a factor is magical thinking. Where are you living now? This guy isn't what you needed. Isn't capable of adult communication and whether he understands your disease process or not ~ why would you save money by cleaning the home only to pay money for disease process escalation? Edited July 5, 2013 by Balzac 1
SimonSerenade Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 MS is a very debilitating illness, I know that all too well unfortunately, I have a lot of the same symptoms from a similar illness, you don't need this mans bs on the side of that, be happy he's gone and find some peace in that.
BC1980 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 This just makes me sad. Some people cannot handle a debilitating physical illness, and he should never have taken it this far if he felt that way. Sounds like he isn't able to commit to you for the longterm of what MS looks like. He saw your MS exacerbation, and he got a glimpse of the future. He freaked out, and he left. It's not your fault. You deserve someone who loves you entirely. He's not the one, and I'm so sorry he did this to you.
Balzac Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I'm not defending your exFiance. What I'm encouraging you to evaluate at this point in your life is: what decisions would you change. Why did you take on a new job at the time of son's graduation / engagement / new house? Maybe you too were overly ambitious due to not having experienced an MS crisis? Inspite of the outcry against your exFiance, most nonmedical adults would be stressed w care taking in the scenario you describe. I'm sorry you're having to experience these losses.
Author jenny2682 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Truth is he was pushing me to work. He thought I was after his money or something I think. BTW... he drives trucks for Fed Ex. Nothing to sneeze at but also not something a gold digger would be impressed by. Which is weird as we weren't married...I guess he wanted me to prove I would work more before we got married. I think he did think I was like ooohhh marriage then sit and eat bon bons. I also did all house work and half yard work, had my father, son and family to all repairs...while he drove a truck, came home and watched ESPN and UFC. Seriously.
Balzac Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 So what you're telling us is that you were working at his command. You weren't working while married, were not compelled to work post divorce. Whether be contributed or did not contribute labor toward maintenance or upkeep of the house/landscape is on you. You willing contributed what you did. Upfront you knew you weren't on the deed of ownership. It's confusing for outsiders to comment because the financial boundaries/contract are being mixed in with the lifestyle commentary. We may deem him to be a scoundrel but was he a scofflaw ??
Author jenny2682 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 See that was a big part of the issue. There was no communication. I feel he did not know how to deal with things in general. Case in point- any purchases say even a hose would be a fight to him. He wanted a 50 foot hose. I stated to get a 150 because it could reach front and back. Not confrontational, just opinion. He immediately would say that he wasn't fighting about it and I just wanted to spend more money. He would then figure out I was right because he would be mad that he had to move it front to back. So then he just wouldn't do it. I don't know if he was upset that what I said made sense or he felt stupid. I never would be like see I told you. He just would be mad and then passive aggressive. I guess I feel like this is all my fault. You know how after break ups you think-what could I do differently? What did I do wrong? Do I fail as a human being? I'm still in that stage
Author jenny2682 Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 And no I didn't work while married and worked part time post divorce. He knew within the first week that I had MS and told him that I had to finish divorce, get annullment, had problems with my son for a bit, that I had a ex boyfriend that had serious issues with our break up, my work schedule all of it. I am confused because I told him this. He still dated me. He still bought a house hoping I would live there. When I said no got a ring and pushed getting married a few months (if not weeks) later. Than during a attack says no its not the MS but everything else. I need to face that it was the MS, which sucks but I can't do anything about it. I think the fact is it makes me feel inferior, but in actuality it doesn't. It's something I have dealt with for 17 years. I still graduated from college, raised a son, taught,volunteer, married, took care of family when needed, have a ton of friends and didn't let it get me down. I actually did and do more with my life after a serious diagnosis than he has accomplished. It's his issue not mine!!
eleve82 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I'm sorry you had to go through this experience - MS and divorce are both hard to get through on their own. There is a saying in Chinese that goes "when the road is long, one finds out the strength of a horse; over long periods of time, one sees a person's heart". What is clear is that often only during the most difficult times is a persons character tested and shown for what it is. You may find that you do not really love him for what he truly is - and this would be his own doing. Many aspects of a persons character can change over time, but courage or strength of character rarely do. He will probably never be what you need. You were doing a great job taking care of everything before you met him, you will be just as good without him! Take care!
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