slowday Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Hi All. My first time posting here. I have just come out of a relationship with what I thought was the love of my life. When we met I was married (still am though separated) and I did not commit to the relationship early on but she pursued me and seduced me, both physically and emotionally. In addition the relationship was long distance and we met every two or three months when my work brought me to her country (I provide technical assistance to her organization and train lawyers and activists in her country) and went to international meetings where we worked together in developing strategies on lobbying etc. Then she withdrew emotionally (about 8 months into the relationship when I had gone to my parents home - there is no internet or phone signal so I was essentially out of touch for a month), and I slowly got her back and it seemed everything was fine until about two months ago. After one of our shared meetings she went home and stopped responding to texts, answering with one word texts, not laughing at my jokes and not making much initiative herself. Coincidentally, or not, during this meeting we had discussed having children and I had decided to finally agree with my wife to separate (I had been sleeping on the couch for a year). So while my girlfriend was distancing herself from me my wife and I met and agreed to separate (we have been married for ten years, but she doesn't want children and we don't feel compatible. I do feel extremely guilty about the marriage but I do not think it was working). We agreed she would move out in a couple of months when she moved to a new job. At the same time the Charity I work for was having funding problems and my job was under threat because the organization was running out of cash. So, I messed up and became very needy with my girlfriend - texting and complaining and whining and I finally lost my temper when she stood me up on a skype call and then blocked me on Whatsapp when I asked her where she was. A couple of weeks later - after a nightmare of cold messages and promises to try on the relationship, she dumped me. I went NC for about three weeks until she messaged me, using an excuse about work, and asked me how I was (on google chat, email and skype). A week later she messaged me to say she would be at a meeting in a country where she knew I would be and suggested we meet up. So we had dinner and I asked her to come back, kissed her (she kissed me back) but she said I needed time to work on myself and be single for a couple of years but that we would be friends. Maybe in a couple of years we could try again. I then found out, because she sent a message to me by mistake, that she is seeing someone else and I decided I cannot be her friend. When I told her she seemed surprised and said that all her exes are friends with her. I said I wanted her as a girlfriend but was not willing to be around to feel the pain of seeing her with someone else and she said she understood. This was all almost cathartic; in some ways I was taking the power back. Then she said, "I know this will sound cold, but could you hold off on not being friends until we have held the training meeting for my office in a couple of weeks. We really need you." Strangely, this has really hurt me; does this mean she only ever cared about my technical expertise and only wants me as a friend to use my professional knowledge? The strange thing is that I still really love her, even though I feel she is extremely manipulative. Perhaps its because I feel very bad for trying to leave my wife for another woman. Any advice on getting my life, and moral core, back would be appreciated.
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