Out of the Blue

[jkepler85]

So, background dated this doctor for the past two months. It went pretty fast, but I let her control the pace and went with it. Got to the point where we were driving into work together in the mornings (we work at the same place) a couple times a week. She would do the inviting over though, because I knew her schedule was the busier one.

 

I was out of town last weekend, but we made plans to hang on Sunday. Sunday night rolls around and she's AWOL. Doesn't reply to me.

 

I'm a little upset so I call the next day to make sure everything is ok and to see what happened. Take care of it while it's minor I think.

 

She says "stressed at work", "I'm not sure I have time for this", "let's slow things down", "I think I need a little space", "not sure what I want", "maybe we should take a break", that kind of stuff. This is truly out of the blue for me, as on Thursday she was all hearts and miss you's. I asked if what she was trying to say is she wants to break up and she said, I'm sorry, I don't know.

 

I'm left wondering what happened between Thursday and Sunday, since she seemed really into the relationship and was in control of the pace and space. If she needed more time or space for whatever, she didn't need to invite me over as often, I'd be fine with that.

 

So, I asked if she could bring a few things I'd left there and she brought the toothbrush she had bought for me to leave there. I felt like that was symbolic and I guess that seals the deal that it's over, though neither of us really said, I wanna break up.

 

I sucked it up and in the event that I had been crowding her, I sent an apology email the other day and told her to take time to think about what would be best for her and that she can contact me if she wants to discuss anything.

 

I was upset the first few days. Now I'm just kinda missing her. Just the simple things like the text goodnight she'd send me most days.

 

I'm just left wondering what happened? *sigh*

[Legatus]

Unawareness can kill, can't it?! The problem is if you push to get the answers, you may get opposite results. It's a very "sticky" situation. I think the best is to find patience in yourself.

 

However if it goes for too long like that I believe you should ask for explanation. After all you were in a relationship and it's her who wanted to take a break so she owes you that sooner or later. Wait a week or two, or whatever time you think fits, and then ask her abiout her "results". She can't drag it along forever as this would be unfair to you..

[Talulah]

She might be just very busy with work. Let her be. BTW, you left the relationship very graciously, like a gentleman. You sound like a very nice man.

[jkepler85]

It's just a bummer. This was the first one I'd dated that I felt like was a peer on all levels. I wouldn't have had to wait for her to catch up. Outwardly she had the whole package. Perhaps her communication could use a little work, because it have been nice to hear something or have some sign before she dropped the dreaded "I need space".

 

She was an improvement over previous girls I've dated. I just need to keep dating ones along her lines and maybe something will stick.

[jkepler85]

It's just weird because she introduced me to a close friend and coworker on Thursday and we got a long really well, so I think I passed that test. And even on Saturday she greeted me with a morning text and hearts. So yeah, I'm just left really curious to how she went from that to "I need space" in the course of a day or two and I wasn't even there so I feel like it isn't something I did. *sigh*

[aloneinaz]

It's just weird because she introduced me to a close friend and coworker on Thursday and we got a long really well, so I think I passed that test. And even on Saturday she greeted me with a morning text and hearts. So yeah, I'm just left really curious to how she went from that to "I need space" in the course of a day or two and I wasn't even there so I feel like it isn't something I did. *sigh*

 

You can't believe words only actions. Earlier in the day of my break up, my ex and I made vacation plans, she told me I was stuck with her for the duration and when I went to her house the night of the break up she hugged me and told she loved me. Normal dinner and she got annoyed with me teasing her about something and started getting snippy and bitchy (which was becoming more prevalent). I told her I was tiring how she talked to me which lead into her saying she wasn't happy, blah, blah, blah and we broke up.

 

So, all the nice things earlier in the day were simply words, nothing more. She was an unhappy person in her life and I was the scape goat for her problems. I don't trust what people tell me anymore, especially in relationships. I really think they tell you what you want to hear when it's clearly not the truth.

 

In your case, I'd simply leave her alone and not contact her or talk to her. She gave you the classic BS lines instead of simply telling you she'd lost interest in you or the relationship. That's pretty early in for something like that but be glad you didn't have more invested in her before she ended it.

[jkepler85]

Yeah, it just seems so foreign to me. I show exactly how I feel and say exactly how I feel. I don't say one thing to one person and something else to another. I don't understand why someone would even want to be like that. It seems like it would be exhausting to live two versions of reality.

[jkepler85]

I guess I just want a take away from the relationship. And at this point, I just don't know what it would be because things seemed so fine and dandy until wham! If its something annoying I do I'd like to know so I can decide if it's something that is part of who I am or if it's a bad habit I want to change. I guess I just hate not have closure.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I guess I just want a take away from the relationship. And at this point, I just don't know what it would be because things seemed so fine and dandy until wham! If its something annoying I do I'd like to know so I can decide if it's something that is part of who I am or if it's a bad habit I want to change. I guess I just hate not have closure.

 

If a couple months from now you still want it then send her a note and ask, from the perspective of improving yourself. But with no expectations or emotion.

 

BUT, I think she got cold feet. You did the "meeting the friend" step which may have thrown her into thinking about the future and tapping into whatever issues she may have about that.

 

Not really "about" you at all.

 

Keep on, you seem like a nice guy.

[StraylightRun24]

Hey jkepler85 just thought I'd chime in since I went through a similar BU 6 months ago. Here's my story about it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/369938-broken-up-because-lack-spark

 

There is some real good advice and feedback from some of the wise posters here at LS.

 

Like a few other posters already stated you handled the situation like a gentleman and with a ton of grace. I know how heartbreaking it is to get dumped out of nowhere when everything seems to be going great and you start thinking to yourself, "she might be it." It's rough!

[jkepler85]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I guess if she said the spark is gone I'd almost feel better. But to say "I don't know what I want" or "I don't think I have time for this" so abruptly when

 

a) she had been doing the inviting over, controlling pace/space and

b) had been talking about marriage, kids, settling down together and

c) had been texting me the morning before with hearts and miss you's

d) had bought me a toothbrush to use at her place

e) had introduced me to her friends and coworkers

f) had talked about planning vacations together in the Fall

 

just doesn't make logical sense. Sure as heck seemed like she knew what she wanted. And sure as heck did have the time for the prior 8 weeks.

 

All these things were going on the the week or two before and up until the day before. I just don't get it I guess. What's so hard about just telling someone the truth, I'm mean if you're broken up, you're not gonna see them anymore, so why not give the something they can learn from. Maybe I just need to rationalize that if she were a better partner she would have handled this better and as such I'm dodging a bullet here. *sigh* at life can you please throw me a bone sometime...

Edited July 6, 2013 by jkepler85

[itto ogami]

Women are not logical:] And things can end in a blink of their mind.

 

You're a good guy, don't contact her -- give her the space she wants.

[jkepler85]

I'm trying. It's hard because I'm really open, my way is to just talk it out. It doesn't matter though, she's gone for good and isn't ever coming back. I just hate the "missing" stage. Makes you feel even more alone. No body to steal the covers or wake me up with snores. I hate the feeling of missing someone, made worse by the fact that I know she doesn't miss me back. I'm glad I tempered my urge to tell her I was starting to fall in love with her when I started feeling it a few weeks back, probably would have made her bolt even sooner.

[OrangeSnack]

Kepler can I just say that I went through a similar phase, heck i am somewhat still in it but i am getting a lot better.

 

My gal left me after 3 weeks of GREATNESS because her ex bf passed away? I gave her all the space she needed and she contacted me one day telling me she was "back" then after a few messages, I realized she wasn't. She stopped responding to my texts and everything just fell apart.

[jkepler85]

*hand orange a beer*

 

I feel no remorse for women when they say, "I wish I could just meet a good guy" because chances are they had a good guy and ditched him without so much as thought. Look in front of your face women I'm dating, I'm right here exactly what you say you want. A smart, funny, tall, good looking guy who has a good career, likes kids and loves adventures, speaks four languages, communicates openly, can dance, is a great cook, and I'm loyal to top it all off. Is that not enough to make some content and happy?

[OrangeSnack]

*hands kepler another beer*

 

Seriously, that's the mentality you should have after a breakup. We've given so much to them and if they don't appreciate that and if they don't realize what's in front of them, then they are either blind or immature. So now I realized, I am not going to waste my time and energy because the more you chase them after a breakup the more strokes they will apply to their ego.

 

Does you gal come from a dysfunctional family? Over the course of my dating life, I've never ever dated someone who has had a functional/loving family. My relationships don't seem to work or last very long because their parents are 1). divorced 2). dad or mom left one another 3). etc you get my point. I'm not sure if there is a correlation between the two.

[jkepler85]

I never met her parents only her sister, but her sister was very nice and we got along really well. I asked about her parents and she said they were happily married and were very supportive. I was specifically looking for someone that came from "good families" and didn't have any outstanding emotional traumas (i.e. molestation, rape, parents that died, messed up family), because I was looking for someone different and I had noticed that several of the girls I had dated prior had one or more of those unresolved traumas. I was frankly sick of dealing with women who never got help to resolve their issues in a meaningful way. But what do I know, maybe she had something like that, she was very beautiful and I've found out how common this terrible things are since living in the city. It would explain how she just turned off like a switch, common for people with unresolved traumas to seek emotional highs. But that's all just supposition, I'll never get the truth unfortunately.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Hands beer to Orange, then one to Kepler...

 

Then hands homemade cookies and a napkin....cause I am a Mom (ok, I also am an IT exec and a wife and other things too, but you get the point).

 

And, I have kids your age (guessing). One daughter (single, tall, beautiful, homeowner, smart, hysterical, amazing cook, no baggage) and one son (single, a looker, smart, hysterical, one tiny overnight bag/maybe a paper bag) neither have any current attachments. Just haven't found the right one yet.

 

At a risk of coming off like YOUR MOM...I want to assure you that fabulous normal women exist (see above). And, the perfect combination of whatever you think you need is, in fact, out there... walking her dog, working hard at her job, watching Jeopardy and Le Tour, grocery shopping, whatever...

 

Maybe she's a bit shy or doesn't do the bar scene. But out there, ready when you heal and are ready to try again, when the time is right.

 

Until then, give yourself a chance to get over this one...I know you are not trusting yourself or your judgement right now, but this breakup wasn't about you.

 

Now I know, you are thinking...I'm a MOM (yep), probably old(not in my mind), and from the suburbs(it is not my fault that CT is entirely made of suburbs, I am a city girl at heart), what could she know about dating now? Ah...womenz and Menz.... times change but the dance does not.

 

<Mom hug>, you boys have fun now!

[jkepler85]

Awww, thanks.

 

I know it will be alright. I mean this only is the first "good" one I've been with. It just seems like being with so many "bad" partners that maybe my luck had finally changed. But I just need to date a few more "good" ones and eventually something will stick.

[jkepler85]

She's been active on the dating site we met on. How ****ty is that. Yeah I guess she didn't have time for a relationship...why the bull****, just say so and be done with it. So much worse to lie to someone. I'd rather hear the truth no matter how brutal it was.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Sorry....there will be someone else for you....