SmithJ Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 If you read my other threads you'll see what's been going on. But to briefly explain we broke up 2 weeks ago and he moved back to his hometown, called me on Saturday night when I was drunk (he was sober) and we ended up having a bit of an argument when he was telling me that he hopes we can be together in the future. I didn't speak to him after that. Yesterday I text him apologizing for being drunk and not communicating properly. I told him I missed him. He called me straight away and we had a 40 minute chat about what we had both been upto, he's got a really good new job and I was so happy for him and he's taken up hobbies too. He's told me how he is just focusing on work and the gym and he isn't interested in going out drinking and meeting girls, he just wants to improve himself. I told him the same and how I'm in therapy, he said that he misses me and thinks about me but he's been trying to keep himself busy as to not think about it. I felt really happy and relieved that I'd spoken to him, he said he hadn't been in contact with me because he thought that I hated him and wasn't okay about this whole thing. In relation to me and him he said that he wants to focus on his job and getting a new place sorted and we'll see how it goes. After we came off the phone he sent me a text 'I'm so glad we spoke and sorted everything out, i'm glad youre getting better xx' I said the same and that I was very pleased about his new job. We've text a couple of times since but I just want to be very careful now not to smother him. All I'm saying is that while I was doing no contact I felt awful and thought he was out there living it up while I know now that isn't the case and he does think of me. I feel better after speaking with him and now I'm just going to focus on myself and getting myself together. I came off the phone fully satisfied and I saw it as sort of 'a means to an end' but I know I don't want to loose that person forever.
Sampo Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Nice one. Well done. Surely sounds promising. But patience is key. Slow and steady wins the race. Now if only I could take that same advice, as I never, ever do, and it never, ever works out, haha. 1
Author SmithJ Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Thing is though Sampo I was reading all this 'no contact' stuff and it was making me feel rubbish because there was lots of unfinished business between the two of us. I've text him today and he hasn't replied yet so whether he will or not I'm not sure. Just need to take baby steps but I wont wait around for him. If someone comes along and wants to take me out and I like them I'll go. He said on the phone he's been keeping himself busy so I'm going to do the same, I'm just really glad we had that chat yesterday and cleared the air, it was nice.
Legatus Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Good for you @SmithJ! It's good to clear the air and having the other one actually willing to do it. Unfortunately for most people NC is the only way to go if the other person is unwilling to be open, honest and actually offer some answers and explanations. I managed to get as much as I could before just going my own way, contact or no contact - I'm simply not bothered anymore. I'm happy for you!
Author SmithJ Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 To be honest I wasn't expecting a reply to my text yesterday but I knew I'd have done everything possible but after he called me it was a really nice feeling. I was going to leave it there but then he text me saying he was happy that we spoke. I just feel a lot better now knowing that he is happy and trying to better himself without feeling the need to be going out and being interested in other women. I suppose I feel better because I know that he is feeling the way I am and I know we cant be together at the minute because we both need to sort our individual problems out. I took a risk in texting him though, if he hadn't of replied I would have felt like that was a final line under the chapter but on the other hand I could have also felt devastated.
aloneinaz Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 To be honest I wasn't expecting a reply to my text yesterday but I knew I'd have done everything possible but after he called me it was a really nice feeling. I was going to leave it there but then he text me saying he was happy that we spoke. I just feel a lot better now knowing that he is happy and trying to better himself without feeling the need to be going out and being interested in other women. I suppose I feel better because I know that he is feeling the way I am and I know we cant be together at the minute because we both need to sort our individual problems out. I took a risk in texting him though, if he hadn't of replied I would have felt like that was a final line under the chapter but on the other hand I could have also felt devastated. Not to be Debbie Downer but what did you really gain? Some relief that he's allegedly not out whoring it up with other women? Sure, you have a high right now that you had a pleasant conversation but what about later today. He still said he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It sounds like all you did was ease his guilt for ending the relationship. You're now "friends" though this clearly isn't what you want. I'm glad you feel better about your decision and we all have to do what we think is best. In my case, I see NO VALUE in contacting a person who told me she didn't want me in her life anymore and wanted to find someone else. I would never stroke their ego and let them think I'm still thinking about them. You don't want me in your life? You got it. NC and silence from me is killing her to some degree. Even if she was way over me when she ended it, I have no doubt that it's bothering her fragile ego, self esteem and confidence that a guy that was so in love with her, did anything and everything he could for her and her kids, accepted her decision and hasn't heard a word from me since. I wouldn't get back together with her again. She's a toxic person who can deal with the consequences of her decision for the rest of her life.
Author SmithJ Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Yes our relationship ended and I was obviously very upset about it and for the first week or so I wanted him back, I really did but the time doing NC made me realize that the relationship wasn't healthy but we still love each other as people, I'm happier now that I'm out of the relationship but I still love him. Its really hard to explain to people who haven't been in the situation but we lost a baby and throughout the whole thing he was my rock and we supported each other like nothing else and although things got bad and towards the end and we went our separate ways there's some things like that which bond you together. We went through a lot of stuff and our own individual issues are what ripped us apart. I do accept it's over and for the time being I cant have him out of my life because he's such an important person to me and he always will be. I honestly know that I probably will be hurt again when he decides that he doesn't want to text me or call me but I might not be and we might actually get something out of this which benefits us both. I f***** up a lot in our relationship and I have a lot to feel guilty about but I just want to sort my life out and get help with my issues and become a better person and if he wants to be in touch with me whilst I'm doing that then I wont stop him but at the same time I wont chase him.
aloneinaz Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Clearly, you need to do what's best for you and if this is the right course for you at this time, I wish you luck. You just have to be guarded in not letting this off/on contact restrict your healing from the relationship and you're moving on to another relationship. This site is littered with folks that tried to stay friends or LC and in most all cases, they never got over them, never dated and spent all their time focuses on a failed relationship. They're the ones posting that "I can't get over my ex after 6 months".. Of course you can't! You keep seeing them and talking to them. Someone much smarter than I came up with this whole NC theory and I thinks it accurate. I know for me, I heal by this principal and also dating again helps as well.
forgetmenot75 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 It's ok if you feel better now, but I agree with alonelinaz: you gained nothing. He just alleviate his guilt knowing you still talk to him. He didn't tell you he's in love or he's sorry. Plus it was you who contacted him twice (to apologize for being drunk and the text if this morning) plus he didn't reply to you, so the power is shifted to him now. I don't know, I'm happy for you, but I don't think it was te right decision. Did he ask you to meet? Did he say he cannot live without you? Did he apologize and wanted you back? Maybe, as you said, it's the beginning and in the end you'll get together, who knows, however your best choice was to stay no contact, I don't see how you're gonna change anything if you keep texting/calling him.
Author SmithJ Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Aloneinaz...I know you're right and I know that I'm putting myself at risk by doing this. I think now I need to say to myself, we've had that conversation and cleared the air but we aren't together then go back to no contact. It might be easier to heal now we have had that conversation and made it clear that there are no hard feelings and no longer any unfinished business. As for moving on I feel at a bit of a loss as I know that I'm not ready just yet but when the time does come I'm worried that I wont find anyone who lives up to him (I know that this is a stupid way of thinking) but I'm hoping I meet a great guy who will sweep me off my feet. Thanks for your advice
Chi townD Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I hate to say it, but it doesn't surprise me that he hasn't returned the text that you sent him. The thing is, he needed to talk to you yesterday because he had a lot of pent up guilt over dumping you. He felt gulty about hurting you so he needed to see where your head is at and to see if you actually hated him for doing what he did. Once he discovered that you don't actually hate him or think of him as a bad person; you know, "No hard feelings!". Then, he was able to ease his guilt because he knows that you're alright and still alive and kicking. So, it doesn't surprise me that he didn't return your text. He got what he wanted. I speculate that if you sent anything more; you'll get more of the same and if he does text back, it will be short and impersonal. Sorry to burst your bubble. HOWEVER! I am encouraged by your motivation to move forward with your life! Keep that motivation and make your life fun and full of adventures! You're doing great! 1
Author SmithJ Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Forgetmenot75 I think its that power shift that does bother me. I feel better because I have spoken to him and he is doing well, I was always very caring in our relationship and supported him in lots of different ways so I suppose I need to snap out of it now. I just need to start thinking about the bad things, I might even write a list or something. As strange as this sounds I don't want to be back together with him because being distanced from the relationship I can see that it wasn't healthy but I just wanted to know he's happy and that he still thinks of me. I know that sounds really odd.
Author SmithJ Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 ChitownD...You're right, when we ended the call I was just going to leave it at that but then he texted me, I replied a short message and he text me again but I was driving so couldn't look. I then got another text saying 'sent you a photo on whatsapp' I replied when I got home telling him that I no longer have it and asked what it was and he said 'a picture of me' so from this point I thought we were getting back on track but from him not replying today I can see that he isn't really interested in being anything with me.
Chi townD Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 DON'T BE DISCOURAGED BY THIS! You now have a gameplan in place. You now have the courage to move forward without this guy. Make positive changes in your life and have fun! It will hurt for a while. I'm not gonna lie. But, one day, you're gonna wake up and he won't be the first thing you think of. That's when you know you're starting to heal.
Author SmithJ Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Chi townD...Yeah that's true, I'm going to focus on myself and have fun. I do honestly feel better that we have cleared the air but that is all it is, I need to accept that he called me because he was feeling guilty and he'll soon see what he's missing. All my friends that have been through bad break ups say that one day you just wake up feeling better, so hopefully that will happen for me too.
Tenderheartbear Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Yay, SmithJ! I'm happy that you are feeling better about this situation. We all come here for support or advice but ultimately it is up to you how you want to handle things with YOUR situation. What works for some might not work for others as no one knows YOUR relationship like you. Like Chi said...don't get discouraged. Just take things one day at a time. Live your best life and in time things will be so much better beyond your imagination
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